Wanting to break no contact. Post here first.

[WhoMe51]

I haven’t been on here in a while. I broke up with my ex BPD girlfriend in early January. I haven’t spoken to her since. She sent a few emails but I never responded. I’ve been dating but nothing serious. And lately I’ve been thinking about my ex. I have been wondering what she’s doing or how she’s doing? My therapist told me not to contact her. When we broke up, nothing bad was going on between us. She was just constantly sad and depressed because she said she was aware of how she treated me in the past. I constantly reassured her that it was ok and that it was in the past. But she wouldn’t let it go. She just kept saying how bad she felt. At the same time I was selling my house and transferring to another city. She and I were supposed to go together. And I couldn’t keep up with all the things I had to do plus keep reassuring her that I loved her and everything was going to be okay. Everything was such an emotional drain. Now I am by myself in a new house. I’m working in a new city. And she and I aren’t together like we had talked about. A part of me wants to reach out to her, but another part of me doesn’t. I’m just conflicted on what to do. I know you can’t tell me what to do but I would appreciate your insight.

[once removed]

it sounds like the two of you were more or less on good terms, do i have that right?

what would you want to say?

[WhoMe51]

I have waited to post my reply until now. I wanted to sit with my feelings and try to figure out why I wanted to break no contact. When I made this post, I was feeling extremely lonely and I wanted to reach out to her in hopes that the pain would stop. I realized that it would be easy to go back. But I also know that if the relationship started back, I would be here again. I have to keep going forward. And any contact with her will keep me stuck in wishing for a better relationship. I loved her with everything I had. And I believe that deep down she loved me the best she could. But her fears of abandonment would keep her from getting too close. Every time we shared a close moment, she would start a fight or ghost me in order to feel better. I wished things could be different. I miss the good times we shared. But I don’t want to live the bad times over again.

[Lucky Jim]

I miss the good times we shared. But I don’t want to live the bad times over again.

You put that really well, WhoMe51.  Most of us who have recycled, and that includes me, find ourselves back in the same place, except farther down the line with more pain.  Agree that one has to keep going forward to avoid the same result.

LJ

[once removed]

it sounds like you thought this one through. whether one reaches out or not, its good to thoroughly check our motivations first. it sounds like you make the hard choice.

how you feeling now?

[WhoMe51]

Once removed,

To be honest I struggle everyday not to reach out to her. I long to be near her. I want to talk to her and tell I’m sorry that I could not  give her the reassurance that she needed. I was so emotionally drained with selling my house and transferring in my job that I couldn’t give anything else. She kept asking me if she was really the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I told her yes each time she asked except the last time. We somehow got into an argument and now we are separated. So the move was supposed to be for the two of us. I’m glad I transferred in my job because I’m really enjoying my work and the people I work with now. But I’m in this new place alone. I’ve made some new friends. I’ve been out on a couple of dates. I go to the gym 3 times a week. But I still miss her. So to answer your question about how I feel? I feel as if I lost a part of me and I can’t get it back.

[Sandb2015]

WhoMe51,

This is such a reoccurring theme regarding what we could have done or should have done.  Please be fair to yourself, loss is terrible and it sounds like you're taking a lot of the responsibility, that's just not fair to do to yourself.

If you were more "perfect" would things be better, no loss? Take responsibly for your parts, not the whole, it is a two way street in a rs with two somewhat emotionally healthy people.

I think when we are in a rs with a pwBPD, we have to do extra and whether it is worth it or not is truly on the non.  They need to do their part even with limitations.

Missing is one thing, regretting not being able to "fix", "keep afloat" is another.

Be a little kinder to yourself.

[WhoMe51]

Sand,

I know that I tend to take on more responsibility than I should for the end of the relationship. I was so used to giving more emotionally than I should have. So it would make sense to shoulder more of the fault at our breakup. I just wished I would have reacted differently than I did. Would we still be here if I did react differently? Who knows? I kept telling her that I loved her and I wanted her in my life forever. It was something that she couldn’t accept because she said she was aware of all the”bad” things she had done to me. I told her that those things were in the past and now we could have a brand new start with this move. It seemed that she became even more depressed and sad as we got closer to finding a house. I had such a hard time holding it together and doing all the stuff that needed to be done.

[Sandb2015]

 WhoMe51,

Wondering is fine if it's done with a strong base to stand on which it seems you have, Ruminating about the "ifs" is probably not.

You sound clear on things and the reason you didn't return the emails is a decision you made, revisit those reasons, if only to solidify the big picture.

If you feel a little guilt, I think it's natural when you miss someone, regarding the role we played in the rs.

You sound expressive, keep writing and exploring how you feel, it's a great thing.

[WhoMe51]

I was going through my voicemails yesterday morning  and I came across one from a month ago that my ex left. I didn’t know that she had even reached out and left the message. In the message she said she loved me and missed me. I felt sad that I had just shut her out of my life. I decided to reach out to her and tell her that I missed her too. Bad idea. I had this thought in my head that she would be glad to hear from me. Wrong! I called and left a voicemail. I told her that I hoped she was doing better and I was sorry for how things had went. I felt it was a good starting place. I had this fantasy in my head that she was going to be glad I called. That was so far from the truth. She called me back and I realized in the first few words that she was taking up where we left off two months ago. Nothing has changed. I didn’t argue with her. I didn’t defend myself. I listened. I apologized for the things I did wrong and told her that the blame is not all on me. I’m trying so hard today to not feel bad about contacting her. I feel very foolish. I have to keep moving forward. I can’t let this bring me down. I have to practice mindfulness and stop believing in a fairytale. She is who she is and I can’t be a part of it anymore.

[Sandb2015]

You aren’t foolish.

You did what you wanted, you aren’t a fool by any means, you are normal and a feeling person.

We do keep the faith at our own expense, usually at our own, that’s fine, feel who you are, embrace the crappie emotion, it’s a reaction to someone else.

Sometimes we hear what we do and they go deep inside and our hearts and soul feel the need to react, you did and that makes you human, the pain you received in return is always a surprise...not really...our reactions can be controlled when we dare put everything in perspective.

So many of us here have been in your shoes.

I’m sorry you experienced this.

[WhoMe51]

Sandb2015,

Thank you for your words of kindness. I’m glad I contacted her. Even though it didn’t turn out like I wanted it to. I now know the truth and I can move on without wondering? There is no going back. As I sat and listened to her tell me what a bad person she thought I was, I realized that she never says anything kind about me. It’s always negative. She can text nice things to me or leave voicemails that are good, but she can never say anything to me that’s positive. I am not the man that she says I am. I’m not for sure who she was describing. Maybe herself, who knows? She texted me last night around 10 and told me she was sorry. She didn’t say for what. I didn’t respond because there’s really nothing for me to say to her.