Things really hit me hard.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello my first post here, also i want to apologize, english is not my first language so there might be some mistakes.
 
Im going to give quick brief of my story.
I dated this girl for few months. In the beginning everything was great but i noticed some things were a little off once i started to getting to know her a little better. Didnt  think much about it at the time. she would make up a lot of stories(pathological lying) always was a victim, noticed a lot of scares on her legs from cutting, she had non sense who she was(non binary),never express any gratitude for anything i did for her, never really interested in me; every conversation always stirred back to her, she was very flaky, had major mood swings, chronically depressed, had drug history also she had that empty look in her eyes which was very strange.. I was feeling really bad for her so i would never call her out on anything and try to show her i care about her. she told me she had abusive mother that left her in her teens and father was some sort of problem too. She would disappear at the times for weeks come back like nothing happened. She told me few times i was to good to her and all she knew was toxic man. The whole relationship ended when she went back to her ex boyfriend but we reminded friends. We hang out once in a while,  just to talk and drink. One of these times  we went out she told me she just had a miscarriage couple days earlier(which obviously ended being a lie), 15 minutes later she would try to make out with me really aggressively in the middle of a bar. Still was naive at this point and didn't try to google anything. Final episode was when we went out for dinner and wine bar after. We got pretty drunk, All the sudden she made up some insane lie that she has to go because her friend is about to jump off the bridge, i got annoyed and a little cold but nothing serious, i said ok, she must have sensed  that i was upset because she started to freak out and  repeat “ are you gonna hate me now?” multiple times. I said no but was still kinda upset. We hugged, she got in an uber and left. 20 mintues later i texted her if she got home safe. There was no answer for 3.5 hours. Than i got a text that she spent 4.5 hours in er and she was tested positive for roofies  implying i tried to drug her. That was followed by texts “leave me alone” “never talk to me again” my answers were only “wow” and “really?”. After that she started getting defensive saying “do you think im lying” “are you accusing me of making this up” which i never did. Next day she removed me from social media. I emailed her. There was no response. Texted her couple days later if we can talk, got text back “there is nothing to talk about, leave me alone” . The whole thing got me really hurt and depressed. It is almost like she knew i was upset with her so she had to blame shift to me, and make herself a victim, making story up about my trying to roofie her so she is in position of power. So manipulative and i guess sort of projection?
Ive started to do research after that. Found put about BPD and she matched most of the symptoms.also some traits of npd and ptsd. I guess that last night i must have triggered something and she discarded me. It really sucks because i cared for her a lot and tried to treat her with respect and warmth that she probably never had. Not sure what is next but it got me really hurt.

[Gamechanger2307]

Hello my first post here, also i want to apologize, english is not my first language so there might be some mistakes.
 
Im going to give quick brief of my story.
I dated this girl for few months. In the beginning everything was great but i noticed some things were a little off once i started to getting to know her a little better. Didnt  think much about it at the time. she would make up a lot of stories(pathological lying) always was a victim, noticed a lot of scares on her legs from cutting, she had non sense who she was(non binary),never express any gratitude for anything i did for her, never really interested in me; every conversation always stirred back to her, she was very flaky, had major mood swings, chronically depressed, had drug history also she had that empty look in her eyes which was very strange.. I was feeling really bad for her so i would never call her out on anything and try to show her i care about her. she told me she had abusive mother that left her in her teens and father was some sort of problem too. She would disappear at the times for weeks come back like nothing happened. She told me few times i was to good to her and all she knew was toxic man. The whole relationship ended when she went back to her ex boyfriend but we reminded friends. We hang out once in a while,  just to talk and drink. One of these times  we went out she told me she just had a miscarriage couple days earlier(which obviously ended being a lie), 15 minutes later she would try to make out with me really aggressively in the middle of a bar. Still was naive at this point and didn't try to google anything. Final episode was when we went out for dinner and wine bar after. We got pretty drunk, All the sudden she made up some insane lie that she has to go because her friend is about to jump off the bridge, i got annoyed and a little cold but nothing serious, i said ok, she must have sensed  that i was upset because she started to freak out and  repeat “ are you gonna hate me now?” multiple times. I said no but was still kinda upset. We hugged, she got in an uber and left. 20 mintues later i texted her if she got home safe. There was no answer for 3.5 hours. Than i got a text that she spent 4.5 hours in er and she was tested positive for roofies  implying i tried to drug her. That was followed by texts “leave me alone” “never talk to me again” my answers were only “wow” and “really?”. After that she started getting defensive saying “do you think im lying” “are you accusing me of making this up” which i never did. Next day she removed me from social media. I emailed her. There was no response. Texted her couple days later if we can talk, got text back “there is nothing to talk about, leave me alone” . The whole thing got me really hurt and depressed. It is almost like she knew i was upset with her so she had to blame shift to me, and make herself a victim, making story up about my trying to roofie her so she is in position of power. So manipulative and i guess sort of projection?
Ive started to do research after that. Found put about BPD and she matched most of the symptoms.also some traits of npd and ptsd. I guess that last night i must have triggered something and she discarded me. It really sucks because i cared for her a lot and tried to treat her with respect and warmth that she probably never had. Not sure what is next but it got me really hurt.

[once removed]

hi Gamechanger2307, and

thats a pretty wild story!

have you ever been in a situation before where you get mad at someone, and they just kinda get mad at you back? it sounds like that could be what happened in this case, albeit a bit more extreme with accusations of rufies. people with BPD traits can be very sensitive to rejection or criticism, and if she sensed that you were mad or upset with her, she may have gotten extremely defensive about i.

it sucks to get cut off. how are you holding up?

[Gamechanger2307]

hi Gamechanger2307, and

thats a pretty wild story!

have you ever been in a situation before where you get mad at someone, and they just kinda get mad at you back? it sounds like that could be what happened in this case, albeit a bit more extreme with accusations of rufies. people with BPD traits can be very sensitive to rejection or criticism, and if she sensed that you were mad or upset with her, she may have gotten extremely defensive about i.

it sucks to get cut off. how are you holding up?

Hey, thanks for the answer. Last two weeks were tough, like i said before, it got me pretty hard. Especially the accusations of roofies. Its just such a insane lie. does she really believes in that or its just some sort of manipulation? Do people come back after discarding someone with such a crazy made up accusations?

I know what you saying about being mad at somebody for being mad. This is  out of proportion tho. I wasnt even really mad more acted cold and disappointed than really upset.

We never even fought before. I always treated her super respectful and as good as i possibly could. Took her to games, plays, dinners even after we stopped dating just because liked her and try to show her somebody cares for her for no reason. Just to get kicked in the d*** in the end. It sucks.

[once removed]

does she really believes in that or its just some sort of manipulation? Do people come back after discarding someone with such a crazy made up accusations?

without knowing her, its hard to say whether she believes it. it isnt uncommon for people with BPD traits to throw some strong accusations, and it is possible that when the ice has thawed, she might reach out. i would suggest that if she does, and if you want to repair the relationship, post on the Bettering a Relationship board and we can help you navigate.

This is  out of proportion tho.

it is. thats the nature of a person with intense feelings and reactions. you get a lot of extremes.

We never even fought before. I always treated her super respectful and as good as i possibly could. Took her to games, plays, dinners even after we stopped dating just because liked her and try to show her somebody cares for her for no reason. Just to get kicked in the d*** in the end. It sucks.

it does suck. this may take some time to recover from, and im glad you reached out to us. i know having a strong support system was probably the most important part of recovering from my own breakup. it does get better.

have you also talked with family and friends about it all? what do they think?

[Gamechanger2307]

have you also talked with family and friends about it all? what do they think?

Yes, once they heard about  lies she was saying, they kept telling me to walk away.

[Harri]

I am sorry things are so difficult right now.  

Yes, once they heard about  lies she was saying, they kept telling me to walk away.

What do you want to do?

[Gamechanger2307]

I am sorry things are so difficult right now. 
What do you want to do?

Thanks. I guess there is not much i can do. I emailed her after that night saying that i didn't do anything she said or think i did and i would never do anything like this. Also told her i really care for her etc. no response . Followed with a text few days later but got text back  to leave her alone. I would like to talk to her again but i think im done asking for it. If she ever contacts me again, which i doubt, ill respond.

[Harri]

I would like to talk to her again but i think im done asking for it. If she ever contacts me again, which i doubt, ill respond.

I think giving her space is smart right now.  How long since you both split? 
When you say you will respond if she contacts you, do you mean you would want to get back together with her? 

I ask for a couple of reasons.  One, if you do want to get back together, I would second Once removed's recommendation to post on the bettering board as that is where you can learn to use tools that will help you in a relationship.  Second, I think it is important for you to know what you want and work from there.   What are you goals?

[Turkish]

Thanks. I guess there is not much i can do. I emailed her after that night saying that i didn't do anything she said or think i did and i would never do anything like this. Also told her i really care for her etc. no response . Followed with a text few days later but got text back  to leave her alone. I would like to talk to her again but i think im done asking for it. If she ever contacts me again, which i doubt, ill respond.

This is a good strategy. Ball's in her court. As much as this cold discard hurts you,  believe her and respect her boundary as you say you are.  We've seen a few members here getting restraining orders placed upon them otherwise.  At least she hasn't threatened that. 

[Gamechanger2307]

I think giving her space is smart right now.  How long since you both split? 
When you say you will respond if she contacts you, do you mean you would want to get back together with her? 

I ask for a couple of reasons.  One, if you do want to get back together, I would second Once removed's recommendation to post on the bettering board as that is where you can learn to use tools that will help you in a relationship.  Second, I think it is important for you to know what you want and work from there.   What are you goals?

We stopped dating early this year but remained friends until 2 weeks ago when she went crazy on me.
At this point im not sure if i would want romantic relationship with her but you never know since i still have feeling for her. I don't want to throw away friendship with her thats for sure even though it might be risky.

This is a good strategy. Ball's in her court. As much as this cold discard hurts you,  believe her and respect her boundary as you say you are.  We've seen a few members here getting restraining orders placed upon them otherwise.  At least she hasn't threatened that. 

Yeah, as much as i want i cant change her mind now Hopefully she reaches out at some point again than ill ask you guys for some navigation.

[Harri]

At this point im not sure if i would want romantic relationship with her but you never know since i still have feeling for her. I don't want to throw away friendship with her thats for sure even though it might be risky.

I would definitely recommend posting on the Bettering a Relationship board then.  It does not mean you are committed to getting back together romantically though.  It is simply the best place to learn the tools you will need to change the way you respond and interact in these more difficult relationships. romantic or otherwise.  The focus on the detaching board is very different and it will not help you learn skills. 

Besides that, it has only been 2 weeks since your last break.  Bettering is the place to be!