Swami
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: April 15, 2019, 12:03:44 PM » |
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First off, my wife is Bipolar 2. Now, after a year of my own individual psychotherapy, my therapist has accurately identified that my wife clearly suffers from BPD. (A picture of her should be on the "Eggshells" book cover, and THAT, not her bipolar disorder, has actually been, I see now, the cause of most of MY suffering, in addition to hers). We've been married 38 years; she'll be 71 this year, I'll be 69. We're both retired; I since 2014. A creative project took most of my time and attention from 2014 to 2018, but with that over, my wife and I have been in each other's face, so to speak, 24/7 since July 2018. Significant detail: my wife is a breast cancer survivor, knee replacement recipient (and soon to be again), survivor of kyphoplastic surgery after she fell off a work table in the garage one Thanksgiving Day, about six years ago, and broke her back. Besides that, she's sedentary, and between her physical pain, depression, and habitual lack of sleep, and array of heavy-duty meds she has little motivation to do anything. As for me, I suffered a heart attack June 2017; I have two heart stents. Via my therapy, I've developed healthy interests (yoga, mediation) that sometime take me out of the house; additionally, I've returned to a flexible part time job (on my terms) just to get myself out of the house. My wife sees this as our growing apart. We no longer have sex (once in the last few years; I have no desire to with her nor anyone else, I might add), and within the past three months or so, we are no longer physically affectionate as I find I need to distance myself from her as much as possible and don't want to enable her BPD/Bipolar patterns which come back to harm me. She wants a divorce now (we separated for six or seven months about ten, twelve years ago). But, divorce would entail devastating financial hardship on each of us; it would too greatly reduce each of our abilities to survive. (We own a home, but with not much equity in the house). Additionally, I am her husband and I feel truly, deeply responsible for her care. However, MY care entails the need for as much peace and calm as I can get, and her attacks and routinely occurring psycho-catastrophes for which she expects me to come to the rescue, are frying my nerves (and not helping my heart, either); I have a truly compromised nervous system. Yesterday, she bemoaned that we have zero in common and, beyond the care of our two beloved cats, we share nothing. She bemoaned that we don't have sex. She bemoaned that we are not physically affectionate, either. We've discussed both issues perviously and I told her my distancing is a protective measure to avoid constant hurtful attacks from her. She wants to put the house up for sale. That alone, (dealing with the painful, stressful details of breaking up) is beyond just not fair, but something my psyche and nervous system just can't handle. I can't do it. I'm too old, too infirm, myself. Last night I moved into our den, so to speak. I'm beside myself. Yesterday, I coincidentally spent much of the afternoon with seven people with whom I had been very, very close during the time of my separation from my wife. I hadn't seen them in years (nor have I seen or talked to ANY friend in months, and months). It was wonderful being in that energy of acceptance. I'm terribly, terribly lonely and get no appreciation. I feel like a disposable piece of old furniture. My wife does prepare dinner for us, although, since I moved into the den, I'll fend for myself. I appreciate that she does that and I tell her so. But, over the past few months, I feel she does so begrudgingly, and, therefore, the fact that she does has made dinner somewhat (ironically) distasteful Right now, since I can't deal with her or really, truly communicate with her (because of her mental illnesses) I left what she wants to do up to her; I told her to put the house up for sale, if that's what she wants. But, it's a feeling like, "ok, you want to jump off a cliff, jump," but, ironically, she plans to take me with her in the sense that we'll both have a much harder life to live financially, and I'll have to be worrying about her lack of ability to take care of herself.
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