I called the cops on my husband I feel really scared.

[Cloudy Days]

Last monday I called the cops on my husband, he had been beating the hell out of me and I truely thought I was going to die. While we were at the local grocery store I grabbed his gun while he went inside and I ran and hid and called the cops. He was a felon and was not suppose to have a gun. He regularly pointed it at me and threatened my life. I used to think he was BPD but now I really think he was NPD. He became so controlling and abusive, I wasn't able to leave the home without him by my side. He also had these really strong delusions that I was cheating on him. He even went as far as saying I had sex with a teen kid and called me a pedophile every single day. He's looking at 20+ years because of the gun charge and all I can think is that I ruined his life. I know that is stupid, I didn't deserve the prison he created and kept me in.

I am stuck in a state far away from my family in a home that he owns. I am married and it is a community property state but I am just so confused and feel very heartbroken. Making matters worse before they picked him up he shot himself with a small gun so it didn't kill him. They haven't taken the bullet out of his nasal passages yet and it has been a week! I have sympathy for him because no one should have to deal with that. They litterally stopped the hospital from treating him and took him to jail instead. I don't want injustice to happen to him just because of what he did to me. I can live with the thought of him in jail, It's hard to live with the thought that he has a bullet in his body still. I still care for him but I am done for sure, I was thinking suicide and was prepared to die on several occasions. The horrors he put me through are numerous, it would take me days to type them out. I don't really know how to feel ok with all of this. I feel numb with little bouts of crying when something really hits me. Please help, experience, suggestions or just encouragement. I feel so alone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Cloudy Days,
I remember you from some years back.     I'm so sorry things got so much worse. However, I'm glad that you won't have to deal with him now. He certainly put you through misery.

You tried your best to make things better and he is now reaping what he has sowed. I understand that you feel badly for him, but certainly if it was life-threatening, the authorities would be required to offer treatment. I suspect they will at some point, but it's out of your hands now. He made his choices; he's got to live with the consequences.

Cat

[once removed]

hi Cloudy Days,

i moved your post here to the Bettering board; this is the board best equipped to help you right now.

are you safe right now? do you know how long he is in jail for?

[Cloudy Days]

I am safe, unless he comes up with several thousand for bond money he is staying in there. He has another court date tomorrow I should know a bit more then. For now I sold a couple things and I have a car packed with my stuff and a couple hundred bucks to drive back to my mom's house if he is released. I signed a thing for victims rights so they are suppose to give me a heads up if he is released. I honestly don't think he will see freedom for a couple decades, any money his mother has would go towards a lawyer not bond. He's got like 12 charges against him and it's in the superior court, not sure what that means but I know it is more serious than a DV charge.

[Panda39]

Hi Cloudy Days,

I remember you too.  I'm so glad you are okay, that sounds like a very scary experience. 

What kind of support do you have? 

Panda39

[once removed]

thats good; a plan is really critical. have you been in touch with domestic violence services? what about family?

[Cloudy Days]

All I have is my mom and my mother in law and they are several states away. I have been on the phone with them a lot. I don't have a job, he wouldn't let me work and I don't even have health insurance, the free places for mental treatment are litterally an hour away. We moved to a really rural part of Arizona, a Ghost town. I went to a DV shelter for two days while they worked on picking him up but I have animals so I went home as soon as they apprehended him.

I almost feel stuck because I can't just leave everything if he isn't getting out. It's paid for so I don't have to pay to live here. But there are so little jobs available here I don't know what to do and my goal is to go back to my Mom's.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Cloudy days,

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I understand that you still feel sorry for him even after all you went through. I am a dv survivor, too, and I also called the police on my husband. I felt guilty for a long time. We are still separated, NC, and I am about to file for divorce. It's hard, but I just wanted to tell you that it does get better.

Even if you aren't at the shelter, are you in touch with a dv advocate? I am in trauma counseling provided by the dv office, and it has really helped.

Hugs to you,

Redeemed

[Cloudy Days]

I really wish I knew more about what is happening to him, he's had two court dates and no bail has been set. I'd like to have an idea if he will be able to bond out. I have been reassured that he won't be able to but I don't really trust cops. Can someone tell me what it means if his case is in a superior court?

It is hard dealing with this all alone, I am so tierd and my brain feels like scrambled eggs. I've been trying to take it easy and have watched a marathon of my favorite show that I was afraid to watch because he would always find something to get angry at. It's a cooking show of all things and he could still attack me for it. I'm trying to decide if I should create a facebook account just to feel connected with some of my family. I had one and deleted it because it was easier to delete than to keep fighting about it. My cousin had a baby and I haven't even seen a picture of him, I don't even know it's name and this was my favorite cousin growing up. I almost feel ashamed to reach out to people because I allowed him to control me so much so that I had no contact with anyone but my mom and his mom, and those phone calls became few and far between. It is difficult to do things I know he would blow up over. I told him about this support group probably two years ago and he took that and ran with it. He said I have been gaslighting him, he was so angry and that is what he used to justify the treatment he was giving me. He basically learned a new term and anything he learned would always be used against me. I honestly feel crazy now.

[SunandMoon]

You have been terribly abused for years, Cloudy Days, and controlled and isolated - it's normal that you would feel crazy. 

It's going to take time to heal. By all means create a Facebook page and start reconnecting with your family - make sure you change your settings to "friends only" to be safe.

I'm very worried about you being in the same house and still isolated. You need a lot of support around you right now. Can you phone the dv shelter where you were staying and tell them how scared you are.

Ask them what resources they can offer - can someone contact the police and courts for you to find out what's happening re your husband; do they have a help line you can call when you need to talk; can they help you make a plan, etc?

This is what dv shelters specialise in and there must be help for you, even if you're not staying there.  There's no shame in asking for help after all you've been through. Be strong and gather resources around you... It will help you to take action.

I also don't trust the police to tell you if he gets out on bond. These things can slip through the cracks...

What animals do you have? If it's cats and dogs, can you crate them and take them with you?

[No-One]

Can someone tell me what it means if his case is in a superior court?

A Superior Court usually handles felony cases, probate, custody, civil cases, etc.  A municipal court usually handles lower profile things: misdemeanor cases, traffic tickets and some municipal matters and perhaps some small claim cases.

I don't know where you live, but I can go to a Superior Court website for the County that services my city.  You can, also, find information at a District Attorney's website for where you live.  District Attorney's offices can have advocates who can assist victims of violence.  Perhaps, if you call the DA's office for your community, an advocate there can provide you with some info. that you will find more credible.

[Cloudy Days]

I have 5 dogs and two cats, I am going to take my 3 small dogs but I have to probably find a home for my two big sweeties, they have never been separated so they have to go to a home together which will be much harder to find, they are from the same litter. I cannot have kids so this is litterally like giving away a couple of my kids. It really weighs heavily on my heart. I am not as attached to the cats as I am rather allergic to them so I haven't loved on them as much to bond with them.

I am ok where I am as long as I am given a heads up if they let him out. It's kind of looking like he won't be though so I really need to stay here and try to sell the house at somepoint, I have all my money invested in this house. It's in a rural area that has break ins if a house is left abandoned so I really can't just leave. We are near the Mexican border, there is a lot of meth in the area.

I have a lot of confusion about my guilt over someone who really didn't care about me when it really counted. I know I have been chemically attached to him. I've been watching a lot of Youtube videos about domestic violence and Narcisitic abuse. I am truely thankful to be alive. Not everyone gets the chance after being with someone like him.

[I Am Redeemed]

With felony charges and a high bond, he most likely won't be able to get out before court. Still, have you considered getting a protective order?

I am sorry about your pets. When I left my uBPDh, I had to find homes for my cat and her five kittens. It was really sad, because my son loved them and they loved him. I hope to be able to get him another pet some day.

I watched a whole lot of YouTube videos about domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, too, after I first left. Just be aware that not all of those videos are credible. Narcissistic is a term that is being overused these days. Some abusers do have personality or other mental disorders, some also have substance abuse disorders, and some do not.

After I left my abusive relationship, I read some books that were recommended and were helpful. Lundy Bancroft has two, Why Does He Do That?, and Should I Stay or Should I Go?. Even if you have made the decision to leave and not go back, the latter is good information for explaining the abusive relationship and lists different issues that contribute to a person's unhealthy treatment of a relationship partner.

I really would recommend talking to your dv office about counseling or advocacy. If nothing else, you can talk to someone on the phone or through chat at https://www.thehotline.org They have advocates who are knowledgeable and can just listen and provide emotional support, as well as working on a safety plan with you in case he does get out at some point.

You can do this. We'll help you through it.

Redeemed

[GaGrl]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I agree that an advocate could help a lot with communications and info.

For the larger dogs, does your area have some adoption organizations? They often have foster families that will take the dogs until an adoption situation is arranged. We got our pit bull terrier from an adoption group, and she had been fostered for almost 18 months.

[Cloudy Days]

I've actually read "why does he do that" I could probably use a refresher. The main reason I watched so many videos on Narcisists is that his treatment of me and his actions all matched to what they were saying. Mainly Dr. Les Carter who has a bunch of videos about narcisism. To me it doesn't really matter what it is called, he really became a very sadistic person to me. I know he has brain damage wich adds a whole other level of unaccountability and crazy because he will claim he has blackouts. It's not really my problem anymore, I just want to heal and so much of what he did matched Narcisistic abuse.

I think the emotions that are the hardest to deal with are the feelings of wanting to hold him and love on him again. He's all I have ever known, I am loyal in every sense of the word even though he was not really loyal to me. He didn't cheat but loyalty to me is having your back no matter what. When problems arised in our lives, I usually had to deal with the problem and I had to deal with a melt down from him, he never had my back, It makes you feel very alone. It was almost like every day was a test to see if I was good enough to stay with him, but he wouldn't let me leave. I would be told he wanted a divorce and he didn't want me and that I was a jezabel, pedophile, adulterous whore who was going to burn in hell for eternity for lying to him. I know I shouldn't even have sympathy for him, it makes no sense to me and I wish I could just shut it off. I am also noticing a lot of anger about things that he did, mind games or impossible situations he would require of me. Like being a perfect wife, cooking 3 meals a day, working 40 hours a week on a crummy task worker site, taking care of animals and him having several hour long rages where he would hit me and then get angry again that I didn't have a 5 star dinner to serve him when he would be terrorizing me all day. I feel exausted just thinking about it.

I am going to look for a foster family or something like that for the dogs. The shelter offered something like that but it wasn't long term, I just don't want to give them to a shelter. It would be nice to be able to come back and get them. If we sell our house for enough I could buy a place, but I have no idea how much it is worth. We didn't get a chance to finish everything and I certianly don't have the skills to fix everything. Thank you for the website I will check it out. I do think I may have found a job, it's minimum wage but I need something comming in and they need someone immedately. I think it would be good to distract myself some too.

[once removed]

how are things going, Cloudy Days? any update?

[Cloudy Days]

Not really, he has a court date on Monday I am actually going to show up and talk to the judge and prosecutor, I have to take a mental report to his lawyer so I'm killing two birds with one stone, it's a bit of a drive. They still haven't removed this bullet from him, I'm shocked to say the least. I found a video on my phone I didn't realize was recorded. I was actually to the point I was scratching myself because I couldn't deal with the mental abuse any longer. I had so much pent up anxiety and fear I wanted to lash out at something and hurting me was all I could do. He would call me a kid fker and a pedophile. I can't have children and he actually used that against me to say I targeted little kids and teens. He said since I can't get pregnant then I screw everyone without any consequences. It was such a huge personal attack against me, I considered suicide so many times. All of it was insanity and I knew he was saying it to break me.

Anyways on a lighter note, I think I found a job, if I have to leave it, it won't break my heart. I think it will be good for me though. I did create a facebook, I was happy to recconect with one of my friends on there. She said she was thrilled to see my name pop up. He got into my head so much I didn't think anyone cared about me. I tried to reach out to another friend and she apparently wasn't much of a friend. Rejection really stings when you are going through crap like this.

[Cloudy Days]

The longer I am away from him the more I am thankful he is not here. I had an aweful dream about him when I took a nap today, I seem to be exausted by the way, always tierd. In my dream I sat down to eat something on the couch, this is where we usually ate together because our house was still being put together. He wasn't there but all of a sudden clear as day I heard his voice he started cussing me and calling me names. I threw the food and ran to the bathroom and locked the door, I fell to the ground and was bawling looking underneath the door for his feet. It was so vivid, I woke up really upset. For some reason he would start verbally attacking me when we ate together. There were so many times I didn't eat because things would start soon after we sat down. Then he would force me to eat when I was sick to my stomach because of things he said.

To eat the things you want to eat, when you want to eat them and not have someone attacking you verbally, I am so thankful and humbled. I can enjoy every little thing in life now, except I hope I don't keep having dreams like that...

I start my new job tomorrow. Not even nervous, I'm gonna show them I'm a darn good worker and have confidence in that.

[Harri]

Hi Cloudy Days. 

It is great that you found a job so soon and I hope your first day tomorrow goes very well for you.  I agree it will be a good thing, especially right now as you are adjusting to such a big change.

The dreams will come, especially now that you are free in a sense but over time they will happen less and less I think.   

Keep reaching out to people.  That friend who 'rejected' you is missing out, not you.   

[Cloudy Days]

That friend who 'rejected' you is missing out, not you.

Thanks, who needs a friend like that anyways

[I Am Redeemed]

It's a very strange sensation when you are finally safe and you realize that you can do things in peace that others take for granted every day. When I first left, I remember setting the thermostat in the house and feeling a flutter in my stomach until my head realized "hey, no one is going to flip out and hit me and accuse me of only thinking of myself for changing the temperature". I was so grateful for safety. It's sad and wonderful all at once.

I just moved into a house that I rented by myself for the first time ever; I had been living with a co-worker friend since I fled my abusive relationship seventeen months ago. The first night here, I remembered how when stbx uBPDh and I would move into a new place (which was often, because his addictions caused us to be evicted a lot), I would always wonder when and where he would first assault me in the new house. Because I knew he would, eventually. And I looked around this new house that is mine, and I knew that it won't happen here, that I am safe.

It makes me realize just how twisted our relationship was, that I would have thoughts like that. Having a normal life with basic rights still feels like a privilege to me.

Good luck with your new job. I think it will be great for you. And Happy Easter!

Redeemed

[Harri]

Thanks, who needs a friend like that anyways

Exactly. 

I am Redeemed talked about how she felt when she first got away from her stbx husband and I can say I felt the same when I first moved out from my abuse home.   It took time to settle in and even be able to choose which dish washing liquid I wanted to buy.  Just knowing I had no one to answer to was both terrifying and glorious!

Let us know how your first day went! 

[Cloudy Days]

I worked for 7.5 hours and am only getting paid for 6. Not too happy with the job, but I need it. It was a heck of a lot of work, I honestly feel like I got a beating from my husband my body hurts so much. I know I will get used to it, It is a housekeeping job, they pay per room you clean not per hour you work. I gotta find something that at least pays by the hour.

What surprised me the most though is once I started drivng home, the flood gates opened and I cried the whole way home, like bawling. Then I greeted my puppies and I had another bout of crying because my big dogs were so happy to see me. I have to give them away at some point and I don't know how I'm gonna deal with it. I talked to my mother in law and she cheered me up some, she is so sweet. Then I talked to my mom, who told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I wasn't even feeling sorry for myself, my emotions just hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't stop, she's not personality disordered but she sure is cold to me sometimes. I don't know how I'm gonna live with her. It won't be extreme trauma or anything but she's not a supportive mom.

It's interesting you said the thing about moving and thinking about which room you would be assaulted in. I did that in the last two houses we moved to. Turns out he really liked the kitchen in the new house, it was real easy to corner me. I found myself never leaving a knife out just laying around, because I really never knew what he was going to do. It's good to write some of this stuff out. I am worried about him, he hasn't called his mom in over a week... I also think me going home I knew he wasn't going to be there, I had a lot of thoughts today of the good times. I know that it is like comming off of a drug sort of. It's like my body wants to betray me because I thought a lot about embracing him and how I will never do it again. It does sting, but so did his fists. I don't know how to deal with such conflicting emotions.

I watched the burning bed last night, does that make me a masochist? just a retorical question...

[Cloudy Days]

Maybe someone can help me with how to talk to my mom. I told her a couple times that I fell for this abusive relationship because everything I have read about why I stayed and why I was even drawn to it was because of the constant fighting I witnessed between my parents.They hid the physical abuse, well most of it but I had to sleep with earplugs in my ears to sleep a lot of the time because they were still fighting in the wee hours of the morning. She thinks that I am blaming her when all I really want is an answer for it all and to heal. All she is focusing on now is that I said that. My parents never stopped fighting and they also drank a decent amount too. I feel like I rasied myself emotionally, in fact we didn't talk about emotions, it was rare that I love you was even said between us. It almost feels weird to say it now to her. And to this day I can't tell her my feelings because she is really invalidating to me, she's a very cold mother. She just keeps saying to me that I made these choices and I need to stop blaming her. But I'm not blaming her, I am just trying to figure out what drove my inner idiot to make those choices when they were clearly flawed choices, I want to understand it so I don't repeat it. When I tell her I am having a rough day or that I am depressed she is almost careless about it. I'm in a dark place and I feel like a little girl who needs her mommy and she's not being my mom. I told her the stuff about my childhood a while ago and she hasn't let it go.

I have tried to text her my feelings before and I seriously got a response that said, yea your brother says that too, "I am your child you are suppose to love me". She was drunk when she texted it I'm sure. I guess I'm just not suppose to talk to her about those things?

[No-One]

Cloudy Days:
I'm sorry your mom isn't capable of providing you the emotional support you need right now.  That has to be very disappointing.  It could be helpful to reach out to a hotline or some community resource.  Perhaps the resource below could provide a listening ear or a referral:

Domestic Abuse Hotline:
www.thehotline.org/

[Harri]

Hi again.

I guess I'm just not suppose to talk to her about those things?

Well, you can keep talking to her about it but it does not sound like you will get the validation and support you are hoping for.     In that case, I would choose to go elsewhere for the support and validation if you can't give it to yourself. 

What you describe growing up certainly sounds like emotional and verbal abuse which can as damaging as physical and sexual abuse and sometimes more so.  Just based on the little you wrote here it makes sense to me that you would get involved with your stbx.  I am not saying your mom is the same as he is but that we will seek out environments we know and re-enact and try to fix past relationships in our present.

As hard as it is, stop going to your mother for things she is not capable of giving you.  A lot of us struggle with this over on the parent, sibling and in-law board so i don't mean to sound harsh at all but it can be a brutal realization all the same.   

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi again,

I am sorry that your mother isn't emotionally supportive for you. There are safe people with whom we can share our feelings, and then there are people with whom it is either unsafe at worst, or ineffective at best to share our feelings. It hurts a lot when our family members are either unsafe or ineffective.

My foo was/is invalidating and critical. I found more support from my MIL and my dv counselor than I get from my family. I learned that I will probably always have a limited relationship with my foo, and so I have to choose other people who are safe to share with emotionally, people who will listen and validate. Some of those people are on these boards; the others, as I mentioned, are my counselor and MIL (ironically).

It makes sense, given the childhood experience you had, that you found yourself in an abusive relationship. Possibly your mother may already be feeling some guilt over that, and she felt that your discovery of the reasons you tolerated abuse confirmed her guilt. She is probably rejecting that because it is painful, and she can't acknowledge that your childhood experience contributed to your adult choices without feeling responsible... she is your mother, after all, and she is partially responsible for what you were exposed to as a child.

It doesn't sound like she is emotionally healthy enough to handle that recognition of responsibility, nor your need for support. As Harri suggested, you may have to seek out other people who can provide you with the validation and support you need.

[Cloudy Days]

Thankfully my MIL has been very supportive, I feel it is a bit unfair to her though becuase she still loves her son and I don't want him to be demonized in her eyes. She's has a rocky relationship with him, she knows what he is. I did think about the guilt my mom probably does have about it all, the way it came out was that I made her feel terrible when I said that. It wasn't my intention to make her feel terrible, it just is what it is, I tried to apologize but she didn't accept it. She calls and asks how I am doing, when I tell her she doesn't really want to hear how I am doing if I am depressed. She's been supportive at times, I know I get very emotional, I feel I am too sensitive but I don't really have anyone to base that off of. I just know I am a cryer.

I also feel I latched on to my husband because I have a deformity that I feel makes me damaged goods, I found out about it at 16 and was never really given any therapy or anything really other than this is why you aren't having a period. life just went on the same but I knew I couldn't have kids, there is more to it than that but I don't want to go into. When my husband met me he acted like I was the best thing in the world. Being emotionally neglected and feeling incomplete as a woman I couldn't have been more smitten with him. He accepted me and obviously was love bombing me, I never experienced so much affection and attention from someone. My mom almost acts like I am stupid because I married him while he was in jail. I didn't meet him there, I wanted to show him I wasn't going anywhere. He accepted me and my flaws, and I accepted him and his flaws. I looked foward to his letters, visits and phone calls, he still gave me the adoring affection I craved, mixed with jelousy but I shrugged it off as him being in there and a lot of wives do cheat when their husband is locked up.

I have called a hotline and they aren't really that helpful, It made me feel very alone.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336100.msg13049099#msg13049099