Have others been ghosted?

[VMJ7675]

If so, how did you ever get over it?

I am one of the few people on these boards whose relationship was a plutonic friendship and not a romantic relationship.   But it was the most intense friendship I’ve ever experienced.  My friend was 10 years younger than me and I alternated between playing the role of her mother, sister, best friend etc.  Along with her BPD she had terrible episodes of depression during which I cared for her.  I’ve written all the details on other posts on this site, but we became incredibly close and while I primarily played the caretaker role I must admit I also became codependent.

Anyway on Jan 1 of this year she completely blocked me without any explanation.  And the crazy thing is that on New Year’s Eve (ONE day before I was blocked) she texted me this gif of Champagne glasses toasting and told me how much she was looking forward to the next chapter of our friendship.  Then the next day she didn’t reply to any of my attempts to contact her and a few days later I realized it was because she had completely blocked me.

I did so much for this person and cared so deeply for her.  And quite honestly it’s been 10 weeks and I still think about her constantly and still feel terribly sad.  We spent tons of time together (she was actually living in my home up u til early december while she was in between leases).  I just can’t get my brain around how somebody can be your best friend and the suddenly vanish with absolutely no explanation. It feels like she died yet I know she’s actually alive and well and chose to do this to me.   It is so painful.

Have others experienced ghosting and how did you cope?

[schwing]

Hi VMJ7675, and

If so, how did you ever get over it?

I got over it by treating it for what it was: abandonment.  It was a kind of trauma.  You don't just "get over it." 

I am one of the few people on these boards whose relationship was a plutonic friendship and not a romantic relationship.   But it was the most intense friendship I’ve ever experienced. 

I don't think a relationship needs to be romantic in order for it to be intense.  For me, my romantic BPD relationship paralleled the kind of painful relationship I had with my mother which is why I was drawn to the relationship in the first place.  Unconsciously I tried to work out the pain from my maternal relationship through my romantic relationship.  I figuratively almost married my "mother."  But at the time I didn't think this was the case at all.

I’ve written all the details on other posts on this site, but we became incredibly close and while I primarily played the caretaker role I must admit I also became codependent.

I'm codependent also.  For me, it took this degree of pain and trauma to force me to do something I found as difficult as pulling out my own teeth: taking care of myself.  IMO, this is the mantra of the codependent: others and all before self.

Anyway on Jan 1 of this year she completely blocked me without any explanation.  And the crazy thing is that on New Year’s Eve (ONE day before I was blocked) she texted me this gif of Champagne glasses toasting and told me how much she was looking forward to the next chapter of our friendship.  Then the next day she didn’t reply to any of my attempts to contact her and a few days later I realized it was because she had completely blocked me.

I hate to say this but you might consider that she has always used you for her emotional purposes from the beginning.  And this effort to completely cut you off is yet another aspect of her doing what she needs to do for her purposes: she needs to blame you and make you her emotional scapegoat.

I just can’t get my brain around how somebody can be your best friend and the suddenly vanish with absolutely no explanation. It feels like she died yet I know she’s actually alive and well and chose to do this to me.   It is so painful.

It is as though someone you depended upon (emotionally or otherwise), someone you trusted and love, just left you for no discernible reason... abandoned you.

Have others experienced ghosting and how did you cope?

I don't call it "ghosting."  But use this an a reason to take care of yourself.  Consider using the "recovery" model to help you recover.  One day at a time. Expect to fall off the wagon.  Love yourself.  You deserve it.  You don't deserve to be put through this again.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[VMJ7675]

Schwing—

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and advice.   It is so helpful to hear from others who understand BPD.   I never really knew what it was until after this experience and it’s mine boggling.  Despite everything, I still feel for her because I can’t imagine what it’s like to live with BPD.

 Yes – one day at a time feels like the only thing you can really do.   And thanks for acknowledging that you really don’t ever “get over it “but you can heal with time.

VMJ7675

[Sirnut]

Hi VMJ

Your experience sounds similar to mine in some ways. I was in a high intensity friendship too and I know how big a thing that is. Like you I was acting as a kind of protector/rescuer as well as a best friend. My friend and I were really close and we had a powerful bond of trust between us for some years.

The ending for us wasn’t quite like the instantaneous ghosting you described, but it was close to it, and it came without much warning. Two days after our last conversation as friends, she was unhappy with something I’d done and she sent me a harsh email effectively shutting down further communication.

The message was so harsh and cold that at first I didn’t believe it was really from her. But it was. And so after years of being in constant contact, she just stopped responding to messages and phone calls. I saw her a few times after that at our local church but it was a total shutout - she wouldn’t even make eye contact. Then she disappeared entirely without a word. That was a year ago and I haven’t seen her since.

To me the whole thing was just shocking - I’d put so much emotional energy into supporting her for years and it was like she turned into a different person who I didn’t even know. I was devastated and heartbroken. I wondered whether I’d ever really known her at all.

I felt many things when this happened. Mainly grief at the loss of a friendship that meant so much to me. Also anger and confusion, and a sense of being disrespected, like as if our friendship never meant anything to her, when I’d put so much into it and she seemed to value it before.

At that stage I’d have given anything just to have one more conversation, or even just to say a respectful goodbye. But there was no chance of that - it was just an impenetrable shutout.

This all happened more than a year ago now - sorry for the long history.

The question you’ve asked is, how did people cope with these sorts of things - the ghosting/shutout?

The answer for me is, not very well for the first few months. Like yours, mine was *only* a friendship, but for a while the grief was debilitating.

Over time, I found the most helpful thing was just to talk. I talked it through with friends and family members and spent many hours going through it all with a professional counsellor. With her help I’ve done my best to make sense of what happened, as much as you can without talking to the lost friend anyway.

There’s no magic solutions here. Find someone you can trust. Talk it out, cry it out, and let time do the rest. A year later I feel like I’m functioning normally again, most of the time anyway. I still feel a lingering sense of sadness about what happened but I’ve come to view it as part of my life story now and something to build on.

[crushedagain]

I was not "ghosted" but I do think my BPDexgf "ghosted" some old friends of hers. The reason I say this is I received a text message from one of them looking for her, long after she had left me, saying she couldn't get hold of her. I did not reply as I had never met this person and I had nothing to say.

My guess is she got rid of her cell phone, all her email addresses, etc. and disappeared to start yet another life - a behavior that I long suspected she had previously engaged in before she met me. Such a beautiful, yet extremely damaged woman.