Glad to be here - building healthy relationships

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’m new to the board and grateful to have found others that can understand. I’m just starting my journey to recovery after childhood emotional abuse from my mother who is likely uBPD. From reading about it she is likely ‘the hermit’ type with no job or friends that I can remember. My parents frequently moved because my mother never liked where we lived and subsequently I spent my childhood in 13 different schools. I now feel that this was likely her way of isolating me from others so they wouldn’t have a ‘bad influence on me’. I was always forced to be just like her and have all the same interests and hobbies. Ive struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 10 and never sought help because it was heavily shamed in my family as something that ‘weak losers do’. Two years ago I finally sought help and my therapist finally id’ed my childhood experiences as severe emotional abuse. That was a major shift for me as I had always just chalked it up to something being wrong with me. Since then my anxiety and depression has subsided a lot and my self esteem has improved but I still struggle with having close healthy relationships. I’ve never had any long term friendships/relationships beyond my parents and my now ex husband of 11yrs who also had abusive tendencies. I would love to have healthy relationships in my life but struggle with distrust as well as just not knowing how to bond and relate to ‘normal’ people. I find I’m becoming increasingly angry towards my parents and past as I feel like I’m damaged and may never have a normal life. If anyone has any good resources or things they’ve learned I would love some advice!
Thanks so much!

[Kat82]

I’m new to the board and grateful to have found others that can understand. I’m just starting my journey to recovery after childhood emotional abuse from my mother who is likely uBPD. From reading about it she is likely ‘the hermit’ type with no job or friends that I can remember. My parents frequently moved because my mother never liked where we lived and subsequently I spent my childhood in 13 different schools. I now feel that this was likely her way of isolating me from others so they wouldn’t have a ‘bad influence on me’. I was always forced to be just like her and have all the same interests and hobbies. Ive struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 10 and never sought help because it was heavily shamed in my family as something that ‘weak losers do’. Two years ago I finally sought help and my therapist finally id’ed my childhood experiences as severe emotional abuse. That was a major shift for me as I had always just chalked it up to something being wrong with me. Since then my anxiety and depression has subsided a lot and my self esteem has improved but I still struggle with having close healthy relationships. I’ve never had any long term friendships/relationships beyond my parents and my now ex husband of 11yrs who also had abusive tendencies. I would love to have healthy relationships in my life but struggle with distrust as well as just not knowing how to bond and relate to ‘normal’ people. I find I’m becoming increasingly angry towards my parents and past as I feel like I’m damaged and may never have a normal life. If anyone has any good resources or things they’ve learned I would love some advice!
Thanks so much!

[zachira]

I am sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here yet glad you have found bpdfamily where you will interact with many people with stories that are similar to yours. You will find support and understanding here. You are beginning the long journey of healing and getting to have the happy life you deserve. Know that you will get there and it takes time and facing the pain. I too have a mother with BPD who did everything to keep me from having an independent life from her, and still is intent on controlling her children's lives. Many years of therapy have helped me immensely. Of all the books I have read on BPD, I find "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" the most helpful in providing the understanding and tools I need to recover from a life time of abuse and to move forward. I too have suffered from a fear of intimate relationships and had problems with getting involved with people who don't treat me right. What has changed for me, is I now feel worthy of having healthy kind caring people in my life, and have wonderful friends. It has  taken nearly my whole life to get to this point, and you will eventually get there too if you keep going to therapy and taking the steps to have a better life; just be patient and recognize that you are indeed a courageous person to face all that has happened and is happening to you. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful. Post anytime. We are here to comfort you and celebrate with you the small changes that make things better that eventually become big changes in well being.

[Kat82]

Thank you for your kind words Zachira. It’s nice to know that I might get to that place too one day. I’m very grateful for the support here ❤️

[Harri]

HI.  Let me join zachira in saying welcome to the board!

She is right when she says you will find people here who can relate and will support you.  We all work together and help each other deal with our challenges.  I also agree with her when she says you will get better.  I can definitely relate to being isolated and not feeling worthy.  It is relatively recent that I finally accepted that I am not fatally flawed as a human being.   I have spent a lot of time in therapy plus posting here to reach that point.  I think posting here helped me with that part of my healing the most to be honest. 

I think a lot of us here struggle with trust issues.  One thing I have found is that as I heal and find the strength I have within me, I find it easier to trust.  Not so much others but myself, just knowing I can handle whatever happens.  Well, I make it sound like IK am 100% there don't I?  I am not but I am loads better than I used to be. 

 

I find I’m becoming increasingly angry towards my parents and past as I feel like I’m damaged and may never have a normal life.

I think anger is a good thing when healing.  I am not sure a place of no anger will ever come for me or even you, but we can learn to deal with it and be okay because lets face it, some things were just wrong and never should have happened.  But they did.  Fortunately while our experiences may have shaped us they do not define us right?  We are more than that.

You mentioned isolation, depression and anxiety.  A divorce from an abusive person and lack of long term relationships.  I can relate to all of that except the divorce.  I was in a 7 year relationship with an abusive guy though.  I am not surprised as we both had issues that seemed to compliment each other in certain ways.  I don't think many of us can grow up the way we did and not have problems with other people.  That makes me angry too.

Anyway, I hope you share more.  We do care and we get it.