Moved out today - this is really painful

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night we had another one of those conversations about how I was prioritizing my family over her by having contact with them

I decided today was the day.  She was out this morning so I packed up my things and loaded the car.  Left a short note. Off I went

Now I sit in my office unable to concentrate.   Thinking about how she will react.   I hope this gets better

I don’t want to go back.

[Boll2017]

Last night we had another one of those conversations about how I was prioritizing my family over her by having contact with them

I decided today was the day.  She was out this morning so I packed up my things and loaded the car.  Left a short note. Off I went

Now I sit in my office unable to concentrate.   Thinking about how she will react.   I hope this gets better

I don’t want to go back.

[Mutt]

Im sorry that you’re having a tough day. I can understand worry about how she’ll react things must of been difficult between both of you for awhile. Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

 Where are you staying tonight?

[Cat Familiar]

You know you don't want to go back. So what is the next step for you?

From your history, undoubtedly her response to you leaving won't be good. But you know that already. And that's one of the many reasons that you've chosen to leave.

Perhaps it's time to take care of your own feelings. Remember you cannot "fix" a disordered person, but you can take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve. Most of us who are in these relationships, harbor hope that one day it will be better. But sometimes that hope is misplaced.

[once removed]

are you staying with family?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Boll, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  The first step is the hardest and you've already done it, so give yourself credit.  Of course you are unable to concentrate.  Her reaction is out of your control, so I suggest you let it go and let the chips fall.  Parting ways with a pwBPD is rough, I understand, but it leads to greater happiness, in my experience, so stay the course and hang in there through the challenges ahead.  We're here to help as needed.

LuckyJim

[Boll2017]

Im sorry that you’re having a tough day. I can understand worry about how she’ll react things must of been difficult between both of you for awhile. Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

 Where are you staying tonight?

The key thing was contact with my family.  She was relentless in disparaging them. there was physical abuse.   I am staying at a hotel.

[Boll2017]

You know you don't want to go back. So what is the next step for you?

From your history, undoubtedly her response to you leaving won't be good. But you know that already. And that's one of the many reasons that you've chosen to leave.

Perhaps it's time to take care of your own feelings. Remember you cannot "fix" a disordered person, but you can take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve. Most of us who are in these relationships, harbor hope that one day it will be better. But sometimes that hope is misplaced.

Thanks for the support.  I am searching for ways to self sooth.

[Boll2017]

are you staying with family?

I have a flight  booked to visit my brother on 12 March.  May move it earlier.  I talked to him over the phone today.  He was very supportive. 

[Boll2017]

Hey Boll, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  The first step is the hardest and you've already done it, so give yourself credit.  Of course you are unable to concentrate.  Her reaction is out of your control, so I suggest you let it go and let the chips fall.  Parting ways with a pwBPD is rough, I understand, but it leads to greater happiness, in my experience, so stay the course and hang in there through the challenges ahead.  We're here to help as needed.

LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky.  Sure enough, it’s starting.

She emailed me tonight threatening divorce.  I won’t respond right now.  I would not discourage her but I won’t respond to this email since she has made these threats before.  She is also goading me about how she is talking to our neighbors and lawyer friends of her. 

I was going to call her tonight but I will not do so as a response to provocative emails.

Perhaps I should stick with emails for now. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Boll, Those w/BPD are experts at threats and arm-twisting, so I think you were wise not to respond.  The best course is usually to decline to engage.  Limiting your contact to email sounds like a good boundary for you.  I did the same.  I made a special folder into which I moved her belligerent messages for later review!  Sometimes I forwarded her messages blasting me to a trusted family member to review and let me know if there was anything to which I needed to respond.  I guess what I'm saying is, I've been there, my friend!

LJ

[Cat Familiar]

I like Lucky Jim’s idea of forwarding her emails to a trusted friend to screen.

After college my BPD mother began writing me these horrible letters. Reading them would take all the wind out of my sails.

My roommate, who is still my close friend many years later, volunteered to read them and tell me if there was any important news.

Lots of times she’d say, “You don’t want to look at this,” as she threw the letter in the trash. Her help saved me from much emotional devastation.

[Ruskin]

I decided today was the day.  She was out this morning so I packed up my things and loaded the car.  Left a short note. Off I went

Now I sit in my office unable to concentrate.   Thinking about how she will react.   I hope this gets better

I don’t want to go back.

Sorry to read of your troubles Boll, I did read back through your earlier posts.

You've been in the situation longer than me, but i made the move like you, (three months ago).

I can only wish you well with your future, i can understand to some degree how you are feeling.  It's not going to be easy and it will take a long time for the pain and trauma to subside.  

I found it useful to plan my future.  I like charts and numbers so i plotted a happiness graph and then plotted out how the next five years of my life might be.  I acknowledged that after the move/split, happiness was 0 and then thought what might be achieved in the years to come and plotted a rising happiness line as months passed and milestones were achieved.  It helped me realise that things can and do improve.

sorry for my rubbish words i'm not that good with people or words but wish you well
Ruskin