Angry

[kylie34]

This is going to be some venting.

I have had a pretty good control of my emotions for the last few months. I have had moments of sadness about the state of my relationship with uBPD mom and I've worked through them. But today I am angry and I want to tell her how much she's hurting me and bringing unnecessary conflict in my life. That she's selfish and petty and needs to grow the F up.

I graduate from law school in one month. I have worked my tail off for 3 years, and finally, the day where I can relish in the fact that I made it is almost here. Not just three years of being a graduate student and dealing with all of the stress and self-doubt that comes with it. No, I have had to deal with the worst of her rages that I have ever experienced for the last three years. I have had to deal with some of her most violent outbursts during the last three years. I have gone NC and LC with her multiple times just so I can focus on classes and exams. I have had my GI issues flare up during these episodes and it has made me physically ill many times.

So, I think making it to graduation is a big deal. It's a day for me to celebrate my accomplishment & thank those who have supported me. But I dread it and it really makes me mad that I do. Fiance's parents have invited themselves. They want to come support me and celebrate this accomplishment. But my mother absolutely hates my fiance & his parents. She literally can't speak their names without going off. She has told me multiple times how much she wants to curse them out and tell them what terrible people they are. She wishes out loud for the death of my fiance. She has told me she prays I never bear his children because she can't stand the fact that his family would be related to the baby. Her hate is real and deep and very, very disturbing. (And as I write her words, I wonder, wait- why haven't I completely cut her off?)

It is infuriating that for one day, I can't trust her to be a pleasant person. That she can't see this as a positive thing. That she is judgemental and can't give people a chance. That she harbors such hatred over people because of things that are insignificant or just not worth the degree of anger she feels. That there is no getting through to her. Why? Why will every important event in our lives produce this anxiety. Why do I have to live separate lives, one with my uBPD and father, and one with my fiance and future in-laws? Why can't I plan on having a "normal" wedding or future family gatherings with just the typical amount of drama? I can't just ditch my husband and kids in the future because my mother can't stand my husband. When will I have to say, enough is enough?

I have been sad about this for a few days and I've distracted myself but now I'm just pissed. Nobody I know really understands what this is like. People say, just split your time.  But no. That's not okay. I feel punished and for what? For living my life my way? F this.   

[Turkish]

Saying things like that about anybody is beyond nasty, much less the father of your future children and your mother's grandchildren.  How do you see things in the future and what do you want to do?

Congratulations on graduating law school.  That's quite an accomplishment 

[kylie34]

Thank you Turkish.

I think my future family interactions will be few. We moved away to another state and I think my father will visit. I don't think she will because she won't want to stay at my home if my fiance is there. He has offered to go stay at a hotel if she wants to visit but that just isn't okay. He shouldn't leave his home because of her.  I will have to see her when I can go down to Florida and I will probably have to go alone.

At this point, I want to elope because I know she'll either refuse to go or cause a scene. The possibility of these scenarios gives me much anxiety.  But it's hard to make that decision because we want my father and my in-laws there.

 I think I need to just establish our own family traditions. I already have spent the last 2 Thanksgivings away from my parents because of her. Last Christmas I visited them alone for Christmas Eve dinner, then left to go my fiance's family's gathering. Then Christmas day I went to visit my parents alone again. But now that we live in another state, and once kids come in the picture,  it won't be that simple.

[LottaO]

Kylie34 - Wow! That is quite the story. I can definitely relate. My mother told me the night of my wedding that I shouldn't marry my now-husband, though she never said anything before. But since then, she's looked for anything he says or does to jump on to show why I shouldn't have married him over the past four years. He has bent over backwards to make sure we see her at every holiday, which I thought would help. (I've learned that no matter what he does, she'll say he/we should have done something else or it wasn't enough to show her we love her.)

Now, we have a brand new baby and she won't come see her if my husband is here. I wonder how did we get to this point. She doesn't like his family either, and they too have been really nice and pleasant when have been together in the past. I'm like why can't you just pretend to get along for the sake of the baby?

Maybe in someways its one more person taking attention away from her? Same with your mom?

Do the best you can, plan your wedding, include her as much as possible, but if she doesn't want to be apart of it remember that is her decision. Enjoy your wedding and new marriage. It is your life and she got to make her own decisions for her own life.

I have to tell myself this too, as I am already dreading the first birthday, though its months away. I know my in-laws will want to be apart of it, but I want my family there too (we all live far apart), I'm not sure how that will all play out.
Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat more :-)

[Turkish]

Some attribute these behaviors to fear of abandonment,  but that isn't a trait of BPD, and BPD or not,  fears tend to be driven by underlying primary emotions.  For a pwBPD,  it's, "my feelings are worthless and don't matter; therefore, I'm worthless and don't matter." That is to say,  unworthy of love. 

Spouses,  friends,  even grandchildren are indeed like threats. A person whose dysfunctional coping mechanisms have "worked" is resistant or unable to grow past what's worked for decades.  This is survival mode. 

The communication tools can help reduce immediate conflict,  but they can't fix the person.

My mother wasn't nasty to me as an adult,  though she didn't like my ex (I didn't blame her), but given my primary family is my children,  I'd never leave them alone with her for more than a few minutes.  Even if she weren't becoming elderly,  like she were 10 years younger,  I wouldn't let her babysit my kids.  Supervised visitation.  I found out after she left my home that she bemoaned to my neighbor that she couldn't watch my son when he was a toddler.  She never asked, but I wouldn't have let her anyway,  even if she were 20 years younger (in her late 40s).  She could be kind,  but she was mentally ill.  No way.

She would talk about wanting to adopt again,  as I looked around at her filthy hoard (which wasn't as bad back then), and thought about all of the poor choices and weird people and situations she put me in contact with,  and I thought,  no way, I'd report her.  It was delusional thinking. 

[kylie34]

I think the assessment of it being a fear of abandonment is pretty spot on. I've dealt with it in the past in multiple ways. For years, I felt responsible to be my mother's best friend and her "husband." My mom has practically no friends and her marriage has no intimacy. So I feel like I've had to fulfill these roles for her by listening to her all her venting, especially about my father and their relationship, and to take her on "dates." As long I was single, she was happy. However, she changes her tune with me as soon as I get into a relationship. I would have to put off telling her about my relationships because as soon as she'd find out about the guy, she'd stalk him online and try to find everything wrong about him and his family based on whatever she found on google or social media. She's also trashed every single one of my friends. When I used to live with her, she put me through countless guilt trips for "choosing" to not spend time with her on my days off because I'd go out with friends to the beach, dinner, shopping, etc.

So yeah, it's a big threat to her that I'm getting married and moving on with my life. She loved my fiance until he told her one night that we were planning on moving away. After that, everything she had loved about him because everything she now hates about him. Every interaction between them thereafter has consisted of her trying to bait him with condescending comments and picking arguments. It's insufferable.

[Turkish]

That definitely sounds like she feels you are her partner.  This is a good book that talks about it:

Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Children Their Partners - Kenneth M. Adams, PhD

[sklamath]

Hi, Kylie34!

I think you have every right to feel angry. What your mother has said about your fiance and his family is just not right. Your graduation *is* a big deal and you deserve to be able to celebrate it--and to celebrate it how you want, with whom you want. When you say that your fiance's parents have invited themselves, are you OK with this? Because you have every right to choose how and with whom you want to celebrate the big events in your life. If your parents and future in-laws already have the event on their calendars, is there a way you can structure the day and assert your needs to make it the celebration you want?

My uBPD mom's issues with my in-laws are a little different, in that she idealizes them, then assumes that if they are so fantastic they must "think they are better than" her (they don't). I did not invite my parents to my commencement, as they had been the opposite of supportive of me finishing school; but I did invite my in-laws. I had a truly wonderful day with them, my husband, and a close friend. A couple weeks later, I casually mentioned to my mom that I had graduated. She didn't even ask me any questions, just immediately changed the topic to, "Do you know I once took a college class?" It confirmed that I made the right decision.

Before getting engaged, my now-husband and I would joke about how our ideal wedding would involve inviting our immediate families to a nice dinner, then hijacking them to go to the church and get married. In the end, we did exactly that, and the element of surprise and atmosphere of excitement didn't leave a lot of room for additional drama. I know that strategy wouldn't work for everyone, but in my uBPD's case, anything that reduces the amount of time she has to ruminate and reinforce a victim narrative is better.

[kylie34]

Thought I'd post an update here since I keep having flashbacks of my visit with my family pre-graduation and it's really distracting. I think they're becoming more frequent because I am supposed to see uBPD mom in a few weeks and when I think of it, I feel anxious and sick.  I really don't have any desire to visit my mom. I feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm and other times I don't.

Anyway, when I last saw her, it was because I was down for my law school graduation.  The first couple of days were superficial. I tried to bond with her by taking her on early morning walks because she needs that kind of push to start exercising on her own.  The first couple of walks were a bit draining for me. She spent them mostly complaining about my father and people in general. I heard a lot of stories for the millionth time. Then one morning I figured, I should talk to her about my fiance and his parents being at my graduation.  I figured, it was in public, she needed to know so she could deal with her feelings asap, and I was under the impression that she didn't know (I had told my dad about it but he said that he wouldn't be telling her and that I should). I practiced exactly what I would say over and over. All I said was hey, they're going to be there but I want you to know that I do not expect you to spend time with them or sit with them because I know how you feel about them. I just want you to know ahead of time of their presence so it doesn't catch you off guard.

I didn't think that was a bad or triggering way of wording it, but silly me.  I thought it validated her feelings- she doesn't like them, is uncomfortable, there's no pressure, etc. Her initial reaction was shock and surprise at the news. But then she immediately got upset and was like, Why are they coming? They have no reason to be there. They're nothing in your life. I said, well they're happy for me and want to be supportive, and I think that's very nice of them. So she goes, Wow, how fake of them!  They haven't been around the whole 3 years you've been in school. What have they done for you? Well, I guess his mother is finally treating you right! (Side note-- FMIL has never mistreated me. My mom, however, has taken it very personally that FMIL won't post a picture of me on her facebook. That to mom means that my FMIL doesn't like me. I've never even noticed and frankly, I'm grateful that she hasn't!)

It all went downhill from there. She brought up the night my parents met his parents and then the afternoon where my fiance and she had their last awful argument. She twisted a lot of things that were said or happened and flipped out when I denied things that I knew were untrue. At one point, she said she wouldn't come to the graduation because "the people I really love would be there so I don't need her" and then later she said that she would come if I wanted her there and if I'd be able to enjoy myself despite her presence. I told her I always wanted her there and that she and dad are people that I love as my parents, but there are other people in my life that I care about too.   

That wasn't enough. She kept saying to cut her out of my life, to never speak to her again, that she didn't care. That she was glad I moved away so I could get away from her because all she's done is make my life miserable and she should just drop dead. By now she had been yelling and crying, completely red in the face, and started wheezing because of her asthma. I tried to get her to stop walking to use the inhaler but she refused and said she wanted to have an asthma attack so she could die. At that point, I asked her to please seek help because this was not healthy behavior. She told me that she went to one session with a psychologist and the psychologist said that my fiance was the problem and that he was a bad person and that she was totally fine. Afterward, she threatened to kill her self once more (saying she would when she got back to the house), so I told her I would have to take her to the hospital if she tried to hurt herself. She got, believe it or not, even more upset. I kept repeating to her that this wasn't necessary. That her reaction to my fiance and his family wasn't necessary or healthy and that I was deeply concerned for her.

So as this is happening, we're getting closer to the house and a couple of our neighbors were outside. She cut it all out as soon as she saw them. She was all smiles and laughter and charm to them. I just kept walking. She caught up to me and then it was back to the rage and the crying and the threats. The kicker for me was actually this. She told me that she had known for weeks about my in-laws coming because my father had told her. Yet, she had initially acted complete shocked as if this was brand new information. So why the need for the meltdown? Knowing her, she'd had raged about it to my dad at least once by then.

When we got home, she told my dad that I started a fight with her and denied the suicidal threats. Oh, and then she tried twice to make me beg her to come to my graduation. She kept yelling at me that I "needed to give her an answer, yes or no, was she wanted at the graduation." I repeated over and over, "You were never uninvited and I've always wanted you to come." I didn't give in.

I don't know how I handled it. Better than other times? Maybe. I yelled a lot. More like, yelled over her a lot. But when I spoke, I was more careful with my words. I tried to validate her but also hold up boundaries. I hate that I felt that I had to yell.  I keep reliving this because it is one of the worst interactions I've ever had with her. I'm due to start working with a therapist soon because I need to get a grip on my anxiety. I need to talk to someone about this relationship and just the way anxiety, in general, is starting to dominate my life. I know this has a lot to do with it.