BPD & the Helping Dynamic, Part Two

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

I suspect that I used helping as a shield to deflect the wrath of my BPDxW.  Helping seemed like a good way to keep the peace.  In other words, helping provided me with a cover.  It gave me the appearance of being a supportive spouse and, on the surface, seemed to do no harm.  Helping was Win/Win, right?

I'm vacuuming, see?  I'm buying the groceries, right?  I'm making lunches for the kids, OK?  I'm cutting the grass, give me a break.

Yet I was doing harm to myself, which I couldn't admit to myself.  I was denying my own deep feelings of unhappiness by keeping up a front of industriousness.  I suppressed my own shame about being a male victim of female abuse.  I ran myself into the ground "helping" until there was nothing left in the tank.  Eventually I suffered a crash landing, which was not fun and no help to anyone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that "helping" a pwBPD can be a way to avoid one's own issues.  Better to confront the deep wounds and grow.  Helping only postpones the process.

LuckyJim

[Sandb2015]

Lucky Jim,

Thanks for sharing that.

I guess we have to examine what we have don'e to compensate when put in the precarious situation of "not pulling the grenade pin".

I've done that very much, "helping", I got it, don't worry, I'll make it.

Once had a discussion that was shocking, because she wouldn't come out and say rationally clearthings that bothered her.

Once while she said she had to make a protein shake, I insisted to make it while she was doing something else...she reluctantly agreed.

After I was finishing the last part of the process (not complicated), I went over the mark or the water was too hot and she couldn't hold it in anymore.

She said calmly (I was shocked) that I always insist and I feel bad not to let you and I get angry and I don't want to get angry and I know you have the best intentions...I thought this was the beginning of something wonderful...semi adult communication in a rs.  

I listened...after learning here many tools, I listened.  I thanked her for sharing and validated her big-time for her courage to share.

In return, I said I would have felt somewhat rejected if you don't let me or prevent me from helping, she said, "see, that's our problem".  I said, "now that you made that clear and I love to help you, you sometimes work so hard, I will listen, not be offended or feel rejected and you won't feel uncomfortable about saying no to helping anymore".  Her response, "I don't think so".  It started nice and got lost somewhere...

We, the male "nons" do end up compensating in ways you mentioned and it is a terrible thing for us whether it's out of sincerity or a shield...


Your post brings up so many things...yuck.

[Barnabus]

I think I'm very guilty of this helping "syndrome". I pretty much did everything. I worked, she stayed home (raised 4 kids so no a complete bum...) and then after the kids left, she did nothing but laundry and stuff around the house. I fixed everything that was broken. I bought 95% of the groceries. I planned and organized any vacations. I made her coffee and took it to her every morning for 35+ years. I did more than half of the cooking. I kept the peace in the family at any cost - apologizing for things I didn't even do, while she never, and I mean NEVER apologized. She wanted to argue about everything, while shifting blame for any problem on to me. She gaslighted about important issues. Literally every time I tried to talk to her it ended up in a fight, while at the same time she would say we need to communicate with each other. I begged her to let's just be nice to each other. She couldn't do it.

Then early in 2017 I snapped and said I wasn't going to keep living this lie, and that we could continue to co-exist in the same house but that was about it.

And the drama really got intensified.

And here we are now, separated 1 1/2 years and almost a year into a high conflict divorce. She has alienated me from 3 (my daughters) of my 4 kids along with my sister and other close friends. I'm trying to just move on and she is doing everything in her power to prevent that.

And it's 100% my fault... Go figure...