It's been six years.

[thrownaway2]

Hello,

I am at a bit of a loss when navigating life after my first relationship. Lately, I feel particularly isolated and misunderstood. But worst of all I live each day feeling like I could simply die. Although I am not suicidal in the slightest, I greatly worry that my life will come crashing down around me if my ex chooses to resume her interest in me. I cannot even form a single question, offer any sense of direction for myself, and I merely wonder what I might possibly do from here.

Thanks for reading.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  You are in a really tough place right now and I am so sorry you are hurting.  It sounds like depression is a factor.  Do you agree?  It is good you are reaching out for support.  You ahve found a place where people understand and can support you through your grief so I am glad you reached out for help.

So has it been 6 years since your break up?  What happened?

I hope you share more and settle in and respond to other threads.  It really helps to reach out to others in similar situations as we can all relate if not to the specific situation, at least to many of the emotions.

[thrownaway2]

I do not agree that I have depression, and that's okay. People can be quite happy with their lives, even if the possibility of it all crashing to an end overshadows them. I am actually ordinarily happy and do not dwell on what happened.

Just because I do not dwell does not change the reality is that each day the base impulses of a sick person could abruptly halt everything I ever accomplished. All it takes is another scene at a workplace, an online review, a few choice words on social media involving #MeToo or worse.

I am not isolated and alone in this matter because of a depression that does not exist. I must silently harbor my experiences or else anyone will react with contempt, disgust, or anger. The splitting, devaluation, and intense emotional lability found in BPD is beyond comprehension for all those people out there who have no background experience in BPD. The matter because more than confusing: The idea of a woman inflicting violence flips everyone's preconceptions onto it's head. People, even anonymous forum posters online, will likely think that I am gross, misogynistic, and pathetic - especially in respects to any perceived criticism for the #MeToo movement.

The irony here is that it was my ex who demanded I have sex. Her proposition was to satisfy her or else she'd kill herself and make sure that everyone else knew it was all my fault. Back then it was difficult to leave someone like that. Although it makes sense to politely bow out, during those moments she was riled up and in a delicate state. I knew the consequences of leaving and tried to calm her down for both our sakes. I did ultimately leave though, even if it involved filing a police report.

But yes, I learned just how isolated and alone I really am in this after soliciting expert advice, attending NAMI and Coda meetings, and dealing with life the past several years. The experience itself, let alone the subsequent social media posts that instantiate I'm a rapist, must be kept to myself. My experience that plays a fundamental role in who I am as a person is irreconcilable with others.

[thrownaway2]

Thank you for the welcome. I have been signed up for a few years and tried some of the exercises shared here.

[once removed]

The irony here is that it was my ex who demanded I have sex. Her proposition was to satisfy her or else she'd kill herself and make sure that everyone else knew it was all my fault. Back then it was difficult to leave someone like that

i imagine so. its hard to know what i would do in that kind of a situation.

when is the last time you spoke to her?