This is a garbage decision.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello.  My mother displays all the hallmark BPD traits but to my knowledge was never diagnosed as such (has been diagnosed with MDD).  I'm at my wit's end and ready to just walk away.

Except.  I do love her.  And I know all the abuse comes from a deep place of pain, not from some desire to cause me pain.  And when she's herself, we do actually get along very well. 

And we've been no contact (on my end) for long enough now that I know how hard it is to be completely cut off from family.  Holidays suck.  I'm single, so all I see around me are people getting in touch with their history and their roots, and I'm adrift. 

But if I stay in contact with her because I want to keep traditions alive, isn't that some twisted kind of codependence?  I have no hope her behavior will ever change for the better. 

And even if I *do* want to stay in contact... how?  Every time I have tried to set any sort of boundary, she's taken it as a red flag in front of a bull and just charged through it. 

Help.  Suggestions?

[firstdrive4]

Hello.  My mother displays all the hallmark BPD traits but to my knowledge was never diagnosed as such (has been diagnosed with MDD).  I'm at my wit's end and ready to just walk away.

Except.  I do love her.  And I know all the abuse comes from a deep place of pain, not from some desire to cause me pain.  And when she's herself, we do actually get along very well. 

And we've been no contact (on my end) for long enough now that I know how hard it is to be completely cut off from family.  Holidays suck.  I'm single, so all I see around me are people getting in touch with their history and their roots, and I'm adrift. 

But if I stay in contact with her because I want to keep traditions alive, isn't that some twisted kind of codependence?  I have no hope her behavior will ever change for the better. 

And even if I *do* want to stay in contact... how?  Every time I have tried to set any sort of boundary, she's taken it as a red flag in front of a bull and just charged through it. 

Help.  Suggestions?

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having a mother with BPD traits whom you would like to have a healthy relationship with and can't. What is MDD? It really hurts to go no contact yet sometimes that is necessary for a time so you can figure out what you want to do: continue no contact or set some strict boundaries while having low contact. If you were to reestablish contact with your mother what would be the type of contact that you envision? How would you keep in touch: phone, email, texts, visits? What would be the point where you would hang up the phone or not listen to a voice mail, ignore an email or text, or walk away from your mother in person when she is acting out? There are many people on this site who have a mother with BPD and can help you figure out what might work for you. My mother has BPD and I only take her phone calls once a week at the most and do not listen to her voice mails. She lives on the other side of the country and I only make short visits to her home. Many of our members have figured out what works for them when dealing with a mother with BPD, whether it is no contact or some form of low contact. It is different for everyone because some mothers are more impaired than others and there are some mothers who can at times be the type of mother we would like to have all the time. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.

[Harri]

Hi.  Let me join zachira and say welcome!  What you talk about here, wanting contact, no contact, wanting family and history and roots is something many of us can relate to. 

But if I stay in contact with her because I want to keep traditions alive, isn't that some twisted kind of codependence?  I have no hope her behavior will ever change for the better.

It could be a part of co-dependence.  Hard to say from here.  I think your decision should focus on whether you can accept that your mother will never change and that you will have to do the lions share of work to have a relationship with her.  We can only change and control us and our behaviors.  Changing things in us, or how we approach our pwBPD (person with BPD) probably won't change them at all... are we up for that is the question.

And even if I *do* want to stay in contact... how?  Every time I have tried to set any sort of boundary, she's taken it as a red flag in front of a bull and just charged through it.

  Lets take a look at this.  Sometimes when we set boundaries we are a little off in terms of how we do it.  We can be demanding or restrictive of the other person rather than having the boundary revolve around us and our personal values and how we choose to respond to their behaviors. 

There is also something called extinction bursts where the unwanted behavior will increase temporarily and we will get push back... sometimes pretty intense.   Holding firm and not wavering is the only thing to do.  If we get push back it does not mean our boundaries did not work... how they respond is not the metric to use here.  It is how we feel and respond to our boundaries and their reactions that matters.

Does that make sense?  Boundaries are tricky and can be hard to get a handle on... and yes, sometimes there are people who will ignore and push back to the extreme. 

Anyway, I am glad you are here.  We can help you sort things out and support you.  We are a pretty close group and are always open to welcoming new people.