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Author Topic: DD has asked to move back in for the summer...  (Read 1013 times)
1hope
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« on: March 29, 2019, 09:54:52 PM »

I’m looking for some feedback from everyone.  Our DD20 moved out suddenly 1 1/2 years ago.  While she was living at home, things were in turmoil almost all the time.  She was suicidal, and suffered from anxiety and depression too.  Her psychiatrist said she had “BPD symptoms “, as she was 18, and they won’t formally diagnose BPD at that age. 

Since she has moved out, our house has become much calmer.  We don’t have to lock up our medications.  We don’t lock up our cleaning supplies or our car keys. (All things she was planning to use when suicidal.) We don’t have to walk on eggshells.  Our 16 yo son is relieved.  He watched all of those things happen, and it impacted him.  I’ve learned some strategies here that help me deal with situations with her much more effectively.

Now, our daughter’s lease is done the end of June.  She plans to go away to college in the fall.  She has asked if she can move home for the summer, rather than extending her lease by 2 months.  Today she sent us a detailed email outlining all the reasons why it would be a good idea for her to move home, and what she would be willing to do while here (pay rent, clean, chip in for food).  Sounds great, right? 

The problem is, we’ve thought about it and don’t think it’s a great idea.  She still has difficulty regulating...often hanging up on us or leaving if things don’t go her way.  She has quit counseling (another counsellor that wasn’t what she wanted).  She is not on meds to help her regulate her moods.  She often stays up half the night and is used to coming and going when she wants.  We don’t see how this fits with the calmer life we have now.

The problem: we have to tell her, and I’m scared.  Scared of all the things that have happened in the past, scared of overdoses, scared of losing her.  I know I can’t let that fear make the decision for us.  We have to take care of our whole family, not just our DD.  She told our son about her request recently. He asked us about it.  We asked him what he thought about it.  Our son, usually very relaxed about decisions, said he didn’t think it was a good idea for her to move back.  We need to listen to his needs too. 

We are now thinking about how to tell her, when to tell her...
We think we should keep it simple.  We love her, but at this time we think she should extend her lease.  We feel that it might interfere with any progress we’ve made over the past year if she moved back home right now.

Any thoughts?  Anyone else been here before?
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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 10:38:33 PM »

I'd default to protecting those who need it,  your minor son (and he may not be entirely honest about his reservations given a history of WOE with his sister and also knowing how you have also given her drama), and you.  She might use it as a helping jumping stone, but it also could result in the return of the dysfunction,  though I understand you want to be hopeful.  As a parent,  I would be also.  Yet I'd want to protect my minor child. She doesn't need to be privy to any of such discussions.
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stampingt1
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« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2019, 01:49:55 AM »

1Hope,

You finally have your house back to a "state of calm" & you have to think about how it would affect your son.  Plus she's not medicated & not seeing a therapist. It's only supposed to be for a couple of months, but it could get extended...

I think that you should tell her soon while extending her lease is still an option. Just use a version of what you wrote:

"We love her, but at this time we think she should extend her lease.  We feel that it might interfere with any progress we’ve made over the past year if she moved back home right now."

Stay strong & good luck!
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2019, 04:20:54 AM »

Nice to meet you 1hope and sorry for what brought you here. I tend to agree with what others have said. Set a firm boundary. Tell her calmly, clearly, and simply that you love her and want what is best for her and living with you is not it. She needs to extend her lease. I think it is great she is on her way to college. How has she been supporting herself in the meantime? Does she have a job?
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Mirsa
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« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2019, 08:22:00 AM »

Hi 1Hope,

What a thoughtful post and your consideration for yourself, your son, and even your daughter is clear.   As others have noted, you have some excellent reasons for saying no to her.  You clearly see her for who she really is, as you know all those great promises she makes now are very likely to fall through once she's moved in.   I'm struck especially by you saying that you are actually scared to talk to her.  If she's like my BPD DD, then the rage attacks and manipulative tantrums are a regular part of her routine.  When I moved out of my chaotic childhood home, I promised myself that I would always try to have my home be a safe place for me.  I haven't always been able to manage that, but recent divorce and then BPD DD 18 moving out about six months ago have restored the peace and safety of my home.  I love it, and if/when BPD asks to move back in (it's just a matter of time before her father no longer caters to her every need), then I will indeed say no, and younger DD16 has also asked that I keep her out of the house.  The change in our home, our self-confidence, and emotional security is just so huge and dramatic, I have to commit to it for both myself and DD16.   It's just so easy to get sucked back in by the BPD because she will tell me what I want to hear and give me the love and approval I naturally seek from her as her parent.  So, knowing that my heart and my head would be torn on this topic, I've told all my friends and family that I trust that when she asks to move back in, don't let me say yes! 

If extending her lease is not an option, perhaps you could offer to assist her financially.. putting her things in storage, and she could stay in a long-term hotel for a couple of months.  Or, she could stay with friends, and put the things in storage.  It would be money well spent in my opinion, to maintain the serenity of my home. 

Best wishes,
Mirsa
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wendydarling
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« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2019, 10:34:12 AM »

Hi there 1hope  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

It must have been a surprise to receive this request after the strident move for independence your DD made 1.5years ago, I remember well. 2 months is a short time, I wonder what's driving this. I agree with you and others the present status quo works for your family, it is healthy and living independently has worked for your DD despite the challenges and with your support she's been able to do this.

I understand you are scared things may roll back, I too can become hostage of my fears from time to time, till I realise it is out of my control today and it was out of my control back then.

Hang in there!  

WDx
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1hope
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« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2019, 11:22:36 AM »

Thanks to everyone for your support! 
Wendydarling...we think the request stems from her discomfort.  Once again, things have not worked out the way she wanted with her roommate situation.  One of them has “big personality “...which usually attracts our DD in the first place.  Then she realizes that the person is often overpowering, and DD doesn’t know how to deal with it.  She still struggles with speaking up when there is any kind of conflict (noise, people eating her food etc.).
DD’s lease is up the end of June, which is why she says she wants to come home. (She likely can extend the stay by 2 months, but she hasn’t asked.). She sent us a detailed email outlining her “proposal” for returning home.  Many promises are made, but we don’t see her being able to follow through.  Even when we get together with her, there seems to be a point where the tensions start to rise. 
We seem to be convinced about what our answer is, but are hesitating about the timing.  We realize that we are anticipating a crisis.  We need to remember what you said, Wendydarling.  We aren’t in control now, any more than we were then.  We’ll keep that in mind as we approach this.  Thanks!
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« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2019, 01:48:35 AM »

1Hope,

You mentioned that DD isn't on any meds or seeing a counselor.   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I started college w/o meds for an undiagnosed anxiety disorder.  It was very tough!

In my opinion, the more tools that DD has in her "toolbox" when starting college the better.

Good luck!
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1hope
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« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2019, 06:24:10 PM »

Stamping...agreed!  We wish that she could see that as well!  She was on meds at one time, but stopped taking them because she felt they caused her suicidal thoughts.  She did not want to try different meds, as she didn’t want to go back to those times.  We tried to tell her that finding the right combination often takes time.  Occasionally she will say she’d like to try them again, but then makes excuses for why she doesn’t (they’re too big for me to swallow, I’ll gain weight...).

As for counsellors, she has had 3 different ones.  We suspect that she leaves when they start encouraging her to make changes that cause her discomfort.  She always says that they weren’t helping her.  She will no longer consider DBT, as she says she doesn’t have BPD anymore...

Miras...thanks for your ideas about alternatives!  I’ll keep those in mind!  

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wendydarling
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« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2019, 05:58:49 PM »

Hi 1Hope

Wondering how you are ...

Excerpt
Wendydarling...we think the request stems from her discomfort.  Once again, things have not worked out the way she wanted with her roommate situation.  One of them has “big personality “...which usually attracts our DD in the first place.  Then she realizes that the person is often overpowering, and DD doesn’t know how to deal with it.  She still struggles with speaking up when there is any kind of conflict (noise, people eating her food etc.)
 That makes sense, sharing can be challenging at the best of times learning what works, does not work, in early 20s  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  a lesson.

WDx
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« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2019, 04:24:02 PM »

I am going to be in the same predicament soon and I have 3 little kids who finally have a normal life.  I think letting her in for 2 months would be worse for your relationship.  Too many rules and restrictions and it won't end right.  you have a better chance of having a better relationship when you aren't call the shots anymore and she is on her own.  You can offer to help pay the 2 month lease until school starts.

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« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2019, 04:39:43 PM »

jeanoc

Is your DD off to college, independent living,,,?

WDx
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1hope
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« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2019, 05:22:06 PM »

Well...we had the conversation!  DD brought it up and asked point blank after a family get together this weekend.  My husband and I had rehearsed what we would say, and we stuck to the script.  We emphasized the progress we’ve all made over the past year and a half, and said we didn’t want to risk that.  Remarkably, she took the news quite calmly, and agreed?  To be honest, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop! 

The timing of all of this hasn’t been fantastic.  Last week DD received a phone call from her boss...the store she’s been working at for a year has closed with no warning.  The investor pulled their investment.  This job was perfect for her.  Very low-key.  Hours were about 4 shifts/week.  Now she has no job, and likely no savings in the bank.  She called me sobbing for 2 days in a row, but then started looking for a new job.  She contacted unemployment right away.  She also found a new counsellor, and went to her first appointment!  She even spoke to the counsellor about meds. 

Not getting my hopes up, but I was glad to see her using some of her tools!  Baby steps...
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Turkish
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« Reply #13 on: April 09, 2019, 08:48:28 PM »

It seems counterintuitive,  but offering support can often trigger the core shame of a pwBPD, in that they feel they are incapable and worthless. I ran into this with my BPD mother. 

This sounds like a good development.   
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wendydarling
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« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2019, 06:04:48 AM »

1hope well done to you and H your rehearsal paid off, you received the response you sought, acceptance. There's never a good time to lose a job  , it's impressive she's being proactive, is reaching out for a shoulder with you, you're listening and has the positive experience of a perfect job she can measure up against what works for her. I'd cry too if I lost my dream job.

Excerpt
She also found a new counsellor, and went to her first appointment!  She even spoke to the counsellor about meds. 


As Turkish says there is good development. Your DD is doing her best, as are you and your family. 

Any progress?

WDx
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« Reply #15 on: April 12, 2019, 07:21:26 AM »

This is real progress, Hope. You and your H worked together to set a healthy boundary and you followed through on it with your DD. DD accepted your boundary and even agreed with you and is seeing a counselor and even asking about meds. My advice ? Celebrate! Sure more challenges will come but a lot of good just happened that you will need to remember when they do. I think those of us with children and other loved ones wBPD minimize our victories because they don't look like much to others. But these 'baby steps' are the foundation of our hope. So I think you should do something special and fun just for you and H to celebrate how awesome you are. A bonus is building couple strength, something else you will need in the days ahead. What do you think? A night out? A special meal?
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1hope
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« Reply #16 on: April 13, 2019, 08:24:04 PM »

Wendy, thanks for your kind words!

Faith, I like the idea of celebrating this...I’ll definitely mention it to my H!

It’s been a big week.  DD went to a new counsellor, and seemed to have a good feeling about her.  The counsellor had a “great idea” about the meds she said she couldn’t take because they were too big...she told DD to go to pharmacist to see if there were options of smaller ones. (I suggested that months ago! LOL).  DD got the smaller ones and started to take them!  We also went to the open house at the college she has been accepted to.  She had the opportunity to ask a list of questions she had prepared, so hopefully that will ease some of the anxiety. 

Like you said, it’s sometimes hard to celebrate these successes. For me, it’s almost like I don’t want to “jinx it”.  It’s even been hard for me to share with people her plans for the fall...the “what if” sometimes creeps in!  I’m doing my best to live in the present, and I’m trying to fit in time for myself.  As we know, it’s all about balance!   
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« Reply #17 on: April 13, 2019, 09:29:06 PM »

Yes that is it. Live in the present. Celebrate what there is to celebrate.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #18 on: April 14, 2019, 11:44:20 AM »

  Big week 1hope  

Excerpt
these 'baby steps' are the foundation of our hope. So I think you should do something special and fun just for you and H to celebrate how awesome you are.
So true Faith! Self care, self validation, seize the sweet moment 

Excerpt
For me, it’s almost like I don’t want to “jinx it”.
I have read this often here as I'm sure you have 1hope and I completely get you all, I share the badge. It took me time to recognise accept those significant and determined small steps of learning, helping themselves..in the driving seat. Awesome your DD acknowledges she needs support managing her anxiety, steps towards taking control, she's looking for answers.   

Do you think it maybe helpful to keep a log of the positives, achievements of you and H ~ and DD as they happen that you can look back to. I remember you going on holiday with DS 

WDx
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