Hi HubbyofBPD,
supervising her phone is tempting. It is also not helpful as I explain later.
First as you have said, your wife has poor boundaries. That is fairly common not just on the non but also on the pwBPD side of the relationship. One of the reason for the constant distress they have to deal with is exactly the lack of boundaries. Saying NO is hard.
What happened. You asked her to be able to supervise her phone. She did not say no. But later she changed passwords so it looks like she did feel to say NO but did not say so. This may be an opportunity to use SET.
- Support: I really want to help you getting better and feeling more secure. Boundaries and saying NO helps here a lot.
- Empathy: Saying NO to someone who is close and who may feel upset can be scary. It is often easier not to deal with things immediately
- Truth: Clear boundaries are a sign of respect. If you feel uncomfortable it may be a sign that saying NO is the prudent thing even it it is causing upset. You have a right to privacy even if it irritates and worries me. It is better to tell me NO right way or inform me that you changed your mind instead of silently locking your phone. It is your phone and maybe I should not have pushed for access. We both need to get better at communicating our concerns.
One problem in BPD relationships is that the two sides are enmeshed. Emotions swap back and forth between the sides getting amplified each turn. Boundaries help to isolate the two sides and allow each to apply self soothing tools ultimately calming things down. It is tempting when concerned about the pwBPD to start controlling more and more. But each action causes a reaction and these reactions tend to be out-sized. Clinging to a drowning person does not help. Both need to start swimming. Both sides need to get stronger as individuals. For the non this means remember how to behave as an adult. For the pwBPD it means slowly growing up.
Couples therapy can be very stressful. She just started individual therapy and that may be stressing her too - often a period of odd behavior and pronouncements. Listen but don't overreact. Keep in mind that problem solving is not so important, facts are secondary and emotions need to be understood. Review the workshops on validation.
Hang in there ,
a0