Blamed when i havent done anything.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, yesterday i missed a call from BPDbf because i fell asleep. I had new contact lens fitted yesterday which made me keep falling asleep. I texted him at 5.15 yesterday to see how he was, he read the message straightaway, then called me back 2 hours later, by which time i had fallen asleep.

This morning thinking he was working I apologised for missing his call yesterday and would catch up with him later. He called back straightaway.

He didn’t believe me that i had fallen asleep, he thought i was out with my friends (his ex friends), i wasnt. He said he felt ignored, marginalised, all other stuff i cant remember. I listened and validated when i could. I tried to lighten the mood by asking other questions, he just kept dragging it back to how i didnt care about him, about how i prioritised those friends above him. how i dont do this and that. I kept calm.

He is feeling rubbish at the moment with his health, i get that,  but he doesnt trust me at all, even though im telling the truth. I understand that he is hurt about his friends, but they havent really abandoned him, that has come from him. I know that they have tried to contact him but he doesn’t answer or get back to them. I am more friends with the females of that group than his friends. I dont mention the friends at all, he does.

Anyway, he asked what i was doing today, and im just having a quiet one, getting used to these lessons. He was just going back to watch a film. Our conversation was over an hour, it ended not with pleasantries but not with anger either.

Any suggestions what to do now. The fact he doesnt trust me when im telling the truth, is of concern.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Supertrouper]

I forgot to mention when he called me last night 2.5 hours after hed read my text, he said thats because he was asleep. He obviously wasnt, because hed read the text. So he was lying. Could that be why he thought i was lying, when i said i was asleep. It then makes me wonder why he didnt answer straightaway because apparently he wasnt working yesterday.

[Supertrouper]

I didnt JADE, i think. I did have to repeat that i was actually asleep, nothing else, just ‘i fell asleep’. Is that JADEING. Also, i used SET when i could, and it just seemed to stop him in his tracks with the blaming, for a few minutes anyway. He tried to provoke me into being jadey many times but to be fair, i could hear how peed off and upset he was, so i think thats what kept me calm and the fact that i knew that on my end yesterday i did nothing wrong, other than not answer his call, and i get that that could have been seen as me not caring about him, ftom his side, even though its not true. I think i have learned a bit how the tools work, plus my own work on myself has helped.

[Supertrouper]

What i need to know is how not to walk on eggshells. The conversation ended this morning with me needing  some advice from him about a diy thing and he said that he would do it for me. Then he went on about shopping for stuff in the supermarket he was in.

How much do i contact him. I haven’t spoken or texted him tonight, give us both some space. How can i be romantic, upbeat etc when he doesn’t trust a word i say. A few pointers in the right direction to go please.

[Supertrouper]

I spoke to him tonight about the evening away this week, apparently i picked a good place. So a good start.

Anyway, he wasnt in much of a talking mood, said if i wanted to talk s!£t, i should do that with my c&)/y friends. I ignored that. He projected a lot, ie, ‘you are not self-aware, you are not a good parent, you dont listen,’, the usual stuff that i know is not true about myself. So i just listened and use SET when i had to. This tool does stop him in his tracks. Apparently i put his blood pressure up as well, not him and his bad lifestyle habits and anxiety.

Anyway, we sorted out this weekend. I just have a gut feeling that he will be distant and argumentative the whole time, so id better get prepared.

He said he still couldnt sleep, which is another reason why he is grumpy and sensitive to anything i say. I asked him why he thought he couldnt sleep, and he said how am i supposed to know. I just said, well its your body, so have a think about it.

He still tries to get me into an argument, but i use the tools. The only thing that he did that does wind me up and he knows it does, is that he puts me on speaker, and sometimes i miss what he is saying because it goes crackly. Then when i ask him to repeat what he said, i then get accused of not listening. Its not that im not listening, i cant hear what he is saying. I know he does it so he can say this, and i dont get triggered by it anymore, it annoys me, but i dont voice anything. I think i might just tell him i will stop talking if he puts me on speaker.

Well although he was a bit crotchety, the conversation was ok.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, im just practising SET. Now i think he will be distant and wont want to get too close at the weekend, i should say his anxiety will be high, which may be difficult in the same room. So to diffuse his possible distance, i mean he might not be but just in case, would this be ok, S- Im sorry you feel that way. E- I can see that you are uncomfortable being close and i dont want to make it more difficult for you. T- So shall we just lay down and talk/hug?

Not sure if thats ok. Ive got others im still working on for other things he may bring up during the weekend.

[once removed]

you dont listen,’, the usual stuff that i know is not true about myself. So i just listened and use SET when i had to. This tool does stop him in his tracks

Supertrouper,

why are you so quick to dismiss what he says as not true?

its difficult to resolve conflict with that attitude and approach.

isnt the important part not, for example, whether or not you are a good listener, but that he doesnt feel listened to? if your goal is to stop him in his tracks, wouldnt that speak to why he feels that way?

[Supertrouper]

That wasnt the only thing he said, and i wasnt dismissing it.

Maybe i use the wrong language, but stopping in his tracks, is just my way of saying, he appears calmer when i have used SET. Which is what i thought was the whole point, so that i can then listen properly without him projecting a whole barrage of abuse.

I have only just started to use the tools, so would appreciate a little more help.

[once removed]

I have only just started to use the tools, so would appreciate a little more help.

what do you think the primary problems in the relationship are as he sees them?

[Supertrouper]

That i dont listen, and that i dont communicate properly. That he feels not prioritised. They are the main things. However, we dont have this problem when he is calm.

[once removed]

However, we dont have this problem when he is calm.

these are longstanding conflicts in your relationship. theyve come up a number of times, and they dont vanish when things are calm. in fact, times of calm are really the best time to address them, to resolve them, to work to get on the same page.

if you read your posts, you are pretty quick on the defense. the title of this thread is "Blamed when i havent done anything".

rehabilitating a relationship is less about who is right or wrong, and more about resolving conflict. to do that, we have to get out of our own perspective and our defensiveness, and really, truly, see it from someone elses perspective. only then can we really address it.

if you have read this (and watched the video), i would really encourage you to do so again: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

[Supertrouper]

Its just a title once removed, and i did understand his perspective on it, which is why i never got defensive with him when he was talking, i let him talk and used SET.

When he is calm, we can talk, for a little, however he gets too anxious to carry on for long, which is fine, but when i then try to bring up the subject again, when he is calm another time, he finds reasons to not talk. So i need to learn how to change that dynamic. I am watching the videos.

[Supertrouper]

He is meant to come home today. So i texted him to see if hed got home ok. He called back and said yes and that hed been busy once hed got back. Hed done two loads of washing, tidied up the house, rang about renting a garage to put the clutter from his house ( and there is lots of it, he is a bit of a hoarder) into it, hed been to the pub, went back home to eat, then was in the pub again with his friends to finish the night.

He then said about Saturday and our evening away and he just said that gives him two days to get on with stuff, i took that to mean to give him space to do what he has to. I told him that id checked with the hotel that they could cater for his diet, so he was pleasedabout that. I can get on with other things while he is busy, might go out with a friend tomorrow.

I just listened to what he had to say, asked a few questions about his tidying up etc, kept it light and upbeat. He talked about his computer etc. He talked about what colours we could decorate his house. I said what colours, he said he didnt know, so i just said we could have a look at it.

Was the conversation one-sided? No, i got to ask questions and say um and ok and add a bit. Im glad he called back. Did i expect it to be just a friendly chat? Yes. Did i understand his perspective? Yes, he wants his time until Saturday but i will keep in touch with texts. Did he ask me anything? Yes, about Saturday. Did i JADE? No. Did i listen with empathy? Yes i think i did, i got that he needed space. Was everything said calmly? Yes. Did i get a chance to say anything? Not much, he controlled the conversation. Did he ask anything about me? No. Did he ask me what i was going to be doing? No. Do i think that he was interested in what i had to say? No but thats my perspective. Do i think that he wanted to hear from me and just see how i was being with him? Yes. Do i think that he would have seen anything from my perspective? No, otherwise he would have asked questions, i would have thought. Did I worry about it? No, i remained calm and just listened and said to enjoy his evening.  How do i really feel though? The same as what he tells me i suppose, not listened to, unthought of, but the difference being i feel unable to say so.

Back to the tools and dbt.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, we had a busy but enjoyable weekend. I will start with Fri.

I was going to spend the evening at home but he called to see if i wanted to meet up. So i said yes. I met him in the pub. He was with two of his friends, one who i know and is a good friend  and one who he had told me about but i had never met, but he had told me that he was a person-centred therapist. I noticed and was later told that the therapist friend never switches off and seems to constantly analyse people, but from what i gather, it slightly annoys people, and people have mixed feelings about him. Now, while i was chatting with them, he was talking to my BPDbf about his mental health at various times during the evening, he avoided answering anything, other than saying ‘my mental health is shot to bits’, and then diverted to talking about something completely different. I think this annoyed my BPDbf a bit as he then started saying things to me, and i was only observing. Anyway, some of the conversations he wanted to talk about, really werent the place in the pub to talk about, especially with his friends around, so i just kept saying, ‘im listening to you and i hear you, but this is probably not the best place to discuss it.’ So eventually we went somewhere else.

So we sat down and i just let him talk and validated him when required to. He said, why had i contacted him again, he was happy to have walked away, he didnt want to, but he would have done. He loved me, he didnt like me, he couldnt be friends if we weren’t together, he wanted to work at him but knew it would be hard. I answered some of his questions but his thoughts and feelings were contradicting themselves,i think thats the right word, and it was sometimes hard for me to say anything, so i just thought he seemed confused and unsure of what was going on. The rest of the evening was good and pleasant. I also did find out a little more about the friends situation as he mentioned it. I asked what was the issue with them, as they were his friends too, which he said, no they arent. I asked why and he said its because of what they had told me about an ex girlfriend and that i had listened to them and not him.

To explain, last feb, when he left again, it was a stressful time for him, but i had gotten quite upset about it, because although i tried to get him to not leave, he just had to. Anyway, these friends kept in contact and they told me some things that had happened to my BPDbf, it must be 10 years ago with his exgf. Apparently they had been out for 4 mths, and for whatever reason, and even the friends didnt know, they split up and he became suicidal, almost lost his house, that his friends at the time, made him go to the doctor. To be honest, they didnt know much. Anyway, when we got back together in May last year, he asked questions about my exh, so i asked him about his exg from 10years ago, all I remember saying was that your friends mentioned you had a difficult time, and as he has had difficult times in the past, i thought he might talk about it, I never mentioned what they said. Now i can only assume that that is what he means by listening to his friends. He has no idea what they said to me, because i have never told him, and i dropped the conversation when he didnt say anything last year and have never asked again. I can understand it was a horrible time for him back then and maybe he didnt want me to know about it, because he has never once told me about it and i guess he feels betrayed by his friends. I dont know. I got a bit of information anyway.

I will carry on about sat and sun in other posts.

[Supertrouper]

On sat, we went away during the afternoon. We had a lovely afternoon. He kept asking me why i had contacted him again. I just said, i had made a mistake and didnt really want to break up with him, i was just angry and when he came home from his job and was being difficult, when all i wanted to do was talk, and he didnt, that that had infuriated me to do something irrational.

We talked about the house, and what we should do, he needed a place to ‘go to’, i know that means for space, i have mentioned this to him many times, and we have never really got round to it. We talked about day to day things and had a nice time. Again he mentioned the friends. This time one of the female friends apparently ‘hit on him’, while we were together and she also ‘hit on’ and possibly was more intimate with the partner of another female friend. He just kept saying, this is what your so called friends are like. I have never heard this before from him and i didnt know what to make of it, other than knowing that he wanted me to acknowledge that this had happened. I was unsure what to think and still dont.

We has a lovely meal and just chitchatted. Then we sat at the bar and he called me a commitment phobe at one point. I said why did he call me that. He said, because he always felt like i had only one foot in the relationship. And that is true. Its not that i was a commitment phobe though, its because i didnt know when he was going to just up and leave again, so i was protecting myself i guess. I just said, i wasnt and that i was probably protecting myself. I couldn’t say why i felf like that, id had a bit to drink by then, so it would have come out wrong, and i didnt want our nice day to become an argument, so i changed the subject. Im  sure he will ask again.

Sunday came, i was quite tired. Late nights and listening is tiring. Anyway, he asked me to meet him for a couple of hours on the sunday as there was a good band on. So i went. Then he starts talking about a range rover that he wants and that we should buy one, one day. Im not bothered about one. He then starts saying that we should have a joint account to save up for things like the range rover and other things. Yes, quite a massive jump. Anyway, i just took the whole conversation that yes he probably does want a range rover, but most importantly he wants to do things together.

He seemed quite relaxed over the weekend and asked me if i would help him next week to clear some of his house, and that he would do something in my house, that i had asked him to do ages ago. Will try and have another pleasant week.

[once removed]

Then we sat at the bar and he called me a commitment phobe at one point. I said why did he call me that. He said, because he always felt like i had only one foot in the relationship. And that is true. Its not that i was a commitment phobe though, its because i didnt know when he was going to just up and leave again, so i was protecting myself i guess.

disengagement in the name of self protection is coping mechanism that is destructive to relationships. frankly, it is better to have both feet in the relationship, or not at all.

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

on the flip side, you can use these opportunities when they come up as a way to resolve conflict, get on the same page, and work together.

[Supertrouper]

Thanks once removed. I will bring up the committment phobe issue again with him or he will. On sat, i just felt id had too much to drink( and i dont drink that much) and what i needed to say may have come out all wrong and maybe caused disagreement, so i dont think it was a good time. I just said, no i wasnt a commitment phobe and sorry he felt that way. The protective wall wasnt there at the beginning of our relationship, its just got bigger. I dont want it to be there and hope working on myself as well, will get rid of it.

[Supertrouper]

Havent seen my BPDbf since sun, but we have chatted on the phone and he has been busy with courses and his friends.

He seems to be on a high at the moment. He told me today that he made muffins for colleagues at work as they had helped him. He also had a talk with a charity leader to install a defibrillator near to the pub he goes to (he was on a first aid course yesterday which must have inspried him). Well, after his conversation with the charity leader, they gave him half towards the cost of a defibrillator and he is now in the process of organising with his pub friends some charity events in the pub, to raise the rest. I was massively impressed with this and it deserved some praise and encouragement, which i gave to him. He said, i thought you might be impressed. What a great thing to do.

This is not his usual style, doing things to help others is usually more mine, so i will continue to encourage and reinforce this good behaviour while it carries on.  Im going to help him tidy his extremely untidy house tomorrow as we are staying there this weekend.

[Supertrouper]

I went round to help. It was not tidy. I cannot believe someone can have so much stuff. Im not minimalist but there is a place to put things. He said he had been tidying it all week, im not convinced unless it was worse than that. Anyway, i got on with the bathroom, now it clean and smells nice. While i was doing this, he cooked his dinner, which was absolutely fine, he had to eat, then he sat down. That was not ok. So i said, ok which part shall i do now and which part are you doing. I got a bit of lip and ignored that, so i then decided to start off in the kitchen and he started tidying stuff in the lounge. The fridge had food/growths/bacteria possibly from may 2018. It is now clean.

Then he decided that was enough. Not sure he enjoyed tidying up. We went for a beer, he didnt feel very well, so i went home and he carried on to another pub. He wasnt in as good a mood as he was yesterday, probably because he was unwell. He said he appreciated the help anyway. We chatted a bit about his work and what he was going to do with the house.

[Supertrouper]

After coming home and cooking my own dinner, i sat down and realised that my BPDbf needs a bit of support. His house is so untidy, he is probably overwhelmed with it, as it is, so i can support him there, just got to encourage him to get on with it as well.

Also, he really needs to go to the doctor. He is not right, his blood pressure and his insides need looking at. I think he is worried about his health and is worried about going. But he does need to go. Its up to him, i know, and i can only encourage him to seek help, but how long can you ignore your own ill  health.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, he has just spoken to me for about an hour. He only called to say goodnight, but then just said that there had been an incident. He said that someone had annoyed him so much in the pub that he had gotten them by the throat and on the floor to tell them to shut up. He didnt hurt him, but not a good way to vent your frustrations. I asked him why hed done that, and he said it was because he was frustrated about us. I asked him to go on and that i would listen. He did say that he had noticed i was making an effort to communicate more. He just said he needed to get things off his chest.

I listened and validated when i could. Some of his points he made i could understand and said so. However, the whole conversation from him was about me changing. I again understood where he was coming from on most parts and he recognised some of his own behaviour which may not have been helpful in our relationship, but mostly it was blaming me.

He kept saying that he had only called to say goodnight but thrn he kept on about his frustrations, so i just listened. One thing that he said that i could totally agree on was that we sweep issues under the carpet and they dont get resolved. We may have different ideas of what these issues are but we can agree we cant keep sweeping them away.

Towards the end, i still listened but kept quiet, as i was started to get annoyed with disagreement and a bit upset with some of the things he said, but i stayed calm, although a bit exasperated.

He then talked about tomorrow and he wants us to stay at his. Hopefully he wont drink loads and we can have a chat about a couple of issues so that we can actually try and resolve them, rather than him just trying to get everything off his chest all in one go, and we dont actually get to resolve even one thing.

How do i help us address a couple of issues at a time without him getting frustrated im not wanting  to talk about anything else, otherwise, we are going to both get exhausted.

[once removed]

what were his primary frustrations?

However, the whole conversation from him was about me changing.

in what way(s)?

[Supertrouper]

Hi, yes his primary frustrations were feeling ignored. Also how we havent moved further forward in nearly six years, ie living together, but that involves more of his frustrations.

I understand his frustrations and i also understand that coming into a house where 3 people have lived together for years, may be difficult. However, when he did live with us, 18mths ago, that was not the best time for him, he was highly stressed about work and he was sensitive about everything. He used to hate how my boys were noisy. They weren’t overly noisy, normal teenage noise, music, xbox, that fair enough i was more tolerant too, and it didnt annoy me so much. However, he used to tell me, it was irritating him and he expected me to tell them to quieten down. I know i did say, that it was not noisy and that i couldnt hear them and that they didnt annoy me, but i did go and tell them to turn it down, my youngest son usually. Which he did. But every time BPDbf came home, it was like he was getting himself prepared for the noise before it happened and they did make some noise, that set him off. He was frustrated with my parenting that i did not keep them quieter. He has no children and has never been out with anyone with children, so he doesnt know how they can be.

Also, another frustration is that he had nowhere to go in my house, that he could escape to. I understood that, so when he asked if he could build a workshop outside, to work in and to escape to at times, i said yes. He got the stuff to build it and then never built it. So he still had nowhere to go.

Now, the boys are 18mths older, much more mature and tend to be out a lot now, so the house is generally quiet. Also, i have made a study space, which he could use if he wanted.

Other frustrations: i dont listen, but im working on that. I don’t compromise, i can, but when the other person isnt compromising, there is nothing to compromise with. Im an idealist, instead of a realist. I live in the clouds. I think by this he means i live with a positive attitude, which is opposite to his. I think we are both idealist and realist at times.

I cant remember what else. He did say how can he support himself if he is not supported.

His idea of me changing is me taking more control. To him i am  an untypical woman who doesnt run the household. In my head, he wants me to do everything in the house, and sort everything out, and he has no responsibility. He says my equlitarian attitude of doing things together is in the clouds.

I was exhausted after hearing it all. There was more and if i can remember what was said i will write it down.

[Supertrouper]

We had a nice night out. We chatted about things, the commitment phobe thing he called me. I again said i was sorry he felt like that and that i could understand how he would feel. I did add though that the truth is that i felt that he wasnt able to make more of a commitment to me because he was still married (happily separated for 15 years, those were his words) and that sometimes I felt that he held back from making any commitments, not just being married, but just anything that we could do together. He did say afterwards that he had never seen things in that way before, so maybe that was a step forward.

At the beginning of the evening he did say he was a bit stressed. I asked him why and he said work had messed up his travel arrangements, so his travel would be difficult. I validated that it sounded difficult and asked if there was any other way. He just said not sure and then said, if i had a homelife to come to i woukd just say im not going, but i havent, and also if i had a homelife i would just get a job locally and not worry about the money. I just listened. I know that he would miss the money, he has a big issue about money, and having a nest egg in his bank. Due to my circumstances, with my children and finances i was left with after my divorce, i cannot provide a nest egg, at the moment. I can provide a bit of stability and a home and certain luxuries like trips away, but not lots of money.  This would be an opportunity for compromising at a later date.

Also, during the evening, he almost started a fight again. Someone was swearing quite loudly in the pub and it was offensive, so he went to tell them to be quieter, and being inebriated they obviously said no, so he egged them on to wanting to sort it outside. I managed to calm him down by saying they are not worth it, so he came back eventually but it took him ages to calm down, but we just talked through it and i used SET which helped. He then got told off by the barlady for almost starting a fight, not sure he liked that either.

After that we just had a laugh with friends. He is supposed to be organising something for this evening but i havent heard anything yet.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, have been away with my sisters and our children for a little break. It was nice. So i havent posted for a few days and have just caught up on my last post. So following on from that.

He didn’t organise anything for the evening, even though i had mentioned it a few times during the week that going for something to eat would be nice, so we could chat on our own but i gathered that we were staying in the pub id met him in. I had to order a pizza to be delivered to the bar as i was starving. Still had a good evening but it was pub related again.

The day after was mother’s day, so after going round to my moms with my sisters, i met him in the afternoon briefly in the same pub. Had a good couple of hours. Then i went home.

He likes me to send goodnight messages to him before i go to bed, so i did.

Then he went away to work and he mentioned numerous times before he left how he had appreciated how much i had helped him and that i hadnt done that before. So he cant remember the numerous times i have then in the past six years, i didnt say that though. . I went away with my family, so we havent seen each other. He mentioned that he wanted me to call him more while he was away. So i did. I called every couple of days and he sort of suggested every couple of days too at the end of chats. The first sat, it was not a day to call him, i went out with some friends just to their house. These are not the mutual friends who i have previously mentioned. On the sunday, when i was meant to call, he asked why i hadnt called last night ie the sat. I thought, well we had said a couple of days, but i just said that i had gone out with friends to a house party, they were selling candles, makeup etc. Then he starts having a go at how stupid these parties are, that i dont need to go to parties like that as i could buy stuff like that at the shops and that the people i was with were all cackling c£&@s. He doesnt know any of them, apart from one, who has known him many more years than i have. I just let him talk. I could understand how he would be upset that i had gone to this party if he had been around on a night we usually would have spent together,  but he was away.

Anyway, i then went away and still called him every couple of days. We chatted a little, he asked how my holiday was going, and i asked him how he was. Nice chats, then he kept saying on most chats when it was time to hang up, im going to go now so you cant pester/annoy me.  I didn’t ask how i was pestering or annoying him but obviously i was. How though, i have no idea. Most of the time he talked about himself and when i got to talk about what i had been doing, he didnt seem very interested and changed the conversation back to him. So i dont know. I dont think im calling him too much now, as i feel that he expects me to and he seems to like it. I think maybe he doesnt have a lot to say as he is just working, he just likes to be contacted.

Im not sure when he is coming back as the job is taking longer than it should. But he will be away again in a few days of returning, so we wont get much time together.

[Supertrouper]

Hi he came back on monday after having had to drive for about 12hours. Today he had another long day sorting things out as he has to go away again to work tomorrow. Yesterday i spoke to him and suggested i come and see him today just for a bit before he goes again, but he was like ‘we’ll see, ive got another busy day’. So i said ok. Today i texted him, just to see what was happening, and he said he was still busy doing stuff for going away. So i thought, i know he must be tired and he is still getting ready to leave again, so i thought to myself, i will just leave him be so he can get on. So i never went to meet him and i said i would call later.

So i called later. He then asked me where was i. I said what do you mean. He said that i was going to meet him. I then said sorry that i didnt but that it seemed that he was busy getting ready to leave tomorrow as he said he had lots to do. A little jading i know. I then asked him why hadn’t he called me to meet him himself and he answered, ‘i could have done but i didnt’. He said he wasnt annoyed about it.  I  think he wanted to be on his own, but i may be wrong.  I did say to him that i was dissappointed that i wasnt seeing him.

We then had a nice chat but eventually he then went on and talked me down, like he does, projecting, like he does, putting family and friends down, like he does.  I listened and validated when i needed to.  We laughed as well, over some things, not a bad conversation. Later on i said, when you come back can we do something together, he said yes, i then said, because it will then be a month that i will have seen you. He then said, id be ok seeing you once a month, once a year, never again. Well after the not so bad conversation i was taken aback by this, so i said nothing, i didnt know how to respond.. Eventually he said that it was up to me and how i behaved if the relationship went forward. Again i didnt know what to say.

To me that sounded like he wants me to put all the effort in. Im trying to see it from his perspective, but all i come up with, is what he has said before, if i put the effort in, it gets effort back from him, somewhat conditional, rather than him putting in the effort as well.  I am happy to put the effort in and he has said that i have but i feel i am putting  effort in to keep us talking, im always texting/calling him and suggesting things to do, im struggling to see what effort he is putting in. Maybe he doesnt want to.

[Supertrouper]

He has been away a few days and although he has moaned about the size of his room and bed and how noisy the apartment is that he is in because of the noisy people outside, the work projects he is doing is good.

So i have been calling him every couple of days. I called him today and he was ok, then asked me what i was doing tonight, and i was just staying in watching a film. I said that i had gone out yesterday with a friend and two of his long time friends, who i do know, and live away from the area, came and said hello. We had a good chat and they said they hadnt heard from him for a good while, 18mths at least. So i told them to call him, made sure they had his number, and they said they would and we could arrange a night out during the summer when they were visiting again. I relayed what they had said to him and he just said, no they wont call. Hopefully they will.

So i left that conversation and went on to what i had been doing today and he just said, ‘im not interested in what you have done in your own time, im just interested in what we do, and at the moment that is not a lot.’ Again mentioned the not having a home together.

We havent done a lot together lately because he has been working most of the last four weeks. Anytime i have suggested anything, he just wants to sit in the pub, which is fine sometimes, but i think we need to do other things. I mentioned that we could do things when he comes home next and also continue with his house tidying. He didnt seem so enthusiastic about the house tidying, and probably doesnt trust me that i will help him but we have been trying to do this for the last six years, and it still is a mess.  Also i have learnt that unless he asks me what i have been up to, that he is not interested in hearing it. So we left the conversation on a good note anyway, but he is making it slightly difficult to know what to talk about.

[Harri]

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