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Author Topic: Scary forever thinking on my part  (Read 967 times)
Lollypop
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« on: March 23, 2019, 03:20:50 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

My son28 lives very close by to us in a converted garage of a “liberal” neighbour. His landlady is now divorced and the house put up for sale. It sold and he was given notice to leave in January.

We talked about it and agreed what level of practical help he thought he needed from us. When the sale fell through he breathed a sigh of relief and settled back to the path of least resistance.

I’ve nudged  him here and there. He announced he was going to save and go travelling. He doesn’t want to waste his money on rent! . Using an opportunity to improve his financial skills, to spend less on luxury food (organic stuff) and of course drugs, I reminded him he earns enough to support a young family. He can easily change his living situation or travel. He’s been much more motivated in general since and has started dating again. There’s been a positive shift.

The house is now sold again. Younger son said he was surprised that son28  hadn’t called me in a panic. I mentioned it in passing the next time he called about his new lady friend - of course she’s perfect!. son28 says “after last time,  I know it won’t happen so I’m not worried.”  This means he will do nothing - path of least resistance again.

It could drive me crazy!  The behaviours never cease to amaze me. I’m in a state of quiet amusement as I watch and don’t react.

Thinking about Huat and some  of the others here who have adult children in their 40s and 50s - it makes me understand how the longevity and constant cycle of ups and downs may wear you down. This is even when you’ve got your power toolkit to keep you armed up and protected.

Those fears for the future can bite can’t they?

My fear isn’t for him. My fear is for me.

I’ve been learning to cope with the day to day. I can now see 6 months ahead now with some reasonable rational prediction. I’ve been so so so present. Relative stability shows me a very long future of much the same.

That is scary...predicted future of much the same - .this is forever. I need my toolkit and detachment forever. Will I get tired?

I think I’m feeling this because I can see son28’s future.

But my own future is exciting and unknown - as son18 goes to uni hIs is too. It brings a mixture of guilt, responsibility to son28 - will we choose to stay close to him and is that the right decision?  

I know the answers already. Stay present. Yes, BPD is forever. Do what you need to do for yourselves. The kids will sort their own lives out. Be there for them emotionally.

I’m thinking things through as I write.

LP

Ps. My brothers life was chaotic. In one terrible tragic drama my Mum flew over to be with him and his 2nd family. I remember her words as I got her from the airport “I’m too old for this shxx”. 



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Huat
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« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2019, 11:14:24 AM »

Hi Lollypop

Just read through your post and as serious as it is...gotta say I chuckled at the the "organic"...and "drugs" part.  Bit of an oxymoron that, huh?  God knows we need to be in-tuned to find those chuckles in our lives...our "fuel boosters."

Loved that comment of your Mom's, too...have been known to say those words myself more than once.

There is a eclectic group of women I meet up with on a regular basis.  In spite of all the diversity, we have a bond.   For a while now, one of the group has not been attending because she is suffering from anxiety.  I am privy to this woman's private life (well, as "privy" as one can be without being a fly-on-the-wall).  She has no money problems...she has a loving and doting husband ...her children are professionals, in what seem to be stable marriages...her grandchildren are in one university or another or travelling the world.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I am not making light of "anxiety."  It can be a very serious mental illness that could afflict any one of us.    I truly am sorry for my friend.

So...during our get-togethers if/when the brag-books come out, for the most part I sit and smile and stay silent or find the need to go to the loo.  Do I drop a bomb by telling them we had an intervention with one of ours because of a drug problem?  Do I read off one of the caustic emails I got from the other?  Do I tell them that we don't see our grandchildren because they feel we have hurt their mother?   I have shared some of my life with these friends.  They know I face hurdles.  For the most part, though, they don't ask questions of me.  Sometimes there is that elephant in the room.

I will support my friend as best I can and I sincerely hope she is able to get better soon but in the back of my mind I am thinking..."YOU have anxiety?"

Hang in, Lollypop!  I know from reading your posts that there is humour in your soul.  Cultivate it!  Keep sharing!

Huat
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Lollypop
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2019, 12:38:16 PM »

Excerpt
gotta say I chuckled at the the "organic"...and "drugs" part

Hi Huat  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Our “normal” is hilarious actually. I forget that sometimes.

I’m glad you’ve got a good group of friends. Ooohhh that elephant in the room - gosh we’ve a lot of them on this forum. I need a bigger house!

Hugs

LP
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zachira
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« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2019, 01:10:54 PM »

I hear your heartbreak over knowing that you will likely be subject to your son's meltdowns and dysfunctional behaviors until the end of your life. You are dreading what he might do next that will be upsetting and you know from past experience that it will happen and you don't know what he might do. I have read many of your posts and admire how you have supported your son while setting appropriate boundaries and standards for him based on his abilities and how you support other parents on this site. I think I can somewhat identify with your concerns even though my challenges are somewhat different from yours. I have a mother and two siblings with BPD and NPD. I did everything I could like you have to examine my part in the dynamics and to heal my sorrow and pain. I then realized that there was a new stage in dealing with my challenging family members, which is being prepared that nothing is going to change, in that there will always be a new round of terrible behaviors that can be overwhelming for me unless I develop a new mind set. I have been practicing meditation and mindfulness skills that keep me in the present and allow me to process any emotions that might overwhelm me in the next family meltdown, and I am finally experiencing some true peace and hope for the future. I know your situation is different in that this is your son and you wish only the best for him and you would like to be able to done with having to look out for him. The key could be more self care for yourself so he takes more responsibility for himself, or at the minimum you are less impacted by his behaviors. Just my thoughts which may or may not be helpful at all.
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Mirsa
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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2019, 02:00:15 PM »

Hi all,
Over the past month I've listened twice to an audioseries of talks by Brene Brown, called The Power of Vunerability.  She is a researcher and talks about shame and vunerability.  It's been very, very helpful to me.  I found it at the library.  She defines vunerability as the strength to be self-aware enough about your own dark moments, to be able to share your authentic self and sit with others in their own darkness.  

It's an interesting definition, but I see it reflected in these boards every day:  Huat, making conscious decisions to choose empathy over exasperation; Lollypop, realizing that detachment and grief will be lifelong things to practice, not goals to be accomplished; Zachira, sharing the ways she builds strength and compassion.  

thank you everyone
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« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2019, 01:55:49 AM »

Hi Lollypop,

Unfortunately, I have learned that other people don't understand what we are going through. I have lost some friendships, because I can't bare explaining what my "real" life is like to them. Plus I would just ended up crying. Our son 18 is supposed to be graduating this year. Not sure that is going to actually happen & my heart is breaking for the both of us.

I'm pretty sure that I read somewhere that some people grow out of BPD, which I am definitely hoping for. I'm pretty sure that's what happened to my dad, who was never treated or diagnosed, but acted exactly like our son acts. 

Glad that you have a sense of humor to help you navigate this BPD world. My son was only diagnosed a few weeks ago & I'm a long ways away from humor.
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« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2019, 07:24:59 PM »

Lollypop,
I can relate so clearly to your feelings of “forever”.  Lately, this has sometimes seemed overwhelming.  While my daughter 20, has made some gains since she suddenly moved out a year and a half ago, she still has few independent problem solving skills.  She calls me for everything from “I’m getting sick again...why would I be getting another cold?” (She eats poorly and doesn’t sleep well.)..to problems with roommates eating her food.  She has trouble regulating her emotions, has quit therapy (another therapist that didn’t provide what she wanted), and is not on any meds. The never-ending cycle! 
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Lollypop
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« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2019, 12:20:29 PM »

Hi

When we give up control we do become vulnerable don’t we. I hadn’t thought about that aspect of acceptance.

Self care crops up again and again.

1hope - you can ride it with your daughter I’m sure if it. The distance must help a lot in keeping perspective.

Stomping - you’ll catch yourself when you find something funny. For me, it was my son24 buying himself a cheap belt and removing the rope he used to keep his trousers up. It was a blessing that day!  You’ll get there by being gentle with yourself.

Mirsa - I’ll check the vulnerability audioseries out.

Zachira - absolutely, I want to be free but that’ll never truly be achievable for us. When I say free, I mean totally equal with my son. I am responsible for myself, he himself. We meet in the middle - this is because we love each other. I want to be free from his problems. I guess I’ve some more work to do as I thought I was fully detached. Utopia doesn’t exist!

Thanks guys

LP
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Lollypop
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« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2019, 02:16:54 PM »

Lightbulb moment.

It’s not freedom I seek.

It’s peace.
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« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2019, 09:56:18 PM »

Yay!   Is that a full circle LP, in the sense of recognising and accepting peace, rather than scary forever thinking on your part.

Peace is a good choice, I look forward to hearing more  

WDx  
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« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2019, 01:48:12 AM »

I really relate to what you are saying about peace. I think that is my goal too, learning to accept what I cannot change and letting go. I am Christian and I also appreciate the wisdom of Buddhism. A Buddhist concept that works for me is the idea that pain is inevitable in life but suffering is not. In the context of loving my BPD son that means accepting the fact that I am going to hurt and being at peace with it and not turning the pain into suffering by attaching more stuff to it like judging myself or my son as bad or less than others. Is that something like you are going through too?
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« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2019, 02:29:17 AM »

I'm a long ways from "peace".

Guess I'm still in the "why us phase?" Our son can barely make it to school on time w/ all the things he needs. Before all of this, he was an Honor Roll student taking honors & AP classes. Now has short term memory issues. During his meltdowns he actually calls himself "retarded", which isn't a word that gets used in our house.

What will the future look like in regards to graduating high school, a first job, attending a local community college? Then if he's not a FT student, might have to get him his own health insurance policy, which won't be cheap...
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Lollypop
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« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2019, 03:25:59 AM »

Hi

Sorry for getting a bit deep here. I’ve been seeking radical acceptance through detachment. To some extent I’ve succeeded. We get on with life, we watch and emotionally support now and then. It’s the small moments that are the most influential in son28’s stabilisation - moments when he would have become dysregulated. I can see he’s definitely much more resilient.

What is acceptance?  That we cannot change or control others.

radical acceptance is something like “it is what it is, there’s no point complaining or wishing things were different.”

I’ve no hope that things will alter for son28 or me. We are in a constant now (for now).  It’s like I’ve reached my goal. It’s almost as if things can’t get any better. Obviously they could, say, son28 sought treatment, got himself clean, had a deep meaningful relationship with a woman. However, I know that these won’t happen - or are extremely unlikely to happen. I’d like them to but there’s little hope for it. I feel we are at stalemate.

But I’ve discovered that my stalemate isn’t that great. Its just more of the same - the rollercoaster may have gone and it’s replaced by a rickety train going over small humps now and then. I feel a bit guilty writing this because compared to the absolute chaos and crisis some are facing right now I should be grateful. I am grateful and proud of what we’ve achieved - but there’s no more progress ahead.

I could progress my own personal development but to be perfectly honest I’m tired. I haven’t the energy or the motivation.

I guess I’m still working on radical acceptance. I now see that this is indeed forever, realistically there will be little more progression. I’d like to find some peace in that but finding it a challenge. Perhaps I should turn back to gratefulness - perhaps that’s where peace lies.

LP

Ps. Stomping - hearing your son refer to himself as retarded must bite. I found that by not referring to the label “BPD” and talking about limitations when feeling anxious helped all of us. Expressing our feelings a lot more in day to day life normalised feelings of anxiety and low self worth. I’ve found from my experiencevthat men find it difficult to express themselves and their feelings. It can be nurtured - even in adults. It’s never too late.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 03:37:34 AM by Lollypop » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2019, 09:15:45 AM »

Thank you LP for being so honest with your feelings! I can relate. There are so many stages we go through with BPD. I remember when my daughter was 16 still living with us prior to diagnosis and it was complete and utter chaos daily. Now she is 27 diagnosed at 24 and does not live with us. Daily life is more peaceful however she has 3 children only has custody of one. Her first 2 live with their father who we have a good relationship with him and we do get to see them thank god! However she hasn’t seen them in over 2 years. So even though we don’t have daily battles the worries are greater because children are involved! I have come to terms with the daughter I have. I try to separate the BPD from my DD. I love her I hate BPD. I know that she is going to make impulsive and usually poor decisions. I have no control over that. I let her know that I love her but she has to live with the consequences of her decisions not me. She has to clean up her own messes. All that being said it still hurts to see her struggle and I have to fight the overwhelming feeling to step in and make it all better. I am also trying so hard to find peace. It really helped when faith love hope spoke about accepting that you may have to live with hurt accepting that that will always be apart of my life but I don’t need to suffer with it. Acceptance is freeing in a way. I accept that there will be good and bad days and we all know that bad days with BPD are pretty bad, so I am going to chose to celebrate the good days the simple success that may seem small to others but are huge for our kids. I also am so thankful for this group. It has helped me so much and I am learning each day. Maybe by sharing our pain it lessens just a little and that is something I think I will celebrate today. So thank you again! I hope you can find a small win to celebrate today!
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Lollypop
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« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2019, 11:41:16 AM »

Hi sadnana

You remind me of the need to celebrate more. It’s a form of gratefulness. You also kindly remind me to try and stay present. That’s all we have isn’t it?

I’m so glad to hear that you get to see your grandchildren. That truly is a blessing.

I don’t know what I’d do without this safe place to vent, explore and share. Life ain’t easy - never a truer word said!

LP
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« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2019, 09:31:34 PM »

“It’s not freedom I seek.  It’s peace”

So true...that’s all I want too. 
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