I tried to live with her for the first time. That didn't go very well.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

First, I would like to thank everyone for the opportunity to become part of this online community. I will begin by briefly describing my relationship with my mother, who has BPD. I was actually raised by my maternal grandparents as a child, but I still stayed with my mom often. Sometimes she can be fun and easy to get along with, but her mood can shift rapidly, and she becomes extremely emotionally volatile. Something I might see as a slight annoyance or someone being mildly inconsiderate might set her off for hours or days. The ways she sees me, and my brother, tends to be polar. She either sees us as "the best kids in the world" or she basically hates us. I actually tried to live with her recently for the first time, because I took a job near where she lived (I'm 27).  That didn't go very well. She became extremely controlling, among other issues. Now that I've moved out, I would eventually like to start trying to heal our relationship, while maintaining healthy boundaries. I would also like to influence her to get help (possibly including family thepary), but I don't think she believes she has a problem. Note, she has been diagnosed, but I'm not sure that she buys it.

[MissKristin]

Hello,

First, I would like to thank everyone for the opportunity to become part of this online community. I will begin by briefly describing my relationship with my mother, who has BPD. I was actually raised by my maternal grandparents as a child, but I still stayed with my mom often. Sometimes she can be fun and easy to get along with, but her mood can shift rapidly, and she becomes extremely emotionally volatile. Something I might see as a slight annoyance or someone being mildly inconsiderate might set her off for hours or days. The ways she sees me, and my brother, tends to be polar. She either sees us as "the best kids in the world" or she basically hates us. I actually tried to live with her recently for the first time, because I took a job near where she lived (I'm 27).  That didn't go very well. She became extremely controlling, among other issues. Now that I've moved out, I would eventually like to start trying to heal our relationship, while maintaining healthy boundaries. I would also like to influence her to get help (possibly including family thepary), but I don't think she believes she has a problem. Note, she has been diagnosed, but I'm not sure that she buys it.

[JNChell]

Hi, MissKristen. Welcome to  bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you had to find us, but I’m glad that you did.

Your mother is hurting you as an adult. You mentioned boundaries. Would you like to set boundaries to safeguard your emotions from your mother? What would you like to see happen?

An actual BPD diagnosis is rare around here. How can we help?

[once removed]

what happened when you tried to live with her? in what ways was she controlling?

[MissKristin]

I didn't mind making plans to do stuff with her. In fact, I wanted to get closer, but I felt like instead of asking like "hey, do you want to do this on this day", she was constantly making plans for us, and getting mad if I couldn't do it. I expected to have a little more privacy also. I understand wanting to know what time to expect me home, because of safety, but she was constantly grilling me about where I was and what I was doing, like I was a teenager.

I felt like no matter what I did it wasn't enough. I was paying all the bills, and she was paying the mortgage, which I felt was pretty fair. I also purchased most of the groceries. She receives partial disability, and wasn't working most of the time. She is actually starting a part-time job this Monday, which I'm happy about. I didn't mind that she wasn't able to work, but she would be full of energy when I got home from work, and didn't understand me being tired or needing to unwind. I did house chores when I got home, most of the time, but if I put it off one night, she acted like I never did anything to help.

I know most of the issues seem normal, but her reactions are extreme.

[MissKristin]

I just want to be able to have a relationship with her, without her trying to control every aspect of my life. I work at a chemical manufacturing plant, and she doesn't like that, because she thinks it dangerous. I understand her right to that opinion, but she just doesn't back off, when I tell her that I like my job. She got mad at me, because I was using a hair brush that was missing bristles, and she thought it was going to rip my hair out. It probably was, and I wanted to replace it, but she literally said "I've told you twice now to throw this out" like I was 10! These are just a few examples, of her controlling behavior.

[JNChell]

Hi. I think I mispelled your screen name on the first go round. So, your mom is on your ass 24/7?

[JNChell]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[MissKristin]

Yes.

[JNChell]

What does an ideal relationship with your mother look like for you?

[MissKristin]

I want us to be able to hang out and make plans together, but I don't want to feel responsible for her happiness. I want to be able to support each other, and ask her for advice, in a way that is appropriate for my age.

[JNChell]

These are reasonable things to want from a mother. You’re wise in not wanting to be responsible for her happiness. That would be a burden on you and it would take up a lot of emotional space.

Do you think that she is able to give you good advice? Do you actually want the advice, or do you just want her to try?