Six months since separation - 3 months NC

[Sportyman]

Hi - It's been a while since i've posted but I"ve been feeling really down as of late and thought it may help to verbal vomit on the boards and see if anyone can relate to my feelings.

I haven't spoken to my uBPDw in roughly 3 months. We separated about 6 months ago. I know that she is hurting as she has reached out to my friends/family stating she doesn't want to proceed with the Divorce, and will do anything to save our marriage.

I was doing really well with my healing and progress a few weeks back; feeling clear; feeling healthy; also focusing on therapy; journaling; meditation; etc. Last two weeks I feel the progress has slowed. I find myself breaking down in tears many times at the thought of our relationship. Many times I ask myself, "why me, why her, why us". Why did this have to happen to us...why did it have to happen to her? I keep reaching out to supportive friends around me and they state that "feel blessed it happened sooner then later; or that you didnt have kids..and everything happens for a reason". Although I agree; it's so hard. The heartbreak, the grief, the moments where I just want to drive to her and hold her and hug and cry and take our pain away. But I know better. I know that contacting her will only open up a channel again for the chaos to ensue. I know my codependant tendencies and it was so ahrd for me to step away in the first place. Although I miss and love her dearly. I know it isn't healthy for us to stay together. I'm scared of reengaging, I'm scared of even being near her now. The last straw was when she put a knife to her wrist in a state of disassociation. I couldn't be around something of that magnitude with my life being put at risk or even legal troubles.

Nonetheless, with all this being said, my heart yearns for her. It aches with pain and at times I feel I'm devestated at the fact that others find solace in their relationships and I loved unconditionally and so deeply and somehow that ended up hurting me more than ever. I always say...God took away the one thing I lvoed the most..and I can't even fix it. It pains me to know she's hurting so much..it pains me to know the heartache we've both gone through. The scars are within me and I know they say it takes time to heal; it takes time to grieve...but all in all; the outcome of the situation is nothing but painful. I will learn, I will grow, I will overcome, but the pain is too much at times for me to handle.

Anyways - any insight or support will me appreciated. I need to be pulled out of this rut as they call it.

[Mutt]

Hi Sportyman,

I’m sorry that you’re going through a tough time. I am glad that you decided to post.

When your thoughts and feelings make you feel deep sadness it helps to counter balance that by looking at both sides of the situation not just one.

Maybe you and others can help. The other side is a pwBPD are resilient she survived before you she’ll survive long after you.

I think that what is making you feel sad is the fact that she’s disordered, as you already know you can’t fix that it continues because it’s enabled. I’m not saying that you’re enabling it but there has to be people that enable - her close network. By removing yourself out of that network it may help her to get help sooner rather than later.

If pwBPD abets hekp for themselves it’s usually when they’ve backed themselves in a corner if there’s someone there rescuing and fixing thedysfunxtion just continues.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sportyman, It's normal to have setbacks on the road to recovery, so give yourself a break.  I understand that everything still feels raw and painful for you right now, but I predict that at some point you will be grateful to have parted ways with your pwBPD.  As your friends note, you're lucky you don't have kids together, unlike a lot of us, me included!  Things do happen for a reason and, in my view, the reason is that most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is with BPD.

LuckyJim