Wife recently diagnosed with BPD

[HubbyofBPD]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD about a month ago. We've been married for almost 4 years and it was a relief to finally understand where some of the actions she made were coming from.

I've been working hard to educate myself about BPD to provide as much support as possible for her. She is now going to weekly therapy and next week we will start couples therapy. I'm very hopeful for the future.

My question to the group is this: About three weeks ago I snooped on her phone and noticed some very questionable behavior starting up with an ex husband. My wife did not set appropriate boundaries with him and I brought it to her attention that it could be going in a direction that she did not want. My wife has a difficult time saying "No" to people.

After that discussion, she said she was ok with me looking at her phone, we had always given open access to both our phones, but the next day, she changed all her passwords and locked me out of her phone. I'm trying to help her see that this is hurting our relationship and that I want a relationship that is fully transparent.

I have, and continue to give, her access to my phone. It's something that we will talk about for sure in couples therapy, but I wanted to get thoughts/ideas from the group as well.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi and welcome to the family, HubbyofBPD!

That is promising that she's in therapy. There are many success stories out there, of people who've seen major improvements in their relationships.

You say she gave you permission to access her phone, then changed the codes. I get the impression you confronted her about this? How did she respond?

[HubbyofBPD]

Since the beginning of our relationship, prior to our marriage, we agreed to share our phones with each other. Be completely an open book to each other. It was only after this most recent event that she changed her passcode and deleted my fingerprint from her phone, as well as changed her Facebook password and iCloud password. I believe it was one of those times when a loved one moves to a hated one in an instant and she reacted. I believe strongly that we will work this out in couple's therapy.

[Purplex]

Hi HubbyofBPD, let me join Ozzie101 and welcome you to the family 

About three weeks ago I snooped on her phone and noticed some very questionable behavior starting up with an ex husband.

Was there any reason for you to mistrust her beforehand and did she tell you about this contact?

[HubbyofBPD]

Yes. There was infidelity about two years ago. She planned to meet up with an ex-girlfriend and lied to me about it. I found her conversations on her Facebook messenger site and confronted her about it. She would have gone through with the encounter had I not intervened. This was a huge betrayal of my trust and, I believe, what has reverberated throughout the following years. I don’t think we ever worked through it properly and that’s why the wound still festers in me.

[HubbyofBPD]

She told me her ex husband was contacting her to try to reintroduce her with her son, who lives with the ex. But the convo was not about the son, but about his sexual experiences and frustrations, often relating back to their sexual experiences in the past. She withheld that info from me.

[Purplex]

I see. These events would likely keep me suspicious as well. But I agree that couples therapy will be a good opportunity to rebuild trust and adress what happened then and now.
As Ozzie101 mentioned, it's a very good sign that she is willing to get professional help individually and as a couple.

What kind of therapy is she getting? DBT, CBT? Something else?
Does she share anything she learns with you?

[an0ught]

Hi HubbyofBPD,

supervising her phone is tempting. It is also not helpful as I explain later.

First as you have said, your wife has poor boundaries. That is fairly common not just on the non but also on the pwBPD side of the relationship. One of the reason for the constant distress they have to deal with is exactly the lack of boundaries. Saying NO is hard.

What happened. You asked her to be able to supervise her phone. She did not say no. But later she changed passwords so it looks like she did feel to say NO but did not say so. This may be an opportunity to use SET.

• Support: I really want to help you getting better and feeling more secure. Boundaries and saying NO helps here a lot.
• Empathy: Saying NO to someone who is close and who may feel upset can be scary. It is often easier not to deal with things immediately
• Truth: Clear boundaries are a sign of respect. If you feel uncomfortable it may be a sign that saying NO is the prudent thing even it it is causing upset. You have a right to privacy even if it irritates and worries me. It is better to tell me NO right way or inform me that you changed your mind instead of silently locking your phone. It is your phone and maybe I should not have pushed for access. We both need to get better at communicating our concerns.

One problem in BPD relationships is that the two sides are enmeshed. Emotions swap back and forth between the sides getting amplified each turn. Boundaries help to isolate the two sides and allow each to apply self soothing tools ultimately calming things down. It is tempting when concerned about the pwBPD to start controlling more and more. But each action causes a reaction and these reactions tend to be out-sized. Clinging to a drowning person does not help. Both need to start swimming. Both sides need to get stronger as individuals. For the non this means remember how to behave as an adult. For the pwBPD it means slowly growing up.

Couples therapy can be very stressful. She just started individual therapy and that may be stressing her too - often a period of odd behavior and pronouncements. Listen but don't overreact. Keep in mind that problem solving is not so important, facts are secondary and emotions need to be understood. Review the workshops on validation.

Hang in there  ,
a0