Hi yesitsme
My father had Parkinson's but he was my non-BPD parent, so if anything we had the reverse of neediness, where he completely wanted to do everything himself without help. But eventually he, and my mother caring for him, needed some outside help.
From things we put in place for dad, there's a few things I can think of that may help in your situation, in terms of taking some pressure off you. I don't know what stage your mother is at with her Parkinson's, but after a certain point my parents had meals delivered by a delivery service. Depending where you live, there may be companies or services that will deliver meals. Your mother possibly won't like this, but if one of the tasks you are doing is preparing meals and it is getting too much, this may be an option and a boundary you can enforce on the basis of needing to care for your own family. It could just be a couple of meals a week to start with, and more later if it works out.
Again, depending where you are, there may be help available for house cleaning. My parents had someone come once a fortnight. My mother developed cancer so it was increasingly difficult for her to care for him, the house and everything. If you are regularly cleaning at your mother's place, this may possibly help.
There may be a carer support service where you live as well. These can sometimes be a good resource, just giving you an idea about what options are available to you if you are increasingly in a care role.
As far as FOG goes, I've recently learned about the extinction bursts that
Harri mentions, where initially the other person will push back against boundaries you try to establish, especially if they are new boundaries and change the way boundary dynamics may have operated previously. However, it's like their energy around this push back sooner or later exhausts itself, and they start to adjust to the new boundary. I recently went through this with a couple of friendships and I did get the initial push back, but it feels so much better that I've done it, and I feel no FOG whatsoever.
However, I also realise it is more challenging doing this with first degree relatives than it is with friends, especially a parent living with an illness or medical condition. Do you think you can explain to her how full on it is, caring for your family, working full-time etc, and explain how it is impacting you? Sometimes it is finding the right balance between being firm and kind at the same time,
being both clear and calm, which can be challenging, especially if they are emotionally reactive. But I'm generally learning that maintaining a kind of adult composure, whatever their behaviour is presenting as, does seem to help, and it can make them lift their game a bit. It sounds that if your mother is manipulative and she thinks she can keep doing it she will, so it might be a case of being firmly assertive but also ensuring her that you care and want to help her within reason in terms of what is possible for you with your family, work, and dogs.
I imagine there may be some fear in the mix for her as well. She is likely worried about the future in terms of how she is going to go with the Parkinson's, and may be feeling extra vulnerable and therefore might be extra emotionally reactive. I know this is so hard being there for them without being overburdened. When both my parents were unwell, both my health and the rest of my life suffered, so I would definitely say remember to take care of your self and your own needs, and ask for other outside help from various sources if necessary. I tried to do so much on my own (not great at asking for help myself) and it did take its toll. I was glad I could help, but I pushed myself too hard and should have sought more outside help sooner and delegated more tasks to other family members.
Perhaps you and your sisters could have a conference meeting to work out a care plan as to how to move forward into the future? Ideally you would want to do this with your mother as well, but if her behaviours are particularly challenging, you might want to initially meet just with your sisters to figure out how best to proceed, in terms of what you can each offer and what things might help her, including outside forms of help if necessary. You could put a range of options on the table for her in terms of a care plan, and provide her with some ideas and choices, or perhaps work out a roster with your sisters for when you can help.
I don't know if any of that helps, but I know how challenging that situation is and I send you lots of moral support As
once removed and
Harri suggested, if you want to provide some specific examples of the kinds of things she is wanting from you, or specific scenarios that have happened with her, there may be some of us here who can provide some ideas on handling those situations.
Take care
