He is still trying to contact me and I feel so much fear when he does

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi all,

Stbx uBPDh tried to call me at work last night. He filed his taxes and claimed our son, so he got the tax refund and is now trying to contact me using the excuse of giving me money.

I don't want the money. I have some financial aid and some of the money I got from my mom's account after she died (it's not a lot, but it will at least help me pay off some debts and finally move into my own apartment, as soon as I find one that is suitable). I don't want to talk to him. When I heard that he was on the phone, I felt the familiar "freeze" stress response kick in. My manager got on the phone and told him he is not allowed to call me at work because I said I do not want to talk to him.

This "freeze" stress response has kept me paralyzed in a lot of ways from moving forward on several things I need to do.

Going to see my T tomorrow.

[Turkish]

So he's using this to control you. 

Given a legal custody stipulation, the tax issues would be written.  Who gets to claim.

There are obviously emotional issues involved.  He took control. He offering you money sounds like him taking control, and that triggers you.  Logically, you would take the money but that seems like giving him control,  yes?

Can you work it out legally so that next year that this isn't a  issue?  Making it legal can take the emotion out of it, making out better for all. 

My ex didn't want to do court, but I insisted.  I claim our youngest, she claims our eldest. No issues, court order. The emotions are out of it. 

[I Am Redeemed]

I think you are right. It's a form of manipulation. I knew he was going to do it, he has always claimed our son and even before separation he refused to file taxes jointly with me, except for the first year we were married and I didn't work. That year we separated briefly right before the tax refund came in. He forged my name on the check, cashed it and then tried to give me a few hundred dollars of it instead of half. I had some church members go with me to the bank and they tried to persuade him that I should get half of it (especially since his physical violence had caused me to leave) and he got angry and wouldn't give me any of it.

I can get this straightened out for next year, if I can make myself go ahead and file for divorce. I've been avoiding. Stress and depression and anxiety are getting to me. My stress response is freeze, in a variety of situations.

I dread ever having to have contact with him again. I feel triggered by the thought of a conversation with him, because he uses fog and emotional manipulation as a basic communication style. I don't know if he could have a conversation without doing that.

I am going through a depressive episode. Feeling manipulated and bullied by my sister as well, for different reasons that are a long story, andand realizing that I have been living in this dynamic virtually my whole life.

[mama-wolf]

Hi Redeemed  

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  It's good that your manager was able to step in and handle the call for you in the moment, and that you are seeing your T today!

It sounded like you were being a little hard on yourself for your freeze response.  Remember that the freeze response is there for a reason, just like the others (such as numbing in my case).  Your brain and body are acting instinctively to protect you, and it's going to take a lot of time and healing to recognize and recondition yourself to know when that doesn't have to happen anymore.  Until then, it's ok to freeze when he triggers you.

I am going through a depressive episode.

realizing that I have been living in this dynamic virtually my whole life.

Recognizing the end of the relationship, working through detaching, struggling with the legal aspects...it's all so hard.  As much as it would be preferable to have no contact at all with our ex, when there are kids involved it just make things so much more complicated.  But, there are options available to help you minimize that contact, and I hope your L can help you with those. 

Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint, so take care of yourself at each step along the way so you can reach the finish line.

mw

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with mama-wolf. You needn't criticize yourself for having the freeze response. You developed that at a very early age and it served you well at the time to protect you. Now you have other options, but those old behavioral habits have created a well-worn groove neurologically, so they're often the first response.

It takes a while to change old habits, but it will happen. It's a very positive sign that you're seeing how this dynamic has operated throughout your life. Awareness is the first step. At some point in the future, you will respond automatically in a way that's more in keeping with the current version of Redeemed. And then, you'll suddenly have the awareness that, "Wow, I used to freeze when confronted with this type of stimulus. And I'm not doing that any more."

(I'm a recovering "freezer" myself. What I've noticed is that I might still have a quick moment of going into freeze mode, but then I will ask myself, "What do I want to do in this situation?" and then I'm able to choose a different response. Sometimes that freeze mode is useful, such as being able to stare at someone for a couple of seconds before I formulate a reply. It can actually even be a little unnerving to an observer.)

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you both for your replies,

I have noticed that I have a reflex that causes me to immediately go into conflict avoidance mode. My therapist told me in my last session that this is called an amygdala hijack. I know that it takes time to rework the neural pathways. I just tend to struggle with some all-or-nothing twisted thinking of my own (thanks, MDD!), so I will start to think that I will always be this way, that I will never learn better coping skills and conflict resolution, that I am doomed to repeat the pattern of allowing others to run over me. But I guess that having the awareness to recognize that twisted thinking as not being reality is a step of progress.

Redeemed

[empath]

The freeze response is nothing to be ashamed of or troubled about; it's a normal reaction to trauma triggers. What are the things that you are doing to rework those neural pathways?

[I Am Redeemed]

I am starting emdr therapy. We did some prep work today. I have also been working on identifying feelings and sorting out negative core beliefs. Also practicing self care and writing things down so they don't revolve around my mind.

Some of the prep work today included creating a safe container for memories, a safe mental space to envision when I feel frustrated or stressed, and learning to project memories onto a movie screen where I create distance between now and the past.

We are going to see if the emdr helps me to get "unstuck". Basically, I told her that when I feel pressured by others, I feel like I only have two choices: do what they want, or avoid the situation. We are helping me to get unstuck from that mindset.

Redeemed

[empath]

EMDR is really interesting. I've been looking into it for my d14.

[I Am Redeemed]

I did one session of emdr years ago when I went to inpatient treatment for detox and major depression. We did it with partners in a group setting and had to pick just one troublesome memory that we were stuck on.

It worked for me. I never had any problems with that particular memory or the situation surrounding it again. I was able to let it go. Hopefully I experience the same freedom this time, though we are targeting negative core beliefs instead of specific memories. It would take me years of therapy if I had to go memory by memory.

[WindofChange]

Hi Redeemed. I'm sorry his call upset you so much, and that you're going through a depressive period. I'm glad you were able to see your T. How do you feel since your session? Any better?
I'm sorry you're also feeling bullied by your sister. This is definitely a time when you need supportive people around you. I know you have a strong faith in God. Do you have good friends and/or other family members who are supporting you and encouraging you during all of this?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi windofchange,

I do feel better since the therapy session. She reiterated that I am, indeed, criticizing myself. Inner critic, as mama wolf mentioned on another thread. She asked me if I know where that comes from. It comes from a lifetime of criticism from family and intimate relationship partners.

I do have a couple of friends I can talk to somewhat. Not any family, unless you count MIL, which is ironic, but she went through very similar experiences so she understands. Both of my parents are deceased. They each had their own unhealthy coping skills. Dad had anger issues, anxiety, and was emotionally manipulative. Mom was diagnosed with manic depression in the seventies, and a suicide attempt left her disabled. I was only two when she did it.
I have been dealing with conflict avoidance, manipulation, criticism, and poor boundaries for over forty years. I never learned healthy ways to interact, so it's natural that this is difficult for me.