Got tired

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,
I decided to drop here a line or two, no other big ideas for now.
I just realized how tired I got recently because of being in this relationship. I am alone actually most of the time, I shut up so many times a day to not tell how dumb she is, retreat mode day for day. I now see that even her 12yo daughter is (in some areas) more emotionally grown-up, she (the daugther) frantically tries to explain things to the mother, but hits stone wall, this madame truly has no idea what others talk about. I don't know if I will continue long term. She tries her best (works like a slave to please - and yes I know, also to control -everyone), but she is so BPD, emotionally completely blind, acting out etc.. What I possibly see is how another BPD girl is being created. Its a horror sometimes.
We became engaged last summer... It all got much worse since my fiancee started to be burnt out (her unhealthy work style&patterns and problems with the daughter she completely doesn't understand), she is deaf to any suggestions, she sometimes agrees but nothing changes.

[Hidden Dragon]

Hello,
I decided to drop here a line or two, no other big ideas for now.
I just realized how tired I got recently because of being in this relationship. I am alone actually most of the time, I shut up so many times a day to not tell how dumb she is, retreat mode day for day. I now see that even her 12yo daughter is (in some areas) more emotionally grown-up, she (the daugther) frantically tries to explain things to the mother, but hits stone wall, this madame truly has no idea what others talk about. I don't know if I will continue long term. She tries her best (works like a slave to please - and yes I know, also to control -everyone), but she is so BPD, emotionally completely blind, acting out etc.. What I possibly see is how another BPD girl is being created. Its a horror sometimes.
We became engaged last summer... It all got much worse since my fiancee started to be burnt out (her unhealthy work style&patterns and problems with the daughter she completely doesn't understand), she is deaf to any suggestions, she sometimes agrees but nothing changes.

[Cat Familiar]

You sound like you're really exhausted by this relationship and also very worried about her daughter's future. Are there marriage plans in the near future?

[Hidden Dragon]

Thank you for your feedback. There are no set plans, but recently most of the family asks when will I marry this nice girl.

[Sandb2015]

Welcome Hidden Dragon,

I'm sorry you are having this stress with your rs as well as the added problem of a young person.

I'm in a similar situation, currently separated and I've seen the teenage son of my SO becoming like or showing traits of his mom.

I tried to intervene at times with him and I took the wise path of backing out of the dynamic, the time will come when I may have a more positive influence, right now, I can't do much.

If you can focus on the rs as priority, it may help.

[Cat Familiar]

You know you can change your mind if you want to. There are plenty of stories here about people who married their partner, even after seeing red flags, hoping that things would get better. They often get worse, sad to say.

[Hidden Dragon]

Thank you for the answers.
Please excuse my English, its very academic and may be a bit unnatural. ;)

I am aware of the risks and possible future outcomes and it of course concerns me a lot (often). I am in this business since a lot of time, I know her possibly better than she does.
I am not quite a typical person, I am an introvert and like to be alone. This is why it worked more or less until now, almost a win-win, but not quite.
I recently thought about what disturbs me most, and after her emotional blindness, which leads to unnornal conversations and actions, I also pinned down that her emotional detachment - which is her default if she is not clinging or raging - is very, very invalidating towards me and everyone else. I feel alone in this "rs", she has three states - rage, passionate or unavailable. She as a normal person I can talk to is very, very rare, and even for me, a person who loves lots of personal space it is though to bear. In terms of this forum she is the most invalidating person I know... (after my mother , but we are going too deep here now)...

[Cat Familiar]

If your mother has a personality disorder, it's not surprising that you would find a partner who has one as well. I had a BPD mother then I married an extreme BPD husband, and after I left that marriage, I'm now married to a husband who has BPD traits, but is much more emotionally healthy than the first one.

It just feels "familiar" to get into a relationship that is similar to our family of origin.

I'm an introvert too and I think there might be some qualities we find in an emotionally expressive person when we first meet them that are attractive to us in the beginning. And because they easily express emotions, we know they like us (at the beginning) 

But when we are in a marriage, we have to be able to tolerate our spouse's behavior on a daily basis. Is this something you think you could do with her?

[Hidden Dragon]

Cat Familiar,
I appreciate your answer. The question you ask is too tough to answer now or maybe I'm too afraid to say it.