I have found out she is seeing someone else

[clvrnn]

I'd been staying away from social media but this morning I had a sudden urge to check. It felt strange as if there was something I would see on there and I was right. On a guy from uni's page, there is a short video of a girl filming her own feet walking, and then panning out to show him walking in front.

I know this sounds neurotic, but I know that those are her feet, and I can see just from the way this person is walking that it's her - she has a very distinctive walk. She also uploaded a picture on her own page, where she's dressed in a completely different style - similar to his style (which is something she does, dress like people she is dating).

I feel sick, angry, confused, and hurt. This is also someone from my university, in my class, so when I go back in the fall I'm going to have to see them both together all the time.

I just don't know what to do, now. I had hoped that what they say about pwBPD finding someone else so soon wasn't true, but it looks like it is.

[Sandb2015]

Clvrnn,

I hear you, I feel you, that was my greatest fear when I was thrown out in December.

She said she wanted a break, no intentions of dating or anything like that. One week later she was dating...

I scoured the boards looking for some sort of “what’s going to happen next” situation and I denied that pwBPD do find company pretty quick for a number of reasons. The only thing I noticed is they are short term rs and nothing short of messy.

I do suspect that my partner has traits of BPD and NPD.

What are you doing to bring this back to you.

I give world class advice and have so much difficulty absorbing others advice...

You can’t change her and what she is doing. When and if you want to connect, that time may come.

Are you in contact and how has contact been?

[Mindfried]

C its a sign. Something inside you told you to look online and you did and the message was perfectly clear. Time to move on. Easier said than done though.

[once removed]

are you sure that theyre together?

[clvrnn]

are you sure that theyre together?

I don't know for certain, but they weren't particularly close at university. Her and I spent most of our time there together, and she never spoke to him at all. It seems odd that they're suddenly hanging out together in a park. I realise that they may not even be together but this, as well as the sudden change in style just confirms it for me, really.

[clvrnn]

C its a sign. Something inside you told you to look online and you did and the message was perfectly clear. Time to move on. Easier said than done though.

I really want to move on, to be free of these feelings. Checking her social media seems to be the final hurdle - I may go a day or so without checking, then I check. It seems to be really difficult to stop doing, and I recognise that this is the final thing I need to let go of. Just finding it really difficult.

[Mindfried]

C-Realistically it is going to take a while to heal emotionally and move on. It is extremely painful. In my opinion the more you check up on her the more setbacks you will encounter. Take one day at a time and look at each day that you did not check up on her as a victory. As more time passes the easier it will become.

[clvrnn]

C-Realistically it is going to take a while to heal emotionally and move on. It is extremely painful. In my opinion the more you check up on her the more setbacks you will encounter. Take one day at a time and look at each day that you did not check up on her as a victory. As more time passes the easier it will become.

You're right. Any time I check I just end up overthinking, feeling anxious and generally feeling worse.

I think what's driving this behaviour is that I have had no answers, and I've been essentially thrown away. I recognise and respect that people don't have to date others if they choose not to, but the way she broke up with me was just particularly abrupt and traumatic.

Not only did I have to sit there and experience that anger outburst, I was then broken up with, then I was ignored and I feel as if I'm going crazy.

All I can think of is that I must not be good enough for her, or something. I must have done something wrong, somewhere. This behaviour, this throwing someone away so suddenly after things were going well; it feels like the sort of thing you'd do to someone that's hurt you. Not just because things were going well, and there was no problem.

I just can't understand it, no matter how many times I read about BPD. I've never known anything like this.

[mraa90]

Hello, friend

I was also hoping to not see the day she starts to date someone else. My ex looks so different but I don't know if she's seeing someone and I don't care at this point since I have found a mature and a loving girlfriend. Her style is the opposite of how she fel with me. She went from wearing black and and the same thing over and over to, piercing her nose, and wearing ripped jeans and leather jackets. I know that they shift their personality, but in the end they are broken inside. She will end up being toxic to him and he will join our ranks.

[KoRnyRocks]

I’m sorry that you had to experience this. But yes they do move on quick. 2 days after my BPDex called me crying saying she didn’t want me to leave her, she found some other dude she had been flirting with apparently.

I don’t know if you want her back, I don’t want my ex back, but a part of me is happy to know that this new thing she has started probably won’t last long either, all depending on how he manage it and her. If I knew back then what I know now, I would never have taken her back those 4-5 times we ended back together.

I know it’s hard to move on, and it will take some time. You need to allow yourself to move on. I still struggle some days, when I miss her etc. but a part of me find comfort in knowing I’m safe now and she is probably ruining someone else’s life.
Be happy you know what you know now and use it to get better and stronger.
Use this forum every time you feel weak, it’s okay to grief. Just know whatever happened between you and her wasn’t just your fault.

[clvrnn]

I’m sorry that you had to experience this. But yes they do move on quick. 2 days after my BPDex called me crying saying she didn’t want me to leave her, she found some other dude she had been flirting with apparently.

I don’t know if you want her back, I don’t want my ex back, but a part of me is happy to know that this new thing she has started probably won’t last long either, all depending on how he manage it and her. If I knew back then what I know now, I would never have taken her back those 4-5 times we ended back together.

I know it’s hard to move on, and it will take some time. You need to allow yourself to move on. I still struggle some days, when I miss her etc. but a part of me find comfort in knowing I’m safe now and she is probably ruining someone else’s life.
Be happy you know what you know now and use it to get better and stronger.
Use this forum every time you feel weak, it’s okay to grief. Just know whatever happened between you and her wasn’t just your fault.

But this is the thing, the things she would complain about and say that I was doing to trigger her always seemed so specific to me and my mannerisms and habits. I feel like it was something I didn't do enough, or something I did too much of, and just not good enough for her.

I don't think I want her back at this stage. I know enough about her and this BPD thing in general to know that this will continue and get worse each time, and I'm not equipped to deal with it again and again. The last time she broke up with me I almost began self-harming with a knife - that's not me at all. That's how dark it got. I can't do that again.

I want to move on so badly. I just don't want to see her ever again. I notice that my mindset has changed from how do I get her back to how do I forget about her. I wish I didn't have to see her at university. If it wasn't for that I think I'd be OK, but yeah.

[clvrnn]

Aside from everything else, I just feel forgotten, worthless, not good enough. No other break up has left me feeling like this - this weird state where I feel most of the time that I'm going crazy or have gone crazy. How someone can utter the most meaningful, loving words and within a day be gone, out of my life, and it all happen so quickly that I can't even process it. I'm at the point where I want to tell her how much she's hurt me, but the last time I tried that, she just got angry. Anger seems to be her default. Want to talk about feelings? Anger. Want to be assertive? Anger. Anger anger anger.

I feel like screaming. Who is this person? Why did I have to meet her? My life wasn't that great in the first place, but now I feel worse about myself, I feel like c**p every day. She's just moved on and seemingly doesn't care about me, so much so that she can't even respond to an email or say anything to me in person.

I know exactly how she'll act when we go back to uni, too. She'll act as if I don't exist, and now that she has someone else's attention she'll be all buoyant and confident, and have no need for me whatsoever. Again, no break up has ever left me feeling like this.

I actually looked into changing uni because I just don't know if I am strong enough to withstand another round of being around her, there. This would be easier (still difficult) if I just didn't have to see her again.

I feel so ugly and unwanted, and horrible, and worthless, and invisible. I question whether anything she said to me was real, now. I really do.

[wickedgarden]

I truly feel for you and can relate.  I recently had a very similar ending with my now ex BPD girlfriend.  Didn't know she was BPD until I started to look up how things just didn't make sense.  Its a long story, maybe to tell another day, but after 15 months I met a similar fate, discovering an image of her with another dude...the day after she slept on my shoulder and told me she loved me.  This was almost four months ago.  I still struggle immensely.  I still cant date cause I don't feel ill ever find again the only thing that made me content in life.  I know that its truly devastating.  I didn't eat for six days.  I couldn't sleep.  I still have nightmares or dreams about her.  I still ruminate about her...where I went wrong but in all actuality I know I was good to her...in fact great to her...did things for her no other person would.  To think you have met your soulmate and then to have it taken away unexplainable and so suddenly is the worst pain ive ever felt and ive dealt with a lot in my short life.  Part of me doesn't want to live without her but part of me wants to hold out hope for her.  I know this is not healthy and I know and knew all along that things couldn't work out with her.  Simply no one can work with her long term.  Its sad, on all parts.  I cant give you a method that will cure the catastrophe you are dealing with but I will gladly talk with you about our "shared problem."  Talking with someone who understands these people can be helpful and encouraging in getting over it.  Honestly it seems the only thing that will help is cutting the cord on this person as horrible as it sounds.  If she comes back, which is a very good possibility, it will be up to you to take another ride but you cant presently dwell on it.  I tell you that firsthand it just prolongs the pain.  Its perplexing to know that if this person were to come back into my life I would do it again knowing it will not end well.  That's insanity by definition.  It is equivalent to a drug.  These things are that difficult so I understand your pain.  Im here to talk if you want.  Stay strong.

[babyducks]

Aside from everything else, I just feel forgotten, worthless, not good enough. No other break up has left me feeling like this - this weird state where I feel most of the time that I'm going crazy or have gone crazy.

Hi clvrnn,

What you are feeling is normal.    Seriously.   I understand that it probably doesn't help at all to know this, but what you are feeling is normal.   Completely normal.

The relationships that bring us to this site are not average or ordinary relationships.    They are deeply dysfunctional relationships and they come with penalties.    They come with costs.

What you are describing, feeling worthless and not good enough is "toxic shame and self abandonment."   That's the technical definition experts use to describe the aftermath of emotional abuse.

I know it's hard to see this.    It's hard to believe that we were in a relationship that caused so much hurt.

But this is the thing, the things she would complain about and say that I was doing to trigger her always seemed so specific to me and my mannerisms and habits. I feel like it was something I didn't do enough, or something I did too much of, and just not good enough for her.

This right here.    This is abusive.    It creates toxic shame and self abandonment.    The way to combat shame and self abandonment is to work to create care, protection, love, respect, or compassion for yourself.

What can you do to be good to yourself today?    Have you made it back to the gym?    What two things can you do today to take good care of yourself?

'ducks