what parts of my character were shaped by growing up with a BPD parent and why?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I came to this forum because I think that sharing experiences with other people who have been through similar things might help me sort out what parts of my character might be shaped by growing up with a BPD parent and why. And maybe I can help do the same for others. My dad is BPD, I have been out of contact with him now for over 10 years but I still really struggle with a lot of things. Sometimes I can trace fears or behaviours back to my dad but some things I'm still just really confused about, whether behaviours of mine are healthy or not and how to change them. In particular I recently recognised that I find it hard to live without chaos and crisis and I don't know how to work on this.

[Magic8]

Hello, I came to this forum because I think that sharing experiences with other people who have been through similar things might help me sort out what parts of my character might be shaped by growing up with a BPD parent and why. And maybe I can help do the same for others. My dad is BPD, I have been out of contact with him now for over 10 years but I still really struggle with a lot of things. Sometimes I can trace fears or behaviours back to my dad but some things I'm still just really confused about, whether behaviours of mine are healthy or not and how to change them. In particular I recently recognised that I find it hard to live without chaos and crisis and I don't know how to work on this.

[zachira]

You have come to the right place to find support and recover from growing up with a father with BPD. We have many members on this Board who have been affected by being raised by a parent with BPD. We are all in different stages of recovery. For many of us, a key part of the recovery has been posting here and learning from other members. Can you tell us a little more about how having a father with BPD affects you now and how we can be the most helpful?

[Harri]

Hi!  Let me join zachira in saying welcome!   We are all working on understanding our relationship with our pwBPD (person with BPD) and healing and recovering from that relationship. 

Some of us are still in contact with our family members, others are no contact and others are some where in between.  A few of us, like me, have parents who have passed but we are still trying to understand.

I recently recognised that I find it hard to live without chaos and crisis and I don't know how to work on this.

Can you describe what happens, how this feels?  Sometimes putting the feelings into words, being as specific as possible, can help.

I hope you share more and get comfortable here.  Feel free to jump into threads and post.  We all help and support each other here.  It is good to have you join us.

[Magic8]

Thanks for your supportive replies. I guess re. the tendency to need crisis situations, I've had feedback from my partner that 'there always has to be something' that's a problem in our relationship. I think he is right but I also see real problems and I can't just ignore them. And I tend to see things in a very 'make or break' way - if something is not getting better the only way out is to leave the relationship. Maybe this is a throwback to the only possibly solution to my relationship to my dad being to leave it altogether?

I just find it hard to imagine that I'll ever be in a place in my life where I don't feel the need to turn everything on its head, where I can just feel that 'this is my life now and that's fine' and live it without there being at least one major thing that I have to stress over and fix.

I just feel really confused all the time, especially when it comes to my romantic relationship. I feel the need to be very protective of myself, like I have to police the relationship really carefully to avoid being hurt or taken advantage of, but I also feel as if I'm in a terrible place to judge what is safe/Ok and what isn't. It's incredibly stressful. I know this isn't directly related to BPD but I feel like this fear and confusion must come from having a very chaotic, abusive and manipulative upbringing.

I guess what I hope for is just to share with others who have had similar experiences and know what helped them to heal, and to get some clarity on why I am struggling and how to help myself.

[Harri]

Hi again.

I know this isn't directly related to BPD but I feel like this fear and confusion must come from having a very chaotic, abusive and manipulative upbringing.

What we talk about here does not just focus on the pwBPD in our lives and their disorder but how that affected us and the ways we now have difficulty relating to the world so keep posting!  The value of remembering and processing the past is so we can get in touch with the emotions, process them as adults and learn skills to cope better in our own lives now.   It sounds like that is what you are hoping to achieve so settle in. 

Have you seen our Survivor to Thriver Program?  Each item is a pop-up so if you click on it you can read more info.  also at the bottom of the page is a link to the Manual which is a free download and discusses the steps in even more detail.  I think you might benefit by reading through them.

I feel the need to be very protective of myself, like I have to police the relationship really carefully to avoid being hurt or taken advantage of, but I also feel as if I'm in a terrible place to judge what is safe/Ok and what isn't.

This actually makes sense if you had an abusive childhood.  Self protection and defense is deeply ingrained by the time you reach adulthood.  But yes, this needs to change if you want to have healthy relationships now and chances are you are going to have more difficulty with the more intimate relationships.  Working through this takes time.  Being willing to tolerate the discomfort of being vulnerable and in taking the steps to override the almost instinctive reactions we have when feeling threatened (sometimes without even being aware that we are feeling threatened!).  We talk a lot about the Inner critic here (that voice that criticizes everything you do) but we also have an outer critic where we expect others in our lives / the world to treat us the same way our parents did (for example).  Our filters and lenses have been distorted (which is common after abuse) and we see danger every where.  I used to come up swinging, ready for a fight a lot.  I still do when badly triggered but have gotten a handle on it and it happens a lot less now.  When it does happen, it is less intense and I can usually talk myself through it.



The process takes time and hard work but it can be done.

[JNChell]

Hi, Magic8. Welcome to  bpdfamily. You’ve been met with some really good feedback. Try not to stress.  you’re well aware of how you feel. That’s a good place to be. We know what we know. I just borrowed that phrase from a senior member here. You’ll meet him. What that says is that we were taught by our parents. You were taught by your mother and father. You’re one of the lucky ones that came away from poor teaching with self awareness. Embrace that tightly.

Sometimes I can trace fears or behaviours back to my dad but some things I'm still just really confused about

I can relate. Looking back, do you feel that some of his actions were blatant, followed by other actions that kept you wondering? Confused? Off balance?

[Turkish]

Growing up,  were you cast into the role of Fixer, Peacemaker, or Rescuer? That could be either explicitly or implicitly.