BPD Daughter has threatened suicide and today she intentionally hurt herself

[Attachedmom24]

Hi,
I'm new here. My 19, almost 20, year old daughter has been recently identified as having BPD features. She was diagnosed earlier this year with major depressive syndrome and generalized anxiety. We just got the results of her personality testing back from the psychologist and found out that among other things, my daughter has borderline personality features. Can anyone tell me what is the difference between the disorder, features and traits?

The last 6 months have been the hardest my family has ever had. My dd was hospitalized twice in Feb. for suicidal ideation (with a plan and intent but no physical follow through). She has medically withdrawn from the university. She is on effexor and sees her psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks. She sees her therapist weekly.  When she has a "melt down" I am at a loss as to how to help her because she become hateful and hurtful and angry. We have three other children (ages 22, 17 and 12) who all still live at home. Today was bad. During the height of the attack, dd scraped her hands against the outside stucco wall in order to intentionally hurt herself because she was in so much pain. This is the first time she has actually self-harmed. I am so tired and just feel like crying because I don't know how to help her or how to help my other children's relationship with her. I am seeing a therapist myself, but I don't have anyone else to talk to who is going through something like this.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't seem to get my thoughts together.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

Attached,
You are not alone.  My story is so similar to yours!  My DD20, is diagnosed with depression, anxiety and “BPD traits”.  It was explained to us that psychiatrists hesitate to say BPD until they are older and demonstrate the traits for longer.  

Our DD has gone through many episodes of suicidal ideation.  She has also attempted.  I understand your pain.  It’s absolutely gut wrenching as a parent to see your child go through this!  

I too, have gone through times where all I wanted to do was sit down and cry.  But we don’t get to, do we?  Instead, I took the advice I received here (a complete game changer for me).  I read the tips and strategies on here... a huge help!  I also read books (I started with Walking on Eggshells).  I went to counselling for myself.  I also started to go to the gym...it’s amazing how you can get rid of those overwhelming emotions on the elliptical or treadmill!  

Keep coming back here...to read, to vent, and to understand that you are not alone!

Hugs to you!

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Attached Mom
I join 1hope in welcoming you to the group. You have come to the right place for help and support. It is great you are in therapy. This support group can be another layer of self care. I know it is for me. Hope gave you great advice already so I have nothing in particular to add. I just want to reassure you that you are not alone and things can get better. Keep posting. We are listening (reading)

[Attachedmom24]

Thank you. I’d love a list of resources you’ve all found helpful. Books, websites etc. Also if there are any particular articles or posts here that you’ve found helpful, I’d appreciate those as well.
Thank you!

[FaithHopeLove]

My favorite book is Sheri Manning's "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder."

[Only Human]

Hi AttachedMom

I join the others in welcoming you to  bpdfamily!

Faith and 1hope are absolutely correct, you've found a very supportive, understanding, and judgment-free group of people to help you navigate this relationship with your daughter.

To answer your question about the difference between the disorder, features, and traits, here is a great article that you may find helpful:

DSM: Definition: Borderline Personality Disorder.

To very briefly sum up, in order to receive a diagnosis of BPD, a person exhibits four (4) or more of the symptoms, or traits/features. They are:

Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3)
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

The article goes on to explain, in detail, each symptom.

I'm so sorry to hear of all the difficulties you've experienced with your DD and hope you will find that posting here, as well as learning all you can about BPD and how to better relate to your daughter, will have a positive impact on your relationship with her as well as leading the way for your other children.

My DD25 was diagnosed around age 17 or 18 (I can't recall exactly because I initially rejected the diagnoses after reading very doom-and-gloom articles on the internet) and her brother, 28, is finally coming around to understand that she has a disorder that makes it very difficult for her to behave differently than she does. Unfortunately, their relationship is almost non-existent and very "surface" - they are pleasant to each other when in the same room but neither seeks out the other. DS28's childhood/adolescence was very much affected by DD's behavior as well as my reactions/responses. It's heartbreaking as a mother, since we have hopes and dreams of a happy family unit where everyone supports each other, right?

I didn't mean to ramble on so and I've run out of time to talk about books. So I'll leave this link here, it's our Book Review section of our Library, which is located at the bottom of the list of discussion boards.

Library: Book Club, previews and discussions

A book I hear people recommend a lot, but which I haven't read, is Shari Manning's, Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder . I see that Faith has also mentioned this book in her post above.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Hello Attachedmom24    

I join 1hope FHLKC and Only Human welcoming you to family. I'm sorry what brings you here, I was also in a similar situation to you 4 years ago with my 26 DD, you are not alone  

A diagnosis of BPD is given if there are 5 or more of the 9 DSM criteria. Less than a diagnosis is referred to as traits, perhaps ask your P what they mean by features, I think it maybe equivalent to traits. BPD as you'll read is more than often co-morbid, depression, anxiety, bi-polar, eating disorder, ...other PDs.  Attachedmom24 it's a complex read and it's taken me time and patience to be able to recognise my DD in the literature BPD~comorbid, she is also a 'quiet' pw BPD, BPD is a broad spectrum. What I do want to share with you is my 30DD is out of crisis on my scale of 0-10 4 years ago she was 10+, now I rate her 0-1. She's a way to go, back to work, living independently.

My favourite book is also Sheri Manning's  

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Shari Manning

compassionate, loving, gave me the signposts   as did  bpdfamily   .

When she has a "melt down" I am at a loss as to how to help her because she become hateful and hurtful and angry.

This is one of the most asked Q's here I've read. How do you respond when your DD dysregulates she's in deep pain?

What kind of treatment plan does your DD have? She's doing well seeing her P and T.

We're walking with you, we've got you  

Keep asking questions!

WDx

[Swimmy55]

Welcome.  What is helping me in addition to the readings:
1. Going to my own therapist ( as you have mentioned you are doing)
2. I sometimes attend CODA meetings ( Co Dependent anonymous)  a 12 step program based on Alcoholics Anonymous.  They help with teaching tools about detachment, self care and love, boundaries.  If I don't go to CODA I sometimes go to Alanon.  Both are similar in that the focus is on us, not the BPD person.  These also have online meetings as well. In addition they have literature and books you can order on their website or in the meetings themselves.  
3. Reading through other posts  here..  As you read , you will find at least one other person has a similar situation as yours.  I mean, we are all in the same hellish boat here, but you may find  a post from someone that just speaks to you and your particular situation .  

I also believe that in a teen ager, therapists don't actually state BPD, rather they will state it as BPD trait or features because the teen brain is constantly changing and inundated with hormones which definitely affects mood and mental states.  My son in the past was diagnosed as trait, but now at the age of 25 he is diagnosed as BPD period- no trait, or feature added ..  My son also had many other diagnoses in his teen years(12-18 years) due to the ever changing of the teen brain, puberty.  It was like his diagnosis changed almost every quarter one year from Bipolar to Mood Disorder NOS to Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features, etc etc.  You may find out during this long journey  the BPD in your child could be co morbid with other psychological stuff ( depression, etc) .  Not always though.  I am not trying to scare you, just allow yourself to think flexibly when it comes to your daughter's condition.