Teen daughter with BPD arrested and going to juvenile detention for at least 6 m

[Tazzer4000]

Hi everyone!

So I'm fairly new here. The day after I found this site and made my first post my teen dBPD got herself arrested at school. Apparently she had gotten a bottle of Xanax from a friend. When on the bus she decided she didn't want them and gave them to a different friend who then passed them out at school. When the principal confronted her she admitted to it and he found she was drinking alcohol which she had in a water bottle. They arrested her, charged her with possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute on protected property and possession of alcohol by a minor.

We have been trying for years to get her intensive help. We have been met with resistance at every turn. We have done everything we could to prevent this exact type of situation and yet here we are. They have sentenced her to a juvenile detention center for a minimum of 6 months. Even though before this they had all agreed she should be in a residential treatment facility. Now they claim this is best because she is still refusing to accept responsibility for her actions.

We are devastated. I don't know what to do to really help her. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. If any other parent has been here, would love to hear from you as well.

Thanks to everyone for being here and offering support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Tazzer4000

I'm so sorry your daughter has been sent to a juvenile detention center rather than to residential treatment. I don't have experience with this, sorry, but wanted you to know I read your post. In another post you said your D waived her right to an attorney - does that mean there was a trial and she acted as her own lawyer?

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be very draining.

~ OH

[Tazzer4000]

Thanks for responding.  Yes, essentially she waived her right to an attorney and pled guilty to the charges. This is one of my greatest fears for her come true. And I'm not optimistic that she's going to have some kind of realization about her behaviors while she's in there. I'm waiting for her to find a way to blame it on me.

The sad thing is my other 2 daughters are finally able to breathe and relax without her at home. It's been years since we've been able to just sit, relax and enjoy each other's company.

[Only Human]

Thanks for clarifying, Tazzer. Has she begun her sentence? Will you have any type of contact with her during this time?

I've found a Workshop in our Community Built Knowledge Base that you may find useful:

3.05 | What to do if your child is arrested

Here's an excerpt:

People make mistakes. Young people make lots of mistakes. Young people wBPD make more. Some mistakes are more serious than others. Even if your child has been guilty of a crime it doesn't mean they are going to be a criminal for the rest of their life. They need the help and assistance sometimes only a parent can provide.

I don't know what to do to really help her. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated

I encourage you to read/learn all you can about BPD, and how you can best support your D through this. I trust the information here over anything else on the internet. The articles and workshops are top-notch. First and foremost, it is important that you take very good care of yourself. As they say, "Put your own oxygen mask on first."

my other 2 daughters are finally able to breathe and relax without her at home. It's been years since we've been able to just sit, relax and enjoy each other's company.

I'm glad you've been able to enjoy your other daughters and that they are able to breathe and relax.

Hang in there, Tazzer - you'll get through this. We are here with you, walking beside you and holding you up when you are not strong.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

I am sorry to hear that your daughter was arrested and convicted and is now in jail. It is not a pleasant experience to be sure but sometimes it is the turning point. This was the case with my nephew. Unlike my son who is xBPD, my nephew is autistic and an alcoholic/drug addict now thankfully in recovery. To make a long story short he attacked his mother in a drunken drugged up rage, got arrested and served three months in jail. It was not an easy time but he did quit using and drinking. When he got out he went to live in a sober house. Pretty soon he will be moving out into his own apartment. He will always be challenged by his autism but he has really turned his life around. So don't give up hope. Even though it is not residential treatment, there are counseling services in jail and it is possible to have a life changing moment of clarity while doing time. I hope that will happen for your daughter.

[Lollypop]

Hi Tazzer

I’m so very sorry to hear this. We can anticipate trouble so far in advance. Our kids don’t listen to us and behave impetuously. Yes, they are vulnerable.

Your fear has come true. That doesn’t mean though, that your next fear will. We really don’t know the future and life can truly spin on a dime.

Your daughter is now forced into a new situation and it’ll take her some time to adjust. Underneath she must be feeling scared.

So stay strong for her and your other children. If you can try and detach from your daughters problems that she’ll face in the centre and be wisemind. She’ll be learning from her mistakes and it may take some time for her to move forwards positively.

For us, son was 24 before his real growing started. This was because I kept saving and not allowing him to suffer the consequences of his actions. He didn’t get dx until then. I kept reacting making things worse. I lost 9 years of opportunity.

Your daughter will become more resilient and she’s got you to walk beside her while she experiences a tough reality. I know it may be difficult to look at this positively, but in crisis there is change and opportunity. Maybe she’ll see it.

The silver lining is the relief and headspace your family gets. Have no guilt. Use it and enjoy it. Time to arm yourself up with some skills and techniques. That’s what I’d do anyway.

How often will you visit?

LP

[Tazzer4000]

I can visit every Saturday from 1-4 PM. 5 minute phone calls on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Her 16th birthday was March 28. We all went to visit on March 30. Brought cake, soda, food, and gifts. She seemed appreciative and has been saying she misses all of us and wants to come home. However, I've been on the receiving end of this before and I know she believes it right now but I'd she came home it wouldn't be a week before we were back to where we started. She still refuses to take responsibility for her actions and behavior and until she does, I've been told she will not get better. Thanks for the response.

[Lollypop]

Hi Tazzer

She seemed appreciative and has been saying she misses all of us and wants to come home.

I’m sure she does miss you. She’s young and this is a big deal for her. It sounds like she was really pleased with your thoughtfulness to try and make her day special.

However, I've been on the receiving end of this before and I know she believes it right now but I'd she came home it wouldn't be a week before we were back to where we started. ]

You could be right. You can’t change your daughter. She learns by making mistakes and she’s got plenty of time to reflect on her actions. The only thing you’re in control of is yourself and how you interact with her.

She still refuses to take responsibility for her actions and behavior and until she does, I've been told she will not get better

I kept reacting to my son in his teenage years. I kept fixing his problems. Both delayed his personal growth. He’d only tell me what he knew I wanted to hear. He didn’t tell me the truth because he knew I’d react.

Perhaps it’s too early to expect her to fully understand the consequences of her actions. She must  be feeling pretty emotional and it’s difficult to think straight. She’s now forced to spend time there and maybe she won’t be sorry until she’s out. Maybe she won’t be sorry until she’s emotionally matured.

My son doesn’t seek treatment. He has got better (not fixed, but improved) by making mistakes, suffering the consequences, problem solving AND feeling emotionally supported and not judged. Being accepted, feeling loved and better understood regardless of his bad choices.

Having a better relationship by me learning better interaction skills has vastly improved our family life, despite the problems.

You’ve got time now to lick your wounds (as your daughter does) and get yourself powered up with the skill set you need. Your daughter is only 16 and there’s a few years yet for her to become an adult (not in years, but in personal development).  For us, it was 24 - but I hindered his growth so I truly believe it’s possible to get where you need to be in the early 20s. There’s no quick fix. It’s baby steps.

Would you believe your daughter if she said she was sorry? Do you think you can get through this without expecting her to say sorry?  She may say sorry eventually on her own volition.

That’s my thoughts. I’ve no idea if they’ll help. If I’ve got this wrong then please say so I understand better.

I really admire you and the way your handling this. It seems so harsh to me but I’m in the uk and it’s very different.

LP

[Tazzer4000]

I appreciate your response. It seems harsh to me as well. If we had not exhausted every available resource - individual counseling for her, family counseling,  intensive in home support services for the family, intensive outpatient services for her, in patient psychiatric treatment - over the course of 4 years, only to see her behavior become more out of control, more manipulative, and more aggressive I would not have been able to do this. However, even as we worked to be more consistent and calm she became more emotional abusive and physically aggressive.  This was the last thing I wanted for her but she has to be held accountable for her choices.  Since she refused to cooperate with our attempts to help her and consistently violated the law, the state is now holding her accountable.  If I intervene, it will make things worse and she could very well end up in jail as an adult which we definitely do not want. They call it tough love here. I'm not sure who it is tougher on as I know I've spent many nights in tears. I truly want her to get to a place where she begins to take responsibility for her actions and starts realizing that she needs help and we have been trying to get it for her but we can't do the therapy work for her. Thanks again.

[FaithHopeLove]

Yes it is tough, Tazzer. I felt the same way when I finally threw my 24 year old son out of the house over a year ago. Watching our beloved children suffer the consequences of their choices without trying to rescue or enable them is hard. But it is necessary. You are doing the right thing.

[Tazzer4000]

Yes it is tough, Tazzer. I felt the same way when I finally threw my 24 year old son out of the house over a year ago. Watching our beloved children suffer the consequences of their choices without trying to rescue or enable them is hard. But it is necessary. You are doing the right thing.

Thank you. It feels so wrong, but logically I know it's the right thing to do. I also know if her behaviors do not get better by 18, she will have to leave because no one in our home deserves to be treated the way she treats us. Even thinking that is hard but its true.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mirsa]

Hi Tazzer,

This may be a blessing in disguise, as some others suggest.  She may be able to realize that she is the common denominator to the craziness of her life.  Of course, being BPD, she may not.  My DD was a hot mess at age 16.  She is still BPD now, but high-functioning.  She can hold a job, be social, and is finishing HS at age 18.  She's not able to maintain friendships, family relationships, and has a high-intensity dramatic relationship with her boyfriend.  But, as her brain developed between 16 and 18, she was able to make better decisions regarding drugs, alcohol, etc.  Of course, dating a tee-totaler helped her take that final step into sobriety.  She still lies and manipulates, is completely self-centered and self-involved and lacks empathy.  So, as you say, those with personality disorders don't change in some ways, but I do think they can become more stable in other ways.

Enjoy the six month reprieve and hope that her brain and attitude mature a bit while she's in there. 

Namaste

[Tazzer4000]

Thanks Marissa. I'm hoping that she will do some growing up while in detention but haven't seen any signs of that yet. In fact, during our visit this Saturday she threatened to kill me if I restrain her again. She also informed me that it is my fault she is in detention. Still not clear how that works but not unexpected. I'm not sure how much of a relationship will be left if she doesn't stop blaming me for all her problems. I'm not willing to be verbally and emotionally abused by this kid forever. Neither I nor the rest of my family deserve the treatment she has given us. Right now, I'm taking a wait and see approach.  No expectations. Thanks again to everyone who has offered words of wisdom.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Tazzer. Thanks for keeping us updated on your daughter's situation, including her response to being restrained. Sometimes when a person is first told a firm NO to something they used to get away with their initial reaction is very explosive and their behavior gets worse before it gets better. Psychologists call this an extinction burst. Have you heard that term before? Here is some information you may find interesting. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

[Gorges]

Hi,
I am very sorry that this is happening.  I found the teenage years to be the worst.  As they say, small kids, small problems, big kids, big problems.  The punishment for drinking and drug use is harsher than I have knowledge of.  But, maybe this is for the best.  I think that at this point, you should just take this as a time to take care of yourself.  By this age, you have very little control of the outcome for your child.  Focus on your other two children, try to find some joy in your life.  Let your daughter know that you love her but you have boundaries and expectations.  Even though this punishment is shockingly harsh, I would not rescue her.   That could set up a bad habit that will continue.  My daughter also got in trouble in high school (a fight) and had to go to court.  We did hire a lawyer (despite my daughter's brattiness and lack of gratitude) because the law just seemed too complicated for a 17 year old to figure out.   My daughter has continued to struggle but be somewhat high functioning.  Her life has been a series of complicated set backs and I have steadily detached from her emotionally.

One thing is that my daughter has had a resentment over our calling the police on her when she was a teenager.  We called the police when she threatened us.  In all honesty, I have no problem with this and I defended this to her. Everyone has a right to feel safe in their own home.  I think if your daughter is threatening to kill you, a detention or treatment center is the best place for her to be. 

Again, I am sorry and have no answers except to try and get to a point of "radical acceptance".  This does not mean that you do not have hope, it is just that you give up on the expectation that you fix your daughter.  You love her, pray and hope for her, but only she alone can do the fixing.

[Tazzer4000]

Thanks Gorges. I'm slowly getting to that place. We have had to call the police on her so many times its unreal. It's always either her running off (because how dare we enforce the no phone punishment) or because she is getting physical and will not calm down, only escalate. Nothing would calm her down, not even walking away. She would get even angrier and take it out on who ever was left. And juvenile in our state is specifically designed for rehabilitation.  She isn't kept in a cell. It's more of a dormitory setting. They have individual therapy, group therapy, art therapy, and when she gets further along we will be doing family therapy as well. She goes to school and when she reaches higher levels they do outings to the theater, the zoo, bbq, pools. It takes TON of screw ups to get in juvenile here. She hit me with a phone once and they did nothing but threaten her with it.  Threats don't work on her. It took 6 more months of verbal and physical agression and running away multiple times to get her on full probation.  It took her giving drugs to someone on school grounds and drinking at school to get her here. I don't feel bad for calling the police. She was out of control and refusing to act appropriately. We were living in fear. We put chain locks on our bedroom doors. I went so far as to buy a taser in case she grabbed a knife and tried to hurt herself or her sisters. No one should live that way. Thanks to every who has responded and offered help, advice, and words of wisdom.  It is much appreciated.