She wants to meet up

[Longterm]

So ye, my ex emailed me yesterday asking me to meet up and talk.  A user asked me to post if I was thinking of responding. I have just woken up to another email.

This has taken a lot for me to ask you and message you. Honestly I don't know i think I miss you and would like to see you.

Thoughts?

[once removed]

what do you want to do?

[MeandThee29]

If you think you might reconcile, you could of course meet to see how she is doing. Keep in mind that one meeting is just one meeting. It can all unravel again down the road.

If you are firm that reconciliation isn't in the cards or if she refused conditions you may have set, meeting may not accomplish anything. You also have to evaluate how resolute you are.

Mine refuses my terms of reconciliation which include counselling and accountability, so I don't see any reason personally to meet. He intends to file for divorce, so relationship discussions are over for me. He tried to engage in such talk not long ago, and I refused.

It just depends on where you are right now.

[Longterm]

I think I just sealed my own fate. As I posted yesterday, it always goes the same way and this time was no exception.

I pushed her last week for a divorce because I have just had enough of the whole situation. It was obvious what she was after because she mailed again stating she missed me. I think she wants to meet up to see how she feels after seeing me. Well screw that, I'm her husband ffs, not an option. Her is the last email I sent her.

When you began messaging me you never mentioned friendship once, tell me I'm lying?


You said you missed me and wanted to meet up.


I told you it was inappropriate.


Criticism is something you cannot accept so you went immediately on the defensive.


Missing me instantly turned into wanting friendship.


You then went into butter wouldn't melt mode and attempted to gain sympathy by telling me how things are hard for you right now and I am causing you problems.


Even at the last message you tried to make me believe I just lost something because YOU won't be trying again.


You have lost control of me, accept it and remember next time you attempt communication with me that I will not easily be manipulated.


The conversation is closed.

I think I did very well, I felt like I was assertive and to the point.

[once removed]

I think I did very well, I felt like I was assertive and to the point.

being assertive in this case in a time like right now is probably more about actions than words.

if you want her back, this is emotionally charged, accusatory, and defensive in response to a person that was trying to set up a meeting.

I think I just sealed my own fate

but if you want to end the relationship, dont blow things up/sabotage it. make the hard choices, and take the steps to end the relationship.

bottom line, dont wing it. choose a path, commit to it, take the steps that it takes.

[Longterm]

I mean is there a right thing to say or do in this situation?

She tried to accuse me of threatening her which I did not, then accused me of causing her stress. I mean fgs you have just destroyed everybody's life and want sympathy because you are having to face the consequences of your actions.

I want my divorce, she has done nothing wrong and sits there like a child asking why does nobody like me? You just can't work with that. I will get my divorce and that will be my fault too.

[once removed]

she expressed that she missed you and would like to see you. for anyone, especially someone with BPD traits, thats really sticking your neck on the line.

i think that most people would be a little defensive if their spouse responded that the notion was inappropriate. its simple enough to politely decline.

if you want her back, i would think meeting up would be the right thing to do...and if you want to divorce and/or dont want to meet up with her, politely decline. arguing with her about it is neither productive nor constructive.

more than that, teaching her a lesson is probably not the way you ultimately want to go, here. maybe it is right now, but a year from now, five years from now, you may regret that. think carefully. none of this is easy, but if you want to divorce, dont throw fuel on the fire; release with grace.

[Mutt]

sits there like a child asking why does nobody like me?

I know that this is probably really distressing for you right now but I just wanted to say BPD is emotional arrested development of a child that is around the age of 2-3.

I'm not defending her I'm just stating what is fact about BPD and even though someone is mentally ill it's not an excuse, a mentally ill person still has an obligation to take care of themselves.

I will get my divorce and that will be my fault too.

You've seen the pattern for 20 years - she's blamed you for everything because that is a part of the disorder. I'd recommend to read as much as you can about BPD to eventually be able to look past the behaviours and understand why she acts the way that she does. Then you can work on depersonalizing the behaviours - all of this takes time but they can be goals that you can work towards to.

I agree with once removed bringing things up about what the other person does or bringing up the same issues again is not going to start sending things in the right direction. Change needs to happen for change in the r/s or in your life in general.

There are several causes that led to the breakdown of r/s between the two of you - a r/s takes two people. Two equal parts.

Can you think of reasons why?

[Longterm]

Thanks for the replies guys on what has been another fairly emotional night.

I know the part I played, everybody does, even the exaggerated versions.

I am angry, she upset my son again last night and it really bothered me. Her mom has today took her to one side and told her to just leave us all alone and she needs to concentrate on getting better. I think maybe that's why I failed to see her reaching out in a positive way.

I just emailed her again explaining that I understood it took a lot for her to reach out and that I understand her pain and suffering but the facts remain that she is my wife and she lives with somebody else, is still using drugs etc and has done very little about the situation as a whole.
I told her I loved her but I feel as though I need to save myself.
I'm going to divorce her as soon as possible and concentrate on me and the kids.

[Mutt]

I'm going to divorce her as soon as possible and concentrate on me and the kids.

That's a good plan. You want to eventually be in tip top shape for the kids. I know that you probably have a lot of anger and it's warranted but if you direct that to your ex do you think that she would validate how you feel? In my opinion it doesn't help the distress that you feel, you want to feel better eventually for your kids, and it will make you feel emotionally exhausted.

Like I said you have the right idea but the get to a place where you feel better, stronger and healthier it's going to help to disengage from your ex. If your plan is to divorce her then start the legal proceedings focus on that and on taking care of yourself. That doesn't mean that you're supposed to feel the way that you feel, your ex can't give you what you need, I suggest to start discussions on your feelings because the members will listen. Also talk to your counselor about it but if you go to the ex it's not going to make things better for both of you.

[Longterm]

This is what's frustrating because I was in a much better place when in strict NC, the effect she has around her is devastating and I have felt myself the past few months going back to darker days and I don't want to go back there.

No, she would not validate my feelings, it is not in Her, her empathy is not existent and that is one of her biggest barriers right now. It is crystal clear to me that she is very confused and does not have the tools to fix the damage she has done, I don't think she understands that people are upset here, she probably knows people are not happy with her but she just doesn't get it.

The loss of a family, it is just tragic, that's the word that springs to mind.

She is cut off as of now, I just can't deal with it, it is soul destroying, upsetting and very emotionally distressing.

What do you mean in regards to starting discussions about my feelings?

I won't be talking to a counsellor any time soon, they left a voicemail earlier and said waiting times are several months. I may look privately. I think right now the important thing is just zero contact while I just compose myself.

Thanks.

[Mutt]

Hi Longterm,

I hear you on the after effects a pwBPD has with r/s’s a part of BPD is chaotic r/s’s and you’re right she won’t be able to repair a r/s like you could. You’re on two completely different playing fields she doesn’t understand r/s’s.

I don’t specifically mean feelings maybe I could have worded that better start discussions here in experiences that you had, holidays, road trips, family gatherings, family members, situations in public etc any experience that you had with her where you couldn’t reason with her or make her understand your point of view and what’s wrong.

Ill share something I’d get separated often when I was with my ex and I’d stay at my sisters she was understanding and would let me stsy there for a week to a month. What really hurt me in real life is that I coukdnt convey my experience to the people to me. My ex would blame me for everything and my in-law and family thought that i must of done something wrong to deserve treatment like my ex gave me. It’s a very hard place to be but by sharing that with people here it was validated because I felt like I was finally heard.

Maybe don’t go all of the way to NC first maybe go to controlled contact think of things that you don’t want to discuss and just discuss things about just the kids for example.

[Longterm]

The thing that strikes me is that she has not said sorry to anybody. The most anybody has gotten out of her is "I know I've f***d everything up". Most people would say something like "i'm sorry for what I Did, it was wrong and I'm going to make it up to you". That's genuine remorse and I just believe it is not there. It's hard to explain, it's like she knows people are upset with her but she's not sorry in the slightest. That's how I see it. Earlier when she emailed she was at her mom's and her mom mentioned that her bf might have an issue with her messaging me, her reply "I don't have to tell him everything" it's like she feels entitled to message her ex, say I miss you can we meet up and not tell her current bf? That's one of the things that got her where she is, I don't know how to comprehend.

Oh I have many instances where she couldn't see my point of view, many.

I hear you in regards to family, my mom and step dad loved her to bits to the point where if we broke up and i told my parents, they always said "what have you done now?" Pure frustration

[Longterm]

I want to add a little about what you said about being on different playing fields with r/s. It's probably the best way I've heard it described. Whenever I got the "I'm not happy" speech, it was always directed towards ME and what I needed to change. Like a lost little lamb I always did as I was told to keep the r/s. I could voice my opinion on her shortcomings and she would just stare into space and often start yawning, many times I said "am I boring You?" And she would just brush it off but when you step back and observe I was discussing huge things that involved a lot of lives and she didn't care? As I previously said, it was all about her and whenever we split it was always me that needed to change and if I put my foot down she would turn on the waterworks and say she would work on things. I understand now that at any point she could of latched onto another and done this. The new guy was literally the first that looked her way.

I will create a new thread tomorrow to discuss my experiences, there are many to choose from, sad but true.

[MeandThee29]

The thing that strikes me is that she has not said sorry to anybody. The most anybody has gotten out of her is "I know I've f***d everything up". Most people would say something like "i'm sorry for what I Did, it was wrong and I'm going to make it up to you". That's genuine remorse and I just believe it is not there. It's hard to explain, it's like she knows people are upset with her but she's not sorry in the slightest. That's how I see it. Earlier when she emailed she was at her mom's and her mom mentioned that her bf might have an issue with her messaging me, her reply "I don't have to tell him everything" it's like she feels entitled to message her ex, say I miss you can we meet up and not tell her current bf? That's one of the things that got her where she is, I don't know how to comprehend.

Oh I have many instances where she couldn't see my point of view, many.

I hear you in regards to family, my mom and step dad loved her to bits to the point where if we broke up and i told my parents, they always said "what have you done now?" Pure frustration

This is key. There's a difference between "I'm in a bad place" and "I destroyed things I cared about and had responsibility for."

You can't meet them in the middle. Of course we contributed and stumbled and fell. But the depth of issues on their side means we can't really work with them.

It's sad. I know.

[Longterm]

Oh I hear you believe me.

I remember last time this happened. I was sat in my shed with her talking and I said to her What the heck happened? One minute we are "ok" and then you just completely turned on me.
She said I don't know, I'm fc**d up and I don't know what is wrong with me, I just hurt everybody around me, especially those closest to me.

Looking back, the answer was right in front of me.

For about 2 weeks I was god, I could not do any wrong.

I have been Lucifer ever since.

You are right, it is sad.

[Longterm]

She has said quite a few times "I'm in a really bad place right now" when asked by people to explain herself.

She cannot do both.