Feeling sad and alone

[Zabava]

I don't like remembering. 

[HappyChappy]

I know how you feel, but it often plays a central roll in use getting better. We need to adjust our memories from childhood so they no longer hinder us. A Therapist is trained to control how the memories come out, so you are not overwhelmed. Have you spoken to a Dr or Therapist about any of this ? By the way, 10/10 for brevity of post, but feel free to expand on specifics.

Welcome to the forum. Folk on here have probably experienced it before or read about it before. Validation of your childhood is a good starting point.  

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

Yeah remembering the abuse can be quite tough and painful. Sometimes can feel like the flood gates have been opened which can be really overwhelming.

For our healing, remembering and particularly processing the memories often indeed is very important.

Are there perhaps any memories in particular that you currently find unpleasant or difficult to deal with?

By the way, 10/10 for brevity of post

 

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi Zabava.  Yep, remembering sucks but it is an important part of healing and getting better.

Keep reaching out to us.  We get it... plus we can always find a way to laugh. 

Case in point:

By the way, 10/10 for brevity of post, but feel free to expand on specifics.

  Tell me that did not make you smile a bit!    

[Zabava]

Yes. It made me smile.  I guess my post is kind of the crux of what I feel right now.  I have been remembering all kinds of things I stuffed down.  I have been doing good work (I think) in therapy but it has brought a lot of supressed memories to the surface.  My parents were violent towards each other and the memories are making me sad. 

They both had substance abuse problems and my mum definitely has BPD.  She would be so angry at my Dad for having friends, for loving his job as a public servant, for spending time with me and my sister.

Is it worth it to dig up the past?

[Zabava]

Actually I feel stupid.  I didn't mean to be funny or anything when I said I don't like remembering.  I feel like a weak person to be overwhelmed by my childhood.   

[Harri]

 

I am sorry you feel stupid zabava.  I don't like feeling that way either and I do not like feeling overwhelmed or remembering stuff either.  I get it.   I am sorry my comment about smiling did not help.   

I was listening to a youtube clip earlier today that talked about how we have a narrative that our brain makes up about the trauma.  The thing is, our reactions to the trauma is not something we consciously choose.  It is our minds way of protecting us.  But our brain will come up with all sorts of supposedly rational explanations that actually have nothing to do with the situation. 

See our brains come up with these narratives about our experiences to try to make sense of things but they are actually false.   What we need to do is write a new narrative that acknowledges our trauma, our feelings as being okay and even natural given the circumstances and honoring our minds that are working to protect us.

Feeling stupid for struggling with your childhood is okay but (!) it does not mean you are stupid.  I think it is a part of the healing process but one you can choose to move through or get stuck in.

You ask if it is worth digging up the past.  I am not sure I see value in purposely digging around for memories that are buried but there certainly is value in working through the ones that come up on their own.  Being able to relate them to the present and struggles you may be having in your life now is what is important. 

If you are being overwhelmed with memories, there are things you can do to try to slow down the process.  Focusing on being active, exercising, practicing mindfulness exercises and trying to distract yourself can help as well.  Sometimes we can spend too much time in our heads and that is not good either.  I don't know if that applies to you but I figured I would mention it.

[HappyChappy]

I feel like a weak person to be overwhelmed by my childhood.   

Hi Zabava,

I’m so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed, but I hope in time you’ll understand that this is only because you have empathy, only because you are human. Pretty much everyone on here raised by a BPD has felt overwhelmed at some point. Its a normal reaction to a traumatic upbringing. It doesn’t mean you are week, even though it feels that way. Quiet the opposite, if both your parents had substance abuse on top of your moms BPD, well done on surviving all that.  A BPD avoids apologizing (best way to appear right all the time) and trains us to do all the apologizing.

Well done on making it onto this forum and diagnosing your mom. We know how hard that journey is. My NPD and BPD were also very violent, and thats was the most traumatic part for me. Its very common to get CPTSD from such an upbrining. This is where you get triggered easily, typically by the behaviour that made you ill in the first place. Apologies if my joke upset you, but it was meant to provoke a response and I'm so glad you have responded because it means you can begin your recovery. Also a BPD trains us not to talk about this stuff, to keep us in their control. I know how hard it can be to open out.

Someone with BPD will invalidate how you felt as a child. So by discussing thing on this forum, you can get a better perspective, validation of your valid concerns. This validation, along with a healthier perspective, will in time reduce the overwhelming feeling. But also breaking things down one step at a time. This post is step one. So why not focus on one concern, or just one negative memory and we can help you work though it all.  Welcome to the board. 

[CautiousHopeful]

Hi Zabava,

I don't know if this helps in anyway, but I had a lot of memories coming up over the past couple of months while I seemed to be processing stuff. I couldn't stop them coming up, and sometimes I woke up crying. One morning recently I woke up at 7am and cried for about 4 hours. It felt horrible going through it, but actually after a lot of desperate crying I actually felt better. So what I think I'm trying to say is sometimes we can't stop memories arising, but maybe it is also an opportunity for release? It's like some of the pain goes if we cry it out or just allow ourselves to feel what comes up. If I've had an emotionally tough day where stuff has come up I sometimes drive somewhere like a lake or the ocean, and just sit there looking over the water, feeling the air, being aware of the birds etc. I often start to breathe easier then too, as usually if I've been dealing with emotional memories my breathing has been going a bit haywire (like too shallow), but then I can kind of breathe out the stress and it kind of dissipates, and its like I feel a kind of sadness rush through me but then it's like it (at least partially) evaporates and I feel some hope in its place. I often feel spent and exhausted at this point too, but at least a bit better. I think it is like coming to different levels of acceptance about the past, which seems to be a stage-by-stage process. But yes there is no doubt that memories can be  Are there any nurturing activities or healing environments you can think of that give you a chance to take time out and release some of the pain of the memories? Take care 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Zabava, 

Welcome to our online family! I'm really glad that you are sharing about your memories. How well I understand. 

When I first started in T, it was such a roller coaster ride. I liken the memories to be something rather like a freight train: once it gets started it doesn't want to stop. At times I hated it; sometimes still do. Yet at the same time, there was a certain relief and validation to have the snippets of memories poking their way back in. Each one has to be seen, and just take it slowly. Remember it is so important to be very kind to yourself especially during these times. Memories are hard. The farther down the road you get, the less often they come. How often my T reminded me that they were just memories now. I wasn't there as a little child anymore, even though it felt like I was. Sometimes that was helpful to me. Often I would fight letting the memories come because I was afraid of what they held.

Speaking of which, have you taken a peak at our Survivor's Guide? Any line you click on opens up into a larger window. Where would you say you are in the steps?

 
Wools

[Zabava]

Thanks Woolspinner,

Yes the memories are like a roller coaster ride and they surface unpredictably.  Luckily I have found this community and have a therapist who really helps me move forward.  I am starting to really absorb the harm that was done to me and it is healing.  But the memories and the feelings that go along with them must be felt.  Its hard and sad to accept the impact my childhood had on me but it also helps me let go of the weight of grief and suffering.

[Woolspinner2000]

It helps you to make sense of it all, doesn't it?

 
Wools

[Zabava]

Yes it does.  I finally am starting to understand that my lifelong struggle with depression and anxiety is not my fault. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Exactly! You got it! 

We like to celebrate every step here. You're doing well, Zabava. 

Wait until you get to the stage that you start to see the world and life around you in brighter colors, and the life around you begins to infect you and you see with new eyes. It will come! It's an amazing place, and while I'm not always there, I am often there now. It's worth the journey. Have patience! You are unlearning old things and learning new.

 
Wools

[Zabava]

 Thank you Wools.  I am feeling some important shifts in perpective thanks to all the support I've received here.

HappyChappy you mentioned cptsd.  Can you tell me more about it?  I looked it up online and it fits for me.  I have in the past had BPD behaviours and during the worst of my depression last year I was extremely disregulated.  Recently I feel very easily derailed by movies, news or discussion of domestic violence or suicidal ideation.  Is that part of cptsd?