I'm feeling so suffocated. It seems to be getting worse.

[Step3]

Hi everyone, again.  

My issues with my undiagnosed girlfriend of four years are draining my soul.

Two weeks ago I got criticized and ignored because I told my dad I was chilling with my homies at walmart. It was a joke, my dad's fun and playful but my girlfriend was horrified by it. Last week I didn't ask her for a tour of her rental property, that got me criticized and ignored.

To clarify, I'm a lesbian. I'm saying this so anyone reading will understand my next issue. I was in a meeting Tuesday. There's a guy that was in the meeting that I don't know other than seeing him in the meeting.  A month or so ago I felt like he kept looking at me but I didn't look to see if he was although it felt uncomfortable.  I don't know his name, I don't talk to him, I don't acknowledge him or even look at him. Tuesday he seemed to be glancing at me on and off again and again I ignored him and stayed focused on the meeting. When it was over he left quickly. I told my girlfriend about it and how it was bothering me. Immediately she asked me what I did about it. I said I didn't do anything. I just ignored him. She went off on me saying I have poor boundaries, I'm passive with men, I am letting this guy look at me and if I'm not willing to give him an ugly look that means I won't have boundaries with anyone. I got quiet because I felt so unsupported and hurt. I can't even find it in myself to grasp her thoughts. Do any of you go through this too? I can understand if I engage with this guy but I don't and I felt ignoring him was a boundary. I don't feel comfortable or safe confronting him or staring back at him. I feel better just making it clear I'm not interested in his life. He stopped looking at me after I ignored his 3 or 4 glances. I'm now so afraid to tell her anything. A kid with down syndrome said I was pretty and I can't even tell her that.  It's so painful to have to hide things that I want so bad to share.

Another thing was when I got to her house, I was looking at some repairs she did on her own and complimenting how great she did. She asked me what was wrong with me, that I was talking weird. I wasn't speaking any different or treating her any different than I normally do. I'm starting to feel hate towards her.

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[Sandb2015]

Step3, it's tough, I know.

One one hand, you want to be comfortable to share something innocuous, share some thoughts, convey feelings...

Now you have to be aware of everything you say to some extent, anything may trigger the pwBPD.  Being mindful, using all the tools, sticking to a game plan and backfire!

It happens...and it will happen, it is not fail proof.  It sucks when it doesn't go smooth or are drawn into a role that requires EXPLANATION of your thoughts and actions after the fact to something so meaningless only to be criticized and judged.  None of that is real, you know that, it's how you react to it that makes it real.

It is suffocating, it can be.

There are no perfect words...I have dug myself real deep in the past, went crazy so to speak and poured gas on a match so many times.

Now, I am mastering my expressions, my words, my tone, body language, my listentening skills, I'm working hard.

There was a time she kept saying, "is that some script, what's up with your script?"     That's when I was learning and I gave the perfect response, silence...a few minutes later, back to "normal"...

This is frustrating as hell, be proud of yourself and the work you are doing and don't forget how you feel for a second,

[itsmeSnap]

Hey there step3

She went off on me saying I have poor boundaries, I'm passive with men, I am letting this guy look at me and if I'm not willing to give him an ugly look that means I won't have boundaries with anyone. I got quiet because I felt so unsupported and hurt.

This are her ways of dealing with things, not yours.

I often try to read beyond what is said when my BPD dad gets angry, why is he angry if the current situation seems simple enough?

To me it seems in your case she has a hard time with it too, possibly because she has also felt uncomfortable (or worse, but I can't know that for sure) due to men's glances. It seems like she empathises on "some level" but is unable to properly express it, so her feelings of anger for the "intrusive man" bubble over to tell you how to deal with it instead of just being there for you.

And quick note on the homies thing, is she also "one of the homies? If not she might have felt rejected because you'd be hanging out "with them" (even if its just a thing you said and were not actually hanging out with anyone) instead of her. Again, simple things taken out of proportion.

I don't feel comfortable or safe confronting him or staring back at him

Is she aware of this?

In my experience it works better to say it in a kina dismissive tone instead of trying to convince them, think

"I find it easier to just ignore him, not even worth a fight I don't even know him"

Instead of

"I'm not comfortable getting in his face, what if he thinks I want to talk to him or he gets angry at me?"

By engaging and "requesting comments", even if unintended ("I don't think I could do what you do" can be taken as "tell me how to do it"), it gives her a chance to keep at it, anger and all.

By "finalizing it" it becomes a "I hear you, thank you for being there for me, this is my choice and my way of doing things", makes sense?

Anyway, I guess my point is to look beyond the immediate, it is very common for them to be triggered and lash out and an unrelated, " innocuous thing" instead of what's actually bothering them. Understanding it can allow you to at the same time be firm in your decisions in the face of seeming or even direct "attacks" while at the same time working on the underlying issue so you don't grow apart.

Couples break down over unresolved issues, not differences in personality/how they do things!

From https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/

Our research has shown that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems.
[...]
 we concluded that instead of solving their perpetual problems, what seems to be important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about them.

Obviously the problem is not how to handle a creepy look, but on how you're not feeling supported/heard. You mentioned feeling like you have to "bottle up" because of her reactions.

 I'm no conflict expert so I don't really know how to go about it, maybe someone else has a bit of insight on this.

 Hope that helps

[Step3]

She broke up with me so I guess it doesn't even matter anymore. She said she needs someone who will set boundaries.

[itsmeSnap]

She broke up with me so I guess it doesn't even matter anymore

Did she break up with you over this (not confronting the guy)?

[Codepanda19]

Step3

Seems to be a point of contention in my relationship too. My uBPD W doesn't believe that ignoring someone is a boundary. I think it's related to the black and white view and not acting on something like this leaves it as an unresolved issue.

I second itsmeSnap's comment about looking beyond the immediate. I feel like my SO's reaction to the same stimulus is so mood dependent. Especially taken in the context of the breakup, none of the issues she got upset may have been about those issues.

[Step3]

Thank you for all the responses and advice. I'll try to address all. Codepanda, I'm glad I'm not the only one who is having an issue like this. I've had success many times ignoring guys who stare or try to talk to me. I think it's pretty clear to any stranger that if you don't acknowledge them, you're not interested and most healthy people get it. When I have engaged to tell guys I'm not interested, I've been called names, followed and harassed so for me this works.

Itsmesnap,  yeah... she broke up with me because I ignored him instead of looking back at him and also for staying quiet for a minute when she was going off on me. As far as the homies joke, I wasn't with anyone, I was just being funny with my dad and she said it was immature.

Sandb2015, I appreciate everything you said, it makes sense and it's helpful.

She has broken up with me too many times to count I'm pretty depressed about it but too tired to try anymore. There just hasn't seemed to be anything I can do to make it work. I've stopped visiting with my family because that bothered her. I get phone calls occasionally for companies wanting to recruit me and if I don't hurry up and end the calls with them, she gets mad and tells me I have no balls. I've had to cut off all my Male friendships because she thinks there's attraction. She is positive I slept with my ex from twenty something years ago recently. I was 20 years old when I was with that girl. Why the hell would I get back with her today? If I talk different than normal, I've probably been on drugs. I don't even take tylenol for f#$@* sake. There's always something I'm doing wrong. I've made my life so simple and boring so she can see that there's nothing to worry about but she'll find anything she can. I'm afraid to blink too loud.

[itsmeSnap]

she broke up with me because I ignored him instead of looking back at him and also for staying quiet for a minute when she was going off on me.

It sounds like she was trying to pick a fight: not reacting to her probably made her think her advice was disregarded, if she's disregarded then you don't care, if you don't care you're going to leave, oh, you're leaving? I'll leave you first!.

See, despite the seemingly "out of nowhere" reactions, there's often a deep river of insecurities running below the surface.

My gf also left me suddenly and without explanation, that's why I came here. I've realized since then the triggering event and why she reacted the way she did. We were making progress after two years, but then poof.

I've stopped visiting with my family because that bothered her. I get phone calls occasionally for companies wanting to recruit me and if I don't hurry up and end the calls with them, she gets mad and tells me I have no balls. I've had to cut off all my Male friendships because she thinks there's attraction. She is positive I slept with my ex from twenty something years ago recently. I was 20 years old when I was with that girl

Definitely abandonment triggers, all of those situations fit the bill. The breakup was most likely her "preemptively abandoning you so you couldn't abandon her"

Anyway, there's that.

I'm afraid to blink too loud.

Don't be, the problem is not the blinking, its the "what if she forgets about me if she's not seeing me because her eyes are closed for a microsecond?"

Take some time for yourself Step3, but not "by yourself": go out with friends and family you've stopped visiting, participate at work, get involved.

It will do you good, help you clear your mind.

Keep us posted on how you're feeling about it, she might come back/contact you again and whether you decide to go back to a relationship with her or not, it can be an emotional rollercoaster just hearing from her again, be ready for that.

[Step3]

Itsmesnap,

Thank you for your response. I agree about the insecurities. It's apparent every day I've been with her, I just don't exactly believe she fears I'd leave her. In fact, she knows I'll never leave her but she loves proving to me that she doesn't need me. Her last text to me said she deserves someone with strength.  I know I'm strong I just choose not to deal with men staring at me, if I confronted every man who looked, I'd have a long list of stupid, immature confrontations. As far as me ignoring her for two whole minutes (yet she's ignored me for four months) I know she hates that. I know it hurts her. I'm just venting, I feel like crap. I regret even telling her. I don't know if she'll come around again this time. I think by now with the inventory of everything she thinks is wrong with me that maybe she's seeing her light. It brings me nothing but darkness.

[itsmeSnap]

I just don't exactly believe she fears I'd leave her. In fact, she knows I'll never leave her but she loves proving to me that she doesn't need me.

Yep, its that "you won't leave me, I'll leave you first!". Ask yourself this: why does she keep coming back to you after all those years of breakups and arguments and all that? because she knows you would be there for her, though she doesn't believe you'll stay because she doesn't feel worthy of being loved.

Its a very common complaint in BPD, some people have called it "a bottomless pit of emotion" where love doesn't reach and it will never be filled.

I see it differently, it is precisely that they feel so attached, so in love with the person that all their insecurities are magnified in the face of this wonderful person they managed to get in a relationship with.

It starts with idealization, you're perfect, can't do no evil, you're beautiful and charming and all that. They fall in love, real deep. so deep it hurts, a giant void would be left if you don't stay, they panic. In their experience people always leave them, its their past, its what they know, its their future they think. How can I stop it from hurting? convince themselves they don't love you, they never have, the void can't be there if the love never existed. They convince themselves. They are very good at it. They convince themselves some other person is perfect, idealization again, or maybe a previous relationship that they also thought was evil incarnate before now can do no harm, and so the cycle continues.

I know you probably read about it in getting to know about BPD, but when we look at it from up close it seems unreal, like its not happening to us. It is.

We're the wonderful person they fell in love with, despite all their terrible words and actions, they fell in love with us for a reason. Don't lose sight of that, don't let her take it away from you. Whether she were to contact you again or not, know that there is this reason why, gain strength from it, you're worth it, and she knows it.

As far as me ignoring her for two whole minutes (yet she's ignored me for four months) I know she hates that. I know it hurts her.

Silence is a very powerful tool, which is sort of why they "weaponize it" to get what they want.

Recently my dad was ranting about a disagreement we had, he wanted to convince me of something that I told him I would not change my mind about. He proceeded to lay his case yet again, more exasperated.

I kept quiet.

I still listened intently, but kept deliberately quiet. He didn't like it, he told me, but kept going for about an hour. I kept listening. After he tired himself, he kept quiet for a while, then I started talking to him about something stupid like the cereal box being nearly empty or something. He knew I was not mad at him, I needed him to stop talking about that other thing.

I did it to him again, took him one minute to realize I was doing it again, he stopped quite fast. Again, I talked to him about food to get him talking about something else. I joked and we laughed. I needed him to know I was not mad at him, but I would not take the argument.

Anyway, I'm saying all this because true, you have to stand up for yourself, but there are other ways to do it, and she's not realized them yet. Maybe she has, but is unable to act on it, and in her frustration she projects the negativity she feels for herself towards you, sort of why she says "she needs someone with strength", its more like "I feel like I'm not strong enough myself, and it sucks".

You showed inner strength, restraint, but she didn't like it. So its not "strength of force", its something else, something lacking within her most likely.

Doesn't make it any less painful to be on the receiving end, but understanding can help you not get stuck on it (which by definition is going over the thing again and again to figure out what happened, or how to handle it differently).

I'm just venting, I feel like crap. I regret even telling her. I don't know if she'll come around again this time. I think by now with the inventory of everything she thinks is wrong with me that maybe she's seeing her light. It brings me nothing but darkness.

Well yeah, any sudden separation hurts, I know mine did. Specially with the background conflict and the years of it. Give it time, we can talk through things.

So how you're handling it? did you get around to talking to your family/friends? I know its really soon, but the sooner you're in contact with others the easier it is to get through things. Being alone can lead your mind to all sorts of wacky places, so great to see you're reaching out here as well, keep us posted!.

[Step3]

Itsmesnap,

I don't know how you do it. You write in such a positive and understanding way. I'm not a jealous person at all, nor insecure so I can't comprehend those things in people. I started reflecting on the way she has been since we met and the insecurities were consistent and I being so unfamiliar with it and so in love with her didn't know how to nurture it. I go on with my days loving her, being there for her, take all her calls, show up any time she needs me. She can show up at my house and she'll find me alone doing nothing worrisome. I haven't ever thought to take it upon myself to reassure her at all. I stayed in bed for 4 days, crying. I came to work today and I'm actually able to socialize with my coworkers. I'm going on a trip next week alone so I'll make the best of it, then I'm going to fly home to see my family that I've stayed away from for the last two years. My heart is in hell though, I'm on the verge of tears every second but I guess I'm alright. I want her to come back and I'll tell her every day that she doesn't have to worry. I'll stare guys down who look at me. I'm so afraid she won't come back though. She said she was truly done and needed to do what's best for her. That scares me so bad.

[once removed]

are the two of you still speaking daily?

[Step3]

Once Removed,

No, we haven't spoken since Friday. She had the nerve to ask me (after breaking up with me via text at 3 am) to finish remodeling her fireplace.

[once removed]

yikes.

whatd you tell her?

[Step3]

Once Removed,

I told her I didn't feel comfortable being at her house in that moment but I'd work on it when she wasn't there. She said I didn't have to. I still went by but I couldn't do it. I got too sad so I haven't finished it.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey there step3

She had the nerve to ask me (after breaking up with me via text at 3 am) to finish remodeling her fireplace.

I told her I didn't feel comfortable being at her house in that moment but I'd work on it when she wasn't there. She said I didn't have to. I still went by but I couldn't do it. I got too sad so I haven't finished it.

what made you sad about being at her house? I know about the breakup but I'd like to hear your process on it, see how we can help you make things right (it is the "bettering" board after all right?)