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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Just realised that gf may have BPD  (Read 953 times)
hurtn

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« on: March 13, 2019, 09:24:31 AM »

  Hello everyone.
I'm new to this and would never have realised how hard it is to get over a woman that suffers from this disorder.
  I had fallen in love with her quickly, as her words, actions and support for me was at a 200% level.  Those were actually her words at the beginning. " When I'm in a relationship, I give it 200%".  I truly believe she does, but I never realised that the time frame would be so short.  She went from absolute devotion to almost a dislike of me within an afernoon..It was so drastic that the look in her eyes was like coming from a different person that I had no idea who she was now.
  She went from needing to talk with me every morning and every noon hour when we would have lunch, to not even responding to my texts or phone calls.  
  She told me it was her depression form the approaching X-mas holidays that was causing her to respond to me in this way.  She just needed to get past the holiday and things would then come back to a sense of normal for us.  
  That never did happen, but what did happen was she entered into another relationship but never thought to inform me that she wasn't happy with the one she had with me.  I since found out that the kids she has had chosen to not make her a priority in "their" life for the simple reason that she never made them "her" priority.  
  I have been at a loss for how to make sense of the change of Heart or change of character she is displaying.  She turned away from the relationship with me without me having any type of closure.  I have researched the info of what this disorder can look like, and what it can do to significant others, but it sure is hard to have my emotional side give up its place to my logical side..
  Any feed back for how I can move on from this would be greatly appreciated.
  Thankyou in advance
 Hurt'n  
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2019, 09:52:44 AM »

Hi hurtn! Welcome! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm very sorry you're going through this. A relationship with someone who has a personality disorder is a roller coaster and can leave one's head spinning. People with these disorders simply don't think the way other people do and that makes it incredibly difficult to understand.

Any relationship ending is painful. But when you don't have any kind of choice at all, that just adds a layer of frustration, I'm sure.

Have you seen this article on the site? It goes a bit into the dynamics of a BPD break-up.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

This site can be a great support system for you. But do you have any other support around you? Family or friends? That can make a big difference in recovery.
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hurtn

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« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2019, 02:10:55 PM »

Thanks for the reply Ozzie101
In short, this site has been a huge help..for a bit, I thought I was gonna be lost in the Break-up...I had invested my whole self into the relationship and failed to heed the red flags that were all around me.  Looking back into it I sure see them now..
  I am making progress, albeit, slowly...I have read the article that you sent to me..That enlighten me ALOT!...I also do have a good support group with friends and family that offer plenty of help..
  Thank you for you caring reply
Hurt'n
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« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 02:25:17 PM »

Hey Hurt'n, If your Ex has BPD it's unlikely that you will ever get to the bottom of understanding her change of heart, which is why I suggest that you let go and move on.  It hurts, but I predict that at some point you will be grateful to have parted ways.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2019, 10:24:32 PM »

Hi hurtn,

Welcome

Id like to join the others and welcome you to the site. I’m glaf that you decided to join us. It helps to talk to others that are going through it gave gine thriugh a break up with a pwBPD I think that you have to go through this experience to really get it. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.  Do you stay in touch with her?
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hurtn

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« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2019, 09:32:23 AM »

Hi Mutt..
...ya it sure does Bite the Big One...I've never had such a disheartening experience in my life so far...It's like the ground was falling out around me and I was being swept down and away...I was having the hardest time trying to make sense of it.  Nothing could have prepared me for the complete change of attitude she took, all within such a short time... I do realise that for her it had likely changed long before but I was naive in thinking that it was depression that she was trying to deal with( Those were her words )...but it was her daughter(20yrs old) that told me her mom isn't what she appears to be, and unfortunately for this poor girl, she had to be the one to inform me that it wasn't just the depression that was taking her mom's attn away from me, it was also the new MAN in her life..Total devaluing of me and Idolising the new guy scenario...
This convo with the woman's daughter revealed such a crazy chain of events over the last 6yrs, it made me realise that I didn't even know who this woman is.  Everything she told me was fabricated and suited to meet her own ideas and justify all her actions.  This is where I began the search for info and following these chain of broken, turmoil relationships, I came across the possibility that it was linked with BPD...Then it all made sense, sort of, as I still am trying to understand how they can say such beautiful things, and in the next minute cut that person out of their life..
  She has very little time devoted to her kids( 20, 18, 16) and actually never has made them her priority over the last 6-7 years since the marrage had ended.  The children had picked up early that she was unstable and always running after relationships( moving in with some after a month, accepting and engagement from another after 3 mnths,).  I was just another log on the fire;)..
  I have had zero contact with her for the last couple months, her last message to me was " You need to stay away, and NEVER come around again!"...Pretty harsh, as just before that she was texting that she never felt so complete before I came into her life..Hmmm, Really?...
  The hard part of it all is that her kids had known my kids well before the two of us were introduced.  It was an easy situation for her to have that time with her kids as they were always with mine as young teenager kids always have an active social life...Post breakup, I have seen her kids more than her, as her attention is being given to the new relationship more than to them...It's kinda heartbreaking as I see how the kids are not even concerning themselves with her.  I guess they know how to survive better than I do.  I guess time will tell, for these young people, what the effects of having a walk away mom will leave on them
Thanks for the reply...and again any insight is much appreciated..
  My concern is that she may circle around and try to make contact..I've got my boundaries up but I have read horror stories that the second time around is even more devastating...There is NO way i'm gonna go through this again..
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« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2019, 10:04:38 AM »

Hi hurtn,

You mentioned that you felt like you didn't have control over the situation and it felt like you were getting swept away. You have an arsenal now an edge that you didn't have before you have knowledge and this group this group will support you all of the way through this and will help you stay grounded.

Having said that I hear you about the kids mine are young and they favor dad sometimes I feel sad about how they're mother has borderline traits and how they don't have a fully functional mom but those are my feelings that are exaggerating the situation in that moment either I catch myself, I share with the group or work out to ground myself again.

I had similar fears about my ex and if she came back a second time after putting me through hell the first time I felt the same way. I didn't want to go through that again and I was worried that I may recycle and I agree with you that boundaries will protect you, you made your decision and this group will help you to not go back if that is the choice that you made.

My advice to you is don't worry  
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hurtn

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« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2019, 10:59:13 AM »

Mutt
Thanks again..
I appreciate the feedback, it makes me feel supported when all the talk coming from her was in a negative sense..
I can attest to the fact that typing and reading others situations take away the uncertainty of what my own feelings are saying, and WERE saying throughout the relationship...Something just wasn't right bout it all.  I just couldn't or didn't want to acknowledge what my mind(Logic side) was saying...My emotional side was loving the attention she was giving, and being that we are adults here, I was wrapped up in the sex.  She was always at such a elevated state and telling me it was because of me that she felt that way.  I guess I just really wanted to believe that I could be so good for someone.  It's been a bit hard on the ego side to realise that it wasn't me, or I guess to say, it wasn't ALL me that got her there.;).
  I look back now and realise that the MANY red flags were not seen.  That is part of my boundary system now, ASK the questions that are there. 
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hurtn

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« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2019, 12:03:50 PM »

Ahhh...I totally forgot to ask the question that was on mind..
If following the posts from above...
This woman's oldest child is a daughter that is 20yrs at the moment.  To say that their relationship has been strained over the last half dozen years is an understatement.   The daughter is and has been soo upset with her mom that she now can't stand to be around her.  She had went so far at one point to ask her mom to just stop chasing men and questioned why she just couldn't stop it for awhile..actually begged her to..The 20 yr old doesn't understand or maybe at this point doesn't care to understand..
  My question is ...Should I contact the daughter to give her some insight as to what I have MAYBE figured out with the actions of her mother?..The kid is smart and compassionate but also VERY straight forward.  I know I'm nothing near a therapist or a Councillor but could this daughter benefit from a point of veiw?..
Has anyone been in the situation where there was some success for the children involved where then they at least can get SOME sort of understanding?...I mean, from my perspective, my relationship with her is dun, but it's really the kids now who should be looked over to try help their development.  Or am I wrong?..
I open to anyone who can contribute any comments.
Thanks all
Hurtn
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« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2019, 12:33:36 AM »

How long did your relationship last?

I understand how painful it is to be put on a pedestal, then discarded like nothing. That's what happened to me. My BPD exgf of 2 years used to tell me I was perfect, nobody ever did X for her before (fill in the blank). She used to want to be touching me all the time. She wore my shirts and jackets around the house.

If she was even the tiniest bit upset she had to hold me, I had to assure her everything was ok, she was extremely needy. She made me her entire world. She isolated herself from her entire previous life, for the most part. At first I was not comfortable with this, I saw red flags, but I grew to love her so much.

But at the same time she was putting me on a pedestal, she was also engaging in passive aggressive behaviors. Like, if she cooked me something and I mentioned I wanted a condiment on it, she would get irate with herself and say something like "I knew it wasn't perfect, just like you have to have everything." Then I would find notes left around saying things like "don't cook this for (my name), HE HATES IT!" It was troubling.

The first discard happened at 10 months or something. She flew into one of her rage/freakout attacks over something small, took all of her stuff and left (she lived in my house). She called me the next morning, crying, wanting a 2nd chance. I was angry. She told me she was at her friend's house - a woman. I foolishly took her back. 8 months later in a fit of anger she told me she had been at her ex-boyfriend's house and not the female friend's. At that very moment it was over for me. I pulled away and never told her "I love you" again.

Just thought I'd share a bit to let you know I understand the pain. I have not heard from her in over a year but I still hurt. I loved her dearly, as silly as it was.
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« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2019, 09:47:56 AM »

Excerpt
Should I contact the daughter to give her some insight as to what I have MAYBE figured out with the actions of her mother?..

Hey Hurtn, No, I would discourage you from having this conversation with her daughter, which is likely to be poorly received, coming from you.  It's best to leave the diagnosing to professionals, in my view.

LJ
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« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2019, 10:12:54 AM »

I would agree with LJ. You sharing the news about BPD might not go over very well. It's a gamble and I don't think you want to risk that. If you care about the kids and want to help them, it's better to keep the lines of communication open, let them know you're there for them. Let them talk to you and vent and seek advice or help as they need it.
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hurtn

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« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2019, 12:00:04 PM »

Thanks Lucky Jim and Ozzie101...
What I'm finding with this site is that I actually know the answers to the questions I'm asking..Seems like as though when I type the lines down, the answer actually comes to me..Your replies are exactly what the voice inside my head was saying..I have to agree with the both of you that things wouldn't be very well received.. The kids deep down want their mother, not some half baked ex boyfriend that is gonna hand them a diagnosis.
  I am coming to the understanding of how helpful a site and forum like is. As stated in a previous post, I thank all of you for your input..The knowledge into this situation and the struggles/battles that these BPD face everyday is heartbreaking...They must be exhausted in their search for Peace from themselves...In the final conversation that I had with this woman, she stated that "I always do this, I have something so great but I end up wasting it all"..I heard the words then but now I am finding the REAL meaning to them..
At least I can understand it, not that it makes leaving my love for her behind any easier though..
...It's all just so sad for everyone involved... 
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« Reply #13 on: March 15, 2019, 12:19:45 PM »

That is a big part of what makes sites like this so great. We can support each other and while each of us has to make our own decisions, we can help each other think clearly and make the best choices for ourselves and our loved ones.

And you're right -- it is sad. With my H, one of the hardest parts when he was dysregulating was in seeing how much pain he was in and there wasn't really anything I could do to fix it. It was like he was hijacked.
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« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2019, 08:30:50 PM »

 Hello everyone.
I'm new to this and would never have realised how hard it is to get over a woman that suffers from this disorder.
  I had fallen in love with her quickly, as her words, actions and support for me was at a 200% level.  Those were actually her words at the beginning. " When I'm in a relationship, I give it 200%".  I truly believe she does, but I never realised that the time frame would be so short.  She went from absolute devotion to almost a dislike of me within an afernoon..It was so drastic that the look in her eyes was like coming from a different person that I had no idea who she was now.
  She went from needing to talk with me every morning and every noon hour when we would have lunch, to not even responding to my texts or phone calls.  
  She told me it was her depression form the approaching X-mas holidays that was causing her to respond to me in this way.  She just needed to get past the holiday and things would then come back to a sense of normal for us.  
  That never did happen, but what did happen was she entered into another relationship but never thought to inform me that she wasn't happy with the one she had with me.  I since found out that the kids she has had chosen to not make her a priority in "their" life for the simple reason that she never made them "her" priority.  
  I have been at a loss for how to make sense of the change of Heart or change of character she is displaying.  She turned away from the relationship with me without me having any type of closure.  I have researched the info of what this disorder can look like, and what it can do to significant others, but it sure is hard to have my emotional side give up its place to my logical side..
  Any feed back for how I can move on from this would be greatly appreciated.
  Thankyou in advance
 Hurt'n  

I understand how difficult it is man...truly I do. Understand that she is DEEPLY miserable and is not enjoying jumping from guy to guy. The anger and hurt comes from thinking about what she's doing from YOUR perspective, not hers. From your perspective, her behavior makes you think to yourself..."How can she live with herself? How dare she think she can do this to me!" But again, you're looking at it from a sane and logical perspective, not from the perspective of someone with BPD. Also, she will do the exact same thing with every. single. guy. she dates. Period. The disorder will always win.

It sucks but it's reality and you need to embrace reality my man. It's very hard but it is what it is.
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« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2019, 01:11:12 AM »

Thanks Jinglebells..
You are right ...Its the reality..It is what it is rings true...
I've accepted the reality..Hard as it seems to acknowledge their change of heart or whatever words we put to it...
...I just need clarification to your statement..."She hates jumping from guy to guy"?..
Does she REALLY?..isn't this the defense mechanism that avoids her from stopping for a refection moment which then would allow bad feelings within herself to emerge( which,ironically would be the first step into her own actual recovery?)..
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« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2019, 10:37:33 PM »

..
Thanks Jinglebells..
You are right ...Its the reality..It is what it is rings true...
I've accepted the reality..Hard as it seems to acknowledge their change of heart or whatever words we put to it...
...I just need clarification to your statement..."She hates jumping from guy to guy"?..
Does she REALLY?..isn't this the defense mechanism that avoids her from stopping for a refection moment which then would allow bad feelings within herself to emerge( which,ironically would be the first step into her own actual recovery?)..
In my recent experience with a female appearing to have quiet BPD (which sounds similar to yours), going from guy to guy (or guys) is a toxic drug for them. They crave the attention or whatever aspect is missing in their life that can be gained from the relationship(s) until the need can no longer be met, the relationship was getting to close for comfort, or a new guy comes along until he is recycled, etc.

In my case, the way the relationship drastically ended seemed to be the hardest part after being blocked without reason or warning (deducing there was another guy). Reflection has lessened the  pain, however.

Instead of remembering the ultimate highs of the relationship, I focus on the low points. The signs were there the situation was going black before it ended besides multiple push pull cycles. She wanted to be in control of the out of control situation, and she was moving on. What was lacking throughout was trust, accountability, emotional maturity, or ability to compromise.

She admitted a few times, before denying it that she was not happy about going from guy to guy, but could not find the right happiness. Upon reflecting, instead of being upset, I feel sorry for her apparent need for toxic fulfillment to mask her internal unhappiness.

I believe it is important to reflect on my own actions of what I did wrong and right, and learn from it while progressing forward, rather than dwelling on the past.
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« Reply #17 on: March 18, 2019, 01:31:57 PM »

..In my recent experience with a female appearing to have quiet BPD (which sounds similar to yours), going from guy to guy (or guys) is a toxic drug for them. They crave the attention or whatever aspect is missing in their life that can be gained from the relationship(s) until the need can no longer be met, the relationship was getting to close for comfort, or a new guy comes along until he is recycled, etc.

In my case, the way the relationship drastically ended seemed to be the hardest part after being blocked without reason or warning (deducing there was another guy). Reflection has lessened the  pain, however.

Instead of remembering the ultimate highs of the relationship, I focus on the low points. The signs were there the situation was going black before it ended besides multiple push pull cycles. She wanted to be in control of the out of control situation, and she was moving on. What was lacking throughout was trust, accountability, emotional maturity, or ability to compromise.

She admitted a few times, before denying it that she was not happy about going from guy to guy, but could not find the right happiness. Upon reflecting, instead of being upset, I feel sorry for her apparent need for toxic fulfillment to mask her internal unhappiness.

I believe it is important to reflect on my own actions of what I did wrong and right, and learn from it while progressing forward, rather than dwelling on the past.

Reading about "quiet BPD," it sounds like my ex, too. While I will never know the details of her relationships, I have a feeling she lied to me about the lengths of time between them. In fact, I think she went from her ex to me immediately, though she said otherwise.

It's not only relationships with other men that she used to "fulfill" that emptiness, though, it was also friendships with women and "retreats" of sorts where she could bond with people so as not to be alone with her thoughts. She literally could not handle being alone.
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« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2019, 05:06:11 PM »

Thanks for your input Crushed Again.
I can barely get over how prevalent this issue is in our society.
Then again, it’s just that I’ve been able to use a termanology when speaking of it..Makes it easier to discuss and understand.

   Back to an earlier question I had...Does anyone have any experience with a BPD Woman who has children, but doesn’t appear to involve herself with them?   These children were very early teenagers(13, 11, 9) at the time she left her marriage.  She was VERY quick to move in with boyfriend, then leave that relationship, then take up with another, and yet another. Each time she move in and away from kids.  In one instance, even accepted engagement ring, only to leave that a couple months later.  In each case up to and including my involvement with her, I’m realizing that the kids were only a second priority behind her pursuit of the next romantic partner.
   It would be great to have any women respond with “their” point of view.  I hope it’s everyones understanding that I’m in NO way judging her or anyone.  I just really am trying to understand the condition from the “inside out”.  I honestly believe this is as close to closure that I’ll be able to put this to rest
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« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2019, 10:35:46 PM »

I once knew a gal through my sister who was married and had a daughter. When the daughter was like 8 years old or so, she and the husband divorced, and the woman took off out of the country and married another guy, and never visited the daughter again. She just disappeared out of both of their lives. This poor guy had to help his daughter with her period, bras, etc., where a mom should have been there for her. Just despicable.

I do not know if she had BPD, hurtn, but I think what it comes down to is extreme selfishness and a complete lack of empathy, which is certainly right along the lines of a person with BPD. These people are only looking out for their own selfish interests. They are either unwilling or unable (I choose the former) to view things through the lens of another person, because if they'd put themselves in their partners' (or kids') shoes, they'd not treat them like they do.
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« Reply #20 on: March 25, 2019, 03:04:50 PM »

Crushed Again
Thanks for your reply..Sorry, It's been awhile since I've responded.
I struggle daily with the thought that this mother could have such little personal contact with her kids..I really do.  I guess I can understand that these Mental health or development issues can cause her to see things differently than I do.  I've always made my kids and even her kids feel important and valued.  I've continued this with hers even after she abandoned the relationship with me.  Without talking her down, I've was able to explain to them that they are important.  I'm not trying to manipulate them to be able to get back with her.  I see how damaging her actions are to them and I would hate to see that they could fall prey to the same issues that she struggled with from her childhood..I know I can't save the world, but...really?...who's got their back?..
   It's kinda funny...I absolutely HATE the feelings that I have from this ordeal..The lack of intimacy, the loss of a Friend( at least the loss of a friend that I thought she was)..The hopes, dreams of actually having someone by my side...But...after all this, I'm in a way happy that i've gone through this to have been given the reason to look into this issue that some people have and get myself educated on the subject...There really would have been NO REASON for me to even think of this problem and all that it presents...I know that sounds silly, but there should be a constructive purpose, Right?...
...but yet after all this mature reasoning that I've come to...I still can't seen to shake the Longing I feel for her...I know it was not going to turn out good..I know it was going to lead to major disaster down the line...
Why do I still have these feelings for her?...
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« Reply #21 on: March 25, 2019, 03:53:46 PM »

Excerpt
I still can't seen to shake the Longing I feel for her...I know it was not going to turn out good..I know it was going to lead to major disaster down the line...

Hey Hurtn, That's the odd thing about a BPD r/s: on some level, we know it's bad for us and unlikely to turn out well, yet we still want to participate in it.  For this reason, I would say that your feelings are normal and to be expected.  A lot of us have recycled, including me, in order to quell that Longing, yet it never lasts for long.

Better to go through the BPD crucible, which includes the painful emotions you describe, in order to come out the other side, which in my view is where greater happiness can be found.  In other words, your suffering will lead to healthier relationships in the future.

LuckyJim

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« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2019, 11:49:10 AM »

Why do I still have these feelings for her?...

i struggled with this too.

one answer is because your ex is a complicated person with qualities that you love, and qualities youd probably prefer she didnt have.

its a loss for you, one that must be grieved and mourned. that got easier for me when i stopped judging the deep, and conflicting feelings i felt.
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« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2019, 01:08:05 PM »

Burnt welcome.

You asked why you still have these feelings?

It's a very complicated dynamic, there is a lot of emotion involved and it's not your average run of the mill break up.

Just know your not alone and you will find a lot of support here.
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« Reply #24 on: March 27, 2019, 11:10:19 AM »

LJ. Once Removed and Long Term..
  Sincere thank you for the replies...I honestly do feel better when reading a comment from someone else.  Like I said earlier, it makes my hurt a little easier to accept.  I really could have sworn that I was the only one going through this.  I was completely alone and lost.  It's been one of the most devastating things I've ever been through.  Even the break down of my marriage didn't seem as bad as this.  I'm assuming that it was because there was contact with my ex and a chance to express some emotion.  With this, it was like we were on Cloud 9 and having an amazing time with each other then with out warning, the cloud was vaporized and I'm falling with NO net below.  I would never have known how big a hit to the Self-image this could have been.  Never would have dreamt it..
   In anyone's opinion, do these people who suffer from this BPD, have any feelings or empathy for who they destroy in the wake of their Devalue process?..I really want to believe that they are capable.  They can be painted as terrible monsters that destroy others mental state( ya, I include myself in that group;), but they must suffer terribly, don't they?...
I realize that this thread must be getting close to it's limit...If so, and it gets shutdown, I would like to pick the conversation up in another topic group if need be..
I'm feeling better and outlook is improving, but now i'm interested to get into the minds and workings of THEIR thought processes...I'm intrigued by this all and not looking at things quite so specifically as to my situation, cause that proved to almost drive me into the ground, Literally!...
...this all has been a hell of a way to lose weight, although not a weight loss program that I would EVER recommend;)...
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« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2019, 03:49:31 PM »

Excerpt
...but yet after all this mature reasoning that I've come to...I still can't seen to shake the Longing I feel for her...I know it was not going to turn out good..I know it was going to lead to major disaster down the line...
Why do I still have these feelings for her?...

This is my greatest struggle, and I haven't even seen her in 1 1/2 years. While the pain is nowhere near the level it was when the wound was fresh, the wound has still not healed by any means. I question why I long for somebody who could so easily walk out of my life, who was stuck to me like glue when we were together, yet can seemingly detach in an instant without so much as a hint of regret.

Excerpt
...do these people who suffer from this BPD, have any feelings or empathy for who they destroy in the wake of their Devalue process?..I really want to believe that they are capable.  They can be painted as terrible monsters that destroy others mental state( ya, I include myself in that group;), but they must suffer terribly, don't they?...

Another thing I wish I had answers for but knowingly never will, at least insofar as my ex is concerned. My suspicion is that there was never a genuine deep love for me the person, it was deep love for the security that I brought her and the fact that she didn't have to be alone, which was her greatest challenge. She could not be by herself for any length of time without becoming extremely fragile and desperate. She relied on people to be fulfilled, because by herself she had no identity whatsoever, at least anything of a positive nature.

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« Reply #26 on: March 28, 2019, 10:59:25 AM »

people with BPD traits do possess empathy, generally speaking.

in times of conflict or stress, empathy can certainly be impaired, as it can be for anyone.

it sounds like what you are asking is whether they feel remorse or guilt after a breakup, and i dont think there is a one size fits all answer. it depends very much on the circumstances of the breakup and both individuals. some of these relationships end explosively, so there are a lot of hard feelings. some of these relationships end pretty amicably, even mutually.

one of the things that took me a long time to understand is that my ex had, by and large, already grieved the relationship before she broke up with me; the person doing the breakup usually has, while the person on the receiving end has not, and may not even have seen it coming. a couple can be on very different pages when this happens. i know i wasnt privy to everything going on with her, there was a lot boiling under the surface. on top of that, i think she had a lot of second thoughts, wasnt sure she wanted to go through with the breakup, so i missed, or ignored, some of the signs.

a good place to learn more about BPD is our Community Built Knowledge Base. in short, people with BPD traits really arent that different than you or i...for example, we all mirror, project, sometimes see things in black or white terms, etc. people with BPD traits do these things in greater extremes: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0;sort=subject

getting a better understanding helped me in my own recovery, for sure. good questions!
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