Is Grief the price we pay for Love?

[Mindfried]

I recently posted a topic about BPD and evil. I wanted to start another thread about the power of love and why is it so hard to escape once we fall and is grief the price we pay for it. Is it more intense and painful with a BPD partner?

For me at the time, it was definetly the most intense and passionate relationship I have been in. It was also the most painful and caused the most grief. I cannot give a good explanation about why it was so hard to escape knowing how toxic it was.

[Tsultan]

It was definitely harder for me to let go of this r/s with my uBPDexbf.  I grieved harder and longer with this r/s than I did for my 24 yr marriage. 

He was vulnerable with me.  He shared his feelings.  I listened.  He told me I was like a high school friend and it felt to him like we knew each other since then. That made me feel like I was special.

Right at the beginning of the r/s I sensed it was not a good idea to remain in it but I stayed for some reason.  I ignored the  s.  I think it was b/c I was vulnerable.  I had just exited a 24 year love starved r/s and when he came into my life it was like the answer to my prayers.  We had similar interests, we laughed a lot together, he definitely love bombed me to a degree.  But he sent mixed messages which were really confusing.  I love you, I am leaving you, I didn't say I was leaving you... huh?  Wouldn't own up to that.  Not taking responsibility for his behavior.

I remember talking to a therapist about how difficult it was to let go of a house I sold years ago.  She asked, did you fix it up and put a lot of work into it?  I said yes I did.  I think about the similarities with that letting go of that house and letting go of my last r/s.  I also had a lot of emotional investment in that r/s.  He did most of the talking and I would listen as he poured his feelings out to me while we walked together.  He was like the guy of a woman's dreams.  He shares his feelings and talks!  I did not have that in my marriage.  This was just one of many reasons that made it really difficult to face and accept reality.

I am slowly getting to the acceptance stage of the r/s ending.  I was finally able to delete his contact info.  I am praying to forget his number!  I am keeping myself busy with as many enjoyable things as possible. I think I finally have it in my head that he is not coming back and cannot come back b/c of his painful childhood wounds that he for some reason even after years of therapy and recovery in AA cannot heal from or face.  It is just the way it is and it's incredibly sad but true.  I still love him but I don't think I can ever get back in a r/s with him.  I have come too far and have grew stronger as a person. 

I have learned from this r/s.  My mother had BPD traits which is probably why she raged so much when I was younger.  She wasn't involved emotionally in raising me.  My sister who actually was diagnosed with BPD had a big part in raising me.  So, the upside is this r/s gave me the opportunity to look at my own fear of abandonment and to help heal from them at an even deeper level.  I learned how to listen and validate b/c of this disorder that I was blessed to have in my life.  What a gift that is to be able to give to people. I know I have said this so many times before in my posts I feel like I repeat myself - thank you for being patient with me.

I will be more discerning if the opportunity for another r/s comes along.  I will not rush into sexual intimacy next time.  I will listen to and face those  red-flags.  I have met some really kind and loving men. 

Yes, it was the hardest and the most painful grief that I have experience.  It is an incredibly interesting dynamic.  I have grown closer to God b/c of it. 

Thanks for this great topic.

Tsultan

[Mindfried]

Tsultan

I have also become more spiritual and closer to god and it truly does help. Joel Osteen on Siruis radio and belief in guardian angels have been very helpful as well. I am similar to you as I was married for 24 years and the BPD relationship I was in for 4 years on and off had more of a mental and emotional effect on me. Major roller coaster ride. Same as you in one sentence I was that person's whole world and the love of her life and in the next sentence she would break up with me. I am glad it has come to an end and I am in a much better place of peace, health, and happiness and know you will get there as well.

[once removed]

it was my first adult relationship. we were both 21 when we got together and 24 when it ended. i hadnt even had a relationship over three months before it. a lot of firsts. a lot of special moments.

so i think in a lot of ways, it was necessarily going to be harder on me, the grieving process a long one.

i always kind of had an especially hard time with breakups and rejection, though. i think as hard as this breakup was, i learned to grieve in a healthier, and more focused, and more complete way. i think im more resilient, see myself, others, and love, differently...better.

i think it can be more intense and painful in a BPD relationship, but not because of BPD specifically. i think its true of dysfunctional relationships in general. for all the intensity and wonderful times, they make for loaded, complicated bonds, and i think that adds a complicated, deeper dynamic to the grieving process.