Only child of single parent.

[Seven8]

Wondering if anyone else is an only child of a single BPD parent? How do you cope with cutting them off?
Also, Has anyone else’s borderline mother left children behind? I have an older sibling my mom never mentioned until I found out on my own (which she got furious with me about)  and younger sibling I got separated from at an early age.
  Just wondering if anyone had any similar expirences,
Thank you

[Kwamina]

Hi Seven8 and welcome to our online community

We have several members here who are the only child of a BPD parent. Could you tell us a bit more about what you are dealing with, what are the BPD traits you see in your mother?

Do you have contact now with your older and younger sibling? How did you find out about your older sibling?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

Yes.  I'm the only child, adopted, of a single parent. 

What's going on that you are thinking of cutting ties?

[Seven8]

I actually posted in this forum for my husband, it’s my mother in-law that we suspect has BPD. Without siblings to share these expirences, he feels like it’s all on him. I was hoping to help him find people who could relate.

 This is My story with my mother in-law:

  The first time I met my mother in law,  I thought she was one of the most nurturing, fun moms out there. We got along GREAT and loved each other. I had no idea my husband and her had such bad fights..until about a month in.
They lived together, and one day he picks me up with all his stuff loaded in his car, and asks me to move in with me. I thought it was sudden but It felt right so I said yes of course!  So he moved in, the fight they were having blew over (I didn’t know the manipulation that was going on yet) and we would go over and visit quite often. I noticed her trying to get super close to me, letting me know about everything in her life and almost making me feel guilty for not doing the same. Always buying me little matching gifts to stuff she likes. My husband always seemed very withdrawn around her, and avoidant. We would talk over wine, and he wouldn’t even sit with us.  I didn’t understand at the time why. Time to time he would tell me him and his mom are fighting but I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until her birthday came, that I got to see her other side.
  I got a text at 9am saying “F*** YOU B***! YOU LAIR! “ and a bunch of other names.  to be honest I tried to rationalize and for a minute I thought she got the wrong number. I asked what was happening and she just went off about how we’re selfish, “after all she’s done for us”. How if someone treated her how she has treated us, she wouldn’t forget their birthday. It was 9am on a work day. We didn’t forget, I had her present in my closet at home. But she went off. Adding how my mom secretly thinks she’s a horrible mother. And just straight BASHING everyone I love. Meanwhile saying my husbands whole family is  pissed at me and they’re going to know EVERYTHING I’ve done to her. I was devastated. And very confused. My husband told me to block her, and revealed she had a drinking problem. She called my parents swearing at them. We all stoped answering the calls and texts. Then she sent me a text saying “I will devote my life to getting you. I promise” a week or so passes and I get a text accusing me of holding a grudge, saying she’s moving far away and she quit drinking. Christmas rolls around and she said she has presents waiting under the tree for us. I of course don’t want anything and I refuse. She’s texts “At least let a mother give her son Christmas presents” I felt guilty and said ok. Next thing you know there’s 100 presents under our tree for everyone, including my parents. I quietly refused to open mine because I truly truly did not want them and everyone else refused as well cause it felt wrong when this person hurt us so bad.
She started being a really positive person. Saying she wishes us well and she always knew we were meant to be, and that she loved me right away. She was scared of losing her son, but she realized she had to cut the cord between them for their own growth.
We slowly stared talking again, I began to think she was just an angry drunk and family is family, this is my husbands mom! They’re close Of course I want a good relationship with her.  
I forgave her.
We maintained a relationship over calls and texts, but I began to notice signs again that nothing we did was enough. Weve since had a baby, and that takes up a lot of our time. she likes to imply I’m not a good wife, and that I’m not taking care of him like SHE would to other people including my own mother. Then switches it and praises me. And on top of it has bought us gifts, even if we politely refused. She tells everyone how much she’s done for us.
Recently I confided in her saying how being a new mom is tough and I need understanding,  and that is like to have a good relationship with her(before I knew it was impossible) and she replied basically ‘I don’t care what you think of me, Go through what I’ve been through then talk to me.’
Then proceeds to go on about how’s she’s going to block us.
A little bit later we get a text “ have a great weekend ”
I refuse to talk to her now, occasionally send pictures of our baby after she says thinks like “are you going to hold my grandchild over my head”
So I send them. I get one reply back.. “Smart”
As in I’m smart for sending it? Or else there will be hell to pay? I assume that’s what she meant. I mention it to my husband, he asks her.. and she blows up on me about how he lost his family because of me, and “there’s nothing else he can lose”  trying to further hurt him.

Sorry for the long post but i want to know does this sound like BPD?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  yOur MIL certainly sounds difficult and may very well have BPD but no one here can say for sure.  Lots of us here talk about our family members as having BPD traits at the very least even without a diagnosis.  Regardless, the behaviors you describe are damaging to relationships and are quite toxic. 

It is good that you are trying to support your husband in this.  It is hard to be an adult child of a disordered parent as you can see and to marry into the family.  Would your husband be interested in joining us here?  He would get more out of it if he participated directly.  You too can post as you will need support to deal with your MIL but also with your husband if he chooses to change how he interacts with his mom and he if he chooses not to change.

What are you hoping to get out of this board?  How can we help you?

[Seven8]

For starters, validation. I feel like I’ve been told I’m such a horrible person so many times, that I’m hurting her, and That I’m wrong that it’s hard sometimes remember that I’m not causing any of this. I’ve actually went out of my way to be kind and gentle, and I’ve been hurt over and over. She looks for weakness in my husband and I, and jabs us both where it hurts then when we stand up for ourself, we’re over reacting. And we need to get over it, after all “she’s ready to forgive”. I’m afraid with if my husband cuts ties, because that’s her only kid shes close with, she will actually try and up the anti. Like I said we have a baby, I’m worried she will do whatever it takes to hurt us.

I get so angry and just hold it in cause I know getting mad at her isn’t proactive.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I understand.  The words can be very cutting and hurt so much.  It is exhausting trying to ignore them.  One thing I found helpful with my mother was learning about what caused the behaviors.  That allowed me to depersonalize and rather than sit there and wonder what was wrong with me and how could she think such a thing, I realized she was actually telling me more about the way she felt about herself than anything to do with me.

When people do that, it is called projection, a defense where they can not tolerate their intense emotions and project them outward.  When they are dysregulated, they really aren't seeing us, they are overwhelmed with their emotions.  Having said all that, there is absolutely no requirement to sit there and take what she says.  You can excuse yourself, hang up the phone, leave the house after saying something like we can continue this conversation when we speak to each other with respect and understanding.   

There are other defenses as well that might be playing into this.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  I can't imagine having married into a family where things are so dysfunctional.  It has to be bewildering.   

Remember, when she is talking like that she is projecting and as such is not really seeing you.  Also remember, you do not need to sit there and tolerate her abuse.  We have many tools that can, over time, improve things for you.

[Seven8]

Also I just don’t want my husband and I to feel albone in this anymore, I relate so much to other people’s stories, I’m glad I found this board.

[Harri]

Well, you most definitely are not alone and I am glad you are being helped even just by reading.  Don't hesitate to jump into other threads too.  The best time to post here and work on things is when things are relatively calm and going well.  It is so much easier to take in new info when we have a clear head!

I am glad you found us

[Turkish]

She's mad at you because you took her "baby" away and she can't emotionally deal with not being the center of attention. People with BPD deep down loathe themselves, not because they are bad people, but because they think their opinions are worthless and don't matter, therefore they are worthless and don't matter.

Birthdays and special occasions are triggers for bad behaviors. It sounds like your husband just doesn't want to cope because he's spent a lifetime of it. She likely doesn't see others as independent entities, but rather life preservers of her own personality, which at the core, may be empty. Children are great little self-validation machines. What is described in this book may or may not have happened with your husband, but I suspect maybe so:

Silently Seduced - When Parents Make Children Their Partners Author: Kenneth Adams, PhD Publisher: Health Communications, Inc. (1991-2011) Paperback: 192 pages ISBN-10: 0757315879 ISBN-13: 9780757315879

Book Description
From Dr. Kenneth Adams, this book helps the reader identify and heal from covert incest that affects their relationships, sexuality, intimacy, and adult lives. He explains the damage caused by invasive parents and the loss of childhood suffered when children serve as their parent's surrogate spouses. In this 20th anniversary edition, Dr. Adams also offers new information based on recent research on engulfment, toxic guilt, loyalty and narcissism. Although it does not explore BPD specifically, it is highly relevant to many types of dysfunctional families.