New here: 31yr single woman, newly discovering that my mother has BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

Not very good at writing but I will try so I can introduce myself to this community and hopefully get some help and support and start on this journey of healing.

I love my mother dearly and we have a very close relationship but probably too close. She has always been a very extreme person and I'm definitely not the only one to know this about her. I only just discovered what BPD is from my therapist and her suspicion that my mother most likely has it. I have just been reading 'Stop walking on eggshells', and from the list of BPD hallmarks, my mother ticks a lot (if not all) of the boxes.

She used to accuse me, as a child, of hating her when I would make a mistake or do something wrong, when I honestly loved no-one more than her. I have endured so many angry outbursts and fits of rage that can last days. As a child, I was smacked, screamed at and then given the silent treatment if I had done something wrong or used a wrong tone. She once locked me in the bathroom as punishment. Many times she will have an outburst that someone hasn't done something she asked them to do when she only thought it in her head and didn't actually tell anyone anything. She has threatened to suicide so many times and often puts out her wrists to us family members and says "cut me". She goes from hating herself to loving herself constantly. She goes on spending sprees and has had phases of alcohol abuse. She tells me that her identity was wrapped up in being a mother and then makes me feel guilty for being an adult and not needing her anymore. My whole upbringing was full of instability: emotional outbursts - extreme highs and lows, coupled with constantly moving house (nearly every year) because of boredom or job changes or school changes or inability to manage money. Huge amounts of debt meant not being able to afford a certain school or house so more moves. In my teenage years, when my parents nearly got divorced, there was a definite role reversal shift that happened and I feel like ever since then I have become more like the parent to my mother.

Of course these are just the bad things listed and the other side of this is all the love and affection and praise she has showered on me. Putting me on a pedestal, buying extravagant gifts, providing me an education, encouraging me, etc.

I have definitely been emotionally abused growing up and still am to this day by her. After 31 years of this, it's hard to admit or realise what it is because I have convinced myself that it's normal. I am discovering now that it has really affected my ability to get close to anyone for fear of being manipulated, used and emotionally abused as my mother does to me.

The guilt I feel from even thinking this about my mother is extreme. I am trying to slowly make boundaries and break free of her constant need for me to fulfil her emotional needs but the thought of what will happen to our family if she snaps and blames the breakdown on me is highly anxiety inducing.

For the last couple of years I have been making gradual boundaries with her about the amount of contact we should have. If she could have her way, we would probably talk on the phone for multiple hours every day and ideally (for her) I would move back to live with her and we would do everything together.

Her phone calls and texts sometimes give me so much anxiety because I feel so much pressure to respond and if I don't, sometimes she will text and call repeatedly and go into a panic and rage and tell me she worries I could be dead. Maybe she doesn't really think that I could be dead but uses it as a "caring" excuse and a way to guilt-trip and manipulate me into complying with her wishes. Maybe she just doesn't want to be rejected or feel abandoned. However, she has always gone to catastrophic thinking, paranoia and imagining extreme worse-case scenarios the whole time I've known her so maybe she really does think I could have died in the 24hrs I might take to respond to a text saying "hi".

I know this is only a very small snapshot of the story but I am just trying to get help, support, not feel alone and to heal and learn the best way to live without riding her emotional rollercoaster - hopefully without destroying our family unit. I love my family and my mother dearly. The "easy" way is to comply and act as the 5yr old child she wants me to be and let her love me and take care of me but also manipulate me and be her emotional punching bag but at what cost? That means forfeiting my own life, a chance at having a significant other of my own, a chance at not living with anxiety from: what extreme will happen next? what direction will my life be pulled in today?

Any support is appreciated as I start this journey of discovery, healing and change.

[abeatofthedrum]

Hello,

Not very good at writing but I will try so I can introduce myself to this community and hopefully get some help and support and start on this journey of healing.

I love my mother dearly and we have a very close relationship but probably too close. She has always been a very extreme person and I'm definitely not the only one to know this about her. I only just discovered what BPD is from my therapist and her suspicion that my mother most likely has it. I have just been reading 'Stop walking on eggshells', and from the list of BPD hallmarks, my mother ticks a lot (if not all) of the boxes.

She used to accuse me, as a child, of hating her when I would make a mistake or do something wrong, when I honestly loved no-one more than her. I have endured so many angry outbursts and fits of rage that can last days. As a child, I was smacked, screamed at and then given the silent treatment if I had done something wrong or used a wrong tone. She once locked me in the bathroom as punishment. Many times she will have an outburst that someone hasn't done something she asked them to do when she only thought it in her head and didn't actually tell anyone anything. She has threatened to suicide so many times and often puts out her wrists to us family members and says "cut me". She goes from hating herself to loving herself constantly. She goes on spending sprees and has had phases of alcohol abuse. She tells me that her identity was wrapped up in being a mother and then makes me feel guilty for being an adult and not needing her anymore. My whole upbringing was full of instability: emotional outbursts - extreme highs and lows, coupled with constantly moving house (nearly every year) because of boredom or job changes or school changes or inability to manage money. Huge amounts of debt meant not being able to afford a certain school or house so more moves. In my teenage years, when my parents nearly got divorced, there was a definite role reversal shift that happened and I feel like ever since then I have become more like the parent to my mother.

Of course these are just the bad things listed and the other side of this is all the love and affection and praise she has showered on me. Putting me on a pedestal, buying extravagant gifts, providing me an education, encouraging me, etc.

I have definitely been emotionally abused growing up and still am to this day by her. After 31 years of this, it's hard to admit or realise what it is because I have convinced myself that it's normal. I am discovering now that it has really affected my ability to get close to anyone for fear of being manipulated, used and emotionally abused as my mother does to me.

The guilt I feel from even thinking this about my mother is extreme. I am trying to slowly make boundaries and break free of her constant need for me to fulfil her emotional needs but the thought of what will happen to our family if she snaps and blames the breakdown on me is highly anxiety inducing.

For the last couple of years I have been making gradual boundaries with her about the amount of contact we should have. If she could have her way, we would probably talk on the phone for multiple hours every day and ideally (for her) I would move back to live with her and we would do everything together.

Her phone calls and texts sometimes give me so much anxiety because I feel so much pressure to respond and if I don't, sometimes she will text and call repeatedly and go into a panic and rage and tell me she worries I could be dead. Maybe she doesn't really think that I could be dead but uses it as a "caring" excuse and a way to guilt-trip and manipulate me into complying with her wishes. Maybe she just doesn't want to be rejected or feel abandoned. However, she has always gone to catastrophic thinking, paranoia and imagining extreme worse-case scenarios the whole time I've known her so maybe she really does think I could have died in the 24hrs I might take to respond to a text saying "hi".

I know this is only a very small snapshot of the story but I am just trying to get help, support, not feel alone and to heal and learn the best way to live without riding her emotional rollercoaster - hopefully without destroying our family unit. I love my family and my mother dearly. The "easy" way is to comply and act as the 5yr old child she wants me to be and let her love me and take care of me but also manipulate me and be her emotional punching bag but at what cost? That means forfeiting my own life, a chance at having a significant other of my own, a chance at not living with anxiety from: what extreme will happen next? what direction will my life be pulled in today?

Any support is appreciated as I start this journey of discovery, healing and change.

[Kwamina]

Hi abeatofthedrum

I am glad you've joined our online community  Sorry though for the circumstances that have led you here. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is indeed crucial when dealing with a disordered parent.

For the last couple of years I have been making gradual boundaries with her about the amount of contact we should have. If she could have her way, we would probably talk on the phone for multiple hours every day and ideally (for her) I would move back to live with her and we would do everything together.

How did your mother respond to you setting these boundaries?

In my teenage years, when my parents nearly got divorced, there was a definite role reversal shift that happened and I feel like ever since then I have become more like the parent to my mother.

I think what you say here is quite significant, many members have talked about the experience of "emotional parentification" when describing the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent. How is your relationship with your dad now? How does your dad view your mother's behavior and the way she treats you?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi!  I am joining the Board Parrot in saying welcome!  I too am glad you found us.  You have definitely found a group where we can relate, understand and support you as you navigate your way through you relationship with your mom and maybe make some changes.

Those changes can be hard to make but are definitely worth it.  You mentioned boundaries.  Can you tell us more about what you are doing to set and enforce them?  How does it feel for you when you do use them?

Sometimes our emotions about changing the dynamics of our relationship are what is most difficult to turn around and deal with.  We face a battle not just with our parent/family member but with our self as well.  We can help you with that too.

Hope to hear more from you soon.

[zachira]

I am so sorry for the circumstances leading to your posting on this site, and I am glad you found us. We have many members who describe similar interactions with their mother with BPD. You love your mother because she has done many wonderful things for you and at the same time dread interacting with her when she is acting out. You say your mother would call you multiple times a day and have you living with her, if she could. Sounds like my mother with BPD. What do you think would be the right balance of contact with her that would meet your needs? How can you limit her contact with you in ways that help you when she is behaving inappropriately?  Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[abeatofthedrum]

Thanks for the welcome everyone.

How did your mother respond to you setting these boundaries?

I started by communicating that I needed some space early on when I first started seeing a therapist about 2 or 3 years ago. She agreed to not contact me for a week and understood that I needed some space and was going through a rough time but then later sent angry messages and banded the whole family together to try and snap me out of it. Even my dad urged me to be a good daughter and don't be so cruel to cut the people that have raised you out of your life. That was a really awful time and somehow I got through it. There have been tentative conversations many times about how I need to have space sometimes and can't talk to her every day and it has fluctuated back and forth from every day to about twice per week.

There have been some conversations where she has actually understood (while admitting she wants me to be a child again and live with her so she can look after me) and agreed that it's good that we have our own lives and she's proud of me.

A couple of weeks ago we had a conversation and I reiterated that I can't talk every day. She whinges to me in a childish way that can't she just text or call every day and I just not answer or just reply telling her to 'F*** off'. She says she promises she won't be offended but she just wants to be able to text me and know I'm not dead. I explained yet again that I love her and don't want to speak to her like that but I also can't be expected to always reply and if I don't, can she please not keep texting and calling? Then I came up with the idea that if I couldn't talk for any reason, I could send an emoji of a bell with a cross through it (as in turning notifications off your phone) so she knows I'm ok but can't talk at the moment. She was so happy with the idea and was saying how excited she was about this plan. Then this Friday night I was feeling really emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt teary and depressed and I knew I couldn't handle talking to her this weekend cause I know I could be triggered. I also knew that she would be in a vulnerable state herself as my dad just went back overseas to his job which she will join him there soon. I knew she would be feeling really lonely and extra needy of me but I am also in a really vulnerable state so it's never a good mix.

So Friday afternoon she texts 'hello' as usual. She just wants to talk. Late Friday night I reply with "Hello. Just pretty wrecked so having a (bell emoji) weekend. Need to sleep and recover. Love you x."
Then she replies with cool and a question about whether I'd heard something about a certain event, which I replied to straight away.
Then she texts me at 6:30am the next morning passing on a message about dad arriving safely. I feel a tiny bit annoyed at this but it's a fair message and needs no response so I don't reply.
Then she calls me at 10am which then triggers me. I look at the phone trying to decipher why she is calling me. I say hi in a confused tone. She as usual starts by asking 'where are you? what are you doing? what's happening?' in succession which triggers me even more because my boundary not only got broken but now I feel she is invading my space and privacy. I reply in a monotone/flat tone "I'm resting". She's like "can I ask a couple of questions?" I'm like "yeah" and then she starts asking me tech support questions about her phone. I start answering and helping her but I'm obviously not my usual happy/perky self. Then after getting to the bottom of it, I ask "Did you not see my text yesterday? About me having an offline weekend?" Then she's like "What? I thought that just meant you were having a nap yesterday?" and then she starts whining like a child and guilt-tripping me. She's like "Owww, please? I had another question but I forgot. What if I think of it later?" so I said fairly bluntly "well you'll just have to wait til Monday" and she whines some more. I am getting more upset inside by this point because I am feeling the massive guilt building up and responsibility for her emotional wellbeing. Then I say "Well, I am allowed to not talk to you for 2 days" and she rebuts a bit annoyed and recites a value/right that she doesn't really agree with "Yeah, you're an adult, you can do whatever you want." So I say bye and that I love her. Definitely not our best or our worst interaction.

Later that day I get an email from her basically saying that I should be careful who I put barriers up against. She says your family should be able to contact you anytime and they aren't the enemy. She brings God into it and also says that she finds it hard to think that I go the extra mile for strangers and when I'm tired I'll lock my family out for a weekend. "You will find it harder and harder to get along with your family if you keep doing it". and "Take it from me, your family will be the ones that care and help in the end"

This email triggered me massively and I burst into tears and cried for hours. I know I am taking it too personally but I feel like she is threatening me that the family will fall apart and it will be all my fault. I also find it hard to know what's reality because I've grown up in a very enmeshed family and have always been taught that friends come and go but family is forever. The change of mind of hers from being supportive of my independence to extremely protective of her ownership of me and the constant back and forth makes me so confused. I obviously care a lot about what she thinks of me and when our relationship is good, it's amazing so I fear losing it. It also makes me so scared of her to think how vindictive she has been to me and other people in the past and that just wanting to not talk for 2 days after talking on the phone nearly every day or every second day for sometimes over an hour a two at a time for the past few weeks can set her off like this.

I'm thinking that I will wait until Monday to talk to her and ask her if she remembers our conversations about the emoji and about needing some space sometimes. And that I don't think her or any of my family is the enemy and I need space from all people at different times. I think I need to address that it's specifically her that I need space from as other people don't escalate into a panic when I don't reply. They just assume I'm busy. Also other people don't talk to me every day. I am happy to talk to her regularly but I just need breaks sometimes. Maybe I should explain that my goal is to not have to have blockout periods but just for it to be understood that I'm not available 365days/yr, 24hrs/7wk. The thing is, she wouldn't be annoyed at my sister for not replying because she's married and has someone that is looking after her but the hurt comes that because I'm single, I must be helpless and alone and need to be cared for.

Sorry, long response but this is really affecting me at the moment and it is good to be able to share and get some support.

I think what you say here is quite significant, many members have talked about the experience of "emotional parentification" when describing the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent. How is your relationship with your dad now? How does your dad view your mother's behavior and the way she treats you?

My dad takes her rage and angry outbursts and goes along with what she wants most of the time. I don't think he realises the affect that it has on me. I don't think anyone in my family really does because we have never had any boundaries previously with each other. Except my sister with my mother, she has always been quite strong in her own ways which meant enormous fights and my mother kicking her out of the house when she was about 19/20. My mother even blocked her on Facebook once and told her she was cutting her out of her life. I think through an intervention from an aunt was the only way that got sorted. Thankfully they have a good relationship now.

My mum has always verbally bashed my dad to me and tells me way too much about their problems. Only since seeing a therapist, and only in the last year I have practiced boundaries enough to be able to have more of a relationship with my dad. Before he moved overseas late last year, we would have lunch together every now and then and it would be so good to talk to him on his own and not feel too guilty as if I'm taking sides which I had felt previously. It's been harder since he moved though.

[Kwamina]

Hi again abeatofthedrum,

Thanks for answering my questions

Later that day I get an email from her basically saying that I should be careful who I put barriers up against. She says your family should be able to contact you anytime and they aren't the enemy. She brings God into it and also says that she finds it hard to think that I go the extra mile for strangers and when I'm tired I'll lock my family out for a weekend. "You will find it harder and harder to get along with your family if you keep doing it". and "Take it from me, your family will be the ones that care and help in the end"

This email triggered me massively and I burst into tears and cried for hours. I know I am taking it too personally but I feel like she is threatening me that the family will fall apart and it will be all my fault.

When I read what you paraphrased from your mother's email, my initial thought was also that this was a threat to try to 'get you in line'. Do you perhaps feel like your mother uses fear, obligation and guilt to try to control you and get you to do what she wants?

...fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG") are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

You can read more here:
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

When it comes to setting boundaries, I think it's important to note that boundaries do not necessarily have to be verbally expressed. You can also set and non-verbally communicate boundaries by changing your behavior and responses to the other person. There are also specific tools that can help when faced with false accusations and hostile communications:

Dealing with false accusations - Don't J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

Stopping circular arguments

Dealing with hostile communications - Keep it B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm

Were you perhaps already familiar with any of these tools? I encourage you to take a look at these resources to see if you might be able to apply anything to your own situation with your mother.

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

You can also set and non-verbally communicate boundaries by changing your behavior and responses to the other person.

Hi.  I want to follow up a bit on what Kwamina says here.  He is right that boundaries do not need to be verbally stated.  So with the phone calls, rather than texting back or answering, simply do not pick up.  Set in your mind how frequently you will respond and stick to that.  You can gradually decrease how often you respond.  So maybe start with once in the morning and once at night.  Then to once a day, then once every other day.

Expecting your mom to follow your requests is not working so change things up at your end.  Boundaries are about what you will do not what she will do.

Make sense?

[abeatofthedrum]

Ok. Thank you both for your help. I will try that although I fear that not answering or replying will start a build up of anger on her end so that the next time we talk she will be in a rage. That’s why her texts and calls can be so anxiety inducing because I feel like I have to text some good reason why I can’t respond at the moment to soothe her anxiety and need for my attention so that the relationship can stay somewhat stable but then am I just locking into her manipulation and control even more?

My therapist also noticed that recently I have been taking up a LOT of extra activities lately and ultimately I am wearing myself out physically and emotionally. She thinks that I am subconsciously trying to keep busy to avoid having to deal with my mother and the guilt of not being busy with other things and not wanting to spend that time with her. I didn’t realise I was doing this but I think it’s probably true. It has definitely increased lately cause she just quit her job in preperation to move overseas with my dad and also my dad is already there so she is alone without a job, friends or husband to keep her busy. Which obviously means extra time for her to imagine the worst, feel abandoned, be anxious, etc. And extra time to notice that I’m not being emotionally and physically available to her.

[abeatofthedrum]

Also thank you again for your advice and support. So wonderful to have people to talk to who understand this situation.

[Harri]

Ok. Thank you both for your help. I will try that although I fear that not answering or replying will start a build up of anger on her end so that the next time we talk she will be in a rage. That’s why her texts and calls can be so anxiety inducing because I feel like I have to text some good reason why I can’t respond at the moment to soothe her anxiety and need for my attention so that the relationship can stay somewhat stable but then am I just locking into her manipulation and control even more?

I understand the fear you speak of.  Being on the receiving end of a rage is hard.  You have to feel comfortable with your choice.  While considering it, and please talk with your therapist about this, are you willing to remain your mothers emotional pacifier?  When she is calling you and so dependent upon you, she is acting out but in ways that are less over the top than when yelling and raging.  What are you gaining by avoiding setting her off?  I am not advocating purposely making her angry, but I am questioning what you are really gaining here long term.

Again, this is just my perspective and you get to choose what is right for you.  Discuss it with your T and with us here.  We can help you explore while you make your own choices.