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Author Topic: Mom Is Changing Her Will  (Read 686 times)
zachira
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« on: March 14, 2019, 02:30:23 PM »

I have two siblings and a mother who all have BPD and NPD. My mother just told me this morning that she is changing her will so my brother can have her house. My brother has been living with mom for close to 18 years and takes care of her finances and supervises her caretakers. I don't mind my brother getting the house in some ways after all he has done for mom, even though I could use the money that I would get from selling the house, except for the fact that this seems to be another chapter in the family dysfunction. My brother was not liked by either my mother or father when he was a child. When he used to come home after school in his teenage years, he would hide in the basement until dinner time so he would not have to run into mom and be subject to her abusive behaviors. It seems he started taking care of mom when she got too old to live on her own, as a means to redeem himself and become the favorite child. Mom still abuses him, and I have tried for years to get my sister to insist that we put mom in an assisted living so he can have his own life. Both my mom and siblings are true BPDs alternating between fears of abandonment and engulfment. I experience the fear of engulfment from both my siblings in that they suddenly tell me they don't want me around. I believe my brother's fear of engulfment got me permanently kicked out of Christmas and staying at mom's house which was supported by my sister and distressed mom to no end as she still wants me to stay at her house.  There is nothing that I have done that merits this type of treatment, though I am human and well aware that I can make mistakes. I think my brother is asking mom to change her will so he will own the house because he fears I might show up and stay. Mom told me that even though my brother will own the house, I can still come and live there, which I am sure is fueling his fears and part of the reason he is likely asking to inherit the house. I just feel so sorry for him. I had really hoped he would leave the house of horrors once my mother was dead and make a life for himself. My BIL said years ago that we would have to buy a house with my brother after our mother died because otherwise my brother would go and live in another real dump, like he has always done. I agree with my BIL that my brother does not value himself enough to live in a decent place even though he has the means to do so. This is just another sad chapter and I realize that my siblings will not likely change for the better, and most likely become more mentally ill with age like mom. Thank you for reading my post. I am doing fine, just periodically get overwhelmed by all the dysfunctional crazy family behaviors from two siblings and a mother, all of whom meet the criteria for both BPD and NPD.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 02:36:28 PM by zachira » Logged

HappyChappy
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« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2019, 03:12:16 AM »

Hi zachira

Thats sounds incredible frustrating and all too familiar. Sounds like your mum’s triangulation has worked with your brother. Good news that you know whats going on. My Dad was adamant we kids got the same, I must admit even I was surprised to see my BPD had managed to engineer it so her golden child got the lot. My sister was devastated, but then she doesn’t believe BPD is a thing. At least you know whats playing out here. I guess you brother is an adult acting out of free will  (technically) and his situation is none of your doing. My Dad was under the spell of his BPD and maybe he liked being dominated ? Maybe your brother is different to you ? At least its not you in the house. Peace be with you. 
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
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« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2019, 05:49:18 AM »

BPD mom was angry at me when my father died and I was written out of the will. I wasn't concerned about material things but I feared my father had disowned me. I wanted to know if it was his idea or hers to do it but later had to understand that her ideas ruled no matter what. I suspected that she had written me out but she didn't admit it.

Later, she wanted me to sign some papers at her lawyer's office and was surprised when the lawyer told us I couldn't sign- she had named another relative to be her next of kin. She then realized this was not a good idea and wrote me back in the will.

She's then revised her will a couple of times.

She has a favorite child- the golden child. I just assume she will leave what is left to him- if there were to be anything left. She doesn't manage money well and yet didn't trust me to help her manage it. She wanted to be in control and so she is.

I did want some material possessions of my father's for sentimental reasons. She knew I wanted them. At first she refused to let me have them. Over time, she has passed on a few things but since he saw them as a way to manipulate me, I had to let go of them emotionally. At this point, I don't care what she puts in her will. I did care what my father did- I wanted to know if he cared about me or not, but once he was gone, she rewrote it.

This is in contrast to my in laws. They have their own issues but not BPD. Their estate is divided cleanly- and they did it ahead of time. There are some dysfunctional dynamics- but they did not use their will to create emotional drama.

I think that's what it comes down to. A will, in a dysfunctional family, can reflect the dysfunction.

I think the situation with your brother reflects her relationship with him. . She probably worries about where he will live and by leaving the house to him, she doesn't worry as much.



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« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2019, 09:47:40 AM »

I took a class on personality disorders many years ago to get continuing education credits for my professional degree. The instructor used TV and film clips to illustrate various PD, ie: NPD, BPD, antisocial, etc. When he discussed the BPD traits, he used Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. It was the scene where Michael Douglas is breaking it off with her, she first screams "I hate you", he stops the clip and says to the class "You're out of the will". He starts the clip again, Glenn Close now says "I love you. You can't leave me", then stops the clip and says to the class "You're back in the will". He does this a few times. You get the drift. It certainly made a dramatic point. I think my parents changed the will at least 10 times in the last decade leading up to my Dad's passing. Not sure where it stands now, and will likely be surprised (probably not pleasantly) when all is said and done. I truly don't want anything, but don't want my kids to be excluded and their feelings to be hurt.
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zachira
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« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2019, 12:32:40 PM »

Thankyou HappyChappy, Notwendy and Madeleine7 for your replies and sharing your experiences and feelings about your mother's will. I am so sorry what you are having to deal with and admire how you are handling all the challenges which helps me to have courage to keep moving forward. I understand how Madeliene7 does not want her children hurt and not have them left out of the will. I think we get to a place where we are stronger and more concerned about how the behaviors of our family members with BPD impact others, especially our children.
I mentioned a couple of years ago about coming to stay at the house for a while to help clean it out after mom dies, and my brother blew up. Mom has been talking for years about having me live there, and that is probably another reason why my brother desperately wants to own the house. Notwendy, I think you are right: mom may possibly be offering the house to him as she is worried about where he will live once she is gone. I am not really hurt this time like before as I have started to have compassion for my mother and siblings, not that I want to have much contact with them as I don't like being abused by them. I am feeling so sad for my brother, and realize I can't help him. He will likely never have a life of his own, and will die in the house of horrors where he has been abused his whole life. My sister is not likely to change either and will likely become more of a burden to her husband and children. I am feeling lucky that I am who I am yet sorry for the kind of lives my siblings and mother are living and realize I am the only one who is able to be happy as I am able to face pain and sorrow, and able to have loving caring friends which my family members with BPD and NPD are incapable of.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 12:46:05 PM by zachira » Logged

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