I cried for him, still do.

[Sadly]

Only once have I heard my partner try to describe the deep dark hole inside himself, his abject fear of loss, he described it as “his incompleteness as a person, but couldn’t describe what was missing, as he said how can you explain nothingness. I cried for him, still do. Naturally it was a once only discussion, once in 4 years, all the rest of the time it’s my fault and there’s nothing wrong with him.

There are so many different degrees of BPD, some much worse than others, all difficult and painful for themselves and their families, husbands, wives, children, lovers.

[JNChell]

Hi, Sadly. Caiiing people that have felt the affects of BPD evili is a bit strong, but understandable. As you’ve said, these folks are suffering in ways that we can’t grasp. And you’re right, they don’t choose this. Your SO makes a good point from his POV. “How do you explain nothingness?” Has he tried to express that,  or did he leave it there?

[Sadly]

Hi JNChell,
Unfortunately he didn’t try any further, he became angry and frustrated and the conversation was over. Angry because he had given something of himself, he didn’t like it, perceived it as a weakness. I thanked him for his honesty and trust which I think he was briefly happy about but it couldn’t last, it wasn’t sustainable and it was so much less painful and scary for him to revert back to calling me a weird, psychopathic hippy.   

[JNChell]

Sadly, how do you want the conversation to eventually come out. I don’t mean between you and your ex. You know what I mean.i just had something typed out and erased it.

[JNChell]

Sadly, I’m listening to a dog bark that isn’t cared for.

[Sadly]

Not sure I quite understand the comment about the dog barking...

[Skip]

There are so many different degrees of BPD, some much worse than others, all difficult and painful for themselves and their families, husbands, wives, children, lovers.

This was my feeling in the end too... profoundly, deeply, sad.

[JNChell]

Sadly, I apologize for the weird comment. There is a dog across the street from me that is neglected. Without going into too much detail, I’m in the midst of trauma therapy and things are becoming very weird for me. Insomnia has become part of it, and when I become exhausted it’s like I’m in a metaphorical boxing match with dissociation. I know that you’ve of sleep walking, well, I tend to sleep type at times. I tend to step away from the boards when I get like this. I didn’t catch myself last night. I don’t want to take up anymore of your space here, I just wanted to explain myself. I’m sorry.

[Sadly]

Please don’t worry, and please feel free to take up as much time as you want, we are all here for the same reason. I too suffer from insomnia, at present I exist on barely 2 hours sleep a night if I’m lucky. I have resorted to pills but to be honest they don’t work at night, they take a mild effect mid afternoon, not good if I’m in a meeting at work. I have actually shut myself in a cubicle in the ladies and nodded  off for 5 minutes or so although flush handles digging in your back and hard plastic seats are not ideal for a power nap or the threat of discovery. Very good luck with your therapy, I don’t know where you are from but here in the uk it’s not very easy to get any sort of therapy least of all if you mention BPD.

[JNChell]

It’s refreshing to come acome across someone else that is struggling with sleep. I’m not glad about it, I’m just happy to relate. Sleep deprivation is hard stuff. I sat in the toilet this morning with cold sweats and shaking and had to eventually ask my boss for the day off. I never know when this crap is going to hit. Sorry, I’m not trying to take up your thread.

[JNChell]

Let’s get back to your feelings. He didn’t try any further. That had to be hard to swallow. To see him somewhat accept himself, only to turn away from it. I bet that you were sitting on the edge of your seat, only to have to sink back into it. I’m sorry about that. I understand.

[Sadly]

Hello
Sorry for delay in replying, I had to step away for a bit, don’t worry nothing to do with dogs barking  . I have finished my last contract and now have 10 days at home before I start my new one, sadly that means being away from home Monday to Friday but needs must as they say. I have no idea what I am doing or thinking of doin with my sort of x. He texts once a day and always puts a kiss at the end, simple stuff like how at you and telling me about kitten, I respond in same vein but feel nothing much really. I am enjoying my peace and life alone with my cat but emotionally I appear to be in a vacuum. Perhaps I am giving my brain a rest. I am so tired. I tried a sleep app, that went well, not!  bloody rubbish, ended up flinging my phone out of bed so all I got was no sleep and a cracked screen.  I know when he has got this latest fit out of his system he will want to come back and carry on as if nothing has happened, so weird how he can do that. I am so afraid I will give in again that I am not allowing myself to think, does that make sense? I don’t know, I really don’t .