How do you stop identifying with your BPD parent’s labels from childhood

[Kat82]

I’ve been doing some self help work and have realized that a lot of my mother’s  labels still affect me today. She always criticized me for not having enough friends, not having good social skills, being boring, being unhealthy (not eating well, not exercising, being depressed). Most of these she contributed to like isolating me from my friends and family, making me vegetarian when I was 5 (because we were such good people and animal lovers) and not providing balanced nutrition until I became anemic and underweight, discouraging me from getting help when I was having mental health issues. Today I have improved a lot of these things but my parents (my father is an enabler) still insist on labelling me this way. They will still comment on how I really need to start exercising even though I have said plenty of times that I do regularly, they still act as though I have no one in my life but them though I do have friends I spend time with, they still criticize my eating and how terrible it is even though I usually eat well. They cut me off mid sentence as though what I’m saying is the most uninteresting thing ever. I find even though I know they’re wrong I almost feel like a fraud, like they know what a worthless person I am and I just don’t realize it. A lot of the criticism runs so deep I feel like even if I never spoke to them again it would still be with me in my own mind, they are still my go to criticisms for myself when I’m feeling down and I know I almost overcompensate to prove them wrong. Has anyone else worked through something like this? How did you do it?

[zachira]

It is a slow and painful process yet very worthwhile to examine and disown all the unfair labels some parents dump on their children. It can help to understand that some parents fear their children becoming separate people from them and do everything they can to disempower their children to make the children believe that they can never be people in their own right. A second step is undoing all the damage, and learning that you are a worthy person in your own right, which usually takes years of therapy, and lots of courage like you are showing right now to be curious about why you feel so badly about yourself at times and the strength you are showing to face the pain with hopes for a brighter future. In my life time, I have spent hundreds of hours listening to my parents bad mouth aunts and uncles who were the scapegoats on both sides of the family. These aunts and uncles were very kind to me, and most of what was said about them was either untrue or grossly exaggerated to make the aunts and uncles look bad. I too was the chosen scapegoat and have gradually seen that most of the terrible labels that were cast on me were not merited, and are not a true picture of who I am, though I do have my shortcomings just like any human being. You are in therapy, and working hard to feel better. As I said in another one of your threads, just be patient and keep doing what you are doing and you will feel better with time. Post here as often as you need to. We have members we hear from regularly as they continue to heal.

[aslowrealization]

Hi Kat82 

I am very much still on this journey of working through and breaking away from labels placed on me from childhood by my uNPD/possibly uBPD mother but I have two thoughts that I'd like to share with you.

The first is to realize that you've already done one of the most difficult steps in the journey and that's to be aware that your mother is operating from her perceptions of you and that these perceptions are hers rather than some ultimate judgement of Who You Really Are. That's not an easy task so please take a moment to rest in acknowledging the strength and self-compassion it took for you to do this. It may feel like it wavers from day to day or hour to hour but it's there.

The other thing I wanted to share is that it may help (particularly if you do this with a T or trusted partner or friend) to think and/or talk through what you feel those labels say about you as a person. Do you find that you attach value judgements to things like having a lot of friends or being healthy? Do you think of them as saying something about who you are as a person or your overall self-worth? If so, is this something that you believe yourself or does it come from somewhere else? Just starting to think along the lines of what you value versus what you've learned to value from your mother and/or other sources can help you move towards focusing on what is actually important to you and those with whom you have healthy relationships and away from feeling like you "should" do x simply because mother or someone else values x. You may find that you do, in fact, value some of the same things but you can start to shift your focus to why they are important to you.

[itsmeSnap]

How did they "implant" those labels in the first place?

Repetition, (false) evidence, (implied) social validation.

1) They told you for years, that's easy to understand. You have to tell yourself often about the new you. try not to focus on "I'm no longer this", instead "I am me, and I am like this".

Denying/rejecting the label keeps it at arms length, but that's not far enough for our purposes. We need to establish new ones, let go completely of the past.

2)They pointed out (still do) your flaws constantly, "see, this is why you are like I say you are". You have to realize when your new self is expressed and make note of it. You see it, you experience it, it is real. Keep experiencing your true self and it becomes easier with time.

3) Your parents told others about who you were because you were a kid and "they knew better". Maybe they just "told you" what others were thinking without much evidence. your parents certainly told you what THEY were thinking, and they were certainly a major part of your social group. That image got internalized because "others" believed that about you.

When you notice people see that new self in you, they comment on it, you notice a different reaction, they know the new you, and so you believe it further. Despite all the individualism in our society, we are social creatures and we want others to see us in a positive way, aligned with our own perceptions of ourselves.

Show the world who you are, and make note of the fact that they are seeing what you see.

Hope that helps
 

[Kat82]

 I do think you’re right that while I place value on some of these things I’ve maybe not thought of my own healthy reasons for why that is, they’ve just always been apparently important because my upbringing says so. I do get the impression that they continue to give me untrue labels so they can justify trying to control me by ‘helping’. Thank you both for listening. This is great advice and it’s just nice not to feel alone.