NC + The First Family Cut-off

[aslowrealization]

I communicated to my uNPD/possibly uBPD mother a little under two weeks ago after a shorter period of no contact (two months), that I still need time apart, which could be at least a year. Many months ago here, I've talked about my sib, who is the GC to my SG.

Today I got a message from them saying that they don't understand what's going on between me and mom, but they wanted to know what updates I wanted. I was honest and said that, at this time, only the "worse case scenario" updates and that even then I could not promise any more involvement (I cannot).

They let me know that "out of respect for mom" they would be there if I absolutely needed it without judgement but they couldn't promise anything more than that.

I respect their decision and, since they are much closer to mom than to me anyway, it's not surprising. But I would be lying if I said that I'm a little disheartened that just asking for some time apart from her has resulted in me being cut off by them, almost as if in retaliation, without even asking for more information on why I'm doing this.

I guess it's "fair"...but it also reinforces my suspicions about my family situation. A healthy family with more balanced relationships would not take one person's side of the story without even asking for the other's. This has only made it more clear to me that what I'm dealing with is an unhealthy and unbalanced family dynamic.

I don't know how many other family members will follow suit, but it's possible that I might be in the process of losing the minimal connections I've had in recent years with most of my family over this. But, at the same time, if they're so easily lost over this, maybe they didn't stand much of a chance of ever becoming more than vague associations based on my mom's dominance and assessments of me...

If anyone else communicates that they do not wish to continue contact with me, I respect their decision and will communicate as such. But, with the internal work, how do you fight the voice of doubt that rises up when you see the numbers on the other side increasing?

[Turkish]

The family system seeks and adjusts to stabilize itself,  even if that is "unbalanced."  That is what the family members have learned to do.  It sounds like mom is the center,  and with you withdrawing,  they will adjust to rebalance,  even if it's a dysfunctional dynamic as viewed from the outside. 

Though they weren't exactly rude to you,  it sounds like they've made their places clear. 

[aslowrealization]

Hi Turkish 

In a way, I suppose it's one of the better scenarios I could have hoped for. They did show enough agency to ask what updates I wanted rather than just sending anything she told them to send without question, and have made their own choice based on their view of our family dynamics. Based on how I saw them interact with her at the holidays, I'm not surprised at all that they ultimately chose loyalty to her, even though we had been communicating a bit better between now and then. Since she has a major illness, she plays the elderly/sick card hard and will most likely do so for the rest of her life. When you throw that in with a good person=does whatever parent (especially mother and especially sick/elderly mother) wants without question belief system and being on the receiving end of GC-type treatment, some result along these lines is really the only one that makes sense. I should reiterate that she is not without care and resources (such as a roof over her head, etc.) from her own and other sources - but, in spite of this, she insists that all family (extended family as well) should be loyal to her and do whatever she wants without question simply because she is getting older and ill.

On the plus side also, they weren't rude as you mentioned or cruel about it - they didn't try to guilt me into getting back in touch. They just communicated their own boundaries.

I received some other (positive) family news about a week and a half ago that may possibly have her in a worse place emotionally and I can see it being a situation of her needing a trash receptacle for her negative emotions more than usual right now. I'm refusing to play that receptacle, so instead she's doubling down on fixing her most loyal ally (allies?) in place with a common enemy, and that person is now the one who is attempting to put me back into that place (intentionally or unintentionally).

I won't lie - it hurts to imagine that it's possible you're being thought of as a monster when you have been dealing with damaging behavior all your life and all you want is emotional health. It feels like the other person does not value or respect you as an adult, because mother is always the "real" adult. But I try and remind myself that they're acting from their own emotions and experience and there's a chance that what she is likely reading as being some kind of attack on her, they're taking as being a kind of slight against them too. Or they could be dealing with a bit of shock and confusion...we're all used to orbiting her without question and suddenly there's a planet breaking itself out of that orbit...this is new territory for us all.

I also want to express that a teeny tiny part of me really hopes that them being somewhat understanding indicates that they can, at the very least, sense or see that something is "off" with our family dynamics.

[Notwendy]

A healthy family with more balanced relationships would not take one person's side of the story without even asking for the other's.


This is what astounded me about my BPD mother's family. I didn't imagine it. They are all intelligent people, yet, they seem to take my mother at her word.

When my father was ill, BPDmom was angry at me. She began to call people to tell them fabricated bad things about me. I know this because she even called my in laws and they told me what she said. Fortunately, they don't believe her and thought it was crazy. When I confronted her about what she said, she denied saying it and her answer was "who told you?". She triangulates, tells people "in secret" things and then says " don't tell Notwendy".

Yet, her family seemed to believe her and went along with her "secret". I was embarrassed to think they'd believe what she said. They've known me my whole life and nothing I have done supports one of the lies she said.

Yet, I thought about it- even if they did want to hear my side- it would be two completely different "truths".  I would be saying she's a liar. They probably wouldn't know who to believe.

Sadly this has put a wedge between me and her family. I grieved it. On my part- I'm embarrassed around them wondering if they believe what she said and don't feel I have a way to correct it.

[GaGrl]

One thing that happens when a family member lots out of the continued unhealthy dynamic is that the remaining members now have to deal with it. You may hear from your siblings when they have experienced your mother's behaviors without the scapegoat (you) on which to place blame.

[Notwendy]

Yes, dysfunctional families exist in a sort of equilibrium. When one member changes this, the other ones experience discomfort. The family is "off balance". They may not be conscious of this- but anxious that the "rules" are broken.

One first response is to try to rally the "wayward"  family member back into their role. They may try different ways. Eventually they may ostracize the member. That's hurtful.

I am ( was ) the family scapegoat. When I began to have boundaries with BPD mom, my father wrote me an e mail. "I just want us to be a happy family again".   Our roles were to try to keep mother happy, and when I wasn't doing this, this is how is was experienced.

I found it interesting that people didn't consider whether I was happy or not.

As to my mother's FOO- I think they expected me to take care of my mother the way my father did when he was alive. I realized I couldn't do that- in the way she wanted it. I am willing to help an elderly parent but with her, it meant no boundaries, enabling and tolerating her abuse. So that was part of being painted black. They haven't stepped in to do it either.

[madeline7]

Good morning,
You mentioned "a healthy family with more balanced relationships" in your post. In my situation, I have come to realize (and working on acceptance) that my FOO is an unhealthy family with unbalanced relationships. Almost like living in opposite world. After many many years, I am gaining perspective on the entire family and how everyone placed Mom as #1 priority, even with the knowledge that she was emotionally dysregulated. This caused a no win situation for just about everyone in the family and equilibrium was not possible. Healthy and balanced were just words and never a reality. My Mom is now elderly and widowed and stays in waif mode more that raging at us, but the manipulation is ever present. I cannot change my Mom or FOO, I am grieving the loss and it hurts deeply, and working on focusing on the people in my life that are supportive to me.

[zachira]

Madeline7
Glad to hear you are working on focusing on the people that are supportive to you. I have found that to be the main way of healing from all the abuse and not to feel so bad when I am grieving never being treated with love and respect by my family. There are so many great people out there who can see you for who you really are and will treat you with respect and kindness.

[aslowrealization]

Gagrl, I think you may be right about my sib reaching out because they're getting it from my mother...she didn't respond to or acknowledge my email telling her that I will be continuing to stay out of contact (which was a calm, straight-to-the-point message that I'd revised a few times and even run by my T) but now I know she has been reacting to it in some way.

This is what astounded me about my BPD mother's family. I didn't imagine it. They are all intelligent people, yet, they seem to take my mother at her word.

Notwendy, boy, do I relate to this statement...my sib is very intelligent and actually my mother is also...but there seems to be a big ol' mental block when it comes to anything family-related. I'm trying not to think too much about what she might be telling other people about me or about the situation...I've witnessed her smack talking many, many people (from family members to her work colleagues to neighbors and friends) over the years for acting in ways that differ from her values much less (and often for things that do not affect or involve her) so I can only imagine. This is where the "I cannot control her, only my own reactions and responses" comes in big time. The same goes for extended family's expectations...with me being female, our culture being somewhat traditional when it comes to what's expected of daughters versus sons, and given the fact that my father was ill for many years and she took care of him (so now someone else "owes" her care), I can only imagine what they're saying (though I've also witness my mother smack-talking other cousins of mine when they got involved in the way that they had determined works best for them and their situation for not doing enough, particularly the women).

madeline7, I'm glad you've found and are focusing on supportive people too. And distance and/or perspective are incredible when it comes to insights into FOO dynamics. For instance, I've only recently realized some deeply entrenched beliefs I had that "a good child always defers to their mother" or expresses thanks for them...without considering that most people do this because they have emotionally healthy and nurturing relationships with their mother that warrant that type of thanks (rather than automatically acknowledging someone simply because they are your mother) and they're able to defer and receive heartfelt guidance (and be trusted to make the right decision for themselves in the end) rather than commands, emotional manipulation, or guilt trips. I hadn't been able to make that distinction until I'd been 100% away from mom for a couple months for the first time in my life. I've also started to realize that she might actually have a deeply emeshed and/or emotionally damaging relationship with her sister (who is also possibly uBPD, but from what I've heard from my mom about her shows more of the control/involvement traits with her own children)...in the past I just saw their closeness as a good thing because families being close is always good, right? Now I'm starting to look at it all with new eyes.

And hi zachira ! Thank you for reminding us that there are kind and respectful people in the world and that all relationships don't have to be like what we experience in our FOO.