Easter and my BPD sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it's been two months since my BPD sister split on me over a visit to my house.  It has happened before.  Basically she refuses to accept any boundaries and is very offended if I don't beg her to come.  Most recently she sent me an email outlining her grievances against me and yelled at me over the phone.  I told her I wouldn't talk to her if she was abusive and she hung up on me. 

That was 2 months ago and I have had no contact with her since then.  As I've been posting here I am finally dealing with the crap from my childhood at 51 and I'm slowly feeling better thanks to the kindness of people here and a good therapist.

I don't want to deal with her, but Easter is coming and as we all know holidays are not easy for BPD people. 

So do I try to mend fences and risk my recovery or do I ignore Easter and stay nc and risk another attack?

[Zabava]

So it's been two months since my BPD sister split on me over a visit to my house.  It has happened before.  Basically she refuses to accept any boundaries and is very offended if I don't beg her to come.  Most recently she sent me an email outlining her grievances against me and yelled at me over the phone.  I told her I wouldn't talk to her if she was abusive and she hung up on me. 

That was 2 months ago and I have had no contact with her since then.  As I've been posting here I am finally dealing with the crap from my childhood at 51 and I'm slowly feeling better thanks to the kindness of people here and a good therapist.

I don't want to deal with her, but Easter is coming and as we all know holidays are not easy for BPD people. 

So do I try to mend fences and risk my recovery or do I ignore Easter and stay nc and risk another attack?

[Turkish]

How is Easter usually handled in your family?

[Zabava]

When my children were young, we always made the 5 hour trip to my home town (as we did at Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.

Every holiday for the past few years my sister gets angry.  She always feels disrespected.

[Turkish]

Sounds like a Hobson's Choice. Drive to spend thankless time there,  or celebrate Easter with your family at home. 

[Zabava]

I am staying home with my family.  My sister is waiting for me to call but I really dont want to.  Do I owe her anything?  She thinks I made her life harder because I was compliant when  i was a child and she was defiant.  When she was around 10 my mother gave her permission to hit me if I annoyed her and she did.  She often told me I was stupid and a doormat. 

Now she wants me to make up for being the "favourite" but she doesn't understand the high price I paid for keeping the peace in the family.  I'm out of compassion.  Am I horrible person?

[Turkish]

She often told me I was stupid and a doormat.  

That sounds horrible,  not you for desiring to keep yourself emotionally safe.  

Being called a doormat implies some things. What was the context?

[Zabava]

As a kid I turned my anger about the abuse inward. She thinks her life was harder because she fought back and rebelled.  It's stupid.  We're both damaged in our own ways but I can't heal and deal with her BPD.

I feel guilty for not liking her or wanting to see her but I always feel like s#*t when I do.  So I m a bad person.

[Panda39]

Zabava,

You are not a horrible or bad person for not wanting to be around someone that has been abusive to you.  It makes complete sense that you would not want to spend time with someone that has been both physically and emotionally abusive towards you.

By not seeing your sister you are setting a boundary, a boundary that says I will not spend time with people that are abusive to me.  You are taking care of you.  No that isn't selfish, that is self-care.

I know "family" gets really tricky, the whole blood is thicker than water thing, the desire to be part of the perfect loving family, but sometimes the family isn't good for us, is dysfunctional, or addicted, or hurtful, or mentally ill. 

If you don't want to see your sister for Easter don't.  I'm hearing a conflict between what you feel you should do (feel obligated to do) and what you want to do.  I know from experience that is an awful and difficult place to be.  For me I have made the conscious decision that when I get into that conflicted space, I remove the conflict by choosing what I want to do...by always choosing what I want to do every time and I have not ever regretted it.

Choose what is good for you.

Panda39

[Zabava]

Thanks Panda

I am trying to take care of myself.  It feels scary but liberating at the same time.

[Harri]

So I m a bad person.

So I have been thinking of this sentence off and on all day.

Question:  Are you saying you believe you are a bad person or is this what your sister thinks of you?  Or something else?

[Zabava]

Harri,

I think it is how I have perceived myself since I was a child. 

[Zabava]

My sister thinks I owe her something because I got off easier in her mind.  I have felt like I don't deserve to be here for some time but I have three kids and for them I keep trying go heal.  I wish I was a better, less crazy person. 

[Harri]

   That is what I thought.  I had that too and still have areas where that belief lies just under the surface and colors the way I see myself (okay, so I am assuming here because I can't see it, but it makes sense and as I heal more, things become more obvious to me).

One thing that I use to help myself with the belief that I am bad, or that guilt is warranted when it is not or anything else is to remind myself that feelings do not equal facts.

Now I know that is something that pwBPD have trouble with but I think some of us who grew up being verbally and emotionally abused and shamed for just being us or feeling a certain way may have a similar challenge in believing this.  I am not saying we are BPD, but I know it is not uncommon for us to have traits.  

Anyway, reminding myself that feelings do not equal facts helps me get to a more centered place where I can look at my own feelings and allow myself the freedom to just Be with them.  I feel guilty?  Does not mean I am guilty.  I feel like a bad person?  Does not mean I am a bad person.  It just means I am going against the training I had all my life and it will take time for things to turn around.

Does that make sense?

My sister thinks I owe her something because I got off easier in her mind.  I have felt like I don't deserve to be here for some time but I have three kids and for them I keep trying go heal.  I wish I was a better, less crazy person.

I wish I could wave a wand and make you see that you are not crazy and that you do deserve to be here just for you being you.   I know how awful it feels to feel the way you do, or at least similar so I also want to just hug you right now.   It is okay though.  You will, as you keep healing, get to a better place.  In the meantime, we are here and can help you.

As for your sister, stop letting a mentally disordered person who is stuck in victimhood define you.  Being the more passive child was not a free pass and it certainly is not the easier path.  both are damaging and hard and leave scars.  You just dealt with things differently.

Leave your sister to her opinion.  She can be wrong... 

[Turkish]

What Harri said.  

That sounds like your sister's voice,  which you've internalized as your inner critic.  That's understandable, given how long you've heard that (explicitly or implicitly), and also given the fact that we as children learn to define ourselves how our earliest caregivers see us. The mirror us back, positively or negatively.

Who am I? How am I doing? What am I doing right or wrong? That's letting someone else define your worth.  No!

Most on the romantic relationship boards,  whether or not they had a PD'd parent, struggle with this: being defined as a person by someone else who has little or no ability (empathy) to feel or understand what it's like to be YOU.

Desiring to be safe from physical,  emotional,  or verbal abuse doesn't make one a bad person.  Ergo, you're not a bad person for wanting to be safe.  

[nomodrama]

Ditto what Turish said , this is helping today on Easter too.
"Desiring to be safe from physical,  emotional,  or verbal abuse doesn't make one a bad person.  Ergo, you're not a bad person for wanting to be safe."

And being "emotional safe"

[LeneLu]

Nomodrama,

I was the compliant child as well...well into adulthood.  And, I feel like that goes unrecognized constantly. I can't win for loosing and the expectation is that I will continue in that role.  And, when I don't, I am the "caustic" one.

You also mentioned that you don't "like" your BPDSis.  I have struggled with this feeling for years, too.  My T explained to me that as the "abused" little sis, I never formed an attachment to her--I can't like her and certainly can't place the expectation on myself to love her.  Many people have told me that I owe her nothing.  Just because we are siblings does not obligate me to accept her behavior. It is a hard concept to get over...I was raised to take care of family no matter what.  But, I just can't bring myself to enter the viper pit anymore.  My guilt has decreased dramatically over the years.

lenelou

[Turkish]

The "blood is thicker than water" trope is certainly a hard thing to overcome.  Questioning that,  by words or actions,  is akin to committing a major sin in some families and cultures.  The atonement is self sacrifice.

What's the alternative path that doesn't involve self sacrifice or shunment (by family, not necessarily the pwPD)?

[Zabava]

Lenelu,

I agree that the role of compliant child is a very difficult one.  When you fulfill expectations it is taken for granted and when you try to set boundaries you are accused of abandoning your loved ones.  Giving one child permission to bully the other as my BPD mum did makes it hard for siblings to be friends. 

[nomodrama]

Late reply just saw the later posts.
Lenelu it resonates with me what you said about not having formed an attachment. I never thought of that before.
I've always felt my brother and sister resented me and were jealous of me, always even into adulthood.
We live in different states, when I'd come visit, my mom always wanted to have a family party, I usually came around Easter cuz my bday falls near it.
My dad and I shared a bday (2 days apart but always celebrated together) . He's been gone 15 yrs.
My sibling never asked me anything about what is going on in my life. I've always taken it that we are so different, they have kids I dont, they struggle financially I dont. I think that also contributed to lack of connection, nothing about this situation bothered me into adulthood until our mom went into elder care and we had business and highly emotional stuff to deal with closely together. That's when the BPD became full force and I got into sister's rifle scope.

She said I was the golden child which was not true, she has just always been jealous of me for not having her same problems. Resentful to me for not bot being able to relate to her life problems. Last year she thought she should gets moms $24k brand new car and I didnt agree, she screamed ""you think I'm white thrash!" I have never remotely uttered anything like that, all of a sudden she is a mind reader can tell me what I think.
That was before I learned about BPD and projection. Most of my life I have felt sorry for her being poverty stricken and dependent. I've come to see my parents helped enable her. It got worse when dad died , sister and her husband bulldozed our mom out of money and they both became more enmeshed and codependant.

Sisrer had to be financially dependent on our parents her whole life and is on welfare but I have always been independent, had nice things and she resents me for it. So a hurtful statement has to be invented, making up what I think.

Sisters are you, cast in different role in a movie of a different life.

I was there for my mom during to move and injuries and did all I could travelling by plane 7 times in 8 months taking time off work. Blood is thicker than water with my mom but we had a true love bond. I NEVER felt a bond with my siblings, maybe when I was really little but as I look back theres not much love lost, I mostly feel this obligation like you are SUPPOSED to have a relationship with your siblings.

Why do I have to have an obligation to people who dont really care about me because we share the same parents?
It's a societal expectation and I too dont wish to enter the viper pit anymore.

I want to be emotionally safe more than meet some expectation set by who? People? Society?
What other people think is their business, not mine.
I might be singing a different tune if my mom was still able to comprehend but she has full blown demensia now. I wouldn't want my mom to know I didnt want to talk to my sister anymore cuz I'd know it would hurt her.

But I don't need to be verbally attacked period.

Working with my therapist has helped because I've struggled with feelings that my sister doesn't love me.
She reminded me that she doesnt love herself and it is not about me.

Zabava, I like what Panda said too: choose what YOU want to do! Dont travel 5 hours for holidays to meet an expectation if it is not what you want to do and you know you will be setting yourself up for bad treatment. Make your own holidays special, that's what I am working towards.

Take this time to live YOUR life.

[LumosNox22]

Zabava,

I don't think any of that makes you a bad person. You are not intentionally trying to hurt your sister. You are not actively trying to be malicious or be hateful. You just want to have a good holiday and for it to be calm and happy. There's nothing wrong with that.

I have told my brothers in the past about my BPDM if not seeing her makes your life happier than remove her from your life. Blood and family does not mean you should spend time with any one if you don't enjoy it. When it comes to my brothers I enforce this when It comes to me, personally, it's harder to follow through. I'm sure it is the same for you.

I love the idea of just spending holidays with immediate family who make you happy. That might be just what we do for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. It would be nice. Especially if I could find the way to do it..without feeling guilty.

I hope the best to you! *Hugs*

[quietgirl]

Reading all of this is helping me cope as well.  I have experienced very similar things and relate.
For me hearing other people experiencing the same thing helps me to rationalize it as a disease and recognize the symptoms.

My sister also
- blames my parents / our family for all  her problems
- constantly attacks me for having a "perceived" better / easier life than her
- is verbally abusing and rages at me for what she feels is belittling her or putting her down
- slanders me to anyone who will listen to her
- Splits - she asks me to do things for her then when I comply rages at me for the guilt of having to ask

I also just don't want to have her in my life but its not realistic, she is my sister.

Totally agree w/ whoever stated this earlier
"By not seeing your sister you are setting a boundary, a boundary that says I will not spend time with people that are abusive to me.  You are taking care of you.  No that isn't selfish, that is self-care."

She calls me out on it though, "why do you speak to my like I'm a child"  I really just want to answer but don't.
Don't let her manipulate you into playing the game.  Be firm in the boundaries, eventually they will respond.  There is not other choice.