need help/suggestions setting boundaries

[returntolove]

I have been with my partner for >10 yrs (married with son)...want to stay together but i feel his mental health is getting worse OR my ability to remain sane is getting worse.  His diagnosis was schizophrenia/schizoaffective/bipolar over the last 20 yrs but I never agreed with any of them.  My counselor kept telling me it sounds like BPD. Read Valerie Moss' book and I DEFINITELY agree he has BPD.  crazy.    Tears are frequent and I feel his anger is escalating (not physically violent toward people but inanimate objects).  I know he is suffering but how do I draw the line when things get Out of control.  Don't want our son to constantly be witnessing this... What has worked for you?Thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi returntolove and welcome to the family 

We have a lot of information and tools at our disposal that might be helpful in your situation as well. Feel free to look around the boards, share your experiences with others and discuss anything you come across that resonates with you. Although we can't change our loved one's behaviors, we can change how we react to them and thereby steer our relationships into healthier territory. This lesson on ending conflict might be a good start, as well as this one: Don't "JADE".
What du you think?

[No-One]

I have been with my partner for >10 yrs (married with son)...want to stay together but i feel his mental health is getting worse OR my ability to remain sane is getting worse.  His diagnosis was schizophrenia/schizoaffective/bipolar over the last 20 yrs but I never agreed with any of them.  My counselor kept telling me it sounds like BPD.  Tears are frequent and I feel his anger is escalating (not physically violent toward people but inanimate objects).  I know he is suffering but how do I draw the line when things get Out of control.  Don't want our son to constantly be witnessing this...

I'd like to join Purplex in welcoming you.

Just wondering if your husband is currently getting meds for his symptoms, and perhaps some counseling?  Whatever the diagnosis, meds are generally prescribed to deal with the symptoms.  Are the tears and anger happening at the same time, or on different days?  

If he has been on meds, could he have stopped taking them completely or perhaps a lower dose?  Perhaps he needs different meds?

Has your husband ever been receptive to learning about distress tolerance and healthy ways to self sooth?

I can understand that you are concerned about how your husband's behavior might negatively impact your son.  Is that something you can discuss with your husband?

Perhaps you husband can get a punching bag and install it in the garage.  It could be a more healthy way to channel his anger and get a workout at the same time.  Physical activity can help take some steam away from anger.

[returntolove]

Thank you for the suggestions .  I have brought the punching bag idea up before.  Maybe it’s time to buy one.  I have brought up how I believe he is influencing our 9 yr old and how he manages his relationship.  Today I’m staying at my dads house as we cannot go a day without arguing... I know I’m too “critical” in his mind but I feel like I need to talk about “real” life issues -like bills and food and he starts attacking me if I sound an inkling negative about his behavior...he has been on zyprexa his whole life a variety of doses, he recently started using pot after being sober for yrs too.  I don’t think his meds are helping (never have) and I don’t think the pot is either.  He is slow to seek or accept help from professionals...

Thank you , Purplex,  I will check out the ending conflict. 

[Enabler]

Hey returntolove,

Welcome to  bpdfamily. When you talk about 'real life', I wonder if you are able to put yourself in his shoes... this isn't a you're wrong, you're right thing, adults running a household need to sit down and discuss bills and money etc... this is just an attempt for you to experience the conversation through his eyes. Simply put, there are emotional pulses that in you and I don't even register on the Richter scale, but in him they do. For example, a collective word in the context of finances could be 'responsibility'. Responsibility (which he likely doesn't want as that spells 'risk') is 'put on him' or attacked by you just by the fact that you want to talk about bills responsibility. Despite my W having a university degree she will claim that she doesn't get a simple concept like paying back a debt over a period of time... this is her way of deflecting responsibility AT ALL COSTS. She's more than happy to spend money as that gives her positive emotions.

Have a think and tell us what you think about his potential experience.

Enabler   

[an0ught]

Hi returntolove,

I know I’m too “critical” in his mind but I feel like I need to talk about “real” life issues -like bills and food and he starts attacking me if I sound an inkling negative about his behavior.

you are keeping the relationship anchored in reality and that is a big contribution to long term stability. Dealing with facts can be hard as facts are stubborn. There is a technique called S.E.T. which is tailored to communicate about facts in a way that is less triggering and more effective with pwBPD (it works on everyone but it is key in BPD relationships see https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0.

As you describe yourself as someone who is not afraid of addressing hard realities, the missing bit for SET (besides the right order of things) would be focusing to develop solid validation skills. SET should come natural then.

,
a0

[returntolove]

Thank you for the suggestion.  I will check SET.  I definitely need validation language help.  My spouse and I are on a BPD waiting list which I’m hoping will help us in the long run.