New babies... I’m concerned

[Charlie3236]

My BPD little sis just had twin baby girls 4 months ago, and I’m very concerned about their safety and well-being. I moved 2200 miles away from her to get away from all the chaos and madness that was directed at me for most of my adult life living near her. It’s been bliss!

But now there’s these two beautiful little girls, and there’s nothing I can do to protect them from the chaos that is my sister’s constant reality. I’m not their Godmother, I’ve never even met them, yet this is a constant pull on my heart strings. Is it possible for a BPD mother to NOT mess up her children’s psyche? I pray for these babies every day. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated! 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

What sort of support system does your sister have near her?  The father of her kids?  Your parents?  Friends?  Usually having a strong support system of people who are familiar with the dysfunctional behaviors and who are able to use tools to help cope and improve the situation will go a long way in terms of helping.  The kids will need loving, validating and healthy interactions with others where they can get what they won't get from their mother. 

Do you think that will be possible?

[Charlie3236]

Thanks for your response Harry! Yes my sister does have a big support system to help with the babies. Her husband and my family are very enabling for her, but everyone definitely knows she has major issues, and are available for her most of the time. So I’m hoping that having somewhat emotionally stable family will at least help the twins. 

[zachira]

What I hear is you can not stand to be around your sister with BPD yet you do love and care about her new babies even though you have never met them. I want you to know that you can make a difference in the lives of your nieces while having very little contact with your sister, and it can make a big difference even though you may not see your nieces often. Like my aunts and uncles on both sides of the family who were the scapegoats, I was the scapegoat of the family. I did not see these aunts and uncles often, yet they loved me and showed me that they cared from time to time through small acts of kindness, that were major influences in my being able to see that I was not the unlovable undesirable person that my parents made me out to be. I have fond memories of adults who gave me just five minutes of attention and care that made a big difference in my life. I had an aunt and other relatives that never forgot to send me a birthday card. When do you think you might be seeing your nieces for the first time? What do you think about playing a small yet important part in the lives of your nieces?

[Charlie3236]

Zachira thank you so much for those words! That’s what I hope for us, that I can be a positive influence on the girls no matter how little time we get to spend together! Thank you for sharing the wisdom of your personal experience with this. Also, the word scapegoat definitely resonates with me... I got the brunt of BPD little sis’s wrath until I left 1.5 years ago. Now she has transferred the smear campaign to her MIL, which is sad bc she’s actually a lovely woman who spends a LOT of her time helping take care of the twins.

Not sure when I’ll be ready for a visit. Probably not any time soon, but you’ve made it clear that it will be a good idea for the future! 

[zachira]

Glad to hear what I had to say was helpful. It warms my heart to know that you will be in the twins' lives and you will be making a positive difference. Aunts and uncles love their nieces and nephews in special ways as they are relatives, and often the backup if something happens to the parents. I am also glad to hear that the MIL is the kind of person who belongs in the twins lives. It is not surprising that your sister is mounting a smear campaign against her MIL. I literally listened to hundreds of hours of my parents saying terrible things about my aunts and uncles who were the scapegoats and who helped me is so many ways. I now think that my parents were jealous of anybody who could give me the love that they could not provide. So sad to hear that you were the target of your sister's smear campaign. My uncle's wife who stepped into help me was the target of a terrible smear campaign by my mother until she moved out of town. Then my father's sister became the target of my mother's smear campaign.
 

[Charlie3236]

It’s amazing how crafty and manipulative they are that way! My BPD little sis can be quite convincing about people. It took me years to figure out her games (45 years to be exact)!

Anyway, glad we both “awoke” and got out!