What does Forgiveness look like?

[Grace 888]

So here's what's up. My mom is BPD and she just recently had what you could call an episode. Earlier on this week she was harassing both my sister and I. We are both away at college and she was irritated that neither of us were calling her back quickly enough. I was at work and my sister was consumed with grad school work.

My mom did some pretty terrible things in response. Including texting us messages about how selfish we are and scolding us for our lack of compassion. She even went so far as to say that we are the kind of people that have made the suicide rate so high. She posted publicly on Facebook a super passive aggressive message about how some people shouldn't offer help to those suffering with depression if they can't fulfill that role. Of course she decided to tag both my sister and I in the post. I in return didn't respond, but did blocked her.

My mom has made several attempts over the past few days to call and text, but I'm really not in the right headspace to respond. I don't know though. I see her attempting to be kind through her texts, but I desperately want a genuine apology before talking to her again. The thing is I don't know if I'll ever get the apology and I don't know how to move forward with her if she doesn't acknowledge the impact of her insults. I guess I'm just lost and don't know when I should be showing grace and when I should just take a break from her.

[elary]

Wow, so many similarities to my own BPD mother! After years of pulling back and not wanting to engage with her (and feeling guilty), I'm finally cutting communication (temporarily, at least) with my mom. I'd suggest the same to you and your sister. It sounds like you both need a break- I know I do. Take some time, get some clarity around your relationship with her. If/when you talk again and you don't get that legit apology, say goodbye. And then decide if you want to revisit. This is my plan, at least.

I wish us both the best of luck! We can do this and we deserve to be free of other people's toxicity.

[Panda39]

Hi Grace,
Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm glad you've found us and decided to jump in and post.  As elary said in her post you most definitely are not alone when dealing with a BPD mom.

My mom did some pretty terrible things in response. Including texting us messages about how selfish we are and scolding us for our lack of compassion. She even went so far as to say that we are the kind of people that have made the suicide rate so high. She posted publicly on Facebook a super passive aggressive message about how some people shouldn't offer help to those suffering with depression if they can't fulfill that role. Of course she decided to tag both my sister and I in the post. I in return didn't respond, but did blocked her.

This sounds like FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail and it sounds as though you recognize it for what it is which is good. 
More on FOG... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

By blocking her you are setting a boundary which is a really important tool when it comes to having someone with BPD in our lives.  Boundaries are not about punishing anyone but about protecting ourselves and our values.  Blocking hurtful and manipulative facebook posts makes perfect sense to me.

Also, I want to validate that you and your sister are responsible for your lives work and school are what you should be doing as young women.  Managing your mother's emotions is not your job.  It is okay to be in touch with her or not when you want to be not because you are being pressured to be. 

I will add though if suicide threats become more prevalent or more overt you do have the option to call 911 and have them do a wellness check on your mom.  By calling 911 you keep her safe, you get professionals involved, and you are not rescuing/dealing with this situation on your own.

I desperately want a genuine apology before talking to her again. The thing is I don't know if I'll ever get the apology and I don't know how to move forward with her if she doesn't acknowledge the impact of her insults.

I know this is what you need, (and frankly you deserve an apology) but what if she is not capable of this?  There might be a little wishing your mom would act in a way someone without BPD would act.  Could you accept her as she is with her emotional limitations and accept that an apology may not come?

Panda39

[Pina colada]

Hi.  You and your sister have salon on your plate.  I think Panda has some great thoughts.  I too would only add that if your expectation of your mom is an apology, has she apologized in the past?  If so, are her apologies sincere?  Unfortunately I feel those of us that have danced with the devil often times expect a disordered individual to act how a non disordered person would.  I was guilty of that myself, for a long time.  It's only recently I realized I was getting angry at a snake for acting like a snake.  The truth is, BPD and personality disordered exhibit certain traits.  For me, I had to work on letting go of the expectation that they (Disordered people) would somehow act like a decent and kind person would.  It takes a while and constant reading and reminding myself but when we let go of that expectation, it is easier to make decisions on how to handle things.  I applaud you for setting strong boundaries in place as you did when you blocked mom on FB.  Let us know how things are going.