Final email

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all.

I have prepared my final email but I have not sent it yet. I wanted to get a few points across:

I cannot accept no apology.
Her problems are not mine.
I do not wish for further contact.
Everything is already in place.

I also wanted to come across in a respectful yet firm way, she needs to finally "get it".

Feel free to critique.

Again I understand that it took a lot for you to reach out and I respect that.

The thing that bothers me is that there has been no apology or accountability for the way you have treated me and those I love.

I see this as a barrier between you and me building better relations and for that reason I am declining your offer to meet.

I think that the issues/problems that you have are not mine and have nothing to do with me. I suggest you confide in those closest to you.

This is going to be a big year for me and the kids and I think it's best if I concentrate on that.

Child maintenance and access to the children has been arranged for some time and the only thing left to discuss was divorce. I have explained to you my plans regarding this so I no longer see any reason to communicate.

I would ask you to not contact me again.

[Longterm]

Hi all.

I have prepared my final email but I have not sent it yet. I wanted to get a few points across:

I cannot accept no apology.
Her problems are not mine.
I do not wish for further contact.
Everything is already in place.

I also wanted to come across in a respectful yet firm way, she needs to finally "get it".

Feel free to critique.

Again I understand that it took a lot for you to reach out and I respect that.

The thing that bothers me is that there has been no apology or accountability for the way you have treated me and those I love.

I see this as a barrier between you and me building better relations and for that reason I am declining your offer to meet.

I think that the issues/problems that you have are not mine and have nothing to do with me. I suggest you confide in those closest to you.

This is going to be a big year for me and the kids and I think it's best if I concentrate on that.

Child maintenance and access to the children has been arranged for some time and the only thing left to discuss was divorce. I have explained to you my plans regarding this so I no longer see any reason to communicate.

I would ask you to not contact me again.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi Longterm,

I believe this is a good and to the point last e-mail.
It is very simular to my last writtenletter that I sent last year in April.
Additionally I changed my cell phone number to show her that I'm serious and not available anymore.

Hope is goes well

[Longterm]

Hi Friend.

Thanks, I may change a few bits though because she has stated she would not admit adultery, I may tell her I will change my stance and say a 2yr separation in the hopes she just signs.

I mean either way she's going to be p1ssed because all she will see when she reads that is "rejection".

So you sent a letter almost a year ago Right, have you been lucky enough to be left alone?

[once removed]

i think that what the letter gets across is that youre only willing to talk to her if she apologizes. one of the co-parenting tools is to learn not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). more on this here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

if you want to keep your language, i might shorten it to this:

I understand that it took a lot for you to reach out and I respect that.

The thing that bothers me is that there has been no apology or accountability for the way you have treated me and those I love.

I see this as a barrier between you and me building better relations and for that reason I am declining your offer to meet.

I think that the issues/problems that you have are not mine and have nothing to do with me. I suggest you confide in those closest to you.

This is going to be a big year for me and the kids and I think it's best if I concentrate on that.

Child maintenance and access to the children has been arranged for some time and the only thing left to discuss was divorce. I have explained to you my plans regarding this so I no longer see any reason to communicate.

I would ask you to not contact me again. (some variation of "best wishes")

[JNChell]

Hey, Longterm. I totally agree that shortening your email is the best way to go. once removed is spot on. If you send too much, you leave a lot of room for argument and unpleasant rebuttal, which you don’t want. Keep it simple, respectful and to the point. This might be a good opportunity to start setting some healthy boundaries. Thoughts?

[Longterm]

I thought I did pretty well. That's actually the 3rd draft. I waffled on on the 1st, narrowed it down on the 2nd and simplified it on the 3rd.

From what she has said she wishes to see me and talk to me

I felt like I gave good reasons for not wanting to participate. I know she will never apologise. Coparenting is not my goal, I don't think it will ever be possible if I'm honest.

I completely understand trying to limit how much I say because of arguments and I did have this in mind.

I just want her to leave me alone tbh so I can screw my head back on.

Hmmmm, much to think on. I do appreciate the feedback though.

[Longterm]

Hmm, that JADE link is very thought provoking.

[Longterm]

Let's say that I send what you suggested once removed.

I imagine her sending something like this:
"Are you going to meet me then?" Or
"You didn't answer the question"

Surely explaining why I don't wish to meet is beneficial for me? I think if I ignore her question it will lead to further communication which I don't want.

I stress over the most basic things Right?

[Red5]

We hear a lot here about ‘accountability’... ie’ the pw/BPD needs to learn to respect boundaries... in a sense.

Your wife is living with another man, which on the face of it is wholly unacceptable in the fact that yourself and her are still married.

She wants to meet and “talk”... ok, that’s her wish... but you certainly do not have to oblige her.

Something along the same lines, scenario happened to me in the last days of my first marriage, and even after the divorce was final.

I had custody of our then teenage children... that said... I can in many ways understand where you are at in real time... my ex was also “with another man” prior to, and after we divorced, and she is still with him today,

I remember writing her, after she too “wanted to return”... something like this as I remember...

“ you have chosen the path that you are currently traveling, and I wish you all the happiness and freedom that you have so desperately sought for so long now, I am sorry, but I do not wish to see you or speak with you, you will continue to be in my prayers, good luck to you, and I hope that you find what it is that you seek in your life “

We’ve been divorced now for about thirteen years.

I agree with the others, keep it short and simple, do not give your wife anything to “awfulize” about.

I’ve made this mistake many times (JADE) with my current wife.

I think your on a good and healthy track, keep posting,

Kind regards, Red5

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi Friend.

Thanks, I may change a few bits though because she has stated she would not admit adultery, I may tell her I will change my stance and say a 2yr separation in the hopes she just signs.

I mean either way she's going to be p1ssed because all she will see when she reads that is "rejection".

So you sent a letter almost a year ago Right, have you been lucky enough to be left alone?

Yes, she left me alone, but that's what I expected from her. She is functional quiet BPD.
Fortunately we were 'friends' and not intimate.
The friendship never felt like one.

Good luck to you!

[Longterm]

Hi Red5.

Yes, I think it's morally incorrect to be asking your ex (married or not) to be meeting up without your current partners knowledge.

Furthermore I don't think I should be meeting her behind her partners back either, it just doesn't sit well with me.

It's just a difficult situation and I will be happier when back in full NC.

@Friend, thank you.

[once removed]

I imagine her sending something like this:

you can certainly add some filler, be clearer, personalize it a bit. my point is filter out the blame, the JADE stuff. i think that "i think its best if i concentrate on that" + "all the best" does pretty clearly answer the question, though.

as for further communication? filter it to your trash folder.

[Longterm]

Right, I just got another email about an hour ago. I did expect one tbh asking me for my response.

Basically I'm a pr1ck and me not getting back to Her means I've messed up any chance of HER taking me back? Hopefully I can be a better role model for the kids and finally leave her alone? She has blocked my email and if I see her out and about I'm not allowed to talk to her?

I don't know about you guys but I'll take that.
   

That should at least Give me a few months to screw my head back on and concentrate on this move.

I blocked her email too, well spammed it, you know what I mean.

[JNChell]

This sounds pretty complex. She still wants you  to see the kids, but won’t communicate with you? What’s your take on that?

[Longterm]

It's just more confusion.

She's angry that I've not emailed back.
She won't take me back now.
She wants me to be a better role model.
She wants me to leave her alone.
If I see her I cannot talk to her.

Basically she just wants me to bite.

I see this as a win-win situation.

I'm not stressing over a final email anymore.
What she said was basically a load of crap but the end result is she's not talking to me, I don't want to talk to her so great stuff.

She will try again at some point but I have some breathing space right now to regroup.

[Red5]

Basically I'm a pr1ck and me not getting back to Her means I've messed up any chance of HER taking me back?

… priceless ; (

Meanwhile she is living with OM…

I remember my ex wife calling me up, out of the clear blue… right before I got remarried to my current uBPDw… and she said something to the effect… "well I guess that's the end of any chance of us getting back together"… (wow), at that point, December 2010:
*we had been divorced for over four years.
*she was still with the dude she left me (still is), and the kids for.
*she had/had a child with this man.

These "people" seem to know zero boundaries… zero "couth"… no "decorum"…

I'm sorry, but if my spouse ever beds down with OM, that's it… its over, get your fork out… its done.

I'd give her a "wide berth" Longterm… wow… "I've messed up any chance of HER taking me back?"…

You got to be kidding me,

Kind regards, Red5

[JNChell]

Listen to Red5. He’s been through the meat grinder and come out in tact. How are you currently feeling my friend?

[Longterm]

I can believe it red5.

I don't know what to say, it's like self entitlement overdrive. Decorum is a great word to use.

I said the other day that she said other stuff to the MIL. One of those things was "he better not pick colours for the new place without me, he's crap at interior design and I'm not living there if I can't pick the colours"

I mean I'm no psychologist but is that some sort of detachment from reality? I read that those with BPD are bordering on psychosis, is that what that is? Sorry if I sound dense.

She has been like this since 18-24mths before we split so around 3 and a half years altogether. What are people's opinions on this? Will she ever return to a stable condition?

Yes red5, that was going to be the goal of the final email, a wide berth.

I paid next month's child maintenance to her mother today. The goal of this was so I could avoid contacting her until early may.
She started talking about the ex again but I just shut her down, it felt quite rude but I've had enough of this crap.

I feel good JNChell, I achieved NC without doing anything. I'm not stressing anymore so that's good. I'm a bit miffed because the local CODA meetings are not at a time suitable for me so it looks like therapy or CBT will be my path to help with that. I booked an appt with my Dr today too

[JNChell]

Glad you booked an appointment.

[once removed]

She's angry that I've not emailed back.

angry, and hurt.

BPD traits involve tremendous rejection fears and sensitivities. think of a time youve stuck your heart on the line and made yourself most vulnerable. its frightening. and if you are rejected in the process, it can feel as if its a rejection of who you are as a person. for people with BPD traits, its like third degree burns.

one way some people cope with that is to reject the person they feel is rejecting them, kinda like "you cant fire me, i quit".

in this case, no, you probably shouldnt respond; it wouldnt be constructive.

[Longterm]

I hear you once removed.

NC is the best way forward for me.

I am just very poorly equipped to deal with her, I simply cannot deal with the whole situation and staying away works for me.

[Red5]

I said the other day that she said other stuff to the MIL. One of those things was "he better not pick colours for the new place without me, he's crap at interior design and I'm not living there if I can't pick the colours"

I mean I'm no psychologist but is that some sort of detachment from reality? I read that those with BPD are bordering on psychosis, is that what that is? Sorry if I sound dense.

I can concur here, uBPDw and I have had a couple of long phone calls over the last few months… she moved out, at my behest… long story, but I'll take responsibility for that.

Anyways, so she talks to me like she is still living here, I do wish she was actually, but on to the story… I like to tinker with small gas engines… so when I see an old string trimmer, chainsaw… an old lawnmower… at the dump, or along the side of the road, I'll pick it up, put it into that back of my old Silverado… and haul it off to my shed/shop, which is out of her sight, and I do keep the yard squared away… so anyways… one of her coworkers, former, now retired, before uBPDw resigned two years ago due to cancer… Mrs. Charlene and Mr. Bill gave me an old Murry 12 horse riding mower, it was worn "slap out"… the plan, take the old deck off, "soup it up", make a "donkey tractor" out of it, a "swamp racer" if you will… for my autistic Son to drive around the place…

Well, its still sitting in the shop, along with a lot of "other things"… "projects"… and two other tractors, well, this particular "project", she's got it in her mind, that I need to take it to the dump, I don't need it, I ain't never going to fix it up… its beyond repair, and it needs to go, like yesterday…

Well, I've refused… uh'… NO!

So… we've been separated now since 1 December… so one of the last long calls (counseling sessions)… she went on and on and on… about that little tractor… she wants it ~g-o-n-e ~!

But, now get this… "I don't know if I even love you Red5, I don't know if I'm ever coming back to "Live Oak Drive"… "I don't know what I want to do", "I don't want to give you false hope"…

But, in the next breath… she wants that little red Murry 12 horse the f_ out of ~here~!

ASLAP!

What kind of sense does that make…

This ain't me in this video, but it COULD be     !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VISXl53d3jQ

She is a pain in my @ss, uBPDw… she is hardheaded, stubborn, & pretty dang ornery… but I love her, yes I do… and if she promised to come back home, I take that little red tractor apart, and hide it in the rafters in the mezzanine deck topside in the shed… and I'd tell her a little "white lie", and say I "scrapped it"… yeah, I would…

Red5

[once removed]

I said the other day that she said other stuff to the MIL. One of those things was "he better not pick colours for the new place without me, he's crap at interior design and I'm not living there if I can't pick the colours"

I mean I'm no psychologist but is that some sort of detachment from reality? I read that those with BPD are bordering on psychosis, is that what that is? Sorry if I sound dense.

no. it isnt a detachment from reality. the decorating, slagging ones partner to family, is pretty common bickering between couples.

[Longterm]

Once removed, she lives with another man and I have never once invited her to come and live with me. We have not seen/spoke to each other since November 2017.

The closest we have got to talking is her emailing asking me to meet up.

Do you not think telling her mom that is a bit weird?

[Longterm]

Red5, I find this kind of behaviour highly distressing.

I had a shed Once, she hated it. I think she wanted me to be glued to her.

I just cannot fathom some of these things, I'll be honest.

[once removed]

i misread the quote and the context of it, sorry.

weird? sure. it may have been an offhand remark. it (the split with you and relationship with the new guy) may be something shes not prepared to go into, it could be that she doesnt see a long term future in the current relationship, its hard to say.

[Red5]

I had a shed Once, she hated it. I think she wanted me to be glued to her.

Same with the "home office"… I'd go in there to email, internet search, or just to watch a movie, big leather couch in there, and large corner desk… and she would have none of that… she wanted me with her, in the living room, holding her little puppy dog (whom I loved)… and watching what she wanted to on TV, even if I went into the kitchen to prepare a meal... same thing… "what are you doing in there"… "aren't you going to spend time with your wife"… but she would never come to me, I had to always go to her… she even got me an iPad… so I could use it on the love seat beside her recliner… same thing, "put that thing down and talk to me"… then she would pick it up, go through my email, both work and private, my Facebook… etc'… the bank account… "what did you spend $35.00 on?"… and ignore me...  

… BPD!

Yes, I can concur…

Red5

[JNChell]

I think that Radical Acceptance is important here. I’m going to be the salt in the wound. Brother, she lives with another and has left everyone . Think beyond your hurt and realize what she has done and put in motion. Stay outside of the hurt and realize what her beau doesn’t yet know. He will. Don’t relish that. Don’t wait for it, just know.

When this plays out, what are you going to do?

[Red5]

I think that Radical Acceptance is important here.

I’m going to be the salt in the wound.

Brother, she lives with another and has left everyone . 

Stay outside of the hurt and realize what her beau doesn’t yet know. He will. Don’t relish that.

Don’t wait for it, just know.

So let’s step back, and think here, this OM, lets get inside his head,”wow, a lost fawn, look what I’ve found, she’s still married, and she is a mother too, she is just want I’m looking for in a woman... I can trust her,”...

Yeah right ; (

Poor sod... there is a German term... and in a while Longterm, you’ll be the one to understand it, it’s “Schadenfreude”...

Look it up, like the clerk of the court told me in 2006, “let them have each other, you take them youngins and get out of here”... true story,

Red5

[Longterm]

PMSL, I just googled that 

When I first left I said that he does not know what he just did.

I think it was around Xmas time that there was a big argument in her family and somebody told him she was a cheat, he said he already knew then came out with the well known phrase "but I love her"

I have emails off her asking to meet me, saying she misses me. If I was that way inclined I could easily destroy or at the very least cause a lot of problems in that r/$hit, why do you think I won't do it?

Firstly if she was single who would she bother?
Secondly, this guy showed my daughter how to buy class A's online. He played in part in my son getting kicked out. He also tried to convince my boys that I was the reason they had not seen me for months.

She is messaging her ex behind his back, I guarantee you she will cheat on him. He will be where I was at some point and it will dawn on him...this is what happened to her ex. And when she bed hops and he's sitting there distraught I will laugh.

Does that make me evil? I dunno and tbh, I don't care