Silent treatment after putting boundaries in place for uBPD MIL

[Forrestanimal]

After setting some boundaries for my husband my daughter and me to my uBPD MIl and having a discussion between my enabler FIL and my husband because he/ they didn’t understand. Them saying things we never said like them not allowed to see their granddaughter, needing to call before visits etc. They kept talking in circles that afternoon and we are now in the twilight zone of silent treatment because we needed the rest( my FIL ‘a words) and he wanted us to put down the boundaries and go on like we used to and he would keep her in check( never happened during 50 years of marriage so it’s not going to work out) I see my husband struggling with this he loves them but really needs the boundaries so we’re keeping those , but to open up a conversation again and how will she react is killing him right now. Anybody been in this sort of situation before who has some insight in what will be a good way to start of again. It’s been three weeks since putting boundaries in place and two since the discussion between husband and FIL. The peace and quiet is nice I must say. The last time she completely went overboard threatening suicide and all first time I really got to see her like she used to be like when he was a kid( this was the light version) she somewhat is most of the time a waif kind of mom and sometimes the queen comes out.
Anybody got some wise words to say?

[Mutt]

Hi Forrestanimal,



I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. The silent treatment can trigger feelings of guilt - H is probably feeling some of this because of uBPD MIL.

A lot of us had poor boundaries or floating boundaries where you’d have boundaries from time to time but your pwBZpD knew that if they pushed enough they’d get through. It sounds like your defending them from their behaviour - expect some lashing out with some people if they’re not used to boundaries with a particular person. I’d hang in there a little longer and see how MIL reacts.

[Notwendy]

This seems to be a typical pattern in dysfunctional families.

It helped me to read about the Karpan triangle and see my BPD mother and father's roles in it ( and mine as well in my family of origin). While it may appear that BPD mom is the "problem", the enabling/rescuer father is also a part of the dynamics you see.

There were seemingly no boundaries with my BPD mom. We were expected to obey her wishes and my father ( now deceased ) enforced this. Dysfuntional families exist in a sort of balance with each person taking on their role to do this. When I also started to have boundaries with my BPD mom, it upset the whole balance.

When one person steps out of their "role"- the other family members experience discomfort. They will then attempt to get the "wayward" family member back in their role, so the balance is re-established. You've seen some of these attempts- saying things to try to make them go back, threats, silent treatment. They may even "expel" the person from the family fold- which happened to me. It was very hurtful. But I had to have the boundaries. BPD mom expected me to allow her to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me and she was trying to enlist my kids as her emotional caregivers and I didn't want this to happen.

I recall an e mail my father sent to me " I just want us to be a happy family again". I thought it was odd as I wasn't "happy" being verbally abused. Who was "happy"? The main concern in my family or origin was if BPD mother was ( momentarily) happy.

I am empathetic to your H. This is his family and it is hard to have your family feel this way and do the things they do. I loved my father and wanted to maintain a good relationship with him- but he and my mother functioned as a single unit. If I wasn't going to adhere by these family "rules" then I wasn't being a "good daughter" as far as they were concerned. That was hard- I was a good daughter to him and I wanted to be one.

Your H may benefit from some counseling to deal with this situation. I know I did. He could also benefit from posting here and learning about BPD in families and how to manage it as best as possible. I didn't have this resource at the time. I think I could have managed the situation better if I did.

[Panda39]

Notwendy mentioned the Karpman Triangle so I thought I'd share a link to more on that... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Panda39

[Harri]

How are things now?

I think the best thing to do right now is just wait.  If you celebrate Easter / Passover a short phone call might be in order.  Keep it simple.  Maybe a card for mothers day.

After setting boundaries there can be distancing and pushback like Mutt said and the best thing to do is sort of hang back without letting go of the boundaries.

The info on the drama triangle given by Notwendy and Panda is also excellent. 

Your husband is going to struggle with this.  He has, I assume, been conditioned to react to his mom and her antics so it is more than just changing his behaviors it is going to be an internal fight regarding emotions and almost reflexive behaviors for him.  That is where he really needs to know the drama triangle and get good with boundaries and self-differentiation.

Self-differentiation is when you know who you are apart from other people.  It is when what other people think of you or their opinions of you or your actions do not cause you to waiver in your knowledge of yourself.  So many of us adult kids of BPDs struggle with this issue.

I forget, does your husband read here?  Would he join us?