Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:40:13 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Discarded and confused.  (Read 714 times)
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« on: March 20, 2019, 10:11:29 AM »

I have been doing a lot of research since I was discarded by my ex girlfriend 11 weeks ago and I am still deeply hurt by the experience. Hoping to hear from people with past experience and if she displays the BPD or NPD attributes I think add up or if I was in fact just left by a woman who lost all interest in me very quickly.

I am 44 and have never been married so I have dated many women. Most ended mutually and respectfully while a few ended due to an argument. My mind and all of my friends and family are extremely confused by how hard this break-up has hit me, especially since our relationship only lasted 4 months. I recently came across literature on BPD and NPD and my jaw dropped as it felt like I was reading my own story. I cannot even comprehend how much pain other members on here must have experienced in longer term relationships before being discarded but I am hoping that sharing my story will bring me feedback on how to heal from this experience.

I met this woman online in September. We connected immediately, she was an amazing communicator and I found her incredibly interesting. Over the next two-and-a-half months I found her to be the least selfish woman I had ever met and I fell in love with her quickly. She texted me 50 times a day. She brought me gifts every single time she came to see me which made me a little uncomfortable at first. Ice cream, pizza, thanksgiving dinner, etc. I got the flu during our first month together and she brought me medicine to work and orange juice. She told me things I had never heard before except in movies. She was so lucky to find me, where did i come from, she wanted to build a future with me, she asked if I wanted to have kids eventually. She insisted I get an STD test and I was fine with that. She told me she thought she was pregnant for a few days when she was away on a trip and when I asked if she was worried she said as calmly as can be that she was not and we would have dealt with it together. I honestly thought I was going to marry her eventually after that comment. I am 44 and she was 36 so this made me extremely happy that I had found someone to have a future and a family with before I got too old. There were a few things I found odd but I was by no means going to be judgmental. She had a lot of anxiety and was constantly unable to handle criticism. She went into a rage for an entire day because someone honked at her. She had a fight with her cousin at work and went on a 10 minute f-bomb rant when she came to see me and asked if we could find a hit man to kill him. I thought it was just an over the top joke but now I look back and see that it was narcissistic rage. She would talk to strangers anywhere she went and had this bizarre way of being unable to focus on more than one person. I would be completely ignored until she finished the conversation. When I introduced her to my mom she didn't even talk to me the entire hour because she was focused on my mom and wanted her approval. she told my mom she was skinny when my mom had gained a lot of weight recently and we found that comment strange.

Her family is very wealthy and she has just started working for their family business. They paid for her to not work for 14 years and live abroad while getting her PHD. She still lives at home and volunteers and goes to church because she says it makes her feel like a good person. When I first met her she was embarrassed to admit these things, but as month 3 began I started to see less of her as she just wanted to spend most of her weekends with her family. She scolded me in public on multiple occasions not to embarrass her, once all I did was ask where we going for breakfast in the hotel lobby and she yelled at me. I went with her and my mom to the grocery store and she was quiet and moody the whole time. When we came home she yelled at me in front of my mom because she didn't want any birthday cake and I asked her to have some. Suddenly everything was a contradiction and I began to become very confused. She didn't want chocolate anymore because she said she was fat even though she was extremely fit. The first time I gave her gifts she loved them. Then she told me randomly she didn't like getting gifts because she doesn't like most things people give her and she has to pretend. She was no longer a fan of texting and emails. She didn't like flowers anymore, she didn't like holding hands in public, she didn't like music, one night she didn't like movies because she should be spending her time saving the world and the next night she wanted to watch movies again. She only liked drinking shakes she made at home all of a sudden. I asked her if she would make me a watermelon shake twice and she ignored me completely even though she couldn't stop bringing me things in the beginning. She stayed overnight at my house only once and twice on overnight trips but lied to her parents all 3 times that she was with a friend because she felt guilty about them knowing. I couldn't get her to to stay overnight at my house more then the one time even though she asked me to buy coffee for her to have in the mornings and I bought her a special cup to leave here to drink from.

She kept telling me that I was old and during one of our overnight trips she said she was worried I would be too old when our kid was 20. Then she said she worried if I could support her when we got married if she didn't want to work anymore. I have a very good job and home but that bothered me greatly. I had serious performance anxiety that night in bed and she yelled at me. This was not the first time she had criticized something I did in bed. She was extremely cold the next 2 times we were intimate after that before our break-up and I still feel embarrassed by this. She complained that my clothes made me look old and my hairstyle. She had to babysit for 6 days and suddenly I was getting zero texts a day because she was so stressed. I had to text her at night to see how her day was. We went to mini-golf and she started smashing the ball when she had a bad game. She says she does this when things go bad. She was cancelling some of our dates 10 minutes before she was supposed to arrive. There was an extremely strange incident where she texted me in the morning and said she was bringing me homemade meatballs and then she didn't show up. She said she got busy at work and would bring them the next day. The next day I had to message her in the afternoon to find out what was going on. I said my friend was coming over and she could bring them after 7 that night. She said sounds like a plan an she will let me know what time she was coming and then didn't show up again. I asked what happened and she said she didn't come because my friend was there. I was furious about this but said nothing as Christmas was approaching. I bought her Christmas presents and the first thing she said was that we were not supposed to buy presents for each other and now she had to go buy me something. She made me wait until boxing day to give the presents to her because she said she didn't want to have her parents watch her open them and she would look like a jerk in front of them since she had nothing for me. I gave her the presents on boxing day and it was the last time I ever saw her. I had been walking on egg shells the entire month terrified that I was losing the girl I had fell in love with as she was a completely different person and I blamed myself. I thought she was losing interest in me, and I worried she held a grudge towards me for ruining our night away together with my poor performance. However, we still had plans to go to Vegas, she told my co-workers at my Christmas party she would see them next year and she asked me to bring movies over to watch with her parents the night before I was discarded, etc. So there were signs of the woman I fell for, but they were sporadic. She said she was spending New Years Eve with her friend who was a single mom and it was a tradition and I didn't say anything.

3 days after Christmas I asked her if she wanted me to go to a dinner event with her or if she wanted to come over after and I didn't hear from her until 10:30 at night. She wrote that she would see me the next day at 3 and we could go wherever I wanted. After a month of anxiety and not speaking up, I couldn't take it anymore and wrote her that I would like her to take 30 seconds to tell me when we don't have plans or if she is not coming so that I can make alternate plans instead of her leaving me hanging on a tree. I asked if she knew this was hurtful or if she didn't care. I also asked her why she didn't want to spend New Year's with her boyfriend and why she didn't even bother to talk to me about it, thinking it was ok for me to just stay home while she did whatever she wanted. I said this was not normal and like high school dating. She wrote back that I was out of line for expecting to spend New Year's Eve with her after only 4 months. This made no sense to me as we did Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she ignored me when I asked if we had plans because I was pressuring her and she already told me I couldn't go to that dinner event with her. That was not true. She also said New Years Eve was a reunion with 5 friends that they did annually. That was not the story she said before. 30 minutes before our date the next day she broke up with me on text saying things wouldn't work out and she couldn't see me. No further explanation. I sent her multiple messages trying to explain my message was not as confrontational as she though and she was overreacting. The next day I got a message that said she was sad because she had love and a connection with me but I should find someone to treat me better than her. This made me more confused. I got the silent treatment for 3 more weeks and reopened my internet dating account reluctantly. Then one morning she reopened her profile with all new pictures and had changed her age wants to under 40, said family and friends were of the out most importance and she wanted someone who was passionate about their job or an entrepreneur. I felt like this was all directed at me to insult me. She clicked on my profile so I would know she was back online and I was so hurt that I cried all day because I had just wanted to talk to her about the message I sent. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I saw her profile. I just wanted the chance to talk to her in person one time before we started looking for other people. She wrote me one final message saying she wanted to help me move forward and proceeded to confuse me even worse. She said she had made it clear communication was over and then she said she had tried to write me several times but my new messages were causing her to panic and stay silent. So a contradiction in the same sentence. She said the text I sent was a red flag we wouldn't last in the long term but I needed to respect her not to tell me what the red flag was. She also made sure to say she didn't like having to write me the message because she does not like email and hates wasting timing on writing messages. I tried to tell her that I was completely loyal and in love with her and that is the opposite of a red flag for a long term relationship. Everything I read and people I talk to says she was the red flag for New Year's Eve but she made me the bad guy. The complaint about not leaving me hanging all day when one simple message to let me know her plans is just common courtesy. Instead I believe she has me painted as being controlling, needy and confrontational. There was nothing wrong with what I said in that text but she went into a rage for being criticized and cut my head off. I never heard from her again. I tried multiple times to explain the message to dead silence.

I have been dealing with the grief of missing her and the withdrawal of never seeing or speaking to her again when I was addicted to it. The shock of how sudden this occurred, the guilt of triggering it with that text and the total rejection and feeling like she didn't value me at all with a text break-up and silent treatment. I came across the covert narcissist literature, and read how they get like this from being put on a pedestal and overvalued at a young age by their parents which has been and continues to be her whole fairy tale life. How they smash things in competition when they get upset, the complete inability to deal with criticism, and of course the idealiization/love bombing, devaluation, and discard with no closure. However there are lots of BPD traits as well. I was only the fourth guy she had ever dated, if I can believe her, but the other 3 ex's were 8, 2 and 1 years, plus she requires STD tests and she was very nervous when we met since she had just started internet dating. So I believe that I was only her fourth, but I was her shortest relationship which feels like a failure, when in reality I know I'm lucky more time was not wasted. When she reopened her dating profile after she left me there was only a week left on her membership and she didn't renew so she is already gone from the dating site. She has long stretches of not dating which seems to not fit the covert narcissist profile, however, she is so desperate for strangers to talk to and like her and spends so much time with her family that I think she gets her need for attention from that and would rather not date until someone fits her perfect profile. As confused as I am over why she left me, having another man is the only thing I am sure was not the reason, as I spent Christmas with her family and she would never have reopened her internet profile for a week if she had someone else. It doesn't matter anymore, although I still feel jealous the next guy will get her love bombing attention while I suffered for a month before being thrown away.

The hardest thing to forget, and I'm sure it's the problem for most people here is how happy she was to be with me for a few months and then compare it to how easily it was for her to never talk to me again. One of the things I was concluding while ruminating after discard and before I found the literature on cluster B personalities is that the entire relationship was based on how she felt. She spent my birthday with me and texted me thank you for making her feel important to spend my birthday together. I told that one to my mom and she thought it was very odd. It's my birthday but she is talking about her feelings. I want to give her Christmas presents and she says not to bring them because of how she will feel opening them in front of her parents. No concern for how I feel on the holiday. I had just sat down at the table with and met her family for the first time at her work Christmas party and she wanted to change tables and go sit with her co-workers because they didn't have a full table and she thought they would be mad at her. This bothered me greatly as I was finally getting to know her family and she wanted to pick me up and go sit somewhere else with no consideration at all about how I felt. Her mom actually told her to stop that and we stayed where we were.

It's been 11 weeks now since this happened and I still can't get it out of my mind. I still miss her and have problems concentrating. She has cut me off completely and will not respond to any message. I lost 30 pounds from stress and depression. Sometimes I get the shakes because I just want to write her and ask how her day was and beg her for forgiveness again. I can't believe how she was able to stop talking to me so easily overnight. I treated her with love, respect and kindness everyday and she discarded me over one message. I am a type A, independent person and I can't believe how this has affected me. I have no interest in the things I used to love, I am anxious and nervous about everything now.
Logged
Ozzie101
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1915



« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2019, 10:35:40 AM »

Hi Seekinganswers! Welcome to the BPD family! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm sorry for what brings you here but I'm glad you found us. You'll discover that this is a supportive group and that members here can relate to what you've experienced/are experiencing.

We can't diagnose, of course, but some of the things you mention do ring true with BPD (and possibly NPD). The identity issues (constantly changing her mind, attaching to strangers, obsessing over what people will think). The love bombing followed by painting black. The rage over minor things.

Break-ups are painful. Break-ups in a BPD relationship just have an extra layer of pain and complication. You're not alone. There are many members who are experiencing the same thing. I'd advise you to read and post in some other members' threads. You'll find some striking similarities.

I'd also recommend reading this article, if you haven't already: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

What you're describing of your own situation sounds very much like depression, which is very common for someone who's been love-bombed and then unceremoniously dumped. Just a question, have you seen a therapist? Many members find therapy very helpful in getting their heads straight and getting on firmer emotional ground.

Please keep posting! Talking things out really can help and we want to give support however we can.
Logged
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2019, 11:10:28 AM »

I went to the doctor because I was concerned about the weight loss and he did send me to a therapist for 3 sessions. To be honest it was good to talk and before I had even found any research on NPD or BPD she said right away that the girl was sick when I explained my story.  However, my friends have actually been the best resource to talk to. The one friend and I spent hours discussing the facts and coming up with at least some kind of explanation to how things could change so dramatically so quickly. My largest source of anxiety is not even that she broke up with me it was that she did it by text with very little explanation and then went permanent silent treatment. If we could have had a conversation I think the break-up would have not been so painful to me. All the time we spent together and to suddenly not be worth a few minutes to talk with, especially since I think she overreacted to the message I sent that caused the problem to begin with. I broke again and texted her yesterday trying to get some kind of conversation with her and still dead silence. So sad and unnecessary I think.
Logged
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2019, 11:17:28 AM »

I understand completely.

When me and my wife split I dropped down to 69kg, I was like a skeleton. I could go 5-6 days without eating.

My friend would not leave me alone until I started eating. Maybe try and get some good quality food down You, it can make a really big impact on your mood.

Hang in there.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Ozzie101
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1915



« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2019, 11:25:43 AM »

Longterm is right. Taking care of yourself is a priority. It's amazing what a difference eating and sleeping well can make. It's not easy at times, but it's worth it and so important.

I'm so glad you have friends to turn to.

I understand wanting that closure. That would make it easier. But the sad thing is, you're unlikely to get it. From the sounds of things, your ex is just not emotionally/mentally capable of behaving in a thoughtful, adult manner. The key to your getting better is in learning to accept that and make peace with it because the more you try to get a resolution from her, the longer you stay caught up in the spell. And you're still not likely to get what you want or need. Time really will heal so many things. Many other members, like Longterm, have been there and can offer support. I haven't been in your specific situation, but having been married to a pwBPD, I can definitely empathize. Keep reading and posting!
Logged
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2019, 12:05:25 PM »

I think after doing a lot of reading she has just as many Borderline Personality Disorder traits as NPD. She doesn't have 100% traits for either and it seems like she is more on the spectrum in between which can be confusing. She doesn't always have a new supply ready, she has gone months in between relationships. Her other 3 exes before me are not even in Canada as she lived abroad so there is no contact there. It sounds more like BPD when she leaves and there is never any chance of her thinking of coming back again. But she doesn't hurt herself or engage in risky activities at all. I was basically told I had to get an STD test when she was ready to become intimate. The end result is the same though for me, I fell in love with someone who was false and I'll never see her again.
Logged
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2019, 12:27:05 PM »

There could be self destructive behaviours that you have not seen, I'll give you a few examples.

I noticed my ex had started to make herself vomit a few times and I asked her what she was doing. She said she just felt unwell and had a bad stomach. I told her it's not healthy and she needs to stop. That was that right? Wrong, I found out she was doing it more regularly when I was at work but I didn't see it so I didn't think it was an issue, but it was.

About 8 Years ago I had a work accident and had multiple surgeries and was off work for a long time. I would have prescription meds my ex would order/collect for me. I only took pills if the pain really warranted it.
Anyway, one time I went to see the doc and just before I left he asked about pain management and I told him I didn't see the benefit of pills. He said I should be taking them daily. I reluctantly said ok, I'll have some more. He got on his computer and said he couldn't give me anymore because I had just had 100 a few weeks ago. I said, look doc I didn't order any pills and then I just stopped and we stared at each other. He said, when you get home hide any meds you have and tell your wife to come and see me.

The point I'm making is just because you don't see it, it doesn't mean it's not happening.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2019, 12:36:44 PM »

The first month we were together she drank lots of coke and loved chocolate, then all of sudden she stopped all junk food and would barely eat because she said she was fat. She was extremely fit and I always found this odd. The very last time I saw her she slapped my hand off her stomach because she said she was bloated and didn't want me to touch there. I think this behaviour fits somewhere in the pattern.
Logged
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2019, 12:44:20 PM »

Her sister was extremely nice to me when I contacted her after on facebook and actually talked to me more times than my ex. She said she was sorry things didn't work out because I was a wonderful persona and that I had a bright future ahead of me. She only met me twice so obviously she wouldn't let on if she thought what happened to me was right or not, but her family has a very prominent business in this city. My ex has lived at home with them or traveled the world her entire life. She has never earned anything in her life the way most people do. Her mom apologized to me at Christmas for her daughter being so disorganized and I always wondered if they knew what was coming. I'll never know but something else that has taken up too much time in my thoughts.
Logged
Ozzie101
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1915



« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2019, 12:44:26 PM »

My H has real issues with his weight. In fact, a weight gain triggered his biggest, most extended episode of dysregulations. He didn't purge, but he definitely restricted (which only made his moods worse). My sister had an eating disorder as a teen and this was very similar.
Logged
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2019, 01:05:42 PM »

Yes, my ex used to drink a bottle of coke most nights now you mention it.

You will come to realise the types of behaviours now your away from it. You are not alone believe me.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2019, 01:10:03 PM »

The scary thing for me is that I normally have limited interest in the majority of women I have dated over the years and I fell for her on the third date because she was so unique and I could talk to her for hours. Another really odd thing is that I was only mildly attracted to her physically as her face is not very feminine but she was in excellent shape.  Yet I made a connection with her that was so rare and valuable that I miss her still everyday and then I discover she has NPD, BPD or both. Kind of humiliating although like everyone else on here who were fooled it's impossible to know sometimes.
Logged
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2019, 01:16:31 PM »

Another bizarre thing is that she closed her email account after leaving me so I could not write her which takes a lot of work to change all your information, but she did not block me through text as far as I know because as of the last time I phoned it still rang several times before going to voicemail. When you are blocked it goes straight to voicemail from the research I read. It is so much easier to block someone on text than it is to create a new email account, but she did the opposite. Yet another contradiction in behaviour.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2019, 01:16:51 PM »

Hi Seekinganswers30,

The scary thing for me is that I normally have limited interest in the majority of women I have dated over the years

The r/s was probably more stable with the other women though? You'll still have friction but the length of time in between is much more spaced out then when it is with a pwBPD? I get it, on the one hand I knew that the r/s was bad but on the other hand I still wanted to be in the r/s because I felt like I would not meet a person that made me feel the way I did with my exuBPDw. You're r/s was 4 months? It sounds like you were in a honeymoon phase of the r/s, it's something new and it can feel amazing the problem with a pwBPD is that it's much more intense in the beginning because of how they put you on a pedestal. That's something that you could look at, realistically a person with a PD or a non can't sustain the honeymoon period forever.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #14 on: March 20, 2019, 01:17:35 PM »

That's the important thing to take from this and you must remember that moving forward.

There are women like this out there (and men).

Educating yourself needs to be a priority for you and also you need to understand the part you played in this.

Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2019, 01:20:46 PM »

You are onto something there Mutt. I dated a girl last year and although she was gorgeous and nice enough the relationship was boring and I almost wanted something to kick off.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2019, 01:24:13 PM »

the thing about people with BPD traits is that they over express themselves, for better and for worse.

when they are in, they are all in, intensely.

what we dont always see is whats boiling underneath the surface. doubts, insecurities, incompatibilities, resentments, anger, all sorts of things. it can be really confusing and disorienting when it surfaces.

most relationships (in general) fail around the third month, sometimes for big reasons, sometimes for superficial reasons. from your story, its hard to tell what her reasoning was, whether they were big things, small things, some combination, and its entirely possible she wouldnt be able to explain it herself.

one thing thats for sure is that its really hard to lose a deep and intense connection. like anything else, it has to be mourned and grieved.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2019, 01:38:32 PM »

We had a lot of future plans and the last time I saw her I gave her Christmas presents. When she blew me off for the third time that week and I criticized her for not thinking about my feelings and then compounded it by asking why in the world she would go out with her friend on New Year's Eve instead of her boyfriend, I think that was Object Constancy and she had to burn our relationship down right now because I complained. Never mind that I just had a nice holiday with her 3 days ago, or the 4 months of me treating her kindly and the last month of ignoring all her odd behaviour. As soon as I spoke up that was it. It's super sad and I miss her everyday but if she is that volatile there was no chance we could have managed a budget, raised children, or lived together without some healthy amount of constructive criticism between each other. So better now then later when she also takes half my belongings. Doesn't make me feel better when I'm alone every day though.
Logged
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2019, 01:48:17 PM »

 if she is that volatile there was no chance we could have managed a budget, raised children, or lived together without some healthy amount of constructive criticism between each other. 

Read that again. My wife accumulated thousands of pounds in debt without my knowledge, guess who's paying it off? I only have about 4k left but to begin with I was left with nothing. 3/4 of my kids have anxiety plus other issues, 2 are in counselling and don't understand why their mother doesn't care about them. With my ex criticism only went 1 way.

What you said is normal r/s expectations, you are not going to get that with a borderline.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2019, 02:00:16 PM »

Do you think from my story that she was BPD, NPD or a mix of both?
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #20 on: March 20, 2019, 02:07:03 PM »

we have the full diagnostic criteria here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

additionally, this can really help clarify: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #21 on: March 20, 2019, 02:10:10 PM »

Yes I have done a lot of research and already read those articles. She matches about 70% of BPD and 70% of NPD traits and is way off on the other 30% which makes it difficult to pinpoint.
Logged
Ozzie101
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1915



« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2019, 02:19:31 PM »

The answer isn't always clear-cut. A person doesn't have to match all criteria to have a PD. Then again, they can have symptoms without really being diagnosable. In my case, my H isn't diagnosed and doesn't match all the symptoms but he does have some of them and the tools I've learned have helped immensely. Your partner may well have a combination of the two (co-morbidity isn't uncommon). Even for professionals, accurately diagnoses can be very tricky.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #23 on: March 20, 2019, 02:26:12 PM »

a lot of members will tell you that they found it simpler to focus on traits that were difficult, and behaviors that hurt them.

its not that the differences dont matter, they do. its that sometimes we can go down a rabbit hole of pathologizing what are pretty common though dysfunctional relationship problems, and miss the big picture, in ways that can either confuse or damage our own healing process.

apart from or including the breakup itself, what did you struggle with the most?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #24 on: March 20, 2019, 02:44:44 PM »

Many things bothered me. I thought she was the least selfish woman I had ever met in the beginning as she was constantly thinking about me, talking to me, making time for me, bringing me food and medicine when I was sick, etc. Then she became the most selfish woman I had ever met in the last few weeks especially during the break-up. She wouldn't let me bring her Christmas presents when I came over because she said she had to put on a show when she opened them and her parents would think she was a jerk because she bought me nothing. Her sudden refusals to say she missed me in return when I told her I missed her even though that used to be a daily comment from her. Cancelling 5 minutes before we were supposed to go out a few times, even worse blowing me off 3 times in that final week when all I needed was one message so I could make other plans, and not even talking to me about New Years Eve. Which of course led to me finally speaking up and criticizing her. I still wish I had just stayed quiet and talked to her the next day in person instead when we were supposed to go out.

The breakup was the most confusing and cruel thing I had ever experienced. Doing it over text, saying she loved me and had a connection with me, but telling me I'm a red flag and I should respect her not to ask why. I should respect her when she is breaking my heart without explanation, seriously? Saying she doesn't like sending messages and it's a waste of her time, like me wanting an explanation for why she was leaving me was such a huge inconvenience for her. The complete refusal to talk to me in person or on the phone so I could understand why she never wanted to see me again 3 days after Christmas. The silent treatment bothers me the most. I would have preferred insults or hearing she didn't have feelings for me anymore. I might have even preferred she cheated on me. At least it would make sense. It also bothers me that a lot of this escalated because of the one night away together where I had anxiety ED and performed poorly in bed. She insulted me saying I was freaking her out and making her hold back which she then did by turning completely cold and uninterested in being intimate with me from then on.
Logged
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #25 on: March 20, 2019, 02:50:39 PM »

I asked this question too and it's difficult. I think if you get to the point where you are on Google looking for answers because of the confusion that has been caused within You then there is something very wrong.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Seekinganswers30
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #26 on: March 20, 2019, 02:59:06 PM »

Yes, I read an article called the 10 emotions you feel when in a narcissistic relationship. It said you shouldn't feel any of these things in a regular relationship and if you were experiencing any of them then you were in a toxic, abusive relationship. I felt all 10 of the emotions.
Logged
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #27 on: March 20, 2019, 03:02:03 PM »

See the part where you said you wished you would of stayed quiet? I feel that's dangerous. You should be able to express your opinions but she cannot accept the criticism, there's your problem.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Purplex
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 171



« Reply #28 on: March 20, 2019, 03:47:35 PM »

Staff only


This thread has reached its posting limit and is now locked. Please feel free to continue the conversation in a new thread. Thank you for your participation.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!