My BPD Ex has left me all of a sudden and I'm struggling to move on

[FreddyFo]

Hello all, this is my first post here.
I have met my BPD Ex in November and he was the most perfect person I've ever met, after our first kiss he started pushing me away for no reason - with crazy paranoias... I went back to him and begged him to give the relationship a chance.

After few weeks he invited me to move into his house - everything seemed to be going great, he introduced me to all his family and friends as the perfect woman, the angel on earth to save him - his eyes were filled with a spark of adoration.
He kept making plans for the future, he kept saying we were meant to be together, that we were created by the same "matrix" and to be honest with you we would be so attuned to each other that sometimes we would say the same thing at the same time. It was like a match made in heaven.


On my end I did everything to make him feel all my love and support:  found him a job, talked to his parents about future plans, cooked for him, cleaned his house, supported his goals...and so on.. anything someone in love would do... I also lend him money for a lawyer.

3 Months in this fairytale relationship I discovered he does cocaine and I discovered that he started to initiate contact with a girl which he seemed infatuated with... as a friend ...he said. I told him I didn't want him to see this girl, he agreed.
She is a tattoo artist (more details to follow).

I confronted him about the cocaine - he said he would stop for me.

Two days after our fight about the cocaine he said to me he doesn't love me anymore because I'm a manipulative monster and I manipulated him to love me... all of a sudden for no apparent reason he started having a splitting episode... the most hurtful thing he said to me was " I wouldn't even take a glass of water from you as I fear you would have put poison in it " - I did not know he was Borderline then so I reacted to his provocation and the situation escalated in a 7 hours fight - until he pushed me on the floor. I had bruises for a week.

The day after I packed my suitcase and left his house forever - I haven't seen him since (10 days) I had some contacts to ask him my money back...which he gave me.
Then I blocked him on all fronts. Blocked all his contacts everywhere as I started documenting myself on borderline.

He's acting super weird - he said that I'm the devil and will never come back to me but he's started posting photos online that I took of him, in happy moments together - in the photos there is only him, but for example a photo of him after we had sex, a photo of him serenading me with his guitar etc...
Also I discovered that he is now seeing the tattoo girl and ... he got a tattoo from her - we had discussed that getting a tattoo from her would be out of question. And he did it ! Not even 5 days after leaving me.

Anyway - I read many many many articles on borderlines by now and I consider myself an intelligent human being, but despite my awareness of his problem and despite my head tells me to get over it... I wake up everyday feeling in so much pain.
I am convinced I'll never find anyone like him, I never had such intimacy with anyone and never opened myself up this much - he reminded me of my childhood somehow and made me feel home.
I miss him incredibly despite I'm 100% convinced of not going back with him ever.

I joined a gym and I'm going everyday - I run and sweat and try to sweat this obsession out of me - but it's so hard...

Why am I writing here?
I guess I would love your advice in therms of how to get over this pain. Maybe you can reassure me that it will pass, that I will find the same intimacy with someone else - even better...

There are some days where I feel better and days like today that I feel hopeless.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night calling his name - then realized he wasn't by my side and felt so miserable.

What do you think I should do?
The relationship only lasted 3 months - but it was the most intense thing ever and I'm hoping it won't take me years to get over it.

Thank you all,
F




P.s. not that it matters, but his mother has mental illness and has abandoned the family when he was a teenager - then lived homeless for 20 years.

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[Mutt]

Hi FreddyFo,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this pain I completely understand the longing and worry that accompanies this pain.

Why am I writing here?
I guess I would love your advice in therms of how to get over this pain. Maybe you can reassure me that it will pass, that I will find the same intimacy with someone else - even better...

Talking helps a lot with a support group and a T ( therapist )

The worst part of the pain is the initial break up. How do you feel about being in a another r/s with a non? After the breakup I thought that I wouldn’t be able to adjust to a normal r/s. A r/s with a pwBPD is almost rocky all of the time, a r/s with a non does have rocky parts but the stable parts are much much longer.

I wanted the same emotional intimacy that I had with my exuBPDw in the next r/s but I also wanted to be in a r/s with someone healthier. You can let the walls down and share your most intimate parts with someone without fear of retaliation or being hurt or having the other person make it about themselves because of their  insecurities.

To answer your question you can learn so much about yourself and r/s’s post break up with a pwBPD it does get better, you dont have to find yourself in s another r/s with a pwBPD and you can be happier all around then when you first met your pwBPD.

Is your ex diagnosed? Do you have a T?

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear FreddyFo-

Welcome to our family.  I am very sorry for your pain and confusion, but very glad that you’ve found your way to our site.

There are many people here who will understand, and have been through intense relationships and breakups similar to yours, so you’re in good company.

The deep sadness that you’re feeling now is to be expected with the abrupt ending of your relationship.  It’s important to allow yourself to feel those feelings; I understand how raw you feel at this time, but it’s only been 10 days, so please be patient with yourself.

It’s vital for you to recognize that in addition to being emotionally and verbally abused (for at least 7 hours in one night), you have been PHYSICALLY ABUSED by your exBPDbf (exBPD boyfriend).  You do realize that, right?  Have you spoken to anyone about the fact that he was physical against you?  It’s important for you to tell someone.  This should NOT be kept secret.

Where did you go when you left the home you shared and are you in a safe place now?

There are very helpful articles on this site to assist with detaching, and also articles that address grieving relationships.  I suggest you read those to help yourself move through this process.  You have done the RIGHT thing by blocking him from being able to contact you; NC (no contact) can speed up the healing process and lessen the likelihood that you’ll be tempted to go back into that abusive relationship.  Now would also appear to be a good time to stop yourself from looking at his online postings.  That just makes it harder on you.  You don’t need to know what he’s doing anymore.  You know enough.

Here are the things you know (in no particular order):  he lied about drug use and his relationship with the tattoo girl, in so short a time you had to “beg him” to give the relationship a chance after your fist kiss, moved in with him after a few weeks, find him a job, lend him money, cook for him, clean his house, went from his “perfect woman, angel on earth to save him” to the “devil” who will poison his water.  And he physically attacked you.

It’s wonderful that you’ve joined a gym and are taking steps toward self-care.  That is extremely important now.  Do you have close family or friends you can spend time with - that would be good for you.

I have to say this, Freddy.  You cannot “save” him, or “fix”him or “love him to wellness”.  We are powerless over our partner’s mental illness.  It doesn’t matter WHY they are the way they are, or what kind of FOO (family of origin, Mom they have).. what matters is how they manage their lives now.  What matters is if they acknowledge their issues, harmful behaviors, take responsibility and seek out intensive therapy to better themselves.

Empty promises to “change” are just that...empty promises.

And yes, when you work through your healing process, you WILL find the beautiful and respectful love you want and deserve.  Why not?

Please stay with us and keep talking.  Say all you need to say in this very safe space.  And post on other members’ threads as well.  The pain most definitely eases greatly with time.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[East_Plastic]

Hello.

I don’t have any advice, but reading your story was deeply upsetting when I read that he had pushed you onto the floor. My own BPD ex had a similar anger outburst (although not physical)  at me, breaking up with immediately after. So I know the pain you are feeling, right now. I too dated my ex for a short and very intense period of time, it really does feel like this person is ‘The One’ - sadly, this is all an act. The more you educate yourself about this, you’ll slowly start to see.

And I want to tell you that I’m proud of you for going to the gym; I’m not at that stage yet, but it’s wonderful to see someone indulging in one of the best forms of self-care.

If I can tell you one thing (and this is the HARDEST thing to do): DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. This will only escalate and destroy you more. You may take him back because of the trauma bonds, but this is a blessing in disguise.

I took mine back after the first discard, and she came back even nicer than before. And guess what? The second discard was WORSE. I am on anxiety medication and I have never felt so ill. Please don’t take that as hope that he’ll come back - do not, please, PLEASE, ever take him back.

[FreddyFo]

Is your ex diagnosed? Do you have a T?

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

He has been diagnosed - but he refuses to believe it's true - he is in total denial. Once to calm him down I said " I made mistakes (in our relationship), you made mistakes but you know..." and he jumped the gun and immediately stated " I made no mistakes "... and I can't actually believe he said he made no mistakes when a week before he hit me and pushed me on the ground...that alone is a mistake even to a Borderline mind.
I think he's gone untreated for 10 years now and he's in a delusional state.
He always mentions the others as being "The Devil"  and how is instinct are helping him protect himself from these devil figures that come into his life recurrently.
He says he's a loner and he trusts no one in his life - not even his family. Which is understendable given his past...

Also there is something I have not mentioned in my original post - we had sex and all of a sudden he decided to ejaculate inside me without my consent - I initially didn't link it to the Borderline behaviour but now I'm understanding ... I got pregnant and had an abortion... and during the fight he told me that it was all fake - that I was not really pregnant and I did it to manipulate him to stay with me.

And to answer your question I did not get a Therapist as I figured that I've been with him only 3 months and I will be probably capable of healing alone in a bit of time - taking care of myself and talking to friends...

But to be honest - I've had many relationships and breakups ...nothing came this close to destroy my dignity and left me so empty like this one.

[FreddyFo]

It’s vital for you to recognize that in addition to being emotionally and verbally abused (for at least 7 hours in one night), you have been PHYSICALLY ABUSED by your exBPDbf (exBPD boyfriend).  You do realize that, right?  Have you spoken to anyone about the fact that he was physical against you?  It’s important for you to tell someone.  This should NOT be kept secret.

Where did you go when you left the home you shared and are you in a safe place now?

I spoke to his best friend about it - but his best friend did not belive me because he has known me only for 3 weeks...while he has known his friend for years... also they are partners in crime - they do cocaine together... that's also another thing I was wondering...
I thought that if I keep him away from these bad companies he will start healing...but how do I keep him away from his best friend? It's such a huge task.

When this happened I ran to my ex boyfriend house - an older man who is like a father to me and he's helping me everyday - luckly enough the Broderline Ex doesn't know where I live now.

Also there is something I have not mentioned in my original post - once in the beginning - we had sex and all of a sudden he decided to ejaculate inside me without my consent - I initially didn't link it to the Borderline behaviour but now I'm understanding ... I got pregnant and had an abortion... and during the fight he told me that it was all fake - that I was not really pregnant and I did it to manipulate him to stay with me.

---
Thank you for your advice and listening - As the hours go by today I feel so conflicted whether to stick by this Borderline person's side and help him or let him go...despite he hit me.
I have never found anyone who was like him - we were literally two different sides of the same coin...we went to holiday in the same places, listened to the same music, same books, we had the same tatto with the same words on it... I swear I'm not easily infatuated - if I fell in love with him it was because he is the most special person I've ever met in my life. And I've had several serious relationships.
I don't know how to deal with this.

Everyone advice me to let go - that this will bring me pain...
I feel as If I've done my home-works and I am aware of everything involved in this mess...but
 in my hearth I have recognized something too special to give it up.
Also I'm clueless how to behave if he ever comes back...


Sorry now I sound like the crazy person!

[FreddyFo]

Hello.

I don’t have any advice, but reading your story was deeply upsetting when I read that he had pushed you onto the floor. My own BPD ex had a similar anger outburst (although not physical)  at me, breaking up with immediately after. So I know the pain you are feeling, right now. I too dated my ex for a short and very intense period of time, it really does feel like this person is ‘The One’ - sadly, this is all an act. The more you educate yourself about this, you’ll slowly start to see.

And I want to tell you that I’m proud of you for going to the gym; I’m not at that stage yet, but it’s wonderful to see someone indulging in one of the best forms of self-care.

If I can tell you one thing (and this is the HARDEST thing to do): DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. This will only escalate and destroy you more. You may take him back because of the trauma bonds, but this is a blessing in disguise.

I took mine back after the first discard, and she came back even nicer than before. And guess what? The second discard was WORSE. I am on anxiety medication and I have never felt so ill. Please don’t take that as hope that he’ll come back - do not, please, PLEASE, ever take him back.

Its' strange I started the day convinced I was never wanting to take him back - and now I'm ending it by questioning myself if I can help him heal and salvage our special relationship...
Feeling like a fool - clueless.

[Sandb2015]

FreddyFo,

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, as you've read, there are many of us that know exactly what you are feeling.

I'm one of those here that was in a similar relationship for almost 4 years, apart almost 3 months now off and on, loves me and hates me, sometimes expressive and almost mindful and other times, ABSOLUTELY INDIFFERENT towards what they have done regarding emotional abuse let alone physical abuse (not my case) and the opposite of love.

I want her back and I am still in the mindset now that I understand the disorder better and gained so many tools to maybe have a rs later.  For now we are in limbo, I'm in limbo and she has moments of love and clarity.  It may lead to us getting to therapy and that's the goal.  I'm getting emotionally and spiritually stronger every day after the damage that occured over years.

One thing...I want her back so bad it hurts, it hurts differently now than weeks ago, I have made an emotional journey that has helped me separate myself from her in such a way that I am me and she is who she is.  The will to spend my life is there with a different clarity and understanding that I want her back so badly but not with the same madness that rocked my psyche, soul, heart and mind. I will not remain in limbo forever, I can't do that like I can't go back to the abusive situation I was part of.

I would not feel this way If all this occurred in a few month period and I'm an overwhelmingly positive guy regarding having a rs with her.

Stop and think, think about where this is going, what it's been. 

Take a mental/spiritual break-------time without contact--------------see how you feel.

Allow yourself to feel what you are, immerse yourself with YOU.

[FreddyFo]

I just woke up and as usual the first thought is him-how does one get rid of that?
Last night I also dreamt of him.
I feel so much pain today and I miss him more than any other day after the breakup ...I can’t believe this. That after all he has done I’m still hoping that he will come back

[FreddyFo]

Here we go:
I made a mistake just couple of hours ago - I emailed him to tell him about something that happened to me.
I discovered that a dress I purchased has the same name of his mother. That was quite stunning to me. I purchased this dress the day after meeting him, as it grabbed my eyes...
I have never purchased a red dress before, I did it for him.
I was putting the dress away this morning and I looked closely at the TAG and it said:
Margo dress, colour Red  - Margo is the name of his mother.

That was a strange coincidence and made me feel that indeed we are meant to be together.

I emailed him to tell him about this episode also to inform him that I took an HIV test and that the results are negative (I was supposed to let him know about that)-  I stated clearly that my message was not an attempt at manipulating him nor an attempt at getting back together - in fact I was convinced that is better if we stay apart and that this was going to be my last message to him.
But I wanted to share with him this incredible coincidence of life, that probably there are sings that the universe sends to us to tell us something  - why did I buy that dress the day after meeting him, for him...and how is it possible that the dress has the same name of his mother who abandoned him?

Then I said goodbye forever and wished him a happy life.

He deleted the message right away and blocked me. I don't even know if he read it.
What's next? What shall I do? I don't even know why I'm asking these questions now.
I guess my message was meant to share with him something that for me was special, but he probably still sees me like the devil. Also maybe I shouldn't have said that this was my last message and that I didn't want to see him or talk to him ever again... But that's also true. I don't want to... or do I?

Help shed some light here please!

[once removed]

hi FreddyFo,

i moved your thread to the Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board. this is the place to be if you are not emotionally done with the relationship...whether you reconcile or not.

in whichever path you choose, a good first step is to center ourselves, and not act on emotion. this is a tense situation, and it would be good to let the ice thaw before taking any further steps regarding him. otherwise, the situation is likely to become more complicated.

does that make sense?

[FreddyFo]

Thank you for moving the topic and I'm sorry for having used the wrong board.
I think you are right - I did something important just few moments ago - I contacted a Psychologist / Psychiatrist and I'm seeing him soon...as I realize that the issue is too big for me to deal with it alone. I need professional help.

[once removed]

a strong support system is definitely critical, whichever way you want to go, and however things play out. wise move.

do you think right now youre leaning toward wanting to get back together, against it, or not sure?

[FreddyFo]

My head says a firm NO - My emotions say an unsure YES
Also he is in total NO contact with me after having left me and started a rebound relationship with the next victim.
He is not showing any signs of hovering or coming back

[once removed]

its okay not to be sure. i wasnt either, when i was going through my breakup.

it would be good to work through conflict between head and heart here, work to get centered, explore your feelings.

and as i said, when we are uncertain, we sometimes do things that we will regret later, or might be harmful to our chances, or...so it would be good to have feedback before you decide to do anything big, or in case he reaches out.

[FreddyFo]

Will do - I will seek advice before taking any decision

[once removed]

any update? how you doing?

[FreddyFo]

Thank you for asking - I'm not doing well at all.
He is still silent and I have not contacted him again.
It's now 10 days we don't talk and he's dating many other girls...
but tonight something very painful happened to me.

I found him on a dating app "tinder" and I noticed that he is using all the photos I took of him as photos for his dating profile.
a photo of him in my bedroom playing guitar for me that I took.
a photo of him at a Spa we went to, it was my gift to him.
a photo of our last new years eve together - I was cut out of the photo.


I am heartbroken but not surprised - I know that BPD people have no emotions once they split you black - but I must say... I am quite astonished at the degree of insensitivity of this person.
He is the one who has left me, yet he is inflicting upon me all of these insensitive gestures.

Also he is using his instagram to send me provocations - he uploads photos with long descriptions underneath ...that sound kind of delirious ...saying things like: "ignore them when they come closer, the evil people, they will choose other victims if you stay strong and resist them radically - don't turn back".
All he writes is very apocalyptic and confusing and definitive...it really sounds like the mind of someone super sick who needs serious help.

Anyway - I am very very hurt tonight, I guess the best thing to do is to just ignore all of this, even tho I'm struggling to accept it - especially the photo of new years eve ...
I feel used and hurt.

Can someone help me understand why is he doing this?
What goes on in BPD mind when they start behaving like that even tho they left you?
Have you seen this happen before?
What to expect next?

[FreddyFo]

 

[Turkish]

That's brutal what he is doing,  very passive aggressive,  too.

At their core,  a pwBPD feels unlovable and that they don't matter,  unworthy of love.  The acting out behaviors are a dysfunctional coping mechanism that is needed to survive emotionally. That it hurts others, they may be aware of (my ex was), but the compulsion to cope overrides that.  Additionally, they may feel shame about what they are doing,  and this feeds Ingrid the feeling of "I'm a bad person, unworthy of being loved."

It's a distorted world-view,  and it's confusing and hurtful to those of us who are in relationships with them. 

[FreddyFo]

I am struggling to make sense of all of this that he is doing...
How can someone with BPD come back to an ex after doing things like these? Will he have the face to ever come back after such evil?
Also what to expect next ?

[FreddyFo]

Despite I try with all my strength and concentration to not think about him, I feel “ owned “ by the tought of him.
He is constantly in my head, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed.
I try to do many activites but there is not one moment he leaves my head. I am very tired of this.

Is it normal to be this obsessed?

[mraa90]

Hello, friend

It's just sad and funny to read your story, and when I say it's funny I mean it in a sad way. Just like most of us, we all experienced the same thing. I was the center of her world for 2-3 months, and she wanted to do everything with me. She said she would quit drinking for me. I never asked her to, but she thought I wanted her to stop. After a perfect game, after I took her to her first hockey game and made sure to get good seats so she could enjoy it. I planned it for a whole month when she was planning on moving on after that date. She would tell me about how her family, friends, co-workers are evil and treat her so badly, I believed her and wanted to protect her. Turns out, she's just delusional. After the date she upped and left, gave me the silent treatment for a whole month while I spent my time at the ER of literally a broken heart. The doctor was telling me my heart was acting abnormal...I loved her that much because she was the first one in my life at the age of 24. She left exactly a year ago, and yes, I think about her all the time, but if a person is able to do that once, then they will do it again. 

[FreddyFo]

I don’t want to think about him all the time anymore - this obsession is starting to bother me

[once removed]

have you ever heard of that old adage, "dont think of a pink elephant"? theres only one thing that comes to mind.

so in the same way, trying not to think about someone or something makes it ever more present in ones mind. its self defeating.

youre going through a lot right now, loss, confusion, bewilderment. those things need to be addressed, processed, worked through. you cant banish them.

[FreddyFo]

You are right

[Harri]

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