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Author Topic: Heartbroken and needing urgent help, is it really over this time...?  (Read 512 times)
Sufferingsoul34
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« on: March 30, 2019, 05:09:24 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335174.msg13044745#msg13044745

This topic is carrying on from my last topic and a lot of typing here is mainly for therapy for myself as I feel like I’m going insane...

If you don’t have time to read the other comments this is a brief summary. An update to that is that my wife has just discarded me after 6 years married and 7 years together and I have moved out and currently am on a plane back to the uk which seems like the toughest time in my life.

My wife and I have issued issues ever since our honeymoon, she’s had a lot of rages and even got us fired from our cruise ship jobs because she didn’t like that I went to the bar for a friends birthday for 2 drinks (whilst she was avoiding me for 4 Days before hand). She went into a violent rage and literally hit me 30/40 times, ripped up money and destroyed our room completely. Neighbours heard the violence and we both ended up getting dismissed. I didn’t know about BPD then and I just thought she has a temper as I was blinded by love.

Time goes on and I appeal to get my job back to clear my name, I go back to the ship and she said it’s ok. I ended up stayingonbaord just over 2 months as I had to give notice. She asked me to only go on for 30 days but I wanted to give full notice. She held that in against me (probably the fear of abandaonment) but I didn’t know about BPD at the time and I might have felt different in decision making if I did have more knowledge. Anyway it happened and I met her in Denver where we stayed for around a year. I was flying back and forth as I was only allowed in the country for 3 months at a time as I’m a british citizen. It cost me a fortune but I was doing what I could to see my wife as much as I could. In Denver it turns out she was seeing some married police officer in punishment to me going back onboard, she says they didn’t do anything but she was very tempted so we ended up moving.

After numerous times doing this, I was told by immigration that I can only stay one month and not enter for 6 months because I had been visiting too often. This desoteyed me thinking I wouldn’t be able to see my wife so I was asking her to file the paperwork which eventually she did (it took one year as I think she loved the control of it). Then she came to England.

Six months later papers approved and I’m moving to the states with her. We have had ups and downs like all couples and whenever we get closer she seems to push me away and pull me back in but I don’t know, this time seems different. I have read the article on breaking up with a BPD and I am worried that she’s completly done and finished all the cycles with me and onto the next which destroys me.the cycles seem to be worst just before I was heading back to England to visit my family ( which looking back was probably her fear of abandonment as her dad left the family when she was 6 years old).

Last year she went to do an internship in Washington DC. Even before that she was like you don’t have to come with me, I said I want to you’re my wife. Then she’s like I don’t want you to come, I want you to come, are you coming. So eventually I ended up going there. Things were great up until the last week there, more than great. Getting on better than ever, then on the last week the same stuff. I want a divorce completly out of nowhere. I was asking people for advice and they said if she’s set on something just agree because nothing you can do about it. So I said ok then this isn’t want I want but I respect your decision. She did all the papers and sent them to me so I looked through them and printed them and left them on the lounge table. The papers were there for the final week that we were in dc and weren’t mentioned again, I was an absolute mess and posting on here a lot. On the last evening she said to me that she’s going out partying with friends for her last night. A big step for me as in the past I wouldn’t have called her bluff but this time I said ok then, I’m going out to party too, have fun. Then left. 2 hours later she’s messaging me saying she’s still at home. I said I’m out but will be back in an hour or so. I go back and she’s just in our bedroom doing work. . I ask if she wants to go for food or a beer as she was implying I come back in the texts. She says nahhh I’m k. Like a game, so again I called her bluff and said ok then I’m going out bye. So off I went to the pub again. 30 mins later she texts saying she’s horny, her wild card so I left and spent the night with her. I gave in and we watched a movie etc.

The following day I was very sad not knowing if I was ever going to see her again but she didn’t take the divorce papers with her and I said bye, I love you and she went back to her state and I flew back to the up in a distraught mess.

I ended up drinking a lot back in England and she was sending some hurtful messages at times, then random messages asking if we should meet somewhere for sex, then another one if we should go on holiday. Then on another day something else, then it would be, I’ve thrown all of your stuff out so never come back. Was a different thing most days but I tried my best to ignore.

Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer so this was a very traumatic time for me as he’s my best friend. I told her about it and she was very caring about it all of it. She kept asking if I’m ever going to go back to Utah and I said I will come because I have stuff there but not until I know my dad is going to be ok. I think she felt like she wasn’t priority in my life for the first time ever so was being extra nice, chasing me and in the end she came to England for a week as she wanted to see me. I ended up flying back to the states with her and we were fine, until one week ago...

Last Friday i hadjist got back from England where I’d been flrntne days seeing my family which I don’t think she likes as feels abandoned, but I have to see my family it’s important to me. So I came back and on the Friday she says she wants to move out to a new apartment with me her and our dog, I say ok great let’s move out, so we planned what we both would like in the apartment and ensured it’s dog friendly and we searched online. Found a few places which we said we would view the following day.

She wakes up early the next morning and says she doesn’t trust me financially and what I do with money and is moving out alone and started packing all of her stuff. I was shocked, like I’d just been dragged in getting my hopes on then boom out of nowhere she’s discarding me. The financial thing hasn’t been brought up for 2 years. I have abit of money in the up I use for living and emergencies really and she’s annoyed because I haven’t shown her my statements and things. The reason I didn’t two years ago was because she had just mentioned divorce for the first time then asking for statements and was in the middle of racking up credit card debts so I was conflicted on what to show her as this was pretty much all I had in terms of money and it wasn’t even that much to make a huge fuss over.

Anyway the whole weekend we were arguing and Sunday night she says she’s found a place and packs more, we continue arguing and she says she just wants a husband she can trust. Again if I knew more about borderlines two years ago I would have felt different about showing her everything as I know they have trust issues, but I did what I felt was right at the time. Sunday night she says she’s been having sex with guys, been doing all sorts, because it’s revenge to me and she would rather I cheated on her that hide any money from her. This is beside the fact that I pay absolutely everything the rent food car insurance, her only responsibility is her credit card debts which she still says are my fault for her $26k shopping sprees.

Anyway This week she stayed at our apartment and we didn’t really talk, she started small conversations Wednesday night and Thursday morning asked what my plans were. I told you I hadn’t decided yet but I’m not sure if that was the right answer or not. But what’s done is done, maybe she was fishing for something else? Thursday night another rage and she says she just wants a husband she can trust so is moving out Friday.

Last night which was Friday, I get home from seeing friends and she comes back to see the kids (her brothers kids ere visiting for the weekend and had just arrived. I thought she was justbthere to visit them but she ended up staying there night in bed with me. We just slept but I thought for somebody so angry and insistent on moving out, why is she still here...

Today in the morning she starts packing the rest of her things so I don’t say anything for a while. Then I said to her I thought you were moving yesterday? She said you don’t care about me. So I told her how much I care and love her and this isn’t what I want at all.
She carried on packing and again the discussion about finances and why she’s cheated is because of my hidden money. I said well in Denver that was before any money and you still were booking up with the police officer, she said yeh Cos I was so angry you were on the cruise ship and that Destroyed everything. I understand Now with her being BPD how that must have been a massive emotional thing for her but at the time I felt I needed to go back to clear my name for her mistake.
That fight even goes into question in our argument today and I said the only reason I went back was to clear my name, I was trying not to JADE too much. She says she took all the blame for it and really it should be 50/50 blame. I literally stayed calm with my wife physically punching me and didn’t lay a finger on her for the record.

Anyway she carried on trying to make me feel bad so I jistbsaid I’m sorry that you feel extra anxiety because of my money issues. I explained a small business in starting with my brother in the uk which also brings in extra income now and that I’ve always tried to support her and I’m sorry that she feels this way. I used to have a gambling addiction and lost like $20k so that’s why I didn’t want to show previous statements a few years ago because I was shamed of my addiction and what I’d lost and didn’t want to lose her because of itZ we both started crying as she knows I go to gambling addiction classes etc. then I was about to write a note and she says don’t write a note, you do that every time we break up. So I printed the note from the notes I had and left it for her saying I forgive her for cheating and I understand that she’s suffering inside. I explained again my financial situation in the uk and she can see it if she wants too. She says it’s too late when we were talking but it helped me abit writingabout it in the letter.

Yesterday I felt the most depressed I’ve been in my life and even almost suicidal, she had literally ripped my heart out and especially after thinking in my head that we would be moving in to a place together. This morning I couldn’t handle being in the apartment alone so when she was packing I packed my stuff too and said I am leaving too if you are. It was like she was conlficted as tknwhether she wanted me to leave or not but her head was dead set on leaving as I’m pretty sure I’m being painted very black right now so nothing I can do. We had another cry and I said good bye to the dog which was hard. Then I was about to leave and she says do you want a lift to the airport? Which I was shocked about, maybe she was ensuring I got on a plane or was just being nice but I don’t know. In the car journey i don’t want to talk and stress about what we had just talked about so it was quite silent then justbgeneal chat about other things. We got to the airport and I said this isn’t want I want to do, I love you, you’re an amazing person and I’m sorry if you suffer for things in life but I care so much for you and hope you’ll be safe. Then I got out of the car got my bags and said I don’t want to do this, and left. The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but my car is there (under both our names) and there wasn’t even mention of divorce papers this time so I have no idea. Although a few weeks ago when in Englandshe went me a random text saying by the way she can file for divorce alone if she wants. So I don’t know what to do,
My head is everywhere and I feel like I’m going absoluteltninsane hence writing this now which was supposed to be brief... anybody experience anything similar? I read there is a lot of push pull relationships in the group and I don’t even know if I’ve done the right thing but I’m currently on a flight back to England because for my own sanity I thought I have to get out of her state for now anyway. My hope is that we can have space to breath, she has her final exams of her degree and finishes beginning of May so maybe the stress of that is playing a part, plus I’m not sure if she’s been taking her Prozac regularly when i was in England which helps her BPD a lot.

Any advice or similar stories would be great. I’m hoping after breathing we can get back together and have a shared bank acccount which I’ve asked for many times but she said no everytimw I’ve asked even though she tells me that I’m the one that don’t want to share things. Also the terms for me going back would be therapy individual at first. Anyway sorry for the essay and hope some of you get some insight from it and any feedback on my situation would be great as I have never felt pain like this before and don’t even see light at the end.

Thank you
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2019, 08:10:22 PM »

Hi.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It sounds like you have been on an emotional roller coaster and that feels horrid.  Once someone starts throwing the word divorce around it really ups the ante and makes it difficult to get back to a good place. 

Given all of the push / pull from the both of you (more so her) I think some distance and time away will be good, though still difficult.  Taking time to get your thoughts and emotions together for yourself is the most important thing you can do right now.  At the same time you will give her the time and space she needs to settle in.  A lot of times the more contact you have, even via text, just keeps the dysregulation going for the both of you.  She needs time and so do you.  Can you commit to reducing the amount of calls and texts you make to her? 

What sort of support do you have in the UK?  Your brother right?  How is your Dad doing?   I am concerned about you and want to make sure you will not be isolating yourself. 
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2019, 05:50:39 AM »

I have a good family and a few friends around the uk so that helps and they’ve been a good support but it’s still so so hard.

I think one thing that I do well is I manage to control myself not to reach out and text or call her. I have no idea how I will react though when she contacts me whether it be to say she misses me or to file the divorce or some other abuse so that’s causing me anxiety.

I am tempted to go no contact for a month and change my number to get my head sorted but it’s so hard and I think even if I change my number, I will be putting my old SIM card in my phone everyday to see if she’s messaged me.

My dad got the all clear from the cancer in December so that’s good.

I am in the uk now with family and having stop crying. Literally don’t know what’s going to happen and I just have so many regrets and wish I’d done things differently, I know she’s getting into my head from what she said and not taking responsibility for her actions but it’s still so hard.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2019, 05:37:42 PM »

I spoke to a therapist today... also her therapist of 6 months and he thinks I should contact her within a day or two to say

I just want to let you know I got home safely, hope you’re doing ok.
I feel like that you were pretty clear that you needed me to leave and that hurt so I came back to England to give you and myself some space. I just want you to know that this isn’t where I want to be but we have some serious things that we need to talk about and figure out.

Any opinions on this?
My gut is saying not to message her just yet and to wait for her but he says this is a good idea so she doesn’t feel abandoned... so my brain is in conflict
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loyalwife
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« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2019, 06:29:08 PM »

In a situation like this, the 'right' thing is do, is to do the 'right' thing for you.  Yes, it's true that N.C., and non-response is a good answer, but it is not the only one. As complicated as it sounds, the decision is yours. What does your heart say to do? Your therapist has suggested this, and it doesn't need to be more than that. Practice saying it, over and over until you feel confident.

When my husband left me after presenting divorce papers etc., he went on a long crazy road trip for a month. I'd gotten prepared for it going one way or the other, and regardless I would be okay. (so will you). I thanked him for the time together, and that I was moving on. And like you, it was not the choice I wanted, but I loved him enough to let go. After that, he admitted that he didn't want a divorce either, and we were back together. Since that time, he's recycled many times and it never gets easy. I go back time again to the day that I was willing to let go, as it is and always will be an option.

Follow your heart. I wish you well, and hope the best result for you.

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« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2019, 10:16:35 PM »

Hi again.  First, I am so happy to hear about your dad!  that is wonderful news.

I agree with loyalwife that the right thing to you has to be right for you.  I think waiting a bit to send that message is a good idea.  Time and distance is important if she is currently pulling away from you.  When someone is doing that, trying to pull them back is usually does not go well.  Wait, pull back a bit and play the long game. 

Excerpt
My gut is saying not to message her just yet and to wait for her but he says this is a good idea so she doesn’t feel abandoned... so my brain is in conflict
Well, I am in the don't message yet camp but others may chime in with a different opinion.  You do need to follow your gut on this and make your own choice.  I will say that yes, people with BPD can have fear of abandonment but again the best approach here is to give them space to self-soothe and wait for them to get out of this dysregulation, while still staying close enough to convey stability and emotional security.

In the meantime, work on you and your own mental health.  Depression and anxiety are so hard to deal with, especially in such stressful times.  You want to take care of that now so that when/if you do decide to contact her you can present your best self, strong, confident and stable.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2019, 05:15:29 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) harri: How do I stay close enough to convert stability and insecurity without contacting her?

@loyal wife: my heart says I just want to be with her but also giving her abit of space might be good but also I don’t want her moving on completely from me. I remember last time she was contacting me after abit but I don’t know, this time feels different but maybe last time felt different st the time too and it’s my brain playing games.
@loyal wife: so did your husband contact you during this week on the road trip?

I woke up having mixed emotions again today, blaming myself, thinking I shouldn’t have left America and should have just stayed there to wait things out abit so she didn’t feel abandoned, but then thinking about it I was so hurt being there alone and I felt she’d crossed a boundary by saying she’s leaving. Then with me leaving she feels abandonment so kind of a no win scenario...
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2019, 08:06:25 AM »

Also it keeps playing on my mind that last Thursday in the morning she was asking my plans and I said I hadn’t decided yet... maybe I should have said I want to move in with you... but then again I’m not sure if it would have changed anything if she had already signed a lease for a house share like she said she had done.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2019, 02:38:42 AM »

I couldn’t sleep during the night because of thinking of her... this is torture...

I am thinking to send her this:
 I have just sent the health insurance information to your email. I just want to let you know that I got back to my hometown safely, hope you’re doing ok.
I feel like that you were pretty clear that you needed me to leave and it hurt me a lot to leave you and ‘the dog’, so I came back to England to give you and myself some space. I just want you to know that this isn’t where I want to be.

But I am worried about her reaction, maybe I should wait a day or two for when my head is in abbetter mental response. I don’t want to break up with her even after everything she’s done. Any recommendations on what I am thinking to send her? She asked me to send the health insurance info. When she was driving me to the airport. I know she’s painting me black st the moment and I’ve heard somewhere or read somewhere that if they have s right or are feeling down about something then they are more likely to reach out to the non BPD? I remember this happened last time about 6 months ago and I messed her just to say I hope you’re ok. And she responded saying ‘only contact me if it’s about divorce’
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« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2019, 03:09:07 AM »

Hello Sufferingsoul, and I am sorry to hear of your suffering.

It is difficult for me to give advice as I know I would be contemplating the same as you myself. I am also being painted matt black right now since last night. About your message... What about saying you are letting her know you got back to England, you are missing her and hope she is doing ok? Try and keep it really short. I am just thinking of my own partner and how she would react. I try to not give too many openings for major conflict, but you know what they are like.

The other part of me says you should wait this out. You said this happened six months ago and she snapped at you about divorce. Yet still something panned out and you are now here, again. These cycles are crazy. I was going seriously mad a couple of moths ago. The torture was just too much. I think relationships with pwBPD are VERY trying, particularly when they won't get professional help or are not consistent with it. From my viewpoint here, I suspect she will be in contact. This is a long game. Sorry I can't be of more help. I am in the trenches myself now and shudder to think of what the next week/days/hours may bring. Good luck and hang in there. Try keep a level head if you can. Maybe keep the conversation minimal and light?
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« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2019, 03:23:22 AM »

Excerpt
@loyal wife: so did your husband contact you during this week on the road trip?
At first the messages were volatile and full of hate. He would call yelling at me, and it was never pleasant. This went on for about a week, as I would email him, and try to get him to see things differently. It got very bad, before there was a turn. He not only blocked me from social media, he let me know he was destroying any reference to us, pictures etc. I finally stopped communicating with him, and then out of the blue, he said he would come back under "conditions". He came back, left again several times more (that was two years ago). In the last two years, I can't count how many times, he's slept in the office on a couch, threatened suicide and now, he wants a divorce, again.

Once, after a major episode he said "You should think long and hard about being with me for the rest of your life." And he was right. There comes a time that you have to think about yourself, and stop trying to reverse the inevitable. No matter what you say to her, she won't hear anything other than what her brain and emotions are telling her. As you have read here with others, many go back and forth, back and forth, and some never come back. My husband is one that I don't believe will ever be back, fully. Once they cross the line, and have left, then it is so much easier to do again.

I know you are hurting and that your heart is breaking. Understand though, that she is not feeling any of that. To her, the actions she is taking are justifiable and that if she just eliminates you from her life, then her life will be much better. Perhaps it will be for a while, as she can blame you and feel as though she is control. I'd only send her the message about insurance, as she requested. To tell her that you didn't want to leave, is not new to her. She knows that, and that is why she feels so much in control. Why not leave your feelings as a mystery to her, so she can neither use it against you or hurt you further? Short to the point, courteous, but not emotional. Easier said than done, because as of tonight, I'm in the same position that you are. Not exactly, but my husband took off his wedding ring (for the hundredth time) and wants a divorce. They don't change, they don't always get better, and running away is their best recourse.

I'm so sorry that you hurt, but you are not alone. I feel the pain of loving someone that doesn't want my love, and yet just 24 hours ago, said he loved me. Here's what I am doing to do: nothing. I'm not broken, he is. So, if you want to save your sanity, take care of your health and emotional well being, then stop being her whipping board. She will wonder why you haven't responded with more emotion, and it will bring her back. Or, if it doesn't, then you are further along the road to recovery.

Stay strong. Gather your support close to you, and keep an open heart. Even though you aren't begging her to return, you can still maintain a spot for her if she so choses to come back.  My best to you.                                        
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Harri
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« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2019, 03:56:36 PM »

Excerpt
harri: How do I stay close enough to convert stability and insecurity without contacting her?
  Actually what I said was you want to convey stability and security.

You do that by being centered within yourself.  Understanding your goal and taking reasoned steps to achieve that goal while realizing this is a long game. 

You have already learned the more you try to pull her back the more she pushes you away so stop pulling.  I get the feeling and the urge to do so... it can be overpowering at times but it is not in your best interest nor is it likely to lead to healthy reconciliation.   Work on you.  Give her space.  Get a handle on your anxiety no matter how hard it it focus on self care and if you need to get some counseling.  Post here and apply the lessons we talk about.  Learn the tools and practice them here. 

That way, when it is time to reach out to her you can present yourself as being sad but not destroyed and calm rather than anxious.  She is going to want to see that in you.

We can help you here.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2019, 04:03:05 PM »

I still haven’t sent her a message. I keep having moments I feel ok and moments I feel dreadful and blaming myself for everything and wanting to turn the clock back. I am tempted to send a message just about the insurance and that’s it as then she will know I am still thinking and care for her, but also tempted to say i miss her too. I haven’t been in the right headspace so far this week and worried that anbad response would destroy me so I haven’t sent a message yet. Anybody have any advice of how their partner has reacted after something then leaving and you trying to contact them? I guess every couple is different depending on circumstances but I don’t want to push her away further by not contacting her but also don’t want her to destroy me with an abusive response which I am not sure I can handle just now. I do miss her so much it’s reallt like an addiction and I’m having withdrawals.
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« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2019, 01:13:13 AM »

When my husband left on a fiasco across the U.S., to hide his car (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)), he was absolutely untouchable. He had asked for N.C. and filed divorce papers. At the time, he wanted nothing more than to 'erase' me. Like you, I needed to contact him about insurance etc., and wrote him a short note to that effect, nothing more. He emailed me back, and of course said something about it being my fault that our lives unraveled. We started to communicate this way, rockily for a few days. One morning out of the blue, he asked if we could have some concessions. It was the beginning of the reconciliation. Not all circumstances are the same of course, but I believe that if you stay with the facts only, and leave emotion out of it you will get a better response.

I know you are hurting, and I'm so sorry that you do. I lost a lot of weight, basically sat in the same spot for a month, and my life drained from me. One day, I thought about what a future might look like alone. I started slowly, caring a little bit more about my appearance, food intake and exercise. It was a slow recovery, but what I found was that when he finally came "back", I wasn't waiting for him. Not that I went out and looked for someone else, it's just that I rediscovered that I was ignoring my needs. You look more attractive to someone if they think that you may not need them.

I've been on the verge of annihilation like you, and didn't know if I could get through one final time. You have that chance now, but make it known that you just mean business. That in itself will spark a response from her. She'll feel anxious that you aren't talking about how much you miss her. She already knows that!  It's normal to have withdrawals from these relationships. They are intoxicating and high and low. Funnel your energy. Have you thought of getting a new puppy? Or a rescue?  I know how you loved and missed the one that you both had. It may help you a lot. Also, if she ever found out that you did, she'd see that you had moved on and that she was next Smiling (click to insert in post)  Sending you the best, now and always. 

 
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« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2019, 05:42:30 PM »

how you feeling today, Ss34? any update?
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« Reply #15 on: April 09, 2019, 06:34:34 AM »

Thanks for all of the kind advice here. Helped me a lot, I was feeling abit better yesterday for the first time. I haven’t reached out to her at all yet, and for the first time I am starting to think is she really the girl for me or not if she’s treating me the way she has been, surely there’s more to life than this. Maybe it’s my subconscious kicking in and telling me to walk away.

Then I have moments I really miss her and want to reach out to her but as my family keep reminding me, if somebody makes you feel like this every few months up to the point of nearly being suicidal, then how will it be if we have kids together and she does the same thing. I see their point and even now I don’t know what to do if she reaches out to me. I feel I’m giving her space.

I have an opportunity to move to a really nice apartment in a new city where I have a couple of friends and my brother also living there. It would be a six month contract and a fresh start there, I haven’t decided what to do yet but my gut feeling is telling me just to go for it and move on in life and find somebody who will appreciate me, then there’s the conflict in my brain again of thinking if I do this then it’s really over, but my wife has probably signed a 6/12 month lease for the shared house that she is living at, so I kind of don’t want to miss this opportunity as the apartment is next door to my friends with a beautiful sea view, and if anything will help my mindset it’s waking up to that view every morning, and the apartment won’t be up for rent for long... big decisions to be made, what should I do...?
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« Reply #16 on: April 09, 2019, 12:11:20 PM »

You sound so much better my friend.  So happy that you have reached the point that you are thinking of your future. It still hurts, of course, but the distance and time is helping. What a wonderful new start for you.
Excerpt
I kind of don’t want to miss this opportunity as the apartment is next door to my friends with a beautiful sea view,
Keep that in mind. Take a photo of the view on your phone and keep looking at it and picture yourself already there. I used to use the horizon as a way of coping with the past, you have the sea.

The next steps will be to N.C. her. As painful as that sounds, it is the only way to disengage.  It is for your protection. You deserve someone that appreciates you and it's so wonderful that you haven't kids with her. Life will be full and free of the drama.

Keep strong and keep the view in mind. I can almost hear the seagulls Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: April 15, 2019, 11:45:15 PM »

As the days have gone on I have been thinking about my wife less. I still haven’t made one bit of contact with her since leaving the States. Mainly to help my own sanity. I know she is really busy in her finally semester of school as she graduates at the beginning of May so maybe she is delaying the next steps in her future too.

I applied for the apartment by the sea as I went to stay there for a couple of days and it’s beautiful. It’s a six month contract to concentrate on myself so hopefully I will get the apartment. I feel as though I need a fresh start.

But somedays I wake up and feel this is the best thing to do, all of my family are in England and it’s nice to be close to all of them, they are so happy to have me back in the UK as they just have suffered seeing me in the pain I was in over the past few years, but I woke up in the middle of the night having a nightmare about my ex, completely out of nowhere, thinking that she is marrying somebody else. The nightmare is so real, like I cannot get rid of her in my mind and I didn’t want her to marry somebody else. Now I have many thoughts that maybe she’s completely over me and found somebody else and that’s why I’ve not heard from her, as this is the longest it’s ever been without us contacting each other. I know it’s helping me but I’m not sure if it’s helping our marriage as maybe she is feeling completely abandoned but then I look back and think that she put me on the edge of suicide two weeks ago so obviously I cannot handle these cycles if they were to carry on the way they were, so it’s like my subconscious is telling me not to contact her for now and just to breathe and focus on myself, as hard as that is. As I don’t want her to feel completely abandoned but I feel contacting her may not be the best idea for my sanity just yet.
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« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2019, 04:48:16 PM »

Update... I was feeling a lot better today and hoping to get an answer for that apartment tomorrow and out of the blue I get a message from my wife saying ‘hope you’re doing well’ what do I do? Do I even respond? I don’t know how she has a sixth sense but I feel she doesn’t even deserve a response for how she’s treated me
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« Reply #19 on: April 17, 2019, 04:52:35 PM »

i dont think it requires a response, but if you want to, i dont think anything more than "you too" is necessary.
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« Reply #20 on: April 17, 2019, 05:09:10 PM »

Now she sent another one saying
Hey, do you plan on coming back to town sometime? The Prius is under your name on the title so you’re the only who one can sell it, I can’t. Also, since the insurance was cancelled the bank was going to add it’s own insurance which was a lot so I had to reinstate the policy and backpay from when it was cancelled. Even if no one is driving the car, insurance is required. So I put insurance on it again through my name and bank account but I don’t want to keep paying for it obviously and I can’t sell it either. So let me know what you think we should do.
I’ve no idea what to say to that, it’s lile she has a special power over me and stresses me a lot just knowing she’s messaged, almost like a fear.
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« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2019, 05:21:08 PM »

keep it "just business".
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« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2019, 10:50:39 PM »

What do you mean by that? Just regular chat and say I will look into it?
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« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2019, 06:25:08 AM »

Ah I know what you mean, just keep the conversation to do with the car.
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« Reply #24 on: April 18, 2019, 01:23:15 PM »

yeah. set emotion aside as it pertains to your responses. take what she says at face value, respond at face value.

have you heard of the BIFF technique?
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« Reply #25 on: April 18, 2019, 03:36:06 PM »

No I haven’t? Where can I find information on that?
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« Reply #26 on: April 18, 2019, 03:50:50 PM »

right here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0
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« Reply #27 on: April 19, 2019, 02:09:51 PM »

Great! Thank you so much.
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« Reply #28 on: April 20, 2019, 08:50:18 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached the post limit and has been locked.  Please feel free to continue the discussion in a new thread.  thanks for participating.
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