My husband (more than likely) has BPD and I don't know what to do

[lainie02]

Hello. I've been reading this site and the boards for a few days and finally feel brave enough to post. My husband has most (if not all) the BPD signs mentioned. He had lots of childhood trauma - dad beat him and his mom, divorced parents at 3, single mom, lived in poverty, childhood friend committed suicide (when H was five), then his grandfather committed suicide (when H was 11). Plus more.

Now, we've been together for 22 years, married for 17. He's had the warning signs for that entire time. He's controlling, jealous, angry. But it's gotten much worse in the last two months. He quit his job six weeks ago but he still talks about work all the time and how they didn't respect him. Everyone is crazy, not him. I can't do anything right. He will rant and rave over any little thing. My parents (who are wonderful, nice, loving people) came over to visit yesterday. He was OK during the visit, but afterward kept asking "why did your parents come over? Did they want to check up on you? They never want to talk to me..." etc..etc.. Everything anyone does is suspicious.

It really hit me how much everything is about HIM on my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I was turning a "certain" age, and my mom and sister and niece surprised me at my school (I'm a teacher) with cake and ice cream for all the teachers and a poster with pictures of me from baby to now. It was such a nice surprise! I text my husband pictures of it and tell him how excited I was and this is his reply "good way to sneak around me. have fun". I had a sick pit in my stomach for the rest of the day. When I got home, he was so angry. He felt like they should have called and asked him if they could surprise me at school! I don't think he ever even said happy birthday to me. It's like I was getting attention so he had to get mad so I would feel bad again.

I feel like I am totally alone. I can't tell my family or (the few) friends I have because I don't want them to think badly of my husband. Plus, he would be so mad if he found out. He's in a bad state right now, even talking about killing himself. I don't think he is serious about that, but he is in a depression. I don't know when he will go back to work.

Today he got mad at me for walking too hard on the floor and shaking the room (I weigh 120 lbs). Also, anytime I disagree with him, he thinks I'm calling him a liar. He puts all these motives on what I say and when I try to say "No, that's not what I think", he gets mad at me for calling him a liar by saying no to what he says! He's said (multiple times) that it's only what he thinks that matters! How can I deal with that level of thinking?

I'm sorry I've been rambling. And believe me, this is only a tiny bit of what he's done, even in the past two months. I guess I need to know if this sounds like BPD and what I can do about it. He doesn't want to get on anti-depressants or go see a counselor. He already takes Xanax for anxiety (has for several years).

Thanks for listening.

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.

No one here can say if your husband has BPD or not but it does sound like he has some difficult behaviors.  Regardless, you are in a good place to get support, understanding and to talk with others who can relate.  You said your husband does not want meds or therapy.  that is unfortunate but something we hear a lot here.  The other good news is that you can learn ways to respond that can help significantly improve things for you.  We have seen several really bad situations turn around.

Can you think of what caused his behavior to worsen so much in the last two months?  You mentioned he quit his job... what happened there?  Was he upset before then?  Sorry for all the questions.  I am just trying to get a better idea of your situation. 
 

He's said (multiple times) that it's only what he thinks that matters! How can I deal with that level of thinking?

I can see where this is frustrating and upsetting.  Can you give us an example conversation with some detail so we can see what is going on and work from there?  We might be able to make some suggestions for what you can do on your end.

What do you say when he talks about suicide?  Is this a recent thing or has he mentioned it in the past?  I can give you a resource that can help you figure out how you want to respond to hiim when he brings up suicide:  SUICIDE IDEATION EMERGENCY PROTOCOL  Read everything but I am thinking of the bottom section of the article titled "If you are helping someone with suicidal thoughts".   Mostly though, realize that what you can do to help is limited and that getting him help may be the only thing you can do.  Saying "I really care about you. I just don't have the skills to help you when you feel like killing yourself. If you say you are going to kill yourself, I will take you take you to the emergency  department" might help.  It shows you care and are taking his comments seriously. 

I hope to hear more from you.