BPD and Dementia

[Depression = 72% of members]

My father-in-law has (undiagnosed) BPD which is further exacerbated by dementia. My wife and I moved closer to him because my mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s. He couldn’t and/or wouldn’t take care of her. Due to MIL’s Alzheimer’s and FIL’s BPD/dementia, my wife felt it necessary (and I agreed) to seek conservatorship of both MIL and FIL. We were successful and conservatorship was granted. Because my wife is the only child of this man to fully understand the nature of his disorder (she’s a social worker and has had therapy, and she was also the child who spent the least amount of time around him when she was young) she wanted absolutely nothing to do with conservatorship of him, but we could not find a third party who would do it alone. She wound up having to be his medical/legal conservator, and fortunately found a neighbor/attorney willing to be financial. Even with that, however, his two most enmeshed children are now coming after my wife, in conjunction with him. He has repeatedly called the police claiming that I am “threatening him bodily harm,” a script (literally, I saw it on a notepad)  he got from one of his kids. He constantly threatens to kill my wife, and although he doesn’t have the means to act on that threat it’s no less emotionally disturbing. He is also constantly calling 911 claiming my wife is neglecting him, and he plots ways of trying to sabotage her in her capacity as his conservator. Recently his caregiver overheard him asking what would happen if he killed my wife, and asking if he’d be able to sue her if he “falls.”

I could go on and on and on with all the sordid details, but the short of it is I am so tired of this but see no escape. My wife is now legally obligated by a court of law to care for him (unless her siblings/father are successful in their petition to overturn it). I know all we can really do is let them all create whatever drama they want and proceed with our own lives as best we can, but this is currently a HUGE part of our lives. We are exhausted and angry and I feel physically sick almost all the time. I can’t focus on my work. I am tempted to tell my wife that I can’t talk about everything going on with him anymore because I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, but then she has no one who truly understands. We have some supportive people at church but I can tell lots of people think we are actually the crazy ones. They think he is a sweet old man and my wife is evil and taking advantage of him. It’s maddening.

I don’t know what exactly I hope to gain by posting this, I’ve never done anything like this before, but I feel very alone and thought this might help. Thanks for reading.

[Mike1937]

My father-in-law has (undiagnosed) BPD which is further exacerbated by dementia. My wife and I moved closer to him because my mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s. He couldn’t and/or wouldn’t take care of her. Due to MIL’s Alzheimer’s and FIL’s BPD/dementia, my wife felt it necessary (and I agreed) to seek conservatorship of both MIL and FIL. We were successful and conservatorship was granted. Because my wife is the only child of this man to fully understand the nature of his disorder (she’s a social worker and has had therapy, and she was also the child who spent the least amount of time around him when she was young) she wanted absolutely nothing to do with conservatorship of him, but we could not find a third party who would do it alone. She wound up having to be his medical/legal conservator, and fortunately found a neighbor/attorney willing to be financial. Even with that, however, his two most enmeshed children are now coming after my wife, in conjunction with him. He has repeatedly called the police claiming that I am “threatening him bodily harm,” a script (literally, I saw it on a notepad)  he got from one of his kids. He constantly threatens to kill my wife, and although he doesn’t have the means to act on that threat it’s no less emotionally disturbing. He is also constantly calling 911 claiming my wife is neglecting him, and he plots ways of trying to sabotage her in her capacity as his conservator. Recently his caregiver overheard him asking what would happen if he killed my wife, and asking if he’d be able to sue her if he “falls.”

I could go on and on and on with all the sordid details, but the short of it is I am so tired of this but see no escape. My wife is now legally obligated by a court of law to care for him (unless her siblings/father are successful in their petition to overturn it). I know all we can really do is let them all create whatever drama they want and proceed with our own lives as best we can, but this is currently a HUGE part of our lives. We are exhausted and angry and I feel physically sick almost all the time. I can’t focus on my work. I am tempted to tell my wife that I can’t talk about everything going on with him anymore because I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, but then she has no one who truly understands. We have some supportive people at church but I can tell lots of people think we are actually the crazy ones. They think he is a sweet old man and my wife is evil and taking advantage of him. It’s maddening.

I don’t know what exactly I hope to gain by posting this, I’ve never done anything like this before, but I feel very alone and thought this might help. Thanks for reading.

[Turkish]

My mother wasn't making threats of harm towards me but accusations of elder abuse. 

What's the risk of letting the other kids gain conservatorship?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation and position.  We have several posters here who are coping with navigating a relationship with their in-laws while trying to remain supportive of their spouse so you are not alone in your struggle.

I second Turkish's question about the risk of allowing the other kids to get conservatorship of your FIL? 

[No-One]

She wound up having to be his medical/legal conservator, and fortunately found a neighbor/attorney willing to be financial. . .My wife is now legally obligated by a court of law to care for him (unless her siblings/father are successful in their petition to overturn it).

Mike1937:
I'd like to join Turkish & Harri in welcoming you.  Like, Turkish & Harri, I'm wondering why you might want to contest the court petition?  Who are they proposing take over as conservator?

When dementia sets in, even with people without personality disorders, they can become combative, paranoid  and very difficult to deal with.  I'm wondering if there is a real advantage for his conservator to have knowledge and experience with BPD.

It might be in the best interest of both you and your wife to let the other siblings be conservator, or have the courts appoint someone else.   Are they going after financial power of attorney as well?

Do the in-laws have a substantial estate, that the the siblings are protective of?  Quite often, issues arise when someone wants to guard what they hope will be their inheritance.