I broke No Contact. There was no response.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As in my other posts, there's been a period of silence between the person I was involved with and I, and I had made a few attempts to get in touch, with no response. As this happened the first time I was broken up with, I did think that there was a chance we would 'recycle', as the break up took a similar pattern on the second occasion - a lot of the same words and phrases used, very similar patterns of behaviour, etc.

After a lot of thought, I spent some time writing an email in which I expressed how I understood her difficulties with closeness, and mentioning a lot of positive things to do with our dynamic, and how I really valued her as a person, and that I'd really like to resolve the conflict and move forwards. I tried to apply the methods in the DEARMAN method, as much as I could.

This was really a final attempt at contact, it contained pretty much everything I needed/wanted to say, and I suppose I had hoped it would 'work', in that it would trigger a 'recycle' or at least a response of some sort, even if hostile.

There has been no response, and I think there is unlikely to be one. I think now it's very clear to me that I have been removed from this person's life, and I suppose I'm hurting because of that. Because of the closeness that this person and I shared, and all the times she would tell me how much she connected with me, and how strong her feelings were getting.

The very sudden way in which she ended things and blamed me for her anger, a day after things were fine, if not better than they have ever been between us, then breaking up with me and telling me that we were "dysfunctional and toxic" - when there hadn't even been a problem. I still have problems understanding and processing it, and I suppose maybe that's why I'm still, or still was, hoping there'd be a reconnection.

I feel very strange now, as if I know it's final. I also dread seeing this person at university in September (even though that's a while away) because I think it'll probably re-open these feelings, and I''ll probably continue to be ignored.

I just feel very abandoned and helpless, now. She had said we could start again and forget about the conflict, then just stopped talking to me. I have searched my mind for something I may have said or done that's caused her silence, because it feels like a silence that's issued when you've done something to someone.

I don't know how I'm really going to move on from this.

[clvrnn]

As in my other posts, there's been a period of silence between the person I was involved with and I, and I had made a few attempts to get in touch, with no response. As this happened the first time I was broken up with, I did think that there was a chance we would 'recycle', as the break up took a similar pattern on the second occasion - a lot of the same words and phrases used, very similar patterns of behaviour, etc.

After a lot of thought, I spent some time writing an email in which I expressed how I understood her difficulties with closeness, and mentioning a lot of positive things to do with our dynamic, and how I really valued her as a person, and that I'd really like to resolve the conflict and move forwards. I tried to apply the methods in the DEARMAN method, as much as I could.

This was really a final attempt at contact, it contained pretty much everything I needed/wanted to say, and I suppose I had hoped it would 'work', in that it would trigger a 'recycle' or at least a response of some sort, even if hostile.

There has been no response, and I think there is unlikely to be one. I think now it's very clear to me that I have been removed from this person's life, and I suppose I'm hurting because of that. Because of the closeness that this person and I shared, and all the times she would tell me how much she connected with me, and how strong her feelings were getting.

The very sudden way in which she ended things and blamed me for her anger, a day after things were fine, if not better than they have ever been between us, then breaking up with me and telling me that we were "dysfunctional and toxic" - when there hadn't even been a problem. I still have problems understanding and processing it, and I suppose maybe that's why I'm still, or still was, hoping there'd be a reconnection.

I feel very strange now, as if I know it's final. I also dread seeing this person at university in September (even though that's a while away) because I think it'll probably re-open these feelings, and I''ll probably continue to be ignored.

I just feel very abandoned and helpless, now. She had said we could start again and forget about the conflict, then just stopped talking to me. I have searched my mind for something I may have said or done that's caused her silence, because it feels like a silence that's issued when you've done something to someone.

I don't know how I'm really going to move on from this.

[Mindfried]

It will be a daily struggle to move on until enough time has passed and you start feeling better. Its always toughest in the beginning. Since you are in College, I am sure you have a lifetime of opportunities for great relationships ahead of you. Maybe you dodged a bullet on this one. Just another way to look at it. Easier said than done though. Hang in there.

[clvrnn]

Since you are in College, I am sure you have a lifetime of opportunities for great relationships ahead of you

I am in college, but I'm an older student  I've had a "lifetime" behind me already, doesn't feel as if there's many more opportunities for 'great relationships', and I clearly have deep underlying issues that cause me to get into relationships like this one, so... can't really see that happening for a while.

[clvrnn]

More than anything, she was my friend. I feel like perhaps I should have just agreed to be friends as she wanted me to when she broke up with me, then I'd not be in this position.

I feel so alone and isolated, and feeling the full effects of everything being over. No more hope of a reconciliation. I've changed my number, so she can't reach out and I can't contact her. Everything just feels numb and empty.

[clvrnn]

I’m trying my best to move on. But there are times when I’m consumed by overwhelming pain, which is so intense that my chest gets tight, I cry uncontrollably, I pace up and down, I feel like smashing something.

Or there are times when I can’t even get out bed, or leave the house. Where I feel like drinking an entire bottle of alcohol or harming myself just to stop the pain.

I am on medication, but if these things start in the middle of the night, for example, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve got no friends and family aren’t reliable.

I feel like this pain is all consuming and so painful I can’t even articulate it. How am I supposed to deal with this

[Mutt]

I feel like perhaps I should have just agreed to be friends as she wanted me to when she broke up with me, then I'd not be in this position.

You’d be in the friend zone, what if you were stuck there for a long time? How would you feel if she was having romantic r/s’s with others and you’re just a friend?

Stay away from the drugs and alcohol. Have you talked to an MD or a GP about depression? Depression is tough. I’m sport that you’re going through this.

SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?

[Mindfried]

I am sorry brother. Wish there was more I could do to ease your pain. When my UDBPD broke up with me multiple times it was always painful. I do know how you feel. All I can say is hang in there. Drinking or harming yourself is not the answer. I was alone as well. She was my best friend. We spoke all the time. Once she was gone for the last time I knew I could keep moving forward or retreat into self pity. I chose to keep moving forward and life got better with each passing day. I read a lot, learned to do things on my own and now I am happy, and peaceful. There are always free resources out there to reach out to if things become unbearable for you. We are always being tested. You can get through this. Be strong.

[clvrnn]

You’d be in the friend zone, what if you were stuck there for a long time? How would you feel if she was having romantic r/s’s with others and you’re just a friend?

Well you see, that was the reason I didn't want to be friends with her at the time - we were walking around on campus together and she'd often just go off with other people, and even that I was finding difficult. I was thinking about how I'd feel if she met someone else and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it at all. But now I feel as if I've just been cut off, cut out of her life. It's as if my mind still can't comprehend this, the intense closeness to nothing.

Stay away from the drugs and alcohol. Have you talked to an MD or a GP about depression? Depression is tough. I’m sport that you’re going through this.

I have, I was given some medication which I think took the edge off slightly. I requested the medication - I didn't want to rely on medication but at the time I felt quite desperate.

[clvrnn]

All I can say is hang in there. Drinking or harming yourself is not the answer.

I will try to. I don't want to turn to drink and then have to depend on it, I really want to learn to handle these things.

I was alone as well. She was my best friend. We spoke all the time. Once she was gone for the last time I knew I could keep moving forward or retreat into self pity. I chose to keep moving forward and life got better with each passing day. I read a lot, learned to do things on my own and now I am happy, and peaceful.

That's true. I'm glad you could start healing and moving forward. It sounds like you've made a lot of good progress. I know I can do these things, I think it's just going to take a lot of strength.

[Mutt]

But now I feel as if I've just been cut off, cut out of her life. It's as if my mind still can't comprehend this, the intense closeness to nothing.

A pwBPD will split people that they care about the most black.You were very close to her. I am sorry for the circumstances that led to this.

I have, I was given some medication which I think took the edge off slightly. I requested the medication - I didn't want to rely on medication but at the time I felt quite desperate.

Do you have a Faculty of Psychology at school? Can you talk to a P through student services?

[clvrnn]

A pwBPD will split people that they care about the most black.You were very close to her. I am sorry for the circumstances that led to this.

Thank you, Mutt. I had thought that she was ignoring me because she hates me, or because I've done something wrong, but maybe that's 'non' thinking. Maybe it's actually the opposite, and her feelings are still there, and talking to me is too much for her. That wouldn't be the first time she's avoided me because of her feelings for me.

I know that I can often assume the worst because of my anxiety - assuming people hate me, assuming the worst outcomes, mind-reading, jumping to conclusions, etc.

Do you have a Faculty of Psychology at school? Can you talk to a P through student services?

We've actually stopped classes for the year now, so all of those services are finished for now. I'm just trying my best to read about this stuff and how best to heal from an unstable relationship like this one.

[clvrnn]

A few days ago, before I'd attempted contact with her and hadn't spoken to her for a few weeks, I was online talking to a friend on my phone and while I was going through my contact list I saw her contact details suddenly become greyed out.

This means she either blocked me or deleted my number while I was online. I at first thought I'd been blocked, but it could have been that she deleted my number. I don't know which it was, and I don't know the reason. It made me anxious because my first thought was "wow, she must really dislike me, she's had to delete my number/block me and we aren't even speaking". Then I thought she must have uploaded a picture she didn't want me to see, or something.

But I guess I don't know the reason for her doing that. I've deleted numbers of exes in the past because, well, that's the thing you do, isn't it? Just seemed random and
sudden.

It really triggered my anxious thoughts and all the cognitive distortions I have, such as mind-reading, projection, fortune-telling, etc. I decided to change my number when she did that.

I don't know why I changed my number, but at least now I can try and move forward a bit more psychologically and stop hoping she'll contact me.

[Mutt]

But I guess I don't know the reason for her doing that. I've deleted numbers of exes in the past because, well, that's the thing you do, isn't it? Just seemed random and
sudden.

It really triggered my anxious thoughts and all the cognitive distortions I have, such as mind-reading, projection, fortune-telling, etc. I decided to change my number when she did that.

You seem like you have self awareness. I struggle with cognitive distortions especially catastrophizing thinking the worst case scenario. What helps for you? Knowing that they are cognitive distortions I typically tell myself that I’m catastrophizing and that thought I’d not balanced.

Also I get feedback from people that I trust in real life that are non judgemental and are not close minded. My mom and my gf will tell me if I’m catastrophizing which I appreciate it it doesn’t come often enough I hope to become s burden on them but I appreciate because my thoughts aren’t spiraling.

She may of deleted it or the same reasons that you changed your number. Many of us hastily changed a number it closed down a social media account out anger, pain frustration and had second thoughts when we’re more centered. It’s a little different with a pwBPD you become split black because it causes our expwBPD stress and anxiety, splitting is a maladaptive coping mechanism.

I think that you’re on the right track, you seem intelligent and aware.

[clvrnn]

You seem like you have self awareness. I struggle with cognitive distortions especially catastrophizing thinking the worst case scenario. What helps for you? Knowing that they are cognitive distortions I typically tell myself that I’m catastrophizing and that thought I’d not balanced.

Yes, telling yourself that you are catastrophizing really does help. Catching yourself in the middle of a stream of negative thoughts and thinking wait, none of this has happened, this is a cognitive distortion. I actually get out my laptop and write out how I'm feeling, etc. That really helps.

She may of deleted it or the same reasons that you changed your number. Many of us hastily changed a number it closed down a social media account out anger, pain frustration and had second thoughts when we’re more centered. It’s a little different with a pwBPD you become split black because it causes our expwBPD stress and anxiety, splitting is a maladaptive coping mechanism.

That's true. The only thing I can think of is that maybe it was difficult for her to see my face/name in her phone, for whatever reason. I don't know. I think often as the person who's dumped, you often think that the person who has dumped you gets away without feeling any pain, but maybe she is feeling pain too. Maybe that's the reason she decided not to talk to me, anymore.

As with the cognitive distortions, I often assume the worst. I've been assuming that she isn't talking to me because she hates me, because I've done something wrong, etc. I suppose it could be the opposite; she has feelings for me but can't cope with them, perhaps is feeling shame for the way she abruptly ended things, or maybe guilt - even remorse at pushing someone she cares about away to this extent. I really don't know, anyway.

[clvrnn]

I find that sometimes I really think about her and the situation we were in. I try not to force my thoughts away, because that just makes them stronger.

I've spent a lot of time reading about this, and I'm finding that there's a conflict in my mind between the idea that she didn't really care about me, used me - and the other idea, that she did care about me, and everything she felt was genuine but she just couldn't cope with it all.

She'd always tell me that being intimate with me took "a lot" for her. She really let her guard down in that final week. She was being so intimate, so vulnerable and open and kind and loving.

I remember that we'd had a discussion about attachment styles, and she told me that if I didn't contact her as often that she'd probably become very clingy, message me more, etc.

In those next few days, I didn't contact her as often. On one day in particular, I didn't initiate contact at all. Only in the evening did she contact me, and she was asking me if I was ignoring her, asking me where I'd been all day - she wasn't being horrible, but I remember never seeing this side to her, ever. She came over unannounced, stayed over - in fact, we kept going out and she kept coming back home with me, being really really clingy.

I remember that over those few days when we were apart, I'd stopped really initiating contact as much. Not intentionally, but still. Then there was that sudden explosion of anger, and the break up.

I wonder if she perceived the lack of contact from me as abandonment, as well as her apparent "letting go" and being more attentive as usual. The last break up took place soon after I hadn't been able to message her back for a few hours, too.

I keep wondering whether she's met someone else, which isn't a healthy thought. But then I think, she really seems to struggle with ANY form of intimacy, how likely is it that she'll jump into something else with someone? I know it's nothing to do with me whether she does or not, and it will eventually happen but - I don't know. I suppose I just don't want that. No-one wants their ex to move on, even though we all do eventually.

God. I thought that I was making progress, but here I am analysing everything again. I just wish none of this had happened.