the entire relationship was a game to her and I was unaware the whole time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod note: This post is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335047.0

Another thing that makes me feel helpless is even though it would not help I would really like to sometimes write her and tell her it's disgusting to treat someone who loved her like a piece of trash. Then she just validates her reason for leaving and that I'm the abusive one or she puts a harassment complaint on me. So either I stay quiet and she walks away to travel and live carefree under her parent's roof and money while she almost broke me from her cruelty, or I vent, tell her she is a horrible person and make things worse by looking crazy. Lose, lose.

[Seekinganswers30]

Mod note: This post is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335047.0

Another thing that makes me feel helpless is even though it would not help I would really like to sometimes write her and tell her it's disgusting to treat someone who loved her like a piece of trash. Then she just validates her reason for leaving and that I'm the abusive one or she puts a harassment complaint on me. So either I stay quiet and she walks away to travel and live carefree under her parent's roof and money while she almost broke me from her cruelty, or I vent, tell her she is a horrible person and make things worse by looking crazy. Lose, lose.

[Seekinganswers30]

I know about having to stay quiet and it being painful to do. When she went to babysit for 6 days and didn't want to talk to me I stayed quiet because we had my Christmas work party coming up and I didn't want to lose her, even though I was insulted to be ignored for 6 days for babysitting when we live 10 minutes away from each other. When she blew me off with the meatball incident 2 days in a row I stayed quiet because Christmas was 2 days away even though I was furious when she lied and changed her story the second day. Then she disrespects me again with her total indifference for my time the next week and I do speak up and she is gone validating my concern that as soon as I speak up she would leave. Again lose, lose. I stay quiet and she is still with me today probably but I'm walking on eggshells. I speak up and she burns me to the ground and I never see her again and miss her company everyday. Yet when she was playing the love bombing game I would have never even considered having to speak up to her because we were both so happy. We both said in the beginning that we loved being open with each other because we hate playing games yet the entire relationship was a game to her and I was unaware the whole time.

[Longterm]

About the last 18mths of my marriage I woke up daily absolutely soaking wet, I hated going home and especially being in the same room. I have not seen or spoken to her since Nov 2017 and I tell you now, she scares the crap out of me, my daughter too. If I see signs of toxicity in a new r/s I will run. My ex emailed the other day and I started to visibly shake. What you read was right, you need to avoid that kind of stuff moving forwards.

[Longterm]

Everything you have said resonates with me. You were in a relationship where you were ignoring your own needs and opinions because of not wanting to lose her.

It's mind boggling right? And then you crave her and her communication.

That's the nature of these types of relationships unfortunately. It is extremely tough and painful to cut the cord but I would urge you to stay in NC.

You have no kids or ties to her, remember that.

[Seekinganswers30]

Last post met the 2 page limit so starting a new thread.

I have been doing a lot of research since I was discarded by my ex girlfriend 11 weeks ago and I am still deeply hurt by the experience. Hoping to hear from people with past experience and if she displays the BPD or NPD attributes I think add up or if I was in fact just left by a woman who lost all interest in me very quickly.

I am 44 and have never been married so I have dated many women. Most ended mutually and respectfully while a few ended due to an argument. My mind and all of my friends and family are extremely confused by how hard this break-up has hit me, especially since our relationship only lasted 4 months. I recently came across literature on BPD and NPD and my jaw dropped as it felt like I was reading my own story. I cannot even comprehend how much pain other members on here must have experienced in longer term relationships before being discarded but I am hoping that sharing my story will bring me feedback on how to heal from this experience.

I met this woman online in September. We connected immediately, she was an amazing communicator and I found her incredibly interesting. Over the next two-and-a-half months I found her to be the least selfish woman I had ever met and I fell in love with her quickly. She texted me 50 times a day. She brought me gifts every single time she came to see me which made me a little uncomfortable at first. Ice cream, pizza, thanksgiving dinner, etc. I got the flu during our first month together and she brought me medicine to work and orange juice. She told me things I had never heard before except in movies. She was so lucky to find me, where did i come from, she wanted to build a future with me, she asked if I wanted to have kids eventually. She insisted I get an STD test and I was fine with that. She told me she thought she was pregnant for a few days when she was away on a trip and when I asked if she was worried she said as calmly as can be that she was not and we would have dealt with it together. I honestly thought I was going to marry her eventually after that comment. I am 44 and she was 36 so this made me extremely happy that I had found someone to have a future and a family with before I got too old. There were a few things I found odd but I was by no means going to be judgmental. She had a lot of anxiety and was constantly unable to handle criticism. She went into a rage for an entire day because someone honked at her. She had a fight with her cousin at work and went on a 10 minute f-bomb rant when she came to see me and asked if we could find a hit man to kill him. I thought it was just an over the top joke but now I look back and see that it was narcissistic rage. She would talk to strangers anywhere she went and had this bizarre way of being unable to focus on more than one person. I would be completely ignored until she finished the conversation. When I introduced her to my mom she didn't even talk to me the entire hour because she was focused on my mom and wanted her approval. she told my mom she was skinny when my mom had gained a lot of weight recently and we found that comment strange.

Her family is very wealthy and she has just started working for their family business. They paid for her to not work for 14 years and live abroad while getting her PHD. She still lives at home and volunteers and goes to church because she says it makes her feel like a good person. When I first met her she was embarrassed to admit these things, but as month 3 began I started to see less of her as she just wanted to spend most of her weekends with her family. She scolded me in public on multiple occasions not to embarrass her, once all I did was ask where we going for breakfast in the hotel lobby and she yelled at me. I went with her and my mom to the grocery store and she was quiet and moody the whole time. When we came home she yelled at me in front of my mom because she didn't want any birthday cake and I asked her to have some. Suddenly everything was a contradiction and I began to become very confused. She didn't want chocolate anymore because she said she was fat even though she was extremely fit. The first time I gave her gifts she loved them. Then she told me randomly she didn't like getting gifts because she doesn't like most things people give her and she has to pretend. She was no longer a fan of texting and emails. She didn't like flowers anymore, she didn't like holding hands in public, she didn't like music, one night she didn't like movies because she should be spending her time saving the world and the next night she wanted to watch movies again. She only liked drinking shakes she made at home all of a sudden. I asked her if she would make me a watermelon shake twice and she ignored me completely even though she couldn't stop bringing me things in the beginning. She stayed overnight at my house only once and twice on overnight trips but lied to her parents all 3 times that she was with a friend because she felt guilty about them knowing. I couldn't get her to to stay overnight at my house more then the one time even though she asked me to buy coffee for her to have in the mornings and I bought her a special cup to leave here to drink from.

She kept telling me that I was old and during one of our overnight trips she said she was worried I would be too old when our kid was 20. Then she said she worried if I could support her when we got married if she didn't want to work anymore. I have a very good job and home but that bothered me greatly. I had serious performance anxiety that night in bed and she yelled at me. This was not the first time she had criticized something I did in bed. She was extremely cold the next 2 times we were intimate after that before our break-up and I still feel embarrassed by this. She complained that my clothes made me look old and my hairstyle. She had to babysit for 6 days and suddenly I was getting zero texts a day because she was so stressed. I had to text her at night to see how her day was. We went to mini-golf and she started smashing the ball when she had a bad game. She says she does this when things go bad. She was cancelling some of our dates 10 minutes before she was supposed to arrive. There was an extremely strange incident where she texted me in the morning and said she was bringing me homemade meatballs and then she didn't show up. She said she got busy at work and would bring them the next day. The next day I had to message her in the afternoon to find out what was going on. I said my friend was coming over and she could bring them after 7 that night. She said sounds like a plan an she will let me know what time she was coming and then didn't show up again. I asked what happened and she said she didn't come because my friend was there. I was furious about this but said nothing as Christmas was approaching. I bought her Christmas presents and the first thing she said was that we were not supposed to buy presents for each other and now she had to go buy me something. She made me wait until boxing day to give the presents to her because she said she didn't want to have her parents watch her open them and she would look like a jerk in front of them since she had nothing for me. I gave her the presents on boxing day and it was the last time I ever saw her. I had been walking on egg shells the entire month terrified that I was losing the girl I had fell in love with as she was a completely different person and I blamed myself. I thought she was losing interest in me, and I worried she held a grudge towards me for ruining our night away together with my poor performance. However, we still had plans to go to Vegas, she told my co-workers at my Christmas party she would see them next year and she asked me to bring movies over to watch with her parents the night before I was discarded, etc. So there were signs of the woman I fell for, but they were sporadic. She said she was spending New Years Eve with her friend who was a single mom and it was a tradition and I didn't say anything.

3 days after Christmas I asked her if she wanted me to go to a dinner event with her or if she wanted to come over after and I didn't hear from her until 10:30 at night. She wrote that she would see me the next day at 3 and we could go wherever I wanted. After a month of anxiety and not speaking up, I couldn't take it anymore and wrote her that I would like her to take 30 seconds to tell me when we don't have plans or if she is not coming so that I can make alternate plans instead of her leaving me hanging on a tree. I asked if she knew this was hurtful or if she didn't care. I also asked her why she didn't want to spend New Year's with her boyfriend and why she didn't even bother to talk to me about it, thinking it was ok for me to just stay home while she did whatever she wanted. I said this was not normal and like high school dating. She wrote back that I was out of line for expecting to spend New Year's Eve with her after only 4 months. This made no sense to me as we did Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she ignored me when I asked if we had plans because I was pressuring her and she already told me I couldn't go to that dinner event with her. That was not true. She also said New Years Eve was a reunion with 5 friends that they did annually. That was not the story she said before. 30 minutes before our date the next day she broke up with me on text saying things wouldn't work out and she couldn't see me. No further explanation. I sent her multiple messages trying to explain my message was not as confrontational as she though and she was overreacting. The next day I got a message that said she was sad because she had love and a connection with me but I should find someone to treat me better than her. This made me more confused. I got the silent treatment for 3 more weeks and reopened my internet dating account reluctantly. Then one morning she reopened her profile with all new pictures and had changed her age wants to under 40, said family and friends were of the out most importance and she wanted someone who was passionate about their job or an entrepreneur. I felt like this was all directed at me to insult me. She clicked on my profile so I would know she was back online and I was so hurt that I cried all day because I had just wanted to talk to her about the message I sent. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I saw her profile. I just wanted the chance to talk to her in person one time before we started looking for other people. She wrote me one final message saying she wanted to help me move forward and proceeded to confuse me even worse. She said she had made it clear communication was over and then she said she had tried to write me several times but my new messages were causing her to panic and stay silent. So a contradiction in the same sentence. She said the text I sent was a red flag we wouldn't last in the long term but I needed to respect her not to tell me what the red flag was. She also made sure to say she didn't like having to write me the message because she does not like email and hates wasting timing on writing messages. I tried to tell her that I was completely loyal and in love with her and that is the opposite of a red flag for a long term relationship. Everything I read and people I talk to says she was the red flag for New Year's Eve but she made me the bad guy. The complaint about not leaving me hanging all day when one simple message to let me know her plans is just common courtesy. Instead I believe she has me painted as being controlling, needy and confrontational. There was nothing wrong with what I said in that text but she went into a rage for being criticized and cut my head off. I never heard from her again. I tried multiple times to explain the message to dead silence.

I have been dealing with the grief of missing her and the withdrawal of never seeing or speaking to her again when I was addicted to it. The shock of how sudden this occurred, the guilt of triggering it with that text and the total rejection and feeling like she didn't value me at all with a text break-up and silent treatment. I came across the covert narcissist literature, and read how they get like this from being put on a pedestal and overvalued at a young age by their parents which has been and continues to be her whole fairy tale life. How they smash things in competition when they get upset, the complete inability to deal with criticism, and of course the idealiization/love bombing, devaluation, and discard with no closure. However there are lots of BPD traits as well. I was only the fourth guy she had ever dated, if I can believe her, but the other 3 ex's were 8, 2 and 1 years, plus she requires STD tests and she was very nervous when we met since she had just started internet dating. So I believe that I was only her fourth, but I was her shortest relationship which feels like a failure, when in reality I know I'm lucky more time was not wasted. When she reopened her dating profile after she left me there was only a week left on her membership and she didn't renew so she is already gone from the dating site. She has long stretches of not dating which seems to not fit the covert narcissist profile, however, she is so desperate for strangers to talk to and like her and spends so much time with her family that I think she gets her need for attention from that and would rather not date until someone fits her perfect profile. As confused as I am over why she left me, having another man is the only thing I am sure was not the reason, as I spent Christmas with her family and she would never have reopened her internet profile for a week if she had someone else. It doesn't matter anymore, although I still feel jealous the next guy will get her love bombing attention while I suffered for a month before being thrown away.

The hardest thing to forget, and I'm sure it's the problem for most people here is how happy she was to be with me for a few months and then compare it to how easily it was for her to never talk to me again. One of the things I was concluding while ruminating after discard and before I found the literature on cluster B personalities is that the entire relationship was based on how she felt. She spent my birthday with me and texted me thank you for making her feel important to spend my birthday together. I told that one to my mom and she thought it was very odd. It's my birthday but she is talking about her feelings. I want to give her Christmas presents and she says not to bring them because of how she will feel opening them in front of her parents. No concern for how I feel on the holiday. I had just sat down at the table with and met her family for the first time at her work Christmas party and she wanted to change tables and go sit with her co-workers because they didn't have a full table and she thought they would be mad at her. This bothered me greatly as I was finally getting to know her family and she wanted to pick me up and go sit somewhere else with no consideration at all about how I felt. Her mom actually told her to stop that and we stayed where we were.

It's been 11 weeks now since this happened and I still can't get it out of my mind. I still miss her and have problems concentrating. She has cut me off completely and will not respond to any message. I lost 30 pounds from stress and depression. Sometimes I get the shakes because I just want to write her and ask how her day was and beg her for forgiveness again. I can't believe how she was able to stop talking to me so easily overnight. I treated her with love, respect and kindness everyday and she discarded me over one message. I am a type A, independent person and I can't believe how this has affected me. I have no interest in the things I used to love, I am anxious and nervous about everything now.

[once removed]

the entire relationship was a game to her and I was unaware the whole time.

i think that with sentiments like these, you may be increasing your own suffering.

people with BPD traits dont get into relationships to fool someone or play games (generally no one does, unless they are after something like your money). they fall hard, and they fall fast. they have qualities that both attract and overwhelm us, and so quite often, we fall hard and fast ourselves.

its hard to lose that. but i think if you look back on the relationship, it was not a setup...everyone had the best of intentions. isnt it more likely that it just wasnt sustainable?

[Seekinganswers30]

Yes I understand and agree with what you are saying that it wasn't a game in her mind and she believed that she loved me for a little while, but it was a false person pretending/mirroring to be attentive and sharing similar interests. However the real personality that I met a few months later is a completely different personality. This is why I label it as game playing. I was consistent the entire relationship while she was 2 people, one loving, compassionate, affectionate, and amazing, and the other incredibly inconsiderate, cruel, and illogical. The first person I met I could never imagine having the capabilities of cutting ties with me so easily and with no consideration to my reaction, thoughts or feelings. I was the most important person to her in the world for a few months and then I was an ice cream wrapper thrown with ease into the wastebasket.

[once removed]

at the start of romantic relationships, we all put our best foot forward...the most attractive version of ourselves, in order to attract the other person. when you throw in infatuation and chemistry, theres often a lot of overlap in interests, and bonding over that. i know ive told a few of my girlfriends that they were the most beautiful girl in the world. i wasnt lying, per se, but its not as if i still hold that view today.

around the three month mark, things start to change. maybe some of those things we initially bonded over, we dont so much anymore. maybe they even annoy us or drive us a part. sometimes that differentiation brings us closer and we get over the hurdles, but statistically, not most of the time.

with BPD traits, you get all of this, just in a more extreme fashion, and we arent usually privy to all thats going on underneath the surface. what hurts is that we were all in, too. deeply invested - a lot of us felt that we had met our soulmate. i know i never believed my partner would leave, and when she did, it felt like the ultimate rejection.

it gets better. anger toward things like inconsistencies and unfairness are certainly part of that process.

[Ozzie101]

I agree with Once. It does get better.

I sometimes think of the BPD behavior as a reflex action. A doctor thumps you in the right spot on your knee, you'll kick your leg. Someone throws something at you, you'll duck/blink/throw your arms up to catch it. You don't think about it. It just happens. Same thing with BPD, in many ways.

The false person/mirroring was likely something she wasn't really aware of or doing on purpose. She was probably being honest with you before and later. It's not two people. It's one person. One person with way more extremes than the average person, who is ill and doesn't have the tools to keep the bad parts under control.

You mentioned wanting to write her a letter but knowing it wouldn't be a good idea. I agree. It's not likely to get the result you'd want. But you could still write the letter. Just don't send it. Writing out your thoughts and feelings can be very therapeutic.

[Longterm]

Very therapeutic yes.

I was told to do this and I can say from personal experience it is beneficial.

The ego finds it very difficult to accept some of our feelings, but acceptance is the key to freeing ourselves of said feelings.

When I was in tremendous amounts of suffering I would go out go my local park with a notepad and pen and sit in the middle of nowhere and really force myself to think about why I was upset. It was normally to do with the ex. I want write some really uncomfortable stuff down and then I would read it over and over.

By the time I got home I always felt better.

The reason why is that by writing it down and reading it forced me to accept it, thus freeing myself.

[Seekinganswers30]

I wrote her sister on facebook a month ago and told her that since my ex was completely ignoring me I wanted her to know I was deeply sorry for sending the message that caused the breakup. I tried to explain that I was just asking my ex to consider my feelings when she stands me up and wastes my whole day and if she sent me one message I could make other plans. I also explained I was just asking her why she didn't want to spend New Year's Eve with me not ordering her or controlling her. I was trying to get the idea across that I had never said a word of complaint to my ex the entire time we were together and then the first time I did she dropped me 3 days after Christmas and it hurt me and shocked me terribly. I let the sister know I had lost 25 pounds from stress which ended up at 30 before I started coming out of my depression.

The sister ended up exchanging messages with me a few times on facebook. I found it Ironic as I had only met the sister twice for Christmas and she has already talked to me more than my ex after the breakup. Now that I have come across this research on BPD and see object constancy, splitting, not being able to handle criticism at all, idealization, devaluation and discarding, I can see my entire relationship clear as day. Even my mom who only met my ex twice thought she was a completely different person the second time. So this relationship had a lot of textbook BPD occurrences. Do I look like the crazy person or jilted lover, if I told the sister all the details of what happened to me, the three stages, the personality change and the terminology for all these things?

[Longterm]

I think that what people don't see is that your feelings are just that, YOURS.

When somebody says something or does something to us we fail to recognise that the rest Is up to us.

If somebody calls us a name we could instantly experience many feelings such as shame, guilt, embarrassment etc. But by recognising that we are choosing to experience these feelings we can let go of them.

We have to own our own emotions and control them, letting them control us leads to suffering and much dysfunction.

It is an extremely difficult thing to do and I struggle with it daily.

[Longterm]

It sounds to me that you are very much in the bargaining stage. If I did this or that etc.

There was nothing you could of done, when these people are out the door they are out the door.

I feel your pain believe me.

What hobbies/interests do you have? Could you maybe organise something this weekend with friends/family to take your mind off things?

[Skip]

she was 2 people, one loving, compassionate, affectionate, and amazing, and the other incredibly inconsiderate, cruel, and illogical...

The hardest thing about people with BPD traits is understanding that  they are not two people (dream come true, relationship from hell), but rather one consistent person (emotionally impulsive, significantly over-emotes feelings).

We often get caught up because we don't realize that the "dream come true" was over-felt/over-stated. Then the  breakup was over-felt/over-stated. I got caught in this too - my relationship was 4 years, but the over-felt/over-stated was hard to navigate on a day to day basis.

You may want to cast this episode in your own mind without the overstatement - try to put it in its proper perspective - and then process your grief and loss.

Was yours a 120 day world-wind relationship that struggled to make it through through the hardest relationship time period of the year - the holidays? What was the factor that brought things down.

This is a hard one. It may not be obvious. It may take time to find it. It's there and its probably not what you are thinking right now.  

What does the "age thing" really mean? You were always the same age - that didn't change - what is it really about?

She kept telling me that I was old and during one of our overnight trips she said she was worried I would be too old when our kid was 20. Then she said she worried if I could support her when we got married if she didn't want to work anymore. I have a very good job and home but that bothered me greatly. I had serious performance anxiety that night in bed and she yelled at me. This was not the first time she had criticized something I did in bed.  

Why is this so hard (you asked earlier)?  

Because she was a dream for you. Attractive, attentive, young, and wanting to start a family... and she was crazy about you.

You didn't just lose a date, you lost a dream. And you got blamed for going down as if you are defective and don't deserve it.

Wow... that has to be hard to take.

That is why this is so painful.

[Seekinganswers30]

So I'm hoping for advice on the best way to get this overwhelming feeling of anxiety to pass. My mind keeps forgetting that I'm not dealing with a rational/logical situation and desperately wants me to reach out and ask my ex why she would break up with me over text and never let me talk to her again because of one message. I know the answers, because I was in a toxic relationship and that is how a discard works, but my mind just keeps screaming at me. I've lost 30 pounds now and my skin has broken out. I can't even laugh anymore.


Last week I got my ex to respond for the first time in 2 months when i asked if we could have a conversation on the phone or in person to respect our relationship instead of ending it by text. She wrote, "I appreciate that you are upset and want closure but i have already done my best to give you that and I have nothing else to say. Please, please, please respect my wishes for us to go our separate ways. This made me feel ok for a couple days because it showed again how ridiculous she is by thinking she did her best to explain when she has done nothing except call me a flag and never speaking to me again.


Then I started to feel that rejection again. She can't tale 5 or 10 minutes to talk to me on the phone? How can someone act like that after all the good times we had? So I know that calling her again is pointless but I still want to tell her I'm not garbage why can't she speak to me, I did nothing to deserve this. I also have this urge to write her sister and tell her how my health has failed and I don't understand why I'm being treated like garbage when I did nothing wrong. The sister even told me when I talked to her a month ago that my ex had no negativity towards me. So I want to ask her is that is true then why won't she talk to me then? I also really want the sister to know what kind of damage has been caused to me when all I did wrong was give my love and trust.

I know contact is a bad idea. I have passed the stage of wanting to get her back but everyday I get these compulsions to write her or her sister and explain how unfair I was treated at the end. If I could get that to go away, then I would be ok, but when I wake up every night and keep losing weight, etc. I just can't stop.

Will messaging the sister help or make me feel worse? They probably think I'm crazy for not just walking away 3 months ago when she discarded me but I don't know how to let go of wanting her to explain properly how I became so worthless to her overnight.

[crushedagain]

As difficult as it is, when somebody tells you they no longer want to talk to you, you have to accept that. I was discarded as well, after a 2 year relationship. She has not reached out to me save for some silly email link she sent me, but I have never responded nor reached out to her. As painful as the realization is, I know I will never see or talk to her again.

Forget the BPD for a moment and imagine it was a "normal" relationship that ended. If the woman told you she no longer wanted to talk to you then you would (or at least should) respect that. When you don't, you are putting/forcing your needs above the wishes and needs of the other party.

Rather than try to reach out to her in an effort to soothe your pain, I would recommend talking to somebody completely different, like a friend, family member or counselor. I had a few urges to reach out to my ex when I was in considerable pain, but I am SO happy I never did. I realize now it would have been a great mistake which I would have always regretted.

Best of luck to you.

[Wicker Man]

So I'm hoping for advice on the best way to get this overwhelming feeling of anxiety to pass.

I am a big proponent of therapy.  Therapy won't 'fix' you, but it will help you make good use of your time while grieving.  Someone here once said time doesn't fix the pain -time spent doing the right things does -horribly paraphrased... Sorry. -I liken it to the Quaker saying of 'Pray, but pray with your feet moving'.

Practically speaking journalling helps.  Force yourself to articulate your maelstrom of thoughts to the point where you can write them out.  I would suggest buying a journal and writing in it as well as continuing to post here.  Talk with friends and family.  Try to spend time around other people -even if it is just going to a coffee shop.  Get out of the house.

My mind keeps forgetting that I'm not dealing with a rational/logical situation and desperately wants me to reach out and ask my ex why she would break up with me over text and never let me talk to her again because of one message.

I do not know your ex-girlfriend and I am not qualified to diagnose her with any sort of malady -but to break up via text does not show a lot of emotional maturity.  It is hard, but you have to accept the reality of the situation even if it does not make logical sense.  It took me a long time to embrace this notion -so many things simply did not make any sense looking at it from within my worldview.  I simply had to accept what I observed... or keep rejecting reality and continue in my futile cycle of rumination (easily said...  This took me about a year).

I've lost 30 pounds now and my skin has broken out. I can't even laugh anymore.

We read a lot about self care.  The only way out of this is through.  I made a list of what 'healthy people do' and I made myself do them.  Take walks, ride my bike, eat right.  I was not getting any joy out of these things, but I forced myself until slowly the routine became easier -even more slowly I have started to enjoy these things again.  I even joined a gym again for the first time in about 10 years...

...I got my ex to respond for the first time in 2 months...  ...This made me feel ok for a couple days because it showed again how ridiculous she is by thinking... ...She can't tale 5 or 10 minutes to talk to me on the phone?

There is a lot to be learned in these few thoughts of yours.  
Firstly communication with your ex is a short term fix which then leads to more pain.  I would suggest this is a bad idea in the future --she cannot help you through this.  

Secondly you have reaffirmed her thinking does not fit with your idea of logic.

Lastly, if she does suffer from Borderline Personality disorder then there is a chance, in fact, she cannot have a conversation with you.  This personality disorder, from my understanding, is a study in shame, fear, and emotional pain.

When someone is in extreme pain they may be so engulfed that they may not be able to show empathy or compassion.  Perhaps she feels badly about ending your relationship and this makes her unable to offer you any sort of explanation.  It does you no good to speculate on her motivation -it just has to be accepted.

I'm not garbage

Of course you are not!  Also you have firmly established she is not logical -do you need her opinion on the matter?  If she is not someone who's world view you can trust and accept would a compliment from her matter to you?

I also really want the sister to know...

I have a few thoughts here.  Her sister likely knows your ex better than you -you will not be able to tell her anything she doesn't already know or suspect.  Secondly... I know you are hurting, but it will not make you feel better in the long run to triangulate her sister against your ex.  

There have been times where I wanted to say all manner of things to my ex and I realized my heart was not in the right place and I did not want to give in to myself and be punitive -it would not have done either of us any good.  My ex is in enough emotional pain just trying to get through the day -I don't need to add any.  

If I could get that to go away, then I would be ok, but when I wake up every night and keep losing weight, etc. I just can't stop.

This is not easy.  Recovering from a relationship which ends so suddenly is incredibly confusing.  Journalling, therapy and self care was the way though for me.

Wicker Man

[Wicker Man]

Please forgive the double tap on your thread...  A thought occurred to me.

I don't know if it helps... It was when I came to the realization that my ex had it within her to turn on a dime and end our relationship without any room to an appeal was when I knew I must walk away.  One cannot thrive in a relationship which can suddenly blow apart like a circuit breaker tripping.  

Do not allow yourself to live under the sword of Damocles.  Breaking up is something which should be done once in a relationship.  As I told her the first time she broke up with me (it was a small tiff over the phone after we had only just met)  --the next time will be very short, extremely painful and permanent (it was all those things).

She broke up with me in a rage, but it was a bluff.  I processed this and agreed to end our relationship.  I still felt a lot of dismay and confusion, but I knew in my mind I had done the right thing for us.  [It took my heart a little bit longer to get with the plan...]

When I say it was best for us I mean I removed myself from an unhealthy relationship and demonstrated to her people do have boundaries and her behavior was dysfunctional and wholly unacceptable.  

From what I had been able to ascertain she had run roughshod over all of her past boyfriends.  The previous one was chopped off at the knees when she met me -to the extent where she was texting me as she broke up with him at a dinner.

There is true beauty in her, but she is not capable of a healthy relationship at this stage in her life.


Wicker Man

Yes... you lost her... But she lost you!

[Seekinganswers30]

Thank you. I have said she lost me to myself many times, becaise I put up with her bad behaviour for  a month because of the love I thought we had built together the first 3 months. I don't think she could possibly find a more understanding and caring person as me and it didn't matter at all. She just wants someone not to criticize her no matter how inconsiderate she acts.

I want to send her this last message below. I don't think she could call the cops on me for it. I'm not being rude but worried it might damage my healing which is not really going very well at the moment.

I’ve lost 30 pounds now because of the shock you caused me but more importantly my mom has become stressed about what is happening to me and it is affecting her health.
All because you wouldn’t have a mature conversation with me. If you want to break up, no matter how ridiculous your reason may be, fine, but the only thing I’m guilty of is giving you all my love and all my trust. I didn’t yell, insult, hit or cheat on you. You wanted to make me feel worthless with a cowardly text message after we spent months trying to build a future together.

And what did I do to deserve this disrespect and discard? I asked you why you didn’t want to spend New year’s Eve with me when we spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I guess you prefer a boyfriend who goes to the bar with his friends that night, picks someone up and cheats on you. I asked you to take 30 seconds and let me know what is going on instead of wasting my day waiting to hear from you. I still can’t understand that stunt you pulled not showing up with the meatballs 2 days in a row. I guess you prefer a boyfriend who dumps you for being inconsiderate instead of trying to have a conversation with you.

I’m going to get over this trauma, I have to, but you had a man who really cared about you, and you didn’t care or value that at all. it was more important to you to throw me away like garbage because I slightly criticized you. I don’t love you anymore, I just feel sorry for you and your future. I know I deserve better and I don’t need your validation anymore.

[HostNoMore]

I was exactly you eight years ago.  Your story reminded me so much of mine even down to the ages.  Yes, I too thought I had finally met someone special and even entertained possibly being able to have a child of my own one day with her.

What was gained from that experience gave me the tools that I needed to handle a dysfunctional, malevolent individual a couple of years ago.  Without her doing what she did, I would have had stood zero chance against him as I was able to recognize his threat to me in time to act.  He would have gleefully bankrupted me via the legal system had I never had my BPD torments.

Recovery is most painful.  It does get better.  One day, you will all be thankful for the gifts your BPD gave you.

[Sadly]

I don’t know that it’s “a game” to them, despite what they may spit at you in anger. They are human beings not monsters although I know it’s hard to think that way because of the monsterous things they do to us.
I think they start out as we do, looking for and falling in love, everyone deserves to be loved do they not? Then the disorder attacks, they can’t cope, I think the disorder attacks them as viciously as they eventually attack us. It’s heartbreaking and sad for everyone. Except one day we may be lucky to get out and find reciprocal honest love and sadly they never will. Just my opinion x

[once removed]

I want to send her this last message below.
...
I’ve lost 30 pounds now because of the shock you caused me but more importantly my mom has become stressed about what is happening to me and it is affecting her health.
All because you wouldn’t have a mature conversation with me. If you want to break up, no matter how ridiculous your reason may be, fine, but the only thing I’m guilty of is giving you all my love and all my trust.

i sent/wrote a lot of letters like this in my day.

they never caused the other person to reconsider breaking up with me. it never caused them to respect me. if anything, it reinforced the decision they had made. wearing our heart on our sleeve like this after a breakup communicates to them that we have difficulty coping.

two difficult lessons i learned from those times: a person who has hurt me (broken up with me) is in no position to heal me or help me heal. my reaction to the breakup, how i cope, and how i heal, are on me, and my responsibility.

find that inner strength. its there in you.

[Seekinganswers30]

Hello I left a voice mail on my ex's phone last week asking if we could have  a 10 minute conversation to end our relationship honorably instead of her text hit and run without any proper explanation. I told her the silent treatment with no explanation caused me stress that was not required when all she had to do was talk to me and I quoted her a passage from psychology today how intentionally withholding closure can be considered abusive when leaving a relationship that had no history of me mistreating her.

All the research I have done and comments received have helped me greatly so I knew she couldn't hurt me with any insults. I am past the point of needing her validation as I am taking the advice here to heart but I was hoping to hear anything other than silence just for my own inner closure and I certainly received that. She texted me back venomously and I wanted to post it here for your comments as it is a textbook reaction for BPD/NPD/Both? She blamed me for everything, lied to avoid responsibility, and then said she was going to call the police on me for both harassment and fraud if I contacted her again. No object constancy to be found as the last 2 times I saw her, I spent Christmas with her family where I gave her niece and nephew presents and actually walked around her house to put my green tea cup in the sink instead of on the furniture because I couldn't find a coaster. Since she didn't want to open the $300 in presents I got her in front of her parents she visited me on Boxing Day and opened them and I never saw her again because she broke up with me by text 3 days later because I complained about the way she was treating me. Now I'm the guy she is afraid of.

We were together for 4 months and she writes "We were together for only 3 months, I don't think that warrants the explanation or closure that you are asking for." (She thought she was pregnant, gave me the best compliments of my life, told me she loved me and wished I would quit my job and go work with her, but our relationship doesn't deserve closure. This is the most ridiculous thing she has ever said and is the main thing I will hold on to when cleansing any positve memories of her.)

"I was actually trying to be polite not getting into WHY things weren't working as in my mind it is not worth hurting your feelings especially when there is no way I would change my mind about you especially now." (So I asked from day one to give me an explanation instead of the silent treatment but she was trying not to hurt my feelings.)

"I became more disinterested in you as the months went on and had enough of your bossy and whiney behaviour." (Told me she loved me 3 days before at Christmas, told my co-workers she would see them next year 2 weeks before) (Asking her why she wanted to spend New Year's Eve with her friend instead of her boyfriend makes me bossy. Asking her to send me a message when she blows me off all day so I'm not sitting around waiting for her and can make other plans makes me whiny.)

"I had come to the conclusion that there was very little connection I felt I had with you on many levels-spiritual,physical, excitement, etc., there was absolutely no mutual interests/hobbies between us that we could have enjoyed together." (Her only interests are yachting, traveling, airports, planes, and hotel lounges. I asked her to go to the boat show, Las Vegas, weekend road trips anytime/anywhere.)

"Quite frankly I need someone who is a bit more knowledgeable when it comes to worldy/newsworthy things - I was bored - there wasn't one new fun thing you ever introduced me to." (I asked her if she wanted to watch the news a couple times and she said no. I offered to travel anywhere with her, said I would go to church with her, would go to her cottage with her, take her to Medieval Times, a magic show, the gym, play baseball with her. All met with indifference. I took her to the Aviary, taught her to play blackjack, showed her several new restaurants, my Christmas party, but I never did one fun thing with her.)

"I really did not want to get into this and that will be as far as I go so put this to rest and move on once and for all. You are forgetting that while you think I am being cruel, unfair, causing you trauma, mean, etc. by not reaching out your stalker like behaviour, aggressive and endless texts, and phone calls are equally as traumatic for me." (Asking her to please have a ten minute conversation is traumatizing her.)

So yeah I didn't listen to no contact but I think getting these comments helped me. I wrote her back that was the explanation I wanted, thank you then had a couple days of anxiety that she would use the police as a fear tactic. I don't even recognize this woman anymore, but hearing blatant lies and blames when I was trying everything I could to please her helps me see how doomed any effort I had with her would have been except perhaps just staying quiet no matter what she did and seeing her just when she felt like it.

Please let me know your thoughts and comments.

[once removed]

Seekinganswers30,

 

i think when someone threatens the police, and says that they feel harassed by our actions, we have to let go, respect their space, and respect ourselves. full stop.

i know this hurts. letting go of the good times, the words, promises, was the hardest thing i ever had to do.

lick your wounds. stand tall. hold your head high.

and also cry if you need to cry, and lean on your family here.

things will get better, but its not productive to keep pursuing answers from her.

[Seekinganswers30]

Yes know not to contact again for sure. Was wondering what you think though about how she could change the facts so easily?

[once removed]

i think that two people experience relationships differently, especially one that moves very quickly. they may be on different pages, and have different perceptions. that was really hard for me to get my mind around.

we arent necessarily privy to all of that, and to top it off, the other person may have second thoughts, change their mind, go back and forth, which can be even more confusing.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Seekinganswers30-
I’m sorry for the pain and confusion your BPDex has put you through and your resulting physical and emotional suffering.  None of this is easy, and I often wonder whether the length of these r/s has any bearing at all to the time it takes to recover.

There’s just so much confusion while we’re IN them, which doesn’t seem to become clear until we’re out...maybe that prolongs the recovery?

At any rate, I came to this site due to now exuBPDbf, but recently learned that my exH has Strong BPD traits (from his ex-wife before me who is a PhD in psychology).  I knew my exH was a Narc. 

My 19-year marriage ended the night he threw me across the room.  He had NEVER been violent toward me, but I am aware (now) that I twisted myself inside out trying to keep that man happy.   A few months after his arrest (of course I dropped the charges), I tried to talk to him...his response - “we’re separated, we don’t talk.”  4 months after our separation, he called my mother to ask why I was leaving.  Mystery...

At any rate, in an effort to get “closure”, about 9 months after our divorce was final, I left a voice message on his phone asking him to call me when he had 20 minutes to talk.  I had moved cross-country to escape him by that time.  He called me right back, said he had “a minute” and if I needed more than that, to send him a letter saying what I needed to say.  I agreed and politely hung up.  I had been journaling for about a year trying to make sense of things.  I printed out all I had written, burned the pages, spread the ashes in the sea and said a prayer.  I asked GOD for help.  And I sent my ex-husband a blank sheet of paper.

Yea, a blank sheet of paper.  I figured “why would my exH EVER give me the kindness or thought NOW that he didn’t see fit to give me while we were married?”  And I released myself.

Maybe you can do yourself that kindness.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seekinganswers30]

Went to the gym with my friend for yoga and ran into the ex. She looked at me and looked away so I walked up and said hi how are you and she started screaming what are you doing here, don't talk to me, I'm calling the police, you're a stalker, this is my gym. So I calmly said I'm just saying hello and going to yoga. We spent Christmas together and I never saw you again, I'm not your enemy. And she jumped off the treadmill and went home. My friend said it was the craziest thing he had ever seen.

[Gemsforeyes]

Whelp!  She sure did lock onto that stalker line, didn’t she?  Shame is a “funny” thing, and she’s got it.  Best for you to ignore her existence if you ever see her anywhere again.  I’m glad you had a witness and were in a very public place.  The last thing you need is an RO getting in the way of your healing.

I hope you’re doing well and realize there are likely some interesting reasons her family paid her NOT to work for 14 years.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seekinganswers30]

Yes, her family must know something is wrong I would assume. Hopefully they remember my actions the two times I met them and don't believe this nonsense she is spreading, but ultimately it doesn't matter anymore. Thank you for your comments, Gemsforeyes.