paintedpebble
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3
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« on: April 06, 2019, 01:52:34 PM » |
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My partner has not been diagnosed with BPD, but exhibits many of the symptoms. I also have had difficulty regulating my emotions when I am triggered, although when he is triggered he gets loud, angry, very critical and I tend to wall off and/or shut down or run, although I also have found myself yelling back in a way that feels out of control once I break. His episodes can last for hours, start to wind down, and then ramp up again, and frequently center on the fact that I am not capable of listening to him without interrupting and that his feelings never get heard and that I "sh*t" on him and care more about defending myself and making it clear that I'm not at fault. I try very hard to listen without interrupting and validate his feelings, no matter how intense the situation is, and I am often capable of doing so successfully, but unfortunately, there are times when I reach a breaking point or something he's saying about me (or a stream of things he's saying) is so untrue and unfair that I feel I have to respond. And there are other times when I genuinely cannot figure out how or when I interrupted with him and he is convinced I have, but is unable to point out when it happened or remember what he was originally trying to say that never got said because I interrupted him.
When things are escalated, and he asks me a question, and I don't give a yes or no answer, he becomes irate and says I'm incapable of just answering a question. But the questions he asks me often feel like accusations or it feels as if they're being asked in order to build a case against me, and the answer isn't as simple as yes or no. If he asks a question on the way to making a point, and it doesn't get answered in the way he wants it to, he says that I've derailed him and that he never even got to say what he really wanted to say because I couldn't just give him the acknowledgement he needed and got hung up on defensiveness or over-explanation. But I don't know how to acknowledge something that isn't true and if I say "I understand that it feels that way for you", he gets angrier.
He's made it clear that he doesn't trust me or believe me, although he says that he has tried really hard to, because he believes I have difficulty acknowledging my feelings or experiences (and it's true that has always been a challenge for me because of my own childhood experiences which I have acknowledged, but I am trying harder than ever to own and express my truths and was on that path before we came together and am making real progress, although I'm far from where I'd like to be especially when I feel unsafe).
Each time we find ourselves in escalated conflict, situations from the past where he doesn't feel I was immediately honest or forthcoming get brought up again as evidence of my inability to do so. I've put in a lot of time and energy in listening to his feelings, acknowledging that I had difficulty in those moments and I can see how much it impacted him and expressing how I understand his feelings (he often gets angry when I say that and says "I don't think you do, I don't think you hear me at all", apologizing (apologizing often makes him feel more angry or frustrated - as he doesn't want me to focus on "how I screwed up" but on listening to and understanding his feelings), and we'll eventually come to what feels like really positive resolution, but the next time we're in conflict it all gets brought up again.
He's currently on medication for ADHD and anxiety, although he doesn't take it daily, and over the last few weeks he seems to be overwhelmed with anxiety. He's not sleeping well lately, and he has frequently woken up scared and angry in the middle of the night throughout the course of our relationship, and thinks I've been up and am just coming back to bed and woke him up in doing so. He experienced trauma as a child that occurred in the middle of the night most often, so this makes sense to me. He seems to be experiencing paranoia and delusions, in that he is extremely vigilant of, and angered by, a particular neighbor who drives by our house in different vehicles at different times of the day and night and he thinks I may be sneaking out at night to meet him, which I absolutely am not. He also sometimes thinks I've been using cocaine, because my energy seems like it to him, and I absolutely am not. There are multiple other things he's become convinced of at different times, even while he knows on some level they aren't true and can acknowledge that when he's calm, but he believes that he can read my energy and my thoughts and knows me so well, so he can tell when there's something going on. He has accused me many times of flirting or finding it difficult to not try to attract other men's attention, and while I can admit that looking good or being found attractive feels good sometimes, I know that I am a good, loving and respectful partner who is extremely attracted to him and not seeking anything else and am not an overly flirtatious person.
Reading about BPD symptoms, I can acknowledge that I have some of them as well. I also struggle with anxiety and jealousy and paranoia, and have had a very difficult time regulating my own emotions when triggered, especially early in our relationship (we've been together about 2 1/2 years). I've put in a lot of work on those areas of myself and though I'm far from where I'd like to be, I'm feeling hopeful about my progress and ability to acknowledge those feelings of my own, and not ruminate on them. Because of my own difficulties, I really do understand and sympathize when he gets stuck and/or scared and accusatory. I'm working most at seeking clarity and being able to see when my own fear or shame filters are triggered.
We are both good humans who are trying really hard to do things right in this relationship, and on our own individual journeys, and we are both hurting and frustrated and scared. I don't know what to expect from posting here, but I don't feel that I can talk about what I'm experiencing openly with anyone in my life because I feel that they'll just tell me he's crazy or verbally abusive and tell me to leave. I'm reading books and seeking information and working hard to take care of myself and work on my own behavior but I just don't know what to do when he becomes convinced that I'm the enemy and reminds me again and again how awful I've been to him, but then gets angry when I get sad or tearful or apologetic because he says I'm focusing on my own feelings and not his. He has said that I've loved him better and validated him more than anyone in his life ever has, but has also said that I've "screwed him over worse than anyone and he can't believe what I've done to him and how little I care about his feelings".
I'm worried I'm losing the battle against his mind, and that he will end up doing irreversible damage to our relationship or to himself. We also both have teenage children from previous relationships who live with us about half of the time, and while he exercises better control of his expression of his feelings with them, things can get pretty tense. He can easily feel disrespected, un-cared for, not listened to or responded to, and gets angry when he perceives any of us acting like we are afraid of him, so any nervousness, tension, or apology has the ability to trigger more frustration and reaction, and he is very acutely aware of body language and facial expressions.
I wish I had the words to express how loving and inspirational and joyful and patient and thoughtful and sensitive a man he is when not in the grip of this. Because he truly is that man as well. He is highly intelligent and very articulate, and I've never had a partner who expressed so much love and appreciation and spent so many hours in communication and been willing to make themselves vulnerable and share so much of who they are. It breaks my heart when he talks about how broken and damaged he is, because he offers so much goodness so much of the time, but it gets diminished by the difficult times.
I'm open to advice, but I think I also just needed to get this all out of my head and it would feel good to know that I'm not alone. That we're not alone. Thanks for reading.
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