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Author Topic: I thought knowing for sure would make it easier  (Read 537 times)
jinglebells1989
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« on: March 09, 2019, 12:13:42 PM »

Hi, Everyone 

It's been  a long time since I posted here. I initially found this site in the wake of a breakup with a woman whom I suspected had a personality disorder. That happened over two years ago when I lived in a different part of the country. Her behavior during and after the relationship is what lead me to this site, and many others, that discuss personality disorders.

Since that relationship, I've done a lot of reading, listening to videos online and even speaking with a counselor about what happened. I feel I have a pretty good grasp on the subject. I think that's typical for people who get out of these types of relationships because they're trying to process what happened.

The thing that drove me absolutely crazy with the girl who initially brought me to this site is that I wasn't quite sure if she was actually disordered or not. I remember thinking to myself "Damn, if only I knew for sure this girl was as sick as I think she is I could have an easier time moving on". That's what I thought.

Well I met another girl recently who without question is borderline. I work with her. Let me say that I absolutely know this was a stupid decision to get romantically involved with her but it is what it is. How do I know she's borderline? She fits 6 out of 9 DSM criteria and I've experienced her raging mood swings, the suicidal talk and actions (i.e. her hitting herself in the face multiple times as she stormed out of my apartment at 330 am one time), the very troubled family background, the laundry list of ex bfs (one whom she claims raped her) and she is very skilled sexually. I've had some of the best sex of my life with her.


I knew the fallout was coming and I thought I'd be ready for it. She kept accusing me of not caring about her and finally one day she told me she thinks we're too imcompatible and that our needs are so different that we should end things. I agreed. The next day I get a text from her asking if we broke up or not as she wasn't sure how we left things the day previously. I told her that we were broken up.


Since then she's been causing me a lot of trouble. When we were dating I would occasionaly leave her little xoxo sticky notes on her desk with a breakfest bar or an apple. After the breakup I went out to my car one day after work and all the sticky notes were on the hood of my car. She kept them all aparently. 3-4 times a week at work she'll park her car right behind me on the street. Sometimes I'll catch her staring at me when I come back from lunch and one day she timed it perfectly as I walked past her saying to another co-worker of ours that she's already talking to a new guy. She said that specifically to hurt me. She knew I was in ear shot.


It just seems like she's trying her best to get under my skin. I've been proud of myself that I was the one who ended this relationship but at the same time I did care about her. I thought it would be EASIER to walk away from someone if I knew for sure they were mentally ill but it hasn't made things any easier. In fact, it's made me realize that I still have work to do on myself because of the fact that I got involved with her. It's sad too because I realize there's no way to convince her or try to reason with her. That's why I'm staying strict NC. I know that if I tried to reach out to her I'd get some sort of weird punishment from her and, again, because I work with her I know it could get UGLY fast. I am wondering if she will continue to keep trying to get my attention or if it will slowly fade away.

The point of my post is that you can't play with fire. I knew what she was and thought I could get in and get out without getting hurt and I was wrong.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2019, 12:29:00 PM by jinglebells1989 » Logged
toughlover

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2019, 08:01:04 PM »

Hey jinglebells,

I just made my first posts (very long read if you have the time) and had a similar experience starting a relationship with a co-worker and BPD sufferer. I can absolutely relate in the complexity and struggle in starting something romantically with someone you share much of your day time with. Thankfully, in my case, the woman is incredibly professional and no one knows that she as any issues at all because of the presentation she has worked so hard to build and maintain. However I have very strong feelings for this person so in some ways it makes it harder because I have a tougher time finding the justification or satisfaction that it's over, because she's not doing anything crazy towards me. I almost wish she would rather than acting like nothing ever happened. In any case stay strong and know that you are doing what many of us didn't have the strength to do earlier. 
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2019, 10:04:49 PM »

@toughlover

You’d think it be easier to leave if she was messing with you, that’s what I would have thought too but it’s the opposite. It’s like she’s trying to maintain the connection which makes it harder to forget about her.
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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2019, 04:22:39 PM »

Hey there, jinglebells 1989. Glad that you’re back: This sounds like quite an ordeal.

The point of my post is that you can't play with fire. I knew what she was and thought I could get in and get out without getting hurt and I was wrong.

I’m curious about your motive. Getting in and getting out. What do you mean?
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2019, 10:19:12 PM »

Hi jinglebells1989,

Im glad that you decided to come back to  bpdfamily after this breakup. It sounds like you gave a good handle on what’s going on. You’ve identified that you still have some self work to do and that it’s netter to self protect than to try to reason. Be a small target and don’t bring attention to yourself fro at the work place. Eventually this will die down a pwBPD do not handle rejection very well as you slready know. Hang in there.
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2019, 08:08:15 PM »

Hey there, jinglebells 1989. Glad that you’re back: This sounds like quite an ordeal.

The point of my post is that you can't play with fire. I knew what she was and thought I could get in and get out without getting hurt and I was wrong.

I’m curious about your motive. Getting in and getting out. What do you mean?


Apologies for the late response. What I meant was that initially she pursued me like a homing missile and because she's very attractive I figured it'd be nice to have some casual sex with her. She did seem a bit socially awkward, and I've been through the ringer with a cluster b woman before, but I was optimistic maybe she wasn't that bad.

The sex was wild. Just unbelievably passionate and she knew what she was doing. That was a red flag in and of itself. It was that "too good to be true" kind of feeling.


I finally, after 4 months, ended the relationship and was able to walk away because of what I saw in the final few weeks. The D day event was the night she stormed out of my apartment at 3 AM while she was hitting herself in the face. I have never seen anything like that before and it was my for sure sign something wasn't right.
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jinglebells1989
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 119


« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2019, 08:17:09 PM »

Hi jinglebells1989,

Im glad that you decided to come back to  bpdfamily after this breakup. It sounds like you gave a good handle on what’s going on. You’ve identified that you still have some self work to do and that it’s netter to self protect than to try to reason. Be a small target and don’t bring attention to yourself fro at the work place. Eventually this will die down a pwBPD do not handle rejection very well as you slready know. Hang in there.

Thanks. I am trying my best to remain calm at work and have done so for over a month now, but I know for sure she is trying to get me to react to her.

She's been parking her car right behind mine 3-4 times a week on the street (There's other spaces she could park at). When we were dating, I used to leave little sticky notes on her desk with "xoxo" written on them. A week after we broke up I found all those notes on the hood of my car. I threw them away and didn't engage. The next day she shows up to work wearing a grey turtle neck and lip stick. When we were dating I told her that her grey turtle neck was my favorite outfit she wore. She clearly thought I was going to talk to her the day after she left those notes. I didn't.

I work in sales and because of the industry I'm in, once every 2-3 months I have to work a few hours on Saturday. She works in accounting and it is UNHEARD of for accoutning folks to come in on Saturdays. Sure enough, the first Saturday I had to work after our breakup, she shows up...wearing the grey turtle neck. I didn't engage.

Last week I went into the kitchen to make coffee one morning and she's in there with a few of her accounting colleagues. As soon as I walk in she goes "HI!". I politely said "hello"...but it was awkward. She angerily walked out of the kitchen about 30 seconds later. I think her saying "HI!" was a more of a visceral reaction than anything else and she was upset with herself for doing so.

The thing she's been doing lately is really bugging me though. I'm 6'3'', I lift weights, have my own apartment and am able to support myself. Lately, she is taken quite an interest in this 5'6'', 23 year old - 7 years younger than her and myself, scrawny asian kid who lives at his Grandmother's house. He works in our office. The kid is the COMPLETE opposite of me and she's been showing him a-lot of attention lately. I think they've "hung out" outside of work a few times. This has been the thing that has almost gotten me to react. I'm not sure if she's screwed this kid yet but he's been giving me A-LOT of dirty looks and attitude the past couple of weeks. At the very minimum she's sh*t talked me to him. What hurts is that she is very attractive and this kid is such a downgrade from what I am. I know that makes me sound like an as*hole, but it's the truth.

Why on earth would she be doing this? I even spoke with a licensed psychologist about this and he told me that he could absolutely "guarantee" she's doing it just to get a rise out of me. The asian kid is on cloud 9. He thinks he's won the lottery. I almost feeling like warning him about the tornado that's about to flip his world upside down in 1-2 months...
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JNChell
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Relationship status: Dissolved
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« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2019, 06:41:56 AM »

Hey, jb1989. This sounds a bit stressful. The post-it notes stuck on your car and her parking by you. I get it. She may be feeling rejection/abandonment on a high level, although I can’t be sure.

I’m trying to better understand the situation. If I read correctly, you have experience with another Cluster B woman and you recognized these traits in your current person of interest? Am I accurate when I say that you were seeking out a casual fling and developed feelings for her and now that it’s over you’re experiencing pain? I only ask so that it makes it easier for us to know where the core of the issue is.

Don’t sweat the new guy. Don’t let it eat at you and don’t take it personally. Whatever is going on is likely a matter of her getting attention. It’s not about you. It’s about her and her needs. If she is a pwBPD, she can’t see beyond her own needs. No empathy.

Give us an update when you’re able.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
jinglebells1989
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 119


« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2019, 10:00:26 AM »

JNChell,

Yes, that's correct. I had a year and a half long relationship with a woman when I lived on the east coast whom I suspected was a cluster b. The fallout from the relationship is what got me into all the reading and studying I've done on the disorders as it was the only way I could get any closure, i.e. it was the only explanation that could have explained why that woman acted the way she did - I do believe she was more of a narcissist though.

The woman that I'm writing about in this thread seems to be very much more on the borderline end of the spectrum. She pursued me very hard in the beginning. I could tell she was a bit socially awkward and something about her didn't feel quite right in my gut but I wanted to give her a shot as she did seem so nice and kind at first. A few months in is when her first screaming over something minor episode took place. At that point I was already catching feelings for her so I persisted. However, because of all the reading I've done on the cluster b disorders, I didn't need to see too much more before I pulled the plug. So I was with her only about 4 months before I ended it.

As far as this new guy goes, I'm trying my best not to let it bug me but I just cannot believe what a downgrade he is. It's made me embarrassed to say I ever even knew her or dated her now. She is such an attractive woman and for her to be spending so much time with this KID makes me sick. I cannot believe she's doing that.
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JNChell
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« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2019, 07:13:28 PM »

I’ve had several relationships with women that didn’t suit me as well. Some were abusive. I could say that they are disordered and blame them, but I’ve found that blaming them doesn’t help me. I have my own problems that contributed to the chaos. My last relationship produced a child, S4, and his mother triggered things in me that I didn’t know were there. The thing is, I stayed and pursued her every time she left. Being with her was the lowest point of my life. I’m lucky to still be here. But, I stayed.

Would you get back together with her if the situation presented itself? Or are you ready to detach and learn from what you’ve been through? Either way, we can help you.

Regardless of labels, abusive and manipulative behavior can hurt people that are vulnerable to it. Digging deeper, why are we attracted to it?
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
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